So, I asked L, my next-door neighbor who wanted me to watch her dog for two whole weeks with no pay, if she wanted her garage door remote back.  She said no, that's okay.  So, I guess she has more plans to ask me to watch her dog again.  But I'm giving it back anyways.  I am not sure how yet, but this is it.  I am no longer going to do it.  Sounds stupid, and overreacting, but it's just one more stupid thing I have to add the list of a billion things I already have to do each and every day.  I live on a homestead, remember, so I have tons of chores to do constantly.  I have ADHD and POTS and blah blah blah blah.  I can give excuses until my head pops off from insanity, but the truth is: I don't like her.  And I don't really care for her dog, either.  And the last time I watched him?  My neighbor's dog tried to attack him while I was walking him (with a migraine, no less), and that neighbor lied and said his dog would never hurt her dog.  But his dog is not leashed and is horribly aggressive.  And she believed him over me.  So, if she wants to put her dog in danger, so be it.  I am not doing it again.  And I don't like when people act as though I'm overreacting when I am telling the truth.  And the fucky neighbor?  Didn't even apologize to me about his dog doing that.  So, fuck em all.  

Plus, the last time I watched her dog he ran around drooling so much that it made me sick and he refused let me wipe his nasty little mouth.  Would I want someone to watch my dog who felt that way about my dog?  No fucking way.  I know she doesn't care if I like her dog or not, but that's the kind of owner she is.  I mean hell, she's leaving for two weeks and he'll be home alone most of that time (he doesn't eat when they're not there, so I hope he doesn't starve himself).  What kind of pet owner doesn't lodge their dog with a family member or at a pet care facility for that long?  A total asshole, that's who.  So I am done.  No excuses as to why I can't do it, I just don't fucking want to.  

I am too nice in person to be mean to anyone.  So it irks me that my nice behavior always sends the message that I am the go-to person for everything.  Every place I live, I get someone taking advantage of me.  And I know for 100% fact it's 100% my damn fault, too.  I lived for SEVEN YEARS without telling my old shitty next-door neighbor to not mess with my yard.  SEVEN YEARS.  And she was always coming into my yard and messing with shit.  Why couldn't I just say "stop it"???  What's wrong with me that I can't stand up for myself?  Or just say "no" to people who ask something of me?  I have no right to get angry at them for asking me if I never say no.  Now, I'm angry for other reasons, but the whole "taking advantage" feeling is my own fault.  I need to just say no.  Why is that so hard for me?  

Anyways, I come home today and the ding-dong neighbor (the one L is having take care of the dog-we were supposed to do it together as she didn't trust the ding-dong to do it alone) was out front staring at us as we pulled in.  Then L walked over behind our car and now they're all chummy BFF's and having conversations together in my front yard.  Sigh.  Please move to your own yards, ladies.  I don't like either one of you.  

Don't forget, the only reason I call the other one a ding-dong is because she hit up me up for drugs and told me her and her BFF are going in halfsies one a $500 load of norcos together.  WTF?  We live in a semi-rural/suburban neighborhood.  I thought I left these kinds of people back in the ghetto all those years ago??  I guess drug addiction is everywhere.  

Anyways, my real issue here that I talked about before are boundaries.  Nobody seems to have any.  It's like a life lesson that keeps getting thrown in my face over and over and over again.  I guess my job now is to figure out how to deal with it.  I mean, today I felt like a prisoner all over again, as I have so many times in the past, unable to do things at my own place of residence, all because my neighbors are holding me hostage (not including my mother..that's a whole other bag of dildos).  But they are only "holding me hostage" because I let them.  I don't law down the law.  But that's guess culture for you.  This wall that's set up inside of me that doesn't allow me, mentally or even physically, to be mean or semi-rude or even just forward with what I want.  How dumb is that?  Ask culture may be narcissistic in value, but guess culture can seem so freaking two-faced.  Inside, I am angry this person is asking something of me, but outwards I am as nice as apple pie.  I have been able to speak my truth before.  I don't know what happened to make me unable to do it again.  I don't get it.  

When the ding-dong keeps talking about the guy who lived here before us who built our fence that's falling down, all she said was "I don't know what the guy was thinking, my dad and I just sat in the house and laughed at him as he built it."  I WANTED to say "Well, that's rude, maybe you should have offered him help if you two knew how to do it better?"  And I've said shit like that before to people!  But for some reason, I just couldn't say it.  But I am at my breaking point and I think I will push myself to stand up to her.  She's fucking rude ALL the time and even walks into my garage, right through my yard from L's yard, as though it's perfectly okay to bother me when I am busy.  I keep my distance if I see my neighbors working.  I figure I am not going to bother them.  But both L and ding-dong get all up my grill whether I am in my backyard or front.  I HATE LIVING SO CLOSE TO PEOPLE!!!  I am not cut out for this.  I am really not.  

I am just waiting to find the right piece of land and then we'll see what we're going to do.  Because having neighbors?  Is for the fucking birds, man.  They drive me batty!  But before we move out into the country more, I need to learn to speak my mind.  To everyone.  Because I've had THREE crazy ass neighbors now that take advantage of my niceness since living here (not including the psycho up the street).  But that's all my fault.  100%.  My hubby will say "No, it's their fault for being so annoying!"  But we are the ones who need to set boundaries when others want to trample them.  People will only treat us with the amount of respect we demand from them.  If we allow disrespect, then they will always do it.  Just like dogs.  If you give them snackies because you're too nice to say no, then they will always demand snackies (meaning food from your plate or bag of chips, etc.).  If you allow idiots to demand snackies from you, and you never tell them to go away, or to stop fucking with your yard or letting their bitey little asshole dog shit in your yard which drives your dogs nuts, or to take that same shitty little dog and let him run up to you and bite you, if you let them all do this shit, then they will continue to do this shit.  We did yell at the guy with the shitty little dog (what's with all my neighbors thinking that everyone is just dying to be around their dogs??) but only after almost a year of him being a dumbass and obliterating our boundaries over and over again (it honestly took my husband to SNAP on him to get him to stop).  I should have nipped it in the bud the moment it started.  But I'm nice.  

Or rather, I am terrified of looking like an asshole.  Because while I am nice, I am so very two-faced in these situations.  I learned that from my mother.  AND I learned that actually standing up for yourself gets you slapped or punished or ignored or makes you the target for revenge.  So, I am terrified of speaking my mind.  And I am also the type of person who has no idea how I feel about something until AFTER the situation is over.  Which also makes me look two-faced.  It's a mixture of me being terrified of saying no or disappointing someone that I pretend like everything is okay in the moment.  But later one, I realize it's so very not okay.  It's like I can't even think of why it wouldn't be okay in the moment. I can't see the big picture or weigh the options.  So instead, I am all like "OH SURE!  THAT'S OKAY!"  I don't get it.  I hate that I am like that.  

I need to work on this part of myself.  To say "Let me get back to you on this" instead, so I can think about it before answering.  

But for now, I want to give L's garage door remote back.  I think I'll give it to her husband.  He's a really, really nice guy.  And he makes me feel very comfortable.  He defended me when I showed up at her house with a mask on and she kept getting on me about taking it off.  And he told her to stop.  Which made me feel so much better because why the fuck did she care if I was wearing a mask?  

Again, L a narcissist.  

So is ding-dong.  

So is the asshole across the street with the German Shepard who tried to bite L's dog when I was walking him.  

