Who cares about if she copied the card or not?  I was being obsessive about nitpicking her motivations.  I guess just deep down, she disappoints me so much that I just look for more ways for her to disappoint me.  

Let me tell you something.  Ever since I was a small child, I had this secret.  I was adopted, and I had a secret family that loved me and cared about me and wanted me, unlike the idiots who adopted me.  But then, around age 22, I found out I was wrong.  The minute I met my birthmother, I wrote her a poem about how I was grateful to her for giving me up.  And she just nodded and put it away and never said a word about it.  The moment I met her, she disappointed me.  She was no different than my own family.  Although my own mother would have cried at the poem, because even though she's a terrible mother and a terrible person, she's sentimental, like me.  And things touch us in the feels.  And I didn't get this robot who stood before me, who carried me for 9 months inside her body and then pushed me out of it, only to have zero feelings about me.  I was a mother by then.  And I would do anything for my son.  And here my own mother, who was the same age as I was when I gave birth, when she gave birth to me, and I became an actual mother.  Whereas she was just a carrier of her spawn.  I did not get her.  I could not relate to her.  And frankly, I did not much like her.  It's been over 20 years later now, and I still don't get her (though I understand her more), and I still do not relate to her (though I do, a little), and frankly, I still don't really like her (though I do, in a surface way--like an acquaintance).  She calls me her daughter, but treats me like an old neighbor.  Like somebody she used to know.  

And I get so confused as to what I should expect from her.  I think I'll do like I did with my ex-husband and stop expecting anything at all.  That way I can't be disappointed.  It was easy with me, as we're divorced.  But she's my very complicated family member.  I just don't know how to feel about anything with her.  Sigh.  

Anyways, my birthday was yesterday and my mother actually did something nice for me, for once.  She bought some very cute shirts and some chicken decor (we have chickens now).  It was actually well-thought out and I am proud she did something nice for once.  It's a bit.  So that was a good thing.  Other than the fact I held up one shirt and she said "Oh my god, that's so BIG, isn't it?"  Then I tried it on and it fit perfectly.  Yes, mother, it's huge.  Like me (I'm not huge, but that' show she makes me feel...that's her new thing, calling all my clothes huge for some reason).  

Then today, she sends a birthday card off to my aunt.  And I am so sick and tired of my family pretending like I don't exist, and my mother enabling it.  It's so fucked up.  She allows it to happen: my cousins sent her a house-warming gift, but didn't include my name.  They will send her cards or call her for holidays or her birthday, and nothing is ever said to me, nor are our names included on the holidays cards.  She sends them all cards back, and never lets me sign them (I don't feel comfortable sending my own--they don't like me).  What's fucked is by her keeping up the this entire charade, she's enabling their shitty behavior.  So, I've been taking to opening her cards and signing them after her name, and then resealing them and sending them off.  HA!  This sends the message "Look, my daughter lives with me, all you assholes will not treat her as though she doesn't exist!!"  Like a REAL mom.  I mean, it's a made up version of her, but they never ask her about it, so ha!  I win.  If my mother won't actually stick up for me?  I will make damn sure they think she will.  I will not be treated like I do not live in this house.  Fuck them.  And fuck her, too for enabling it.  So my aunt, who used to send me birthday cards before my fucked up dumbass cousin got her to hate me (well, it was me who got them all to hate me, but in reality, I didn't do anything wrong...they all are just narcissists who think that me spilling the beans about my childhood meant I was a crazy person--her words she actually said to me).  So now, she'll never get another one from my mother without me signing it.  

Knives work well to open the card's seal without breaking the envelope, as well as glue sticks to close them back up.  Just a hint, in case you want to know.  Craft knives work best.  

Now, I don't want these fuckers in my life.  I don't want then visiting our house.  I don't want anything to do with them.  But I do not want to be made to feel that me and my family do not exist (something they've done LOOOOOOONG before they ever stopped talking me).  BE FUCKING POLITE.  Include my family's names in the holiday cards, since I do live in this damn house.  AND remember, I am my mother's daughter, not just some hobo who lives with her.  I am not asking for birthday cards.  But I do require that my family at least be acknowledged on Christmas.  Because that's super fucked up to send anything at all if you're going to leave out a majority of the family members who live there.  In grade Kindergarten, we all learned: give cards to the WHOLE class or none at all.  Too bad my asshole family can't remember that.  Oh well, at least think I'm the polite one now.  Ha!  

But in all seriousness, by signing that card, it's telling them "we are one family", not some broken up pieces that people can sweep under a rug.  Before I went no contact the last time with her, and before this blog got started back in 2013 (or whenever)?  My mother and I WERE one.  Everything we did, we did together (we were enmeshed, it was terrible).  And now everyone acts like it's just her and we're not here.  Well, I got my mother to finally change enough to be mostly nice to us (I say mostly, because there are small digs and big digs here and there from her) and now I am going to stop letting her enable my extended family in believing I'm a piece of shit for going no contact with her.  It's done and over with, they can get over it.  And my mother can stop playing this stupid game that she's allowed to keep separating me from the rest of my family by pretending she's separate from me.  She is separate, but not in that way.  Not in the way she presents to others.  

Well, at least she's stopped talking shit about me, so that's something.  And now she will stop playing this game between them and me, whether she likes it or not.  There is no separation anymore.  It's not "my mom and them" vs "me" anymore.  It's us, and them.  And if they don't like it, don't talk to us anymore.  My biggest asshole cousin stopped talking to my mother (she can't get her supply from her anymore).  Maybe the rest will follow??  We can only hope.  But if not, they will at least respect the fact I am live in this house and I am taking care of her.  And they will respect the fact I am her daughter.  I am not asking for anything else.  Then again, I am not "asking" for anything at all.  I am creating a space to get the respect I deserve.  Even if that means resorting to opening my mother's mail and signing her stupid cards with mine and my family's names (actually, the card was really nice and really cute...though I did pick it out for her, which another reason it's bullshit she doesn't ask me to sign it).  

Well, my birthday was fun and my hubby and kids and I all watched Deadpool 2 on our projector we got a million years ago but never used.  It was awesome!!  So yes, 45 is nice so far.  I hope the rest of the year will be nice, too :)