A year ago, my mother was a very different person.  She had just come out of rehab and was still trying to be up to her old tricks.  But slowly, little by little, they stopped working.  And that was because of my "WOTH Initiative".  If you haven't been here before, WOTH stands for "woman of the house".  See, from the dawn of time, my mother has positioned herself as the "woman of the house" even if she was visiting someone else.  It didn't matter.  My mother was the boss everywhere she went.  And little by little, I've been taking it back.  

The gross part living here with her was the fact she saw my husband as "man of the house" and her as "woman of the house".  What the fuck kind of messed up dynamic was that?  And that started LONG before we lived together.  She even lived a block away from me and acted exactly the same, telling me what to do with MY husband, as though he was hers.  As well as telling me what to do in my own house, as thought that was hers, too.  And when we moved here, oh boy.  The house is in her name, so she had a field day telling me what to do and reminding me this was HER house.  But after rehab, I slowly started taking my position back.  I still fight for it some days.  But only in moments.  But I had to train her to get her to back the fuck off.  Because being direct with her never used to work.  If I directly tell her exactly what I want from her, she would never comply.  In fact, she would do the exact opposite just to spite me.  So I had to be indirect for years, to the point of it driving me to insanity.  But then I learned how to do it right.  I learned I had to be direct, then follow it up with a punishment if she didn't listen, or really yell at her about it (or usually, both).  Just like a shitty little kid (not all little kids are shitty...well, they all can be sometimes, but like those specific shitty little kids...like little narcissists).  Here is how I did it: 

1. If I am direct with her and tell her "do not do this" and she does it anyways?  Then I become even more direct and take away her access to it.  If she won't stop going in the basement?  I put a new doorknob with a lock on the basement door.  If she won't stop taking the garbage cans in and out without her walker or a cane?  I lock the garbage cans up so she can't do anything with them.  If she won't stop getting the mail without using a walker or cane?  I give the mailman a vacation card so our mail is rerouted to the post office for a month.  Things like that.  It's not an actual punishment, but it's a direct way to let her know I am not fucking around.  And it works. 
2. I had asked her for almost two fucking years to stop opening my door.  She would stop, but then start up again, as though enough time had went by and she expected me to forget.  Then around 5 months ago or so she went into my room without me even being there without asking and I had a fucking fit and I screamed at her.  I told her that she was not allowed in my room, ever.  Her specifically.  I laid it all out for her.  I was mean, too.  And it hurt her feelings enough she hasn't touched my door again.  And if she does?  I will very arguably remind her she's not allowed to touch my fucking door.  When we first moved in here, I would wake up to her standing over me asking me questions.  Also, she would open my door, and I would scream "Shut my door! I am getting dressed!" and she would stand there with it open and refuse to shut it and say "You ain't got anything I've never seen before!!", as though she owned my body and was allowed to look at it anytime she liked.  She'd also come into my room and snoop around.  She'd also walk right in and sit on my bed, as though we were buddies, which always made me freak the fuck out because I do not want my mother in my bed.  So, I had directly asked her to stop this behavior so many god damned times before.  She refused, so I got a lock on my door.  Which helped.  But then she'd open it anyways, knowing when I didn't lock it like some kind of psychic ninja.  Then that last time she came into my room without me being there and that was it.  I screamed at her and told her the absolute truth: "You, you specifically, and only you, are not allowed in my room.  I never want you to think you can come into room, for any reason whatsoever, again!  EVER!"  And that got her to stop.  Now, when I want her to stop doing something, I am beyond direct with her, because after all this time, I am done playing games with her by being indirect.   And much of the time it finally works.  She's in a place that I developed that allows her to now to hear me when I ask for things, rather than think she can do whatever she likes.
