And why is this important on this particular blog?  Because my mother took my learning disability and literally turned it into a full-blown phobia, all because she used it as a way to make herself feel superior to me.  Even back when I was as young as six years old.  

It's called "dyscalculia", which is sort of like dyslexia with numbers (though it isn't quite like that).  And right now, I want to scream it from the rooftops that I have it!  Because for ALL of my childhood and into my adulthood, she's lorded it over me that I have hard time reading analog clocks, and a hard time doing simple calculations in math.  

So, growing up, my mother's favorite game on earth to play with me regularly was Yahtzee.  Guess why.  Just guess.  Go on.  I bet you know why.  Because for one, she'd tell me exactly where to put my dice on my score sheet (for controlling reasons) and for two, she'd watch me in the end add up my score and sit there and stare at me and get super frustrated and yell "Oh god!  C'mon, it's easy!!  Look!  Just do it!!  It's not that hard!!" and she'd eventually just do the math for me, because I'd be sitting there with a totally blank mind, frozen in my seat.  

The funny thing is, I am actually not bad at doing simple math, but math was so hard for me as a kid and as I aged, she just made it worse by giving me a total math phobia due to her shaming me when I'd pause to think in front of her when doing a math problem.  What I mean is that multiple digit math was harder, but adding any number by a single digit is pretty easy for me, once I taught myself how to do it properly and practiced that skill daily (I used addition tables and added one to the tens if the number was greater than 10).  But I grew up believing I couldn't do any math at all because my mother made me believe I couldn't.  

Also, analog clocks.  I still have a hard time with this, but as a kid?  Good grief!  She used to yell the same stuff at me all the time.  So even today, just looking at analog clocks, especially in her presence, makes me freak out and my mind will go blank.  Just like math used to do to me.  I am still not great at math, especially mental math (unless I keep practicing it), and I still go blank at times, but if I can remember the trick to doing it right, it's easier for me (but I still have issues at times).

My mother used to shame me about math and analog clocks in order to make herself feel smarter.  So, you know what I am going to do tomorrow???  Take that fucking analog clock out of the kitchen we have and donate it!!  There is no reason to have it, as we have a digital clock on the stove AND on the microwave.  And on our phones!  When we moved in with her in 2020, right at the start of the pandemic, she even started shaming me again about reading the clock!!  And about a ton of other stuff, too.  So man, I have to say, living with her has done nothing but retraumatize me from my childhood, over and over again (including yesterday's issue with her opening my door even though I kept yelling at her not to), even though I feel that sometimes I am healing so much of it, due to the fact I can stand up to her now.  But it's still all so triggering, especially when I stand up for myself and she refuses to listen to me and does whatever she likes anyways.

But right now?  At two o'clock in the fucking morning on April 15, 2022??  I feel kind of great.  Because now I finally know I am not dumb.  I am not stupid.  I am not just "bad at math".  I have a fucking learning disability!  And that means there is a name for what I have and why I've had such hard time in life with numbers and other things related, and other people have it too (check out this post from Wikipedia for all the different areas this affects).  

I have been so proud of myself a few different times in life with all the things my mother used to be mean to me about: 

• In twelfth grade, I used to bowl four times a day: three gym classes and then after school.  I got so good, I could nearly get perfect scores (I once got a 298, even though I didn't bowl like a professional bowler--I never learned to put spins on my ball or anything of the sort, I just throw it straight).  AND, this was the best part, my friends dedicated me as our team's score keeper!!  Me??  The math idiot??  Wow, this was a total honor and made me feel smart and normal for once in my life!  This was before computers did all the work.  And my calcultions were always 100% right and I could add up the numbers faster in my head than anyone could use a calculator to do it.  But this was because I was practicing it so many times a day, and eventually it became easy for me.  I can't do this now, because just like with dyslexia, if you practice, you get better.  But if you don't use it, you lose it.  Which really sucks.  But hey, it's proof I am not an idiot in math.  Well, basic ass early grade school math.  But hey, it's something LOL
• All my working life, I was a cashier.  Um, yeah, stupid, right?  I was so horrible at it!  But then as an adult, I got this game called "Brain Age" for the Nintendo DS (when that was a big thing) which had a game where you'd count back change.  And it taught me how to do it properly, and I became a whiz at it!  For the first time in my life, I was not only good at counting back change, but I was amazing at it!  Whoo hoo!!  Then I stopped playing the game, and lost it all.  Then, so many years later, my oldest son got a job as a cashier at PetSmart (last summer) and I had to teach him how to count back change.  I kept getting mixed up and messing up again, which brought me right back to being a kid (and a young adult), hearing my mother's voice, literally picking on me and treating me like I was an idiot.  What was wrong with me?  I could do this before, right?  I could do it instantly and wanted to teach my son how to do it instantly, too.  But I just couldn't.  What was going on??  Now I know.  I have fucking a learning disability that makes stuff like that hard for me.  Unless I practice it every single day, many times a day.  So I no longer need to feel stupid about it.  I feel sooooooo freaking relieved!!  FINALLY!
• A few years ago, I joined a bullet journaling group and reluctantly shared a pic of one my pages.  And I apologized for having such horrible handwriting.  Now, growing up, my teachers and my mother all picked on me for having bad handwriting.  Which I learned is a part of dyscalculia.  And everyone in the group said "What are you even talking about?  Your handwriting is gorgeous!"  And I was so confused.  What??  What did they mean?  I didn't have bad handwriting?  Then why did my mother, to that day, still look at what I'd write and squint her eyes and say "What does this say?  I can't read it???"  Nobody else had issues reading my handwriting, but she always did, for my entire life.  See, she had perfect handwriting, so, yet another thing she could lord over me and act like she was better at something than me about.  After they all said that to me, I stopped apologizing for my handwriting to people and starting learning to love the way I'd write.  I mean, it only took me like 40 years to get there.  But it's better than never, right? 
• Fuck clocks.  There is ZERO reason to still have analog clocks in this world.  ZERO.  Now our clock is going in the giveaway box!  Yay!!  Stupid clocks!
• And fuck Yahtzee!  I hate that game!! (just kidding, I still like it, as long as my mother is nowhere near me when I play it, which is hardly ever)
• Oh, she also shames my son for having the same issues with math and clocks as I do.  Now I can tell him what's wrong with both of us.  And we'll never have to use an analog clock again!  Yay!