I am surrounded by narcissists.  But then again, when am I not?  I live with one.  

Okay, I'm done ranting now.  But this is how I figure out how I feel about something and how I work out what I'll do next.  I write.  And it usually works.  

So, anyone else can't stand neighbors?   

Oh, there will be a memoir about all of mine.  We've had so many, as we've moved so many times.  I've already started it.  But now I may have more to add in there.  Yay.  

Today the entire issue of me watching my neighbor's dog for two weeks came to a close.  I hemmed and hawed and thought that by saying no I'd be overreacting to a normal situation.  Or that I'd be excluded in some way or be punished in some way.  Though mostly, I thought I'd be letting everyone down.  That I had no real right to say no.  But then I realized that by saying yes, I'd be setting a precedent to allow my neighbor to keep asking me more and more and more inappropriate things of me.  So I put together my text message and just stared at it.  If I sent it, there was no going back.  And I reached down and hit send anyways.  

The reason I did it was because the other next-door neighbor who's supposedly doing this with me called me and left a message stating "Shay, call me back, I want to hear if you're still going to help out with the dog when I am at work..."  And here is the issue: this neighbor is a bit younger than me, but she already told me "L is going to have me water all the plants and do all this extra work, but I don't care about any of that shit, I just want to swim in their pool!"  Which tells me that she's going to putting off all the "chores" that L wants done on me, which I am not down with.  This girl has also hit me up for narcotics and then told me how her and her BFF are going in "halfsies" on something like $500 worth of norcos together (which is something you tell your neighbor, right?).  And L, the lady with the with dog, told me she's not reliable, which is why she wanted me to help out.  

Yet, L hasn't messaged me since.  She hasn't told me the date or even talked to me since about it.  She's the type of person who asks once, and then expects you to remember everything (which is why I forgot to go over last time to walk her dog).  So, when this other lady called me, I texted L and told her I couldn't do it.  That way she could decide whether or not to have the other neighbor do it at all.  Well, she is, as I heard them laughing in L's backyard right after I got home as she explained to her all the stuff she's supposed to do be doing.  

So, here was my excuse: "Sorry, my doc says I need foot surgery and I am in too much pain to help out with your dog for those two weeks.  I am so sorry."   Which wasn't a lie in the least.  I do need foot surgery.  And I am in excruciating pain in my foot most days.  Even though it's the other foot that's in pain, not the one that needs surgery (though that one can hurt too, just not every single day).  Also, twice now I've had horrible migraines when I've had to watch her dog, including the last time I did it.  So, I don't want to do it anymore.  Like, at all.  Especially after they "paid me back" last time by mowing the smallest strip of my entire yard.  I mean, it wasn't a big deal, but at the same time, it was odd and weird.  

So L's response to my message was "I hope you feel better soon."  That's it.  It was, again, so odd.  But at the same time, she's old and maybe doesn't text much?  I don't know.  But I am pretty sure she's a total narcissist.  Because when she was talking to us about this the one and only time a few weeks ago, she told us that her sister-in-law asked for her help in watching her (her SIL's) grandkids, whom they raise, while L was visiting them.  And she literally told her no, that she has already "raised her kids", which I guess means she's done babysitting for the rest of her life?  Well, I don't want to baby sit her dog, as I am still in the middle of raising my dogs.  Seriously, what a kind of a strange response was that?  Just say "I don't like children and don't know what to do with them" instead.  What does raising your kids have to do with babysitting?  Or just say "Sorry, I am on vacation, I don't really want to babysit".  Which would be fair as a response.  Whatever her reasoning was for saying what she did, I didn't like it.  I love kids.  And while I wouldn't want to babysit, I sure as hell wouldn't be averse to being around kids since I'd already raised mine, because kids are awesome.  

Anyways, I made up a partial lie.  I mean, it wasn't a lie, it was 100% the truth, but it's not why I don't want to do it.  I don't want to do it because it was wrong of her to ask me.  Now, in the future, I know not to say yes to something like this.  Instead, I will say "I will have to see", as I know I will not say "no" right off the bat.  But that way I can figure out how I feel about it and say "no" later. 

Okay, well, that was that.  We'll see if either one of them get angry at me for this or say something rude or maybe they'll just be nice about it or forget about it completely?  Who knows, and who cares, right?  

At least it's done and over with now.  For now.  Until they ask me to do something else stupid.  

And my mother thinks she's the guest of honor.  Nothing puts my mom into a shitty controlling and annoying mood than you doing something new where she can see you.  Then she thinks she not only has to participate, but has to control everything, as though she has ANY CLUE OF WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT.  And to be clear, she doesn't.  Not at all.  

We have fifteen chickens, all hens (easter eggers and Rhode Island Reds, meaning their eggs are gorgeous shades of blue and green and brown etc.), and we just put them out for the first time.  They ready long before, but with avian flu, we had to be careful.  It's been a month since any bird flu has been detected in our state, so we're hoping it's gone for now.  Up until two days ago, they lived in a room in our basement that we created for them (covered by tarps and filled with sand).  But without proper ventilation, it wasn't ideal for them.  So we worked our ASSES off finishing up the chicken area (I build a huge gate for the doorway, for one, and the kids cut windows in the coop, because it was literally just walls and a door) and now they're all in their coop.  The fruit trees here when we moved in were a bust, but at least now we'll get use out of the coop that a previous owner built.  Thank goodness.  

And my mother has been "involved" with all of it, annoying the shit out of everyone.  Tell me, did I grow up on a farm and just don't remember?  Because she keeps telling us about how one does these types of things on a farm.  Her father grew up on a farm.  But he didn't teach her shit about it.  

"Oh, you're bringing them back into the coop?" she yells at me as I carry the chickens back in.  It's 100 fucking degrees outside, the chickens are panting and their coop is in the shade.  "Because if they were on a farm they wouldn't do that!"  

I wanted to scream "And how would you know?  You don't know a damn thing about farm animals and YES THEY WOULD!!  FARMERS HAVE TO PROTECT THEIR LIVESTOCK FROM HEAT JUST AS MUCH AS YOU WOULD A DOG!"  But I just did I what I do all the time now and pretended like I didn't hear her.  Because why exert energy telling her to shut up every second of the day?  She'll tucker herself out soon enough and we'll go back to peaceful silence.  

But, if she starts in today, here will be my response: "Hey, thanks, but I don't need running commentary on everything I'm doing, okay?"  Because yesterday she kept saying "Oh, are you two bricks short of a load?" when I was carrying bricks.  "Are you the water boy" as my husband was carrying water.  Blah blah blah blah blah.  GOOD FUCKING GRIEF!

"You really need to do this!!"  "You really need do to that!"  "Your gate as a space under it, did you know that??!!"  "Don't forget to get them food and water!"  "Blah blah bloo blee blah blah blah twiddle faddle diddle daddle honk honk crash boom bang!"  

Someone please come and glue her mouth shut, will ya??  AAAHHHH!!  

Oh and another stupid thing she said to me, because god forbid she actually just tell us something happened.  "Are you planning on keeping that gate open all the time, you're not are you??"  I asked "What gate?"  "The backyard gate!  I woke up this morning and it was wide open!"  