3. She no longer badmouths me to her stupid friends.  I flat out told her that only bad parents badmouth their children and all her friends who badmouth their children are also shitty parents.  Now, she has stopped scheming behind my back, too.  I got her to stop these things because I listened to her phone calls and then would bring up to her that I heard.  She said "Are you listening to my phone calls?"  I said no, I can hear everything you say because the volume on your phone is so loud.  It's not a lie.  I really can.  But it's also not how I heard the things she said, either.  But now, she talks on speaker phone right out in the open where everyone can hear.  And if her friends try to badmouth me, she ignores them and talks about something else.  For the first time in her long and retarded life, and for the first time in mine, she doesn't badmouth anyone at all and only talks about nice things with her friends.  Well, except for one, her sort-of-friend who badmouths people in her own life (she's a horrible narcissistic old bitty) and my mom laps it up like a hungry little puppy.  But that's it.  It feels strange to not get stomachaches when the phone rings anymore or when her friends stop by anymore.  It feels strange to be able to trust her.  I don't feel that listening to her phone calls was an invasion of her privacy, because I felt, and still feel, that her behavior warranted a "jail-like" atmosphere.  Not imprisoning her, mind you, but a loss of rights.  If you commit crimes, you go to jail, you lose your privacy.  Well, she has committed real crimes in life she has never had to stand trial for (like stealing from the government), as well has committed crimes against me.  So, she lost her privacy.  I used to have to raid her room all the time to see what she was scheming (and she was always scheming about something--and once it was about committing an actual crime) behind my back.  I don't have to do that anymore, as she's quit all that.  All because of the dynamic I've created in this house between her and I.  She is no longer WOTH, so she has no power to do anything.  I took all her power away from her (well, mostly), so she's stopped badmouthing and scheming and hurting people (well, she still tries to get on my son's case, but that's even calmed down, too).  She's the type who gets a smidgeon of power and she will use it for evil.  So, take all her power away, and out goes the evil with it.  But I do have to stay on top of it, otherwise she tries to sneak shit in.
4. She still touches my stuff.  But to a much less degree.  Recently, I found out she was going through my bags from the grocery store that I would store in the living room until I had time to put the stuff inside of it away.  So, I looked at her straight in the face and said "Do NOT go through my things ever again.  I do not care what the reason is, you are not allowed to go through my bags at all!"  I always thought the living room was safe from her, but alas, it wasn't.  She got angry with me, but she hasn't done it.  Also, I have stopped leaving stuff in there for the time being anyways.  We are putting a door on the living room, hopefully soon (her cat has RUINED all of our furniture with cat piss, so now we have no furniture) and I think that may deter her from touching my shit in there.  But we'll see.  She still moves my stuff around the yard, which pisses me off.  But I get on her about it and while she always has excuses for me, it does happen less and less.
5. She used to bitch.  About everything.  And now she hardly bitches at all.  "Mow the lawn!" "I did the dishes and now the kids are dirtying them down again!!"  "Where are my dishes!  We are missing a plate!!"  Blah blah blah blah blah.  So I forced her to stop doing the dishes by telling her straight out "You put dishes away dirty sometimes, and never wash the ones thoroughly that you think you're washing, you are banned from doing them ever again."  Not only that, I wanted to put a stop to her complaining about dishes all the time.  So not only did I ban her from washing them, I force her to look at a counter full of dirty dishes most days.  I stopped washing them daily ad switched to every other day, or every two days.  Sounds gross, I know.  But 1) we have 5 plates, 5 dinner bowls, 5 salad bowls, 5 saucer plates, 5-7 coffee cups, and around 10 glasses.  That's it.  I don't keep more than we need in this house because that's just stupid.  We have 5 people, so we do not need more than what we have.  So the pile up is not horrible.  But it would drive her so fucking nuts to see dishes on the counter she would not shut up about it.  So the more she bitched, the less I did dishes and would wash them as I needed them.  I needed her to get used to seeing a little bit of mess so she could stop being so fucking OCD about it.  And it worked.  She literally stopped complaining.  Now, she's all like "anything goes!"  It's fucking refreshing to be able to after 45 fucking years of my life hearing her bitch about everything to hearing her stop bitching at all.  The dishes were the catalyst for her to accept some mess in her life.  Now she doesn't even make excuses if her friends come over anymore.  She also doesn't bitch if I don't mow exactly when she thinks I should.  In fact, I stopped mowing a section of the yard and now instead of freaking out about it, she laughs at it because the dogs and cats disappear in it.  Who is this person masquerading as my mother??  An alien??  What a sigh of fucking relief to have this break from her horrible self it is.  Maybe we can finally enjoy more of her last years on this earth together??  Probably not, but maybe in small doses?
