What's wrong with me?  LOL  Ugh.  My neighbor called me at 8:07am this morning, knowing damn well my husband works second shift.  My husband had gotten up early to take our cat to be spayed before 8:00 and she saw one car was gone (even though another was in the driveway...my kids leave early all the time) and assumed we were awake.  I think that's bullshit though, I think she saw him leave and assumed I was awake, too.  But anyways, she called, I muted it and tried to go back to sleep (I normally don't get up until 9 or 10, depending on how late we stay up the night before).  Which did not work.  Thanks, neighbor.  

So, I go out in the yard later with my kids and we're hanging out and she corners me again.  And I knew what she wanted.  She wanted me to watch her freaking dog again.  And sure enough, I was right.  

Her: "Oh, I called you this morning, did you see my call?"

Me: "Oh no, I am sorry, I haven't looked at my phone.  What time did you call?"  I wanted to make it apparent to never call me that early again. 

Her: "A little after 8."

Me: "Oh, I was definitely sleeping.  My husband works second shift but just had to take our cat to the vet this morning.  He was annoyed at having to get up so early."  Again, driving home, that it was early as fuck to be calling my house.  

Her: "Oh, I saw your car gone so I assumed you guys were up."  Again, my kids go places that early all the time and she's never once called that early before. 

Then she went on to ask me to watch her dog tomorrow.  I said okay.  Because I have zero balls and cannot say no to most people when they ask me for things.  Which always gets me into a state of frenzy because I usually spend my days doing everything for everyone.  I do realize it's not their fault, I should just say no.  So now I am waiting on the other neighbor to message me about watching her dog for two weeks in July so I can tell her that I am unable to do so, instead of telling the neighbor with the actual dog we'll be watching.  Why?  Because, like I said, I have no balls.  For some reason, I can get super brave behind someone's back, but to their face?  I am a pure weakling.  

Why does saying no give me so much anxiety?  

I think it's because of this: 

All my life, I've been surrounded by narcissists who never let me say no.  If I do, I am told I am wrong or a jerk or they hound me until I say yes.  I grew up and chose friends that did the same thing.  I've developed a complete aversion to telling people no and even today, it's hard for me to tell my mother no, but not as hard as it used to be.  Which was EXTREMELY hard.  Like, so hard it physically made me sick to do so.  My mother has made it soooooo hard to tell her no without her throwing a fit.  She made me feel 100% unsafe to so do.  One thing she'd do is punish me every time I didn't do what she wanted.  So I grew to fear even the idea of saying no to her.  And that has pushed me to be who I am today, a person who has to play this runaround game with everyone, so I disappoint no one.  

Once, my therapist told me "You do too much for others.  Sounds like you need a break or start telling people no."  I got angry with him for saying that because how stupid was that?  I was fine!  I wasn't overworked!  I was keeping it together, man!!  

Turns out, he was fucking right.  I hate when narcissists are right (yes, he was a total narcissist who used to pat himself on the back for giving me even the slightest bit of advice).  Granted, he never knew I was mad at him for saying that.  Remember, I can't stand up for myself or express negative feelings to others without wanting to shit myself (okay, not really, but puking is more like it...or just like an overall total body paralysis).  But I am glad I didn't speak up, because he was right.  I do too much for others.  And I know this about myself now.  But I don't know how to fix it.  Not yet.  I am working on it.  But with her, rather than tell her to her face "Sorry, can't do it", I am going to do a little dance of "tell the other neighbor and let her tell her" bullshit.  God, that's so sneaky and so dumb.  But I can't help it.  I literally am paralyzed in fear at the idea of telling her no.  Just like my own mother.  

Yes, my neighbor is a busybody narcissist.  But even if she hated me, why should I care?  I just don't know.  But if she confronts me after talking to our other neighbor, then I will have to say no to her.  Which I won't have a choice but to be okay with at that point.  But the initial telling her is terrifying.  I don't think she'll actually care.  But still, there is a wall there I don't know how to break through.  

I think I should do some IFS work on this.  Find that inner part of me that has that wall built up and maybe together, we can break through this.  Because this poses an extreme issue in my life and creates a lot of problems for me, which in turn, creates issues for my family, too.  So I need to get to work on this.  

Anyone else have this issue?  Fear of saying telling people no?  Or fear of telling people anything negative at all?  One time, I had to confront someone about a really horrible thing they did, and I literally felt like I was having a real honest-to-goodness heart attack.  It was the most scariest thing I had ever done, as well as the most stressful.  All just to confront some idiot I didn't even care about.  How stupid is that??  That person is dead now, but I wish they were alive just so I could go back to their face and tell them what I really think of them.  But oh well, I will just write about them instead LOL  

Okay, time to go work on myself and see what comes up.  Later.