What kind of a dumbass question is that?  Obviously, someone forgot to shut it.  It was my kids, they were carrying in sand for the chicken coop from the front and forgot to shut it.  It was dark outside before we got done, so we didn't see it.  But why can't she just say "Oh, I woke up and the gate was wide open this morning.  Someone forgot to shut it."?  Why can't she just be fucking normal?  With her, it's this roundabout way of saying something REALLY STUPID.  I just want to tell her how stupid she sounds when she says that shit.  And one day, I may.  But I am sure I won't, because I am not an asshole.  But I will tell her to shush.  

Well, off to go check on our chickens.  Hopefully mother will be inside where she belongs LOL  

If you read my past post about my hubby's Father's Day card from my grandmother, then you'd know I am wondering what to do about it.  I am not sending that letter that I wrote on my last about this.  It's too much.  If I did send something, it would be short and to the point.  Maybe just a note, like an afterthought, a "just so you know" little quip that looks like it means nothing at all.  Because if she knows she's bothered me, it may make her happy.  It's so hard to think of her that way, since I don't really know her.  I'd like to think that if I wrote her that letter, she'd say "Oh, wow, I am so sorry, I didn't think of it that way!"  But she's a narcissist.  This I know (for her behavior tells me so).  So, writing this long letter is just plain stupid.  This I also know. 

So, instead, I could write a short little quip to her, some witty remark that states "Thank for the card, but my husband doesn't "play the role" of my children's father, he is their only father, and has been for more than a decade.  But thanks anyways!"  Giving that exclamation point indicates I am not angry.  And the "thanks anyways" indicates she tried, but she failed, to do something nice for him.  And the shortness indicates that I cannot be bothered to write more.  

But I don't even know if that's worth it.  

Here is my other idea:  I would like to stop receiving cards from her, period.  So, if she sends one, I should just send it back.  But I just reread her birthday card to me (which was a month ago), and it was really, really nice.  I don't want to believe she's being cruel to him.  She probably isn't, and thought she was being nice in her warped little brain by saying what she said, but if that's the case, she really needs to understand what she said was hurtful.  I just don't know.  

Here's how I see it: what's the harm in sending the note?  I don't ever speak to her unless it's a holiday or our birthdays.  And then, it's through cards only.  I've lived all of my life only communicating with her through cards.  So, if it pisses her off that I say this, what will happen?  She'll stop sending me cards?  She can't remember half the time to send me birthday cards anyways.  For my 40th, she, and my birthmother, both COMPLETELY forgot about it.  Which was horribly hard for me, since I had just went no contact with my mother a couple weeks before.  So, it's not going to be much of a punishment.  I could add "I know you most likely didn't mean anything by it, because maybe you don't realize, but..."  That way she doesn't have to explain to me she didn't mean anything by it.  Because they always say that.  

Here's another issue (that I won't bring up to her, but it does add to my irritation), she spelled his last name wrong.  It's the same as mine.  And she sends me cards with the right last name (finally) and spelled his wrong.  On purpose?  I can't say yes or no.  She IS old, like 90, so she very well could have forgotten, even though it had been less than a month since her card for me.  But still.  My in-laws ALWAYS spelled my first name wrong, even though it's easy and we'd been together for so long.  They did it on purpose to show me I didn't matter enough to them to remember how to spell my name (they're raging narcissists, both of them).  So this just irks me that she did this to him.  But again, it could be her memory.  So I will leave it alone.  

I think I will send her a card with that short note.  Or maybe some information about my household for her, then add that in at the end.  I am not sure.  Sigh.  I hate this.  

I was going to message my birthmother about it, but she'll just defend her.  She's very codependent and cannot see that her mother is a narcissist.  And I do not want to push her.  Also, why contact her at all?  I've talked to her ONCE since the pandemic started in 2020.  And that was because I reached out to her (and of course she said "Oh, I was just going to message you and see if you're all okay!"--the hell she was).  So, talking to her about this will do nothing at all.  And that's falling back into my old patterns of  "needing an audience for my pain".  Something I learned as a child.  If someone makes you mad or mistreats you in some way, you tell everyone else about it, so you get validation that it's okay that you're upset about it.  This is the same reason people post on Facebook or other social media about that kind of stuff.  It's almost addictive, that validation.  And it's a hard habit to break.  It took me to get off social media as a whole for many years to learn not to do that.  Because when you do it, you get a reputation as a "drama queen", and rightly so.  I was a total drama queen for most of my life.  And learning not to be one is excruciatingly hard.  But it's doable.  Because I did it (though I do fall back into old patterns easily at times--especially around narcissists who I feel terrified of letting down, which is something else I still need to work on).  

Sigh.  Today is a new day.  I wrote the rest of this a few days ago and I let it sit.  And frankly, I forgot about it.  So no, I probably don't need to send my Grandma anything at all.  I just need to ignore it.  No, she should not get away with making my husband feel bad, but correcting her won't make her change.  She's obviously trying to get narcissistic supply from us.  Next time, I can just chuck anything she sends him in the garbage.  Or just open it myself.  He won't mind.  He's only ever met her once so he doesn't even know her at all.  

This is what we ACoNs go through.  This push and pull of "What do I do?  How do I respond to a narc's negative behavior?"  We feel one way, and then feel another.  It's so annoying.  

Well, I have better things to do than bother with her.  She has own real family.  She should just go bother them instead.  I am sure she doesn't treat them nicely and has her "golden children" and all that.  I feel bad for them.  They most likely don't even understand what's going on.  But I don't try to push my way into people's lives to educate them on this, as I have found that most people don't want to hear it.  So I just back off and let them deal with it on their own.  And none of my blood family members really talk to me or have anything to do with me, so I just need to step back and not see them as family (because they aren't).  We've all met a few times, but that's it.  My grandma isn't even really my grandma.  I've had contact with her for my entire life, but only through letters.  But she's a grandmother in name only.  It feels odd to even call her that anymore.  The last time I visited them all, they turned the visit into some kind of party for me and all my cousins acted weird about it (and I felt horribly out of place and awkward and really stupid).  I am not their family.  I wish they wouldn't keep trying to act like I am when clearly, they have their own family that doesn't include me.  Sometimes they treat me as though I am special, this long-lost family member.  And I don't like it.  My cousins don't like it either.  But that's just it.  They don't treat me as special any other time.  Ever.  Just when I visit.  It's like for show.  Behind closed doors, during the rest of the time, they ignore me, forget my birthday, or don't contact me for years on end.  It's fucking weird.  

Well, that has nothing to do with this card.  I mean, the card idea is fucking weird, too, as they've NEVER sent a Father's Day card to him in 17 years.  So why now?  And why be insulting about it?  

Ugh.  Just either forget I exist or treat me like actual family.  One or the other.  Don't play pretend, ya know?  Oh well.  Time to go do something else other than talk about the craziness of where I came from.  

Well, you can read more about that in my upcoming memoir, which will be out soon.  So, there's that.  Until then, I'll be playing with my chickens (we just put them out a couple days ago for the first time, yay!).  And chickens are so much more fun than silly narcissists.  

So, to pay me back for walking my next door neighbor's dog for a few months (not that I was walking him for a few months straight, it was after a few months of me walking him sporadically when they ask me to), they said they'd mow my front yard.  She told me this after I had already started mowing last week.  So, this week, he got out his mower, and mowed the very small patch between our yards.  That's it.  Um...I thought he was going to mow the whole thing?  He has a ride on mower, which means it's really not extra work, just extra time and gas.  Which was how they were going to pay me back.  I saw him do this little strip of grass and I giggled.  Well, that's not exactly paying me back, now is it?  But then again, I did forget one of those times to actually walk their dog, so I guess it's pay back, rather than paying me back.  I mean, they didn't know I didn't walk him, but then again, who knows what this lady has in place?  Maybe they do know and it really is pay back?  LOL  This woman has a network of people who do her bidding, so know knows who's reporting back to her.  Oops.

Anyways, tomorrow I get my boot for my foot.  I am in so much pain and she wants me to help watch her dog next month, FOR TWO ENTIRE WEEKS and this is my chance to finally say no (told you I wasn't going to be brave enough to say no on my own).  I should have said no to begin with, but I am not that kind of person.  I think something is okay when I agree to it, but then I really think about it and say "Well now, that is too much to ask of a simple neighbor, now isn't it?".  Plus, she's not paying me a single penny.  So yah, no way.  I'm good.  She's one of those people who think it's a privilege to watch her dog, as though we neighbors will be fighting over him.  Hahaha.  What a joke.  He's a cute dog, but 100% non-interactive at all.  He's old and blind and cute and boring.  Just like my old, blind, cute, and boring dog who just turned 17.  

So, I'm using my walking boot as an excuse as to why I can't help her out.  Oh, here's the funny part: I need a cane, too!  Bahahahaha!  But how much you want to bet that she'll say "Maybe you'll be better by then?"  Let's hope not.  If she does?  I will never do anything for her again (or, with me, I will weasel my way out of doing anything for her again).   

Tomorrow I get my boot.  I already have canes and walking sticks in the house, so I'm good on that.  The one I want to use is one that I made many years ago out of a really gorgeous piece of wood from our old tree.  Now I finally have a reason to use it (sounds morbid, but I've been saving it just in case I needed it one day).  I just hope this helps my foot heal, or else I'll be on crutches.  Which will then get me out of doing any job, for anyone, whatsoever LMAO  Muahahahahaha!  Though, that means also for myself, which really, really sucks, as I love to do shit and keep as busy as I can.

I laugh about it all, but it really  does hurt a lot, so I am honestly hoping this helps me heal.  We'll see.  And I will have to give back my garage door opener for them, too, I can't forget that.  But she won't let me, as I am sure whoever is going to watch him will get it.  

Alrighty, well, time to go build a gate for our chicken run.  I just wish it wasn't so damn hot outside.  Near 100 today.  Gross.  I think I'll make it in my living room instead.

I had a dream last night that fucked me up a little today.  I've been trying to forget it, but I can't and every time I think about it, I want to throw up.  One of those dreams that makes you sick just to think about.  Then I started thinking about what is the cause for things like this in my life.  There is an underlying event, or series of events, that has been the cause for all of this shit.  And I can't figure it out.  I do remember my friend E.  And his older brother.  And I have this memory from childhood, from a dream when I was a kid or real life, I don't know, but me and E were in a basement room in our underwear at dusk while this man circled us.  I am sure bad things happened to both of us back then, but what?  And was E and his brother (or their parents) the cause how this started for me or did I bring that to the table?  Were me and E both damaged and we both acted out in that certain way around each other because of what happened to use separately?  

Humanity is sick.  It's twisted and horrible and disgusting.  And it's not just a small amount of cases spread out around the world.  It's happening in your family right now.  It's happening next door.  It's happening every single fucking minute of every single fucking day.  Why??  Why is humanity like this??  

God, I just want to message E and ask him.  I want to message his brother and ask him, too.  But both of them are hardcore religious/inspirational junkies who want to drown their pasts in denial.  Which I totally get.  But not me.  I want to excavate that shit with a fucking spoon, or a backhoe and just dig until I find the truth.  But so much of the world just wants to forget.  I just want to fucking remember.  I want answers.  I want to know why I have these sickening dreams every so often.  I want answers to the billion questions I have about my past.  And who will give them to me?  Nobody.  That's who.  So here I am, stagnant, stuck in this drama and these dreams and these flashbacks and these feelings, with nothing to blame it on.  I hate this.  I like things clear cut.  I like to know who my abusers are so I can understand why the fuck I am the way I am.  And I so I can understand them, too.  

I hate these dreams.  I hate these feelings.  I just want to keep binging HBOMAX until they go away.  So, without answers, that's what I am going to do.  And fuck all those people who say TV is a waste of time.  It's better than turning to drugs.  And quite a bit more entertaining. 

 A year ago, my mother was a very different person.  She had just come out of rehab and was still trying to be up to her old tricks.  But slowly, little by little, they stopped working.  And that was because of my "WOTH Initiative".  If you haven't been here before, WOTH stands for "woman of the house".  See, from the dawn of time, my mother has positioned herself as the "woman of the house" even if she was visiting someone else.  It didn't matter.  My mother was the boss everywhere she went.  And little by little, I've been taking it back.  

The gross part living here with her was the fact she saw my husband as "man of the house" and her as "woman of the house".  What the fuck kind of messed up dynamic was that?  And that started LONG before we lived together.  She even lived a block away from me and acted exactly the same, telling me what to do with MY husband, as though he was hers.  As well as telling me what to do in my own house, as thought that was hers, too.  And when we moved here, oh boy.  The house is in her name, so she had a field day telling me what to do and reminding me this was HER house.  But after rehab, I slowly started taking my position back.  I still fight for it some days.  But only in moments.  But I had to train her to get her to back the fuck off.  Because being direct with her never used to work.  If I directly tell her exactly what I want from her, she would never comply.  In fact, she would do the exact opposite just to spite me.  So I had to be indirect for years, to the point of it driving me to insanity.  But then I learned how to do it right.  I learned I had to be direct, then follow it up with a punishment if she didn't listen, or really yell at her about it (or usually, both).  Just like a shitty little kid (not all little kids are shitty...well, they all can be sometimes, but like those specific shitty little kids...like little narcissists).  Here is how I did it: 

1. If I am direct with her and tell her "do not do this" and she does it anyways?  Then I become even more direct and take away her access to it.  If she won't stop going in the basement?  I put a new doorknob with a lock on the basement door.  If she won't stop taking the garbage cans in and out without her walker or a cane?  I lock the garbage cans up so she can't do anything with them.  If she won't stop getting the mail without using a walker or cane?  I give the mailman a vacation card so our mail is rerouted to the post office for a month.  Things like that.  It's not an actual punishment, but it's a direct way to let her know I am not fucking around.  And it works. 
2. I had asked her for almost two fucking years to stop opening my door.  She would stop, but then start up again, as though enough time had went by and she expected me to forget.  Then around 5 months ago or so she went into my room without me even being there without asking and I had a fucking fit and I screamed at her.  I told her that she was not allowed in my room, ever.  Her specifically.  I laid it all out for her.  I was mean, too.  And it hurt her feelings enough she hasn't touched my door again.  And if she does?  I will very arguably remind her she's not allowed to touch my fucking door.  When we first moved in here, I would wake up to her standing over me asking me questions.  Also, she would open my door, and I would scream "Shut my door! I am getting dressed!" and she would stand there with it open and refuse to shut it and say "You ain't got anything I've never seen before!!", as though she owned my body and was allowed to look at it anytime she liked.  She'd also come into my room and snoop around.  She'd also walk right in and sit on my bed, as though we were buddies, which always made me freak the fuck out because I do not want my mother in my bed.  So, I had directly asked her to stop this behavior so many god damned times before.  She refused, so I got a lock on my door.  Which helped.  But then she'd open it anyways, knowing when I didn't lock it like some kind of psychic ninja.  Then that last time she came into my room without me being there and that was it.  I screamed at her and told her the absolute truth: "You, you specifically, and only you, are not allowed in my room.  I never want you to think you can come into room, for any reason whatsoever, again!  EVER!"  And that got her to stop.  Now, when I want her to stop doing something, I am beyond direct with her, because after all this time, I am done playing games with her by being indirect.   And much of the time it finally works.  She's in a place that I developed that allows her to now to hear me when I ask for things, rather than think she can do whatever she likes.
3. She no longer badmouths me to her stupid friends.  I flat out told her that only bad parents badmouth their children and all her friends who badmouth their children are also shitty parents.  Now, she has stopped scheming behind my back, too.  I got her to stop these things because I listened to her phone calls and then would bring up to her that I heard.  She said "Are you listening to my phone calls?"  I said no, I can hear everything you say because the volume on your phone is so loud.  It's not a lie.  I really can.  But it's also not how I heard the things she said, either.  But now, she talks on speaker phone right out in the open where everyone can hear.  And if her friends try to badmouth me, she ignores them and talks about something else.  For the first time in her long and retarded life, and for the first time in mine, she doesn't badmouth anyone at all and only talks about nice things with her friends.  Well, except for one, her sort-of-friend who badmouths people in her own life (she's a horrible narcissistic old bitty) and my mom laps it up like a hungry little puppy.  But that's it.  It feels strange to not get stomachaches when the phone rings anymore or when her friends stop by anymore.  It feels strange to be able to trust her.  I don't feel that listening to her phone calls was an invasion of her privacy, because I felt, and still feel, that her behavior warranted a "jail-like" atmosphere.  Not imprisoning her, mind you, but a loss of rights.  If you commit crimes, you go to jail, you lose your privacy.  Well, she has committed real crimes in life she has never had to stand trial for (like stealing from the government), as well has committed crimes against me.  So, she lost her privacy.  I used to have to raid her room all the time to see what she was scheming (and she was always scheming about something--and once it was about committing an actual crime) behind my back.  I don't have to do that anymore, as she's quit all that.  All because of the dynamic I've created in this house between her and I.  She is no longer WOTH, so she has no power to do anything.  I took all her power away from her (well, mostly), so she's stopped badmouthing and scheming and hurting people (well, she still tries to get on my son's case, but that's even calmed down, too).  She's the type who gets a smidgeon of power and she will use it for evil.  So, take all her power away, and out goes the evil with it.  But I do have to stay on top of it, otherwise she tries to sneak shit in.
4. She still touches my stuff.  But to a much less degree.  Recently, I found out she was going through my bags from the grocery store that I would store in the living room until I had time to put the stuff inside of it away.  So, I looked at her straight in the face and said "Do NOT go through my things ever again.  I do not care what the reason is, you are not allowed to go through my bags at all!"  I always thought the living room was safe from her, but alas, it wasn't.  She got angry with me, but she hasn't done it.  Also, I have stopped leaving stuff in there for the time being anyways.  We are putting a door on the living room, hopefully soon (her cat has RUINED all of our furniture with cat piss, so now we have no furniture) and I think that may deter her from touching my shit in there.  But we'll see.  She still moves my stuff around the yard, which pisses me off.  But I get on her about it and while she always has excuses for me, it does happen less and less.
5. She used to bitch.  About everything.  And now she hardly bitches at all.  "Mow the lawn!" "I did the dishes and now the kids are dirtying them down again!!"  "Where are my dishes!  We are missing a plate!!"  Blah blah blah blah blah.  So I forced her to stop doing the dishes by telling her straight out "You put dishes away dirty sometimes, and never wash the ones thoroughly that you think you're washing, you are banned from doing them ever again."  Not only that, I wanted to put a stop to her complaining about dishes all the time.  So not only did I ban her from washing them, I force her to look at a counter full of dirty dishes most days.  I stopped washing them daily ad switched to every other day, or every two days.  Sounds gross, I know.  But 1) we have 5 plates, 5 dinner bowls, 5 salad bowls, 5 saucer plates, 5-7 coffee cups, and around 10 glasses.  That's it.  I don't keep more than we need in this house because that's just stupid.  We have 5 people, so we do not need more than what we have.  So the pile up is not horrible.  But it would drive her so fucking nuts to see dishes on the counter she would not shut up about it.  So the more she bitched, the less I did dishes and would wash them as I needed them.  I needed her to get used to seeing a little bit of mess so she could stop being so fucking OCD about it.  And it worked.  She literally stopped complaining.  Now, she's all like "anything goes!"  It's fucking refreshing to be able to after 45 fucking years of my life hearing her bitch about everything to hearing her stop bitching at all.  The dishes were the catalyst for her to accept some mess in her life.  Now she doesn't even make excuses if her friends come over anymore.  She also doesn't bitch if I don't mow exactly when she thinks I should.  In fact, I stopped mowing a section of the yard and now instead of freaking out about it, she laughs at it because the dogs and cats disappear in it.  Who is this person masquerading as my mother??  An alien??  What a sigh of fucking relief to have this break from her horrible self it is.  Maybe we can finally enjoy more of her last years on this earth together??  Probably not, but maybe in small doses?
6. She's stopped threatening me.  Like I said, she has no power anymore so she can't threaten me with anything (funny, I doodled in my journal about my mother a picture of Jareth, with the words "You have no power over me" back in 2017, and now in in 2022, it's finally come true).  Also, I tell her exactly how to human properly.  So when she wants something and I don't give it to her right when she wants it, and she used to threaten me about it, I'd say "Normal people say this instead" or "Normal people react in this way, rather than how you're reacting right now.  Let's try that, shall we?"  Things like that.  Nobody ever taught my mother how to act or react properly.  So I started doing it and it seems to be working.  I mean, I know if I gave her any power back (even though I can't), she'd go right back to threatening me again, but for now, in this little fucked up world I had to create for us, it's working.  So that's also refreshing. Well, to a point.  I hate having to curate the world I want to live in by staying on top of everything at all times.  It's tedious and tiring.  But at least she's changing.  But only because she has to.
7. I created rules for her to abide by.  And I remind her of them when she breaks them.  That way, I can just say "Hey, this is a rule we have in this house, so I can't do anything about it, and you have to comply."  Like "You must wash your hands when you come home from leaving the house".  It's a rule.  So, she's not allowed to break it.  The last time she did, she gave us a raging stomach bug a few months ago (like a fucking horrible one).  And I remind her of it.  "This is a rule for a good reason, because if you don't follow this rule, bad things can happen, not just to you."  Like, going down the basement.  If she tries to go down there alone, she could easily fall, and not just hurt herself, but die.  Granted, she doesn't give two squats about that, so I had to put a lock on the basement door that we lock up every single time we leave the house.  So, I make the rule enforceable even if she won't follow it.
8. I positioned myself into a place of power.  I am not just saying with WOTH, but also a position of power over her, specifically.  I am now her parent.  She has to ask my permission to do most things and I hold all the cards and she holds zero.  This is not a fun place for me to be, as I do not want another child.  I have two, and that's enough.  But now I have three because I have to.  If I do not, then, like I said above, she will use her ways for evil again.  The only reason she's changing AT ALL is because of the power I hold over her.  And by me doing so, it's the only reason that living with her is pleasant.  She still grates my nerves and she still tries to get bossy, and she still tries to have some say so over things, but mostly, she's quiet and does her own thing and when she does talk to us, she's being nice.  Sometimes she's not, but she's getting nicer as time goes on.  But ONLY because I hold all the power.  With her, the power struggle is all or nothing.  She wants it all, and if you give her even the slightest bit back, she will try to take it all again.  It's like a drug to her.  She has ZERO idea how to share: items, space, time, etc.  With her, she gets it all, or you get it all.  There is no even stevens with her.  She sees me as her object to give her what she wants now, so she plays nice in order to get it.  Before, I was her object to give her what she wants at all costs and fuck if I didn't give it to her the moment she wanted it.  She didn't care how it made me feel, nor did she see me as a valid human being that you shouldn't treat badly.  She still doesn't see me as a valid human being, but now she uses kindness to manipulate me.  Or so she thinks.  I know it's a manipulation, but hell, at least she's being kind! LOL  And that's all because I positioned myself into a place of power over her.  She HAS to be kind(er) to me, or else she doesn't get what she wants.  She always gets what she needs, even if she's horrible, but getting what she wants comes with a price.  Be nice, or the lady with all the power won't do nice things for you.  So, I make sure I fill up her cup with the things she asks for (certain books, snacks, etc.) when she's being a good girl.  It's like training a dog, except dogs are incapable of being shitty narcissists.  And the more we go along?  I can clearly see the sociopath in her.  How she can be so utterly cheerful to me, and then put her "annoyed voice" with her BFF Christmas five minutes later in order to get pity from her.  It's all a manipulation.  Well, at least I am training my mother in how to treat me, even if it's fake.  And somehow, it's working.
9. I stopped playing games with her.  I grew up only knowing how to play games.  To hint around at something you want vs. being direct about it in order to spare someone's feelings.  Well, I won't call it games.  I recently learned of this thing that explains why people are one of two ways: ask culture vs. guess culture.  Or, as I call it, narcissists vs. nice people (direct vs. indirect).  So, I had to learn to speak narcissist with her.  Throw that polite indirect way of asking for something (or telling someone something) out the damn window and just be direct.  It's not easy, for us non-narcissists.  It's more like trying to push a piece of wet spaghetti through a brick wall.  And we have literal physical reactions to it.  Some worse than others.  But the more you learn to be direct, the easier it gets.  Now, I can't be direct anywhere else in my life (though I can surprise myself and sometimes do it), but with her, I am getting better at it.  So, what I've learned is that even though my mother taught me how to be "guess culture", she uses it herself to manipulate to get what she wants.  So, if I hint around at something I want from her (like to stop coming into my room without asking), she will damn well know exactly what I'm asking of her, but she will pretend she doesn't in order to do what she likes.  I used to think she was forgetting, but she clearly wasn't.  Because the moment I directly told her she's not allowed in my room for any reason whatsoever, she hasn't tried since to even open my door to let a cat in.  So, for two fucking years, I danced around the subject, even though sometimes I'd directly tell her not to open my door without knocking, she just refused to listen to me. It took me being the most direct with her (and yelling at her) for her to stop.  She knew she could get away with not listening to me before because she thought I was too weak to stand up to her.  And I was.  She knew she could bowl me over, over and over again, because I'd just take it.  So being direct, and fiercely direct at that, was the only way to get her to stop.  That whole "ask culture" bullshit didn't do anything for me at all.  I have this horrible fear of hurting other people's feelings.  But narcissists do not respond otherwise, so you have to eventually muster up the courage to be direct.  And sometimes fiercely so.  And eventually, learn to only be direct with a narcissist.  Because if you don't, they will manipulate you by pushing you to the point you feel bad saying no to them.  
10. And last, but not least, I am learning to see her socipathy as an illness and separating myself from her shitty behavior.  This doesn't change our relationship, but it helps me to deal with everything in a better way.  If she treats me like shit?  It's because of her, not me.  I am not broken, I am not an easy target, I am not the reason she is the way she is or treats me the way she treats me.  That's all 100% on her.  That cord she so lovingly placed on me like a leash is now broken.  And I am a separate entity from her.  She still sees me as a continuation of her being, but that's her delusion.  She is a raw potato.  I allow her to be a potato in all her potato glory.  I remind myself, when she acts bad, that a potato is just going to do potato things and cannot act like a juicy steak or a refreshing salad.  She can mimic them, but at her core, she's all starch.  There is nothing else.  So, I cannot expect things from her she cannot give (remember my mantras?).  So let her just be a silly little potato in her silly little made up potato world.  I mean, I don't let her lie.  If I catch her in a lie I correct her.  All my life she keeps saying about how she worked on all the Mother's Days, and yesterday she said it again.  It's a cute little "poor me" story, but it's not true.  "You didn't work throughout my childhood, you only worked until I was maybe four years old, mom."  "No!  I worked at that restaurant!"  "You didn't work there when I was in school."  "No, I didn't."  "So, you only worked until I was four years old, perhaps even three.  That's only, at most, three times, most likely only two, and possibly only one Mother's Days that you worked."  She always acts like she worked all the Mother's Days, but she just plain didn't.  It's a story she made up years ago to get pity, or to add to the conversation when people talk about Mother's Day.  But it's wholly not true.  I didn't live with her for my first Mother's Day, so that's minus one right there.  And she didn't work at the restaurant for very long, maybe only a year, as my dad was too incompetent to take care of me (and she had my aunt and uncle stop taking care of me for some reason and didn't allow them to do it anymore).  So, stuff like that, I don't let her say because it's all either a lie, or was a lie to begin with, that she then started believing and it became her truth (there is SO much of that in her life, like most the stories she tells about our past).  So even though that's super potato behavior?  I don't let it slide because I am tired of being surrounded by lies.  But her other behavior?  Unless it's really harmful?  I just let her be her potato self.  And I distance myself from it and usually deal with it by ignoring her when she's acting all potatoey.  Like, if she says something rude or annoying, I just pretend like I don't hear her and walk away.  I am done letting her bullshit dictate my every moment of my day.  I don't even use headphones anymore to pretend like I can't hear her.  I just walk away.  Because #potatoesgonnapotate

Here's a recap for those of you who are dealing with a narc parent with dementia that you have to live with:

Today mother has a procedure at her doc's office today.  It was a scope to see if she had any masses in her bladder.  The nurse was super weirded out that I didn't want to be in the room with my mother who didn't have any pants on.  Even my son said "Wow, that's rude.  She could see you were uncomfortable, she shouldn't have pushed it."  But I didn't care what she thought and I went to wait in the waiting room with my son while she had it done, which was pretty quick.  

But before we went today, all week she's been on my case about not having my husband take her.  You may think "Oh, it's because it was a private thing, she didn't want a man there."  And you'd be wrong.  She has issues with my husband taking off of work to take her to her appointments.  She doesn't understand why I don't go anymore.  I used to do everything for her myself.  Every single thing.  And she loved it.  Not because she loves me, but because she loves knowing that I am her object to be at her beck and call, and she thinks it's 100% my job to take care of everything she needs.  Even before she needed help.  She's treated me like that her entire life.  I am her object to own.  So when, after a really horrible panic attack that put me in a position to put all the attention on me during one of her doctor's appointments, I quit.  First of all, I do not like being vulnerable in front of her.  She uses those times to hurt me.  And second, I know she loves being the center of attention, and I knew I'd pay for my mistake.  So I quit.  And my husband, even though he hates as much as I do, very sweetly stepped up to the plate for me.  I still do everything else for her.  But this one thing, that gives me horrible anxiety, he was nice enough to do for me.  He takes her to every single one of her appointments.  And at first, the transition was horrible.  She'd whine and bitch and complain that I wasn't going.  Which also gave me horrible anxiety.  But eventually, she relented and stopped.  

But she never stops butting in about who's taking her to her appointments when it falls during my husband's working hours.  And my answer is always "It's not up to you who brings you.  So shush about it."  She's obsessed with my husband.  She's obsessed with telling me what to do with him.  "Don't let him do this!"  "Don't make him do that!"  Blah blah blah.  It makes us all sick.  My son said today "Well, she wouldn't give a rat's ass if it were me having to take off of work to take her."  And he's right.  She wouldn't care at all.  Or she'd say something about it one time and that would be that.  With my husband?  She goes on and on and on about it.  All because she sees Mr. Brooks as her prized possession that nobody can make do uncomfortable things or put him out in any way.  

Then her BFF Christmas stopped by today, unannounced.  Which is the only way she stops by anymore.  Which got her all riled up.  She was being so annoying I had to tell her twice to stop being so loud.  She hates when people are together and are talking and she's not involved, so she will make as much noise as she possibly can to get everyone's attention on her.  And today was worse than usual.  

Then in the car, she pulled up her old "backseat driver" bullshit today, screaming at my son that he turned the wrong way and then not stopping, even though he was turning around.  He finally yelled "I KNOW GRANDMA!! BE QUIET!!!"   And then he had to yell at her again when she wouldn't stop nagging at him over something else.  I was happy I wasn't the only person annoyed with her today.  

So, at the appointment, they told her (well, me, she wasn't listening, per usual) that her coffee and cigarette habit influencing her bladder issues.  So I brought it up when we got home and she ignored me.  So I said "I love how you change the subject when I am trying to talk to you."  She said "Oh, I am listening."  But she wasn't.  She's a problem child who act like a fucking asshole 99% of the day.  So, I am taking it upon my self to start buying decaf and filling up her coffee containers.  And I am going to see if she can cut her smoking in half.  I know she won't be receptive, but I am going to tell her, that the next stop with her urologist isn't going to work unless she stops inserting stimulants into her body.  So she needs to cut down her smoking.  

Because the next step will cause us to have to take her every single freaking week to go have a half an hour procedure done for twelve goddamned weeks.  Then possibly once a month or less forever.  Good fucking grief.  Why can't she just have surgery??  One and done!  Ugh.  It's giving me anxiety just thinking about it.  Because my husband starts a new job in August and instead of second shift, which makes it easy for doctor's appointments for her, he'll be working first again.  Which fucking sucks for this entire issue.  

AND to find out....the state-funded nursing home in our town is going out of business.  So, where is she going to fucking go now?  Well, she'll be in a facility before that, I hope.  We'll see.  I really cannot stand living with her anymore, but I've put up with worse.  So we'll just see what happens with that.  I cannot believe just as the time is coming for her to be put into a home soon, that they'll be folding up.  I have no idea what to do.  We can't afford ourselves to put her anywhere at all.  

It's just one of those things I just have no idea how any of this is going to work out.  I mean, it will, one way or another.  I am thinking for one, to ask her BFF Christmas to help take her to her appointments after my husband's new job starts.  And as for the home thing?  I just don't know yet.  But maybe we can get her into assisted living at some point?  I am not sure.  We'll see.  

But that was the fun for today.  

Oh, also, whenever I take her anywhere, she won't stop touching her fucking face and fiddling with her mask.  And refuses to wash her hands when she comes home.  So I am going to be setting down new rules for her.  And I will enforce them.  

Damn, taking her anywhere is fucking stressful.  I hope that's the last of it for a bit LOL 

Well.  That was interesting.  

My grandmother sent my husband a card yesterday.  I opened it, because I thought she was going senile and sent him a birthday card, even though his birthday is near the end of the year.  But turns out, it was a Father's Day card.  Something she's never done in the 17 years we've been together.  

And this is what she writes: 

Dear Mr. Brooks,

I know the boys have a dad, but you play the role in the family every day.  So Happy Father's Day to you, too.  Hope you have a good day and a great summer.  Thank you for all you do.  

Love, 

Grandma C. 

Wow, so few words yet so much fucking disrespect.  She must have run out of narcissistic supply down south and now is coming after my family.  Oh, and my Mother's Day card this year was a "thank you" card she must have had leftover in her house LOL  

Oh, did I mention that my grandma is a narcissist?  I never knew that, as I don't know her very well, even though I've communicated with her for my entire life.  See, I'm adopted.  I was adopted at 18 months old.  My kids are also adopted.  Not by me, I birthed them, but by my husband.  Who is their legal and awesome father, and has been since 2011.  But he was their father long before that, for like five years, but my ex didn't give up his rights until then.  

But I know my grandmother is a narcissist after my aunt and my birthmother both told me stories about her.  The lies, the blame, the silent treatments, the manipulations, the competition, etc.  I tried to educate them about narcissism, but they both weren't ready to hear it yet.  But now, after I send my grandma my rebuttal, I am sure I will join the list of the black sheep in that family, as well.  And I am fine with that, because why would I care?  I barely know any of them.  I could just let this go, but I am so done with letting narcissists say whatever the hell they like and standing by and doing nothing about it.  

Now, I'm not going to be mean to her.  But I am going to be direct.  And she's not going to like it.  But oh well.  I am fine with that.  Because my husband deserves respect, and I will not let my narcissistic family disrespect him.  Now, could it be a little bit of me overreacting due to the fact that my husband used to never stick up for me to his family?  I don't think so.  I mean, he used to let his mother and father say whatever they liked to me and he'd say nothing.  It took him years to stand up to them.  But he eventually did.  And they disowned him for it.  Which, at the time, was his worst nightmare come true.  But then we both realized they were narcissists.  And our lives have been immensely better since then.  But my intense need to stand up for those I love (though I've chilled out a little bit) stems from a place of deep sorrow for living a life where nobody ever stuck up for me.  Not once.  Not my family.  Not my friends.  Nobody.  So I made friends with people and if anyone messed with them?  They'd incur my wrath.  I also felt the intense need to stand up for my mother, which culminated into the last time I ever did it when I was seventeen and threatened my dad's life.  Which got me punched in the face.  Which then got my mother to tell me if I pressed charges against my father she'd lie and say he was defending her from me and also she'd take me outside and give the cops a reason to arrest her instead of me (which makes no sense...as the cops would be there to witness that--and both my parents would be arrested...damn, I should have called the cops and had them both arrested LOL).  And it's not only people I have an intense need to protect, it's animals, too.  As my father used to beat my dogs.  

But that feeling has lessened as I've aged.  I am not so fly-off-the-handle-gung-ho about my protecting people anymore.  Unless it's an emergency.  My son has told me since he has a conceal carry license that if anyone ever threatens us, to please, please, please take cover do not try to be the hero.  To let him take care of it instead.  In the past, I've always been the protector of my family.  I would be the first one to stand in front of them to shield them from whatever was going on.  Now my kids are grown and have asked me to take a backseat.  And I comply, because if you always stand up for your kids and don't let them do it themselves, then what kind of life will they have later?  I was never the kind of mother who stood up to their friends for them, except for once.  I gave them advice and didn't interfere, unless it was dangerous.  Not like my old BFF's mom, who called my mother every single time her daughter and I got into an argument.  But if adults fucked with my kids (like my ex)?  If schools fucked with my kids?  If anyone fucked with my family?  You'd hear it from me.  Because I was a woman on a mission to protect everyone and anything that could not protect themselves.  

But my husband can protect himself.  And I am not really doing this to "protect" him.  It's more the face that I am done letting narcissists have their way.  I stand up to my mother quite frequently now.  Although, I still haven't informed my neighbor I'm not helping her for those two weeks while she's gone.  But I am getting there.  

But here are a couple of reasons her note REALLY pisses me off: 

1. She's suggesting he's playing the role of father, when he's their actual father. 
2. She's suggesting that what he does every single freaking day isn't as worthy as a real father.
3. She's suggesting my ex is their real father, even though he abandoned them. 
4. She's suggesting that adoption isn't a valid form of parenting, or if she doesn't remember that he adopted the kids, that stepparenting is also not a valid form of parenting. 
5. And she's doing what all the people I know do...they say to or about my husband "Oh, thank you for taking on two kids and stepping in as their father!  How brave you are!  Thank you for all that you do!  What a great guy you are!"  Because fuck that shit.  He's not a hero.  He's just a normal person who loves these two human beings and chose them as his family.  Just as I would if I were in his shoes.  Because that's what normal people do.  They just love.  The idea that stepparents or adoptive parents are heroes for taking on someone else's children.  Good grief.  Are we that much of an unfeeling world that that's so unheard of or out of the ordinary??  My mother has said this too many times and it makes me feel like I am some sort of charity case and my husband stepped in and saved us.  No!  We're just two normal people who know how to love and we decided to make a family out our love.  People really need to stop idolizing men who love children who aren't their own.  That's how all humans are supposed to be.  But especially when the children are awesome as my kids (haha!) *wink wink*  

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I may not send this at all.  But I want to.  But we'll see.  I know that pissing off a narc is just stupid and puts me and my family on her radar.  I should just leave it alone.  And I most likely will.  I am debating on writing to my birthmother and asking her some questions, but I do know I will be met with stubborn excuses, as she's the queen of those.  Especially when it comes to her mother (which is something I don't understand, but I don't live in her head, so I don't know what's going on in there).  So, I may say nothing at all.  I'll probably just vent here.  And burn the card later with my other paper trash.  Because isn't that where all narcissistic bullshit goes?  Reminds me of one of my favorite song's lyrics: 

"Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire."

What's wrong with me?  LOL  Ugh.  My neighbor called me at 8:07am this morning, knowing damn well my husband works second shift.  My husband had gotten up early to take our cat to be spayed before 8:00 and she saw one car was gone (even though another was in the driveway...my kids leave early all the time) and assumed we were awake.  I think that's bullshit though, I think she saw him leave and assumed I was awake, too.  But anyways, she called, I muted it and tried to go back to sleep (I normally don't get up until 9 or 10, depending on how late we stay up the night before).  Which did not work.  Thanks, neighbor.  

So, I go out in the yard later with my kids and we're hanging out and she corners me again.  And I knew what she wanted.  She wanted me to watch her freaking dog again.  And sure enough, I was right.  

Her: "Oh, I called you this morning, did you see my call?"

Me: "Oh no, I am sorry, I haven't looked at my phone.  What time did you call?"  I wanted to make it apparent to never call me that early again. 

Her: "A little after 8."

Me: "Oh, I was definitely sleeping.  My husband works second shift but just had to take our cat to the vet this morning.  He was annoyed at having to get up so early."  Again, driving home, that it was early as fuck to be calling my house.  

Her: "Oh, I saw your car gone so I assumed you guys were up."  Again, my kids go places that early all the time and she's never once called that early before. 

Then she went on to ask me to watch her dog tomorrow.  I said okay.  Because I have zero balls and cannot say no to most people when they ask me for things.  Which always gets me into a state of frenzy because I usually spend my days doing everything for everyone.  I do realize it's not their fault, I should just say no.  So now I am waiting on the other neighbor to message me about watching her dog for two weeks in July so I can tell her that I am unable to do so, instead of telling the neighbor with the actual dog we'll be watching.  Why?  Because, like I said, I have no balls.  For some reason, I can get super brave behind someone's back, but to their face?  I am a pure weakling.  

Why does saying no give me so much anxiety?  

I think it's because of this: 

All my life, I've been surrounded by narcissists who never let me say no.  If I do, I am told I am wrong or a jerk or they hound me until I say yes.  I grew up and chose friends that did the same thing.  I've developed a complete aversion to telling people no and even today, it's hard for me to tell my mother no, but not as hard as it used to be.  Which was EXTREMELY hard.  Like, so hard it physically made me sick to do so.  My mother has made it soooooo hard to tell her no without her throwing a fit.  She made me feel 100% unsafe to so do.  One thing she'd do is punish me every time I didn't do what she wanted.  So I grew to fear even the idea of saying no to her.  And that has pushed me to be who I am today, a person who has to play this runaround game with everyone, so I disappoint no one.  

Once, my therapist told me "You do too much for others.  Sounds like you need a break or start telling people no."  I got angry with him for saying that because how stupid was that?  I was fine!  I wasn't overworked!  I was keeping it together, man!!  

Turns out, he was fucking right.  I hate when narcissists are right (yes, he was a total narcissist who used to pat himself on the back for giving me even the slightest bit of advice).  Granted, he never knew I was mad at him for saying that.  Remember, I can't stand up for myself or express negative feelings to others without wanting to shit myself (okay, not really, but puking is more like it...or just like an overall total body paralysis).  But I am glad I didn't speak up, because he was right.  I do too much for others.  And I know this about myself now.  But I don't know how to fix it.  Not yet.  I am working on it.  But with her, rather than tell her to her face "Sorry, can't do it", I am going to do a little dance of "tell the other neighbor and let her tell her" bullshit.  God, that's so sneaky and so dumb.  But I can't help it.  I literally am paralyzed in fear at the idea of telling her no.  Just like my own mother.  

Yes, my neighbor is a busybody narcissist.  But even if she hated me, why should I care?  I just don't know.  But if she confronts me after talking to our other neighbor, then I will have to say no to her.  Which I won't have a choice but to be okay with at that point.  But the initial telling her is terrifying.  I don't think she'll actually care.  But still, there is a wall there I don't know how to break through.  

I think I should do some IFS work on this.  Find that inner part of me that has that wall built up and maybe together, we can break through this.  Because this poses an extreme issue in my life and creates a lot of problems for me, which in turn, creates issues for my family, too.  So I need to get to work on this.  

Anyone else have this issue?  Fear of saying telling people no?  Or fear of telling people anything negative at all?  One time, I had to confront someone about a really horrible thing they did, and I literally felt like I was having a real honest-to-goodness heart attack.  It was the most scariest thing I had ever done, as well as the most stressful.  All just to confront some idiot I didn't even care about.  How stupid is that??  That person is dead now, but I wish they were alive just so I could go back to their face and tell them what I really think of them.  But oh well, I will just write about them instead LOL  

Okay, time to go work on myself and see what comes up.  Later.