6. She's stopped threatening me.  Like I said, she has no power anymore so she can't threaten me with anything (funny, I doodled in my journal about my mother a picture of Jareth, with the words "You have no power over me" back in 2017, and now in in 2022, it's finally come true).  Also, I tell her exactly how to human properly.  So when she wants something and I don't give it to her right when she wants it, and she used to threaten me about it, I'd say "Normal people say this instead" or "Normal people react in this way, rather than how you're reacting right now.  Let's try that, shall we?"  Things like that.  Nobody ever taught my mother how to act or react properly.  So I started doing it and it seems to be working.  I mean, I know if I gave her any power back (even though I can't), she'd go right back to threatening me again, but for now, in this little fucked up world I had to create for us, it's working.  So that's also refreshing. Well, to a point.  I hate having to curate the world I want to live in by staying on top of everything at all times.  It's tedious and tiring.  But at least she's changing.  But only because she has to.
7. I created rules for her to abide by.  And I remind her of them when she breaks them.  That way, I can just say "Hey, this is a rule we have in this house, so I can't do anything about it, and you have to comply."  Like "You must wash your hands when you come home from leaving the house".  It's a rule.  So, she's not allowed to break it.  The last time she did, she gave us a raging stomach bug a few months ago (like a fucking horrible one).  And I remind her of it.  "This is a rule for a good reason, because if you don't follow this rule, bad things can happen, not just to you."  Like, going down the basement.  If she tries to go down there alone, she could easily fall, and not just hurt herself, but die.  Granted, she doesn't give two squats about that, so I had to put a lock on the basement door that we lock up every single time we leave the house.  So, I make the rule enforceable even if she won't follow it.
8. I positioned myself into a place of power.  I am not just saying with WOTH, but also a position of power over her, specifically.  I am now her parent.  She has to ask my permission to do most things and I hold all the cards and she holds zero.  This is not a fun place for me to be, as I do not want another child.  I have two, and that's enough.  But now I have three because I have to.  If I do not, then, like I said above, she will use her ways for evil again.  The only reason she's changing AT ALL is because of the power I hold over her.  And by me doing so, it's the only reason that living with her is pleasant.  She still grates my nerves and she still tries to get bossy, and she still tries to have some say so over things, but mostly, she's quiet and does her own thing and when she does talk to us, she's being nice.  Sometimes she's not, but she's getting nicer as time goes on.  But ONLY because I hold all the power.  With her, the power struggle is all or nothing.  She wants it all, and if you give her even the slightest bit back, she will try to take it all again.  It's like a drug to her.  She has ZERO idea how to share: items, space, time, etc.  With her, she gets it all, or you get it all.  There is no even stevens with her.  She sees me as her object to give her what she wants now, so she plays nice in order to get it.  Before, I was her object to give her what she wants at all costs and fuck if I didn't give it to her the moment she wanted it.  She didn't care how it made me feel, nor did she see me as a valid human being that you shouldn't treat badly.  She still doesn't see me as a valid human being, but now she uses kindness to manipulate me.  Or so she thinks.  I know it's a manipulation, but hell, at least she's being kind! LOL  And that's all because I positioned myself into a place of power over her.  She HAS to be kind(er) to me, or else she doesn't get what she wants.  She always gets what she needs, even if she's horrible, but getting what she wants comes with a price.  Be nice, or the lady with all the power won't do nice things for you.  So, I make sure I fill up her cup with the things she asks for (certain books, snacks, etc.) when she's being a good girl.  It's like training a dog, except dogs are incapable of being shitty narcissists.  And the more we go along?  I can clearly see the sociopath in her.  How she can be so utterly cheerful to me, and then put her "annoyed voice" with her BFF Christmas five minutes later in order to get pity from her.  It's all a manipulation.  Well, at least I am training my mother in how to treat me, even if it's fake.  And somehow, it's working.
