I had a dream last night that fucked me up a little today.  I've been trying to forget it, but I can't and every time I think about it, I want to throw up.  One of those dreams that makes you sick just to think about.  Then I started thinking about what is the cause for things like this in my life.  There is an underlying event, or series of events, that has been the cause for all of this shit.  And I can't figure it out.  I do remember my friend E.  And his older brother.  And I have this memory from childhood, from a dream when I was a kid or real life, I don't know, but me and E were in a basement room in our underwear at dusk while this man circled us.  I am sure bad things happened to both of us back then, but what?  And was E and his brother (or their parents) the cause how this started for me or did I bring that to the table?  Were me and E both damaged and we both acted out in that certain way around each other because of what happened to use separately?  

Humanity is sick.  It's twisted and horrible and disgusting.  And it's not just a small amount of cases spread out around the world.  It's happening in your family right now.  It's happening next door.  It's happening every single fucking minute of every single fucking day.  Why??  Why is humanity like this??  

God, I just want to message E and ask him.  I want to message his brother and ask him, too.  But both of them are hardcore religious/inspirational junkies who want to drown their pasts in denial.  Which I totally get.  But not me.  I want to excavate that shit with a fucking spoon, or a backhoe and just dig until I find the truth.  But so much of the world just wants to forget.  I just want to fucking remember.  I want answers.  I want to know why I have these sickening dreams every so often.  I want answers to the billion questions I have about my past.  And who will give them to me?  Nobody.  That's who.  So here I am, stagnant, stuck in this drama and these dreams and these flashbacks and these feelings, with nothing to blame it on.  I hate this.  I like things clear cut.  I like to know who my abusers are so I can understand why the fuck I am the way I am.  And I so I can understand them, too.  

I hate these dreams.  I hate these feelings.  I just want to keep binging HBOMAX until they go away.  So, without answers, that's what I am going to do.  And fuck all those people who say TV is a waste of time.  It's better than turning to drugs.  And quite a bit more entertaining.