So, I asked L, my next-door neighbor who wanted me to watch her dog for two whole weeks with no pay, if she wanted her garage door remote back.  She said no, that's okay.  So, I guess she has more plans to ask me to watch her dog again.  But I'm giving it back anyways.  I am not sure how yet, but this is it.  I am no longer going to do it.  Sounds stupid, and overreacting, but it's just one more stupid thing I have to add the list of a billion things I already have to do each and every day.  I live on a homestead, remember, so I have tons of chores to do constantly.  I have ADHD and POTS and blah blah blah blah.  I can give excuses until my head pops off from insanity, but the truth is: I don't like her.  And I don't really care for her dog, either.  And the last time I watched him?  My neighbor's dog tried to attack him while I was walking him (with a migraine, no less), and that neighbor lied and said his dog would never hurt her dog.  But his dog is not leashed and is horribly aggressive.  And she believed him over me.  So, if she wants to put her dog in danger, so be it.  I am not doing it again.  And I don't like when people act as though I'm overreacting when I am telling the truth.  And the fucky neighbor?  Didn't even apologize to me about his dog doing that.  So, fuck em all.  

Plus, the last time I watched her dog he ran around drooling so much that it made me sick and he refused let me wipe his nasty little mouth.  Would I want someone to watch my dog who felt that way about my dog?  No fucking way.  I know she doesn't care if I like her dog or not, but that's the kind of owner she is.  I mean hell, she's leaving for two weeks and he'll be home alone most of that time (he doesn't eat when they're not there, so I hope he doesn't starve himself).  What kind of pet owner doesn't lodge their dog with a family member or at a pet care facility for that long?  A total asshole, that's who.  So I am done.  No excuses as to why I can't do it, I just don't fucking want to.  

I am too nice in person to be mean to anyone.  So it irks me that my nice behavior always sends the message that I am the go-to person for everything.  Every place I live, I get someone taking advantage of me.  And I know for 100% fact it's 100% my damn fault, too.  I lived for SEVEN YEARS without telling my old shitty next-door neighbor to not mess with my yard.  SEVEN YEARS.  And she was always coming into my yard and messing with shit.  Why couldn't I just say "stop it"???  What's wrong with me that I can't stand up for myself?  Or just say "no" to people who ask something of me?  I have no right to get angry at them for asking me if I never say no.  Now, I'm angry for other reasons, but the whole "taking advantage" feeling is my own fault.  I need to just say no.  Why is that so hard for me?  

Anyways, I come home today and the ding-dong neighbor (the one L is having take care of the dog-we were supposed to do it together as she didn't trust the ding-dong to do it alone) was out front staring at us as we pulled in.  Then L walked over behind our car and now they're all chummy BFF's and having conversations together in my front yard.  Sigh.  Please move to your own yards, ladies.  I don't like either one of you.  

Don't forget, the only reason I call the other one a ding-dong is because she hit up me up for drugs and told me her and her BFF are going in halfsies one a $500 load of norcos together.  WTF?  We live in a semi-rural/suburban neighborhood.  I thought I left these kinds of people back in the ghetto all those years ago??  I guess drug addiction is everywhere.  

Anyways, my real issue here that I talked about before are boundaries.  Nobody seems to have any.  It's like a life lesson that keeps getting thrown in my face over and over and over again.  I guess my job now is to figure out how to deal with it.  I mean, today I felt like a prisoner all over again, as I have so many times in the past, unable to do things at my own place of residence, all because my neighbors are holding me hostage (not including my mother..that's a whole other bag of dildos).  But they are only "holding me hostage" because I let them.  I don't law down the law.  But that's guess culture for you.  This wall that's set up inside of me that doesn't allow me, mentally or even physically, to be mean or semi-rude or even just forward with what I want.  How dumb is that?  Ask culture may be narcissistic in value, but guess culture can seem so freaking two-faced.  Inside, I am angry this person is asking something of me, but outwards I am as nice as apple pie.  I have been able to speak my truth before.  I don't know what happened to make me unable to do it again.  I don't get it.  

When the ding-dong keeps talking about the guy who lived here before us who built our fence that's falling down, all she said was "I don't know what the guy was thinking, my dad and I just sat in the house and laughed at him as he built it."  I WANTED to say "Well, that's rude, maybe you should have offered him help if you two knew how to do it better?"  And I've said shit like that before to people!  But for some reason, I just couldn't say it.  But I am at my breaking point and I think I will push myself to stand up to her.  She's fucking rude ALL the time and even walks into my garage, right through my yard from L's yard, as though it's perfectly okay to bother me when I am busy.  I keep my distance if I see my neighbors working.  I figure I am not going to bother them.  But both L and ding-dong get all up my grill whether I am in my backyard or front.  I HATE LIVING SO CLOSE TO PEOPLE!!!  I am not cut out for this.  I am really not.  

I am just waiting to find the right piece of land and then we'll see what we're going to do.  Because having neighbors?  Is for the fucking birds, man.  They drive me batty!  But before we move out into the country more, I need to learn to speak my mind.  To everyone.  Because I've had THREE crazy ass neighbors now that take advantage of my niceness since living here (not including the psycho up the street).  But that's all my fault.  100%.  My hubby will say "No, it's their fault for being so annoying!"  But we are the ones who need to set boundaries when others want to trample them.  People will only treat us with the amount of respect we demand from them.  If we allow disrespect, then they will always do it.  Just like dogs.  If you give them snackies because you're too nice to say no, then they will always demand snackies (meaning food from your plate or bag of chips, etc.).  If you allow idiots to demand snackies from you, and you never tell them to go away, or to stop fucking with your yard or letting their bitey little asshole dog shit in your yard which drives your dogs nuts, or to take that same shitty little dog and let him run up to you and bite you, if you let them all do this shit, then they will continue to do this shit.  We did yell at the guy with the shitty little dog (what's with all my neighbors thinking that everyone is just dying to be around their dogs??) but only after almost a year of him being a dumbass and obliterating our boundaries over and over again (it honestly took my husband to SNAP on him to get him to stop).  I should have nipped it in the bud the moment it started.  But I'm nice.  

Or rather, I am terrified of looking like an asshole.  Because while I am nice, I am so very two-faced in these situations.  I learned that from my mother.  AND I learned that actually standing up for yourself gets you slapped or punished or ignored or makes you the target for revenge.  So, I am terrified of speaking my mind.  And I am also the type of person who has no idea how I feel about something until AFTER the situation is over.  Which also makes me look two-faced.  It's a mixture of me being terrified of saying no or disappointing someone that I pretend like everything is okay in the moment.  But later one, I realize it's so very not okay.  It's like I can't even think of why it wouldn't be okay in the moment. I can't see the big picture or weigh the options.  So instead, I am all like "OH SURE!  THAT'S OKAY!"  I don't get it.  I hate that I am like that.  

I need to work on this part of myself.  To say "Let me get back to you on this" instead, so I can think about it before answering.  

But for now, I want to give L's garage door remote back.  I think I'll give it to her husband.  He's a really, really nice guy.  And he makes me feel very comfortable.  He defended me when I showed up at her house with a mask on and she kept getting on me about taking it off.  And he told her to stop.  Which made me feel so much better because why the fuck did she care if I was wearing a mask?  

Again, L a narcissist.  

So is ding-dong.  

So is the asshole across the street with the German Shepard who tried to bite L's dog when I was walking him.  

I am surrounded by narcissists.  But then again, when am I not?  I live with one.  

Okay, I'm done ranting now.  But this is how I figure out how I feel about something and how I work out what I'll do next.  I write.  And it usually works.  

So, anyone else can't stand neighbors?   

Oh, there will be a memoir about all of mine.  We've had so many, as we've moved so many times.  I've already started it.  But now I may have more to add in there.  Yay.