9. I stopped playing games with her.  I grew up only knowing how to play games.  To hint around at something you want vs. being direct about it in order to spare someone's feelings.  Well, I won't call it games.  I recently learned of this thing that explains why people are one of two ways: ask culture vs. guess culture.  Or, as I call it, narcissists vs. nice people (direct vs. indirect).  So, I had to learn to speak narcissist with her.  Throw that polite indirect way of asking for something (or telling someone something) out the damn window and just be direct.  It's not easy, for us non-narcissists.  It's more like trying to push a piece of wet spaghetti through a brick wall.  And we have literal physical reactions to it.  Some worse than others.  But the more you learn to be direct, the easier it gets.  Now, I can't be direct anywhere else in my life (though I can surprise myself and sometimes do it), but with her, I am getting better at it.  So, what I've learned is that even though my mother taught me how to be "guess culture", she uses it herself to manipulate to get what she wants.  So, if I hint around at something I want from her (like to stop coming into my room without asking), she will damn well know exactly what I'm asking of her, but she will pretend she doesn't in order to do what she likes.  I used to think she was forgetting, but she clearly wasn't.  Because the moment I directly told her she's not allowed in my room for any reason whatsoever, she hasn't tried since to even open my door to let a cat in.  So, for two fucking years, I danced around the subject, even though sometimes I'd directly tell her not to open my door without knocking, she just refused to listen to me. It took me being the most direct with her (and yelling at her) for her to stop.  She knew she could get away with not listening to me before because she thought I was too weak to stand up to her.  And I was.  She knew she could bowl me over, over and over again, because I'd just take it.  So being direct, and fiercely direct at that, was the only way to get her to stop.  That whole "ask culture" bullshit didn't do anything for me at all.  I have this horrible fear of hurting other people's feelings.  But narcissists do not respond otherwise, so you have to eventually muster up the courage to be direct.  And sometimes fiercely so.  And eventually, learn to only be direct with a narcissist.  Because if you don't, they will manipulate you by pushing you to the point you feel bad saying no to them.  
10. And last, but not least, I am learning to see her socipathy as an illness and separating myself from her shitty behavior.  This doesn't change our relationship, but it helps me to deal with everything in a better way.  If she treats me like shit?  It's because of her, not me.  I am not broken, I am not an easy target, I am not the reason she is the way she is or treats me the way she treats me.  That's all 100% on her.  That cord she so lovingly placed on me like a leash is now broken.  And I am a separate entity from her.  She still sees me as a continuation of her being, but that's her delusion.  She is a raw potato.  I allow her to be a potato in all her potato glory.  I remind myself, when she acts bad, that a potato is just going to do potato things and cannot act like a juicy steak or a refreshing salad.  She can mimic them, but at her core, she's all starch.  There is nothing else.  So, I cannot expect things from her she cannot give (remember my mantras?).  So let her just be a silly little potato in her silly little made up potato world.  I mean, I don't let her lie.  If I catch her in a lie I correct her.  All my life she keeps saying about how she worked on all the Mother's Days, and yesterday she said it again.  It's a cute little "poor me" story, but it's not true.  "You didn't work throughout my childhood, you only worked until I was maybe four years old, mom."  "No!  I worked at that restaurant!"  "You didn't work there when I was in school."  "No, I didn't."  "So, you only worked until I was four years old, perhaps even three.  That's only, at most, three times, most likely only two, and possibly only one Mother's Days that you worked."  She always acts like she worked all the Mother's Days, but she just plain didn't.  It's a story she made up years ago to get pity, or to add to the conversation when people talk about Mother's Day.  But it's wholly not true.  I didn't live with her for my first Mother's Day, so that's minus one right there.  And she didn't work at the restaurant for very long, maybe only a year, as my dad was too incompetent to take care of me (and she had my aunt and uncle stop taking care of me for some reason and didn't allow them to do it anymore).  So, stuff like that, I don't let her say because it's all either a lie, or was a lie to begin with, that she then started believing and it became her truth (there is SO much of that in her life, like most the stories she tells about our past).  So even though that's super potato behavior?  I don't let it slide because I am tired of being surrounded by lies.  But her other behavior?  Unless it's really harmful?  I just let her be her potato self.  And I distance myself from it and usually deal with it by ignoring her when she's acting all potatoey.  Like, if she says something rude or annoying, I just pretend like I don't hear her and walk away.  I am done letting her bullshit dictate my every moment of my day.  I don't even use headphones anymore to pretend like I can't hear her.  I just walk away.  Because #potatoesgonnapotate

Here's a recap for those of you who are dealing with a narc parent with dementia that you have to live with: