If you read my past post about my hubby's Father's Day card from my grandmother, then you'd know I am wondering what to do about it.  I am not sending that letter that I wrote on my last about this.  It's too much.  If I did send something, it would be short and to the point.  Maybe just a note, like an afterthought, a "just so you know" little quip that looks like it means nothing at all.  Because if she knows she's bothered me, it may make her happy.  It's so hard to think of her that way, since I don't really know her.  I'd like to think that if I wrote her that letter, she'd say "Oh, wow, I am so sorry, I didn't think of it that way!"  But she's a narcissist.  This I know (for her behavior tells me so).  So, writing this long letter is just plain stupid.  This I also know. 

So, instead, I could write a short little quip to her, some witty remark that states "Thank for the card, but my husband doesn't "play the role" of my children's father, he is their only father, and has been for more than a decade.  But thanks anyways!"  Giving that exclamation point indicates I am not angry.  And the "thanks anyways" indicates she tried, but she failed, to do something nice for him.  And the shortness indicates that I cannot be bothered to write more.  

But I don't even know if that's worth it.  

Here is my other idea:  I would like to stop receiving cards from her, period.  So, if she sends one, I should just send it back.  But I just reread her birthday card to me (which was a month ago), and it was really, really nice.  I don't want to believe she's being cruel to him.  She probably isn't, and thought she was being nice in her warped little brain by saying what she said, but if that's the case, she really needs to understand what she said was hurtful.  I just don't know.  

Here's how I see it: what's the harm in sending the note?  I don't ever speak to her unless it's a holiday or our birthdays.  And then, it's through cards only.  I've lived all of my life only communicating with her through cards.  So, if it pisses her off that I say this, what will happen?  She'll stop sending me cards?  She can't remember half the time to send me birthday cards anyways.  For my 40th, she, and my birthmother, both COMPLETELY forgot about it.  Which was horribly hard for me, since I had just went no contact with my mother a couple weeks before.  So, it's not going to be much of a punishment.  I could add "I know you most likely didn't mean anything by it, because maybe you don't realize, but..."  That way she doesn't have to explain to me she didn't mean anything by it.  Because they always say that.  

Here's another issue (that I won't bring up to her, but it does add to my irritation), she spelled his last name wrong.  It's the same as mine.  And she sends me cards with the right last name (finally) and spelled his wrong.  On purpose?  I can't say yes or no.  She IS old, like 90, so she very well could have forgotten, even though it had been less than a month since her card for me.  But still.  My in-laws ALWAYS spelled my first name wrong, even though it's easy and we'd been together for so long.  They did it on purpose to show me I didn't matter enough to them to remember how to spell my name (they're raging narcissists, both of them).  So this just irks me that she did this to him.  But again, it could be her memory.  So I will leave it alone.  

I think I will send her a card with that short note.  Or maybe some information about my household for her, then add that in at the end.  I am not sure.  Sigh.  I hate this.  

I was going to message my birthmother about it, but she'll just defend her.  She's very codependent and cannot see that her mother is a narcissist.  And I do not want to push her.  Also, why contact her at all?  I've talked to her ONCE since the pandemic started in 2020.  And that was because I reached out to her (and of course she said "Oh, I was just going to message you and see if you're all okay!"--the hell she was).  So, talking to her about this will do nothing at all.  And that's falling back into my old patterns of  "needing an audience for my pain".  Something I learned as a child.  If someone makes you mad or mistreats you in some way, you tell everyone else about it, so you get validation that it's okay that you're upset about it.  This is the same reason people post on Facebook or other social media about that kind of stuff.  It's almost addictive, that validation.  And it's a hard habit to break.  It took me to get off social media as a whole for many years to learn not to do that.  Because when you do it, you get a reputation as a "drama queen", and rightly so.  I was a total drama queen for most of my life.  And learning not to be one is excruciatingly hard.  But it's doable.  Because I did it (though I do fall back into old patterns easily at times--especially around narcissists who I feel terrified of letting down, which is something else I still need to work on).  

Sigh.  Today is a new day.  I wrote the rest of this a few days ago and I let it sit.  And frankly, I forgot about it.  So no, I probably don't need to send my Grandma anything at all.  I just need to ignore it.  No, she should not get away with making my husband feel bad, but correcting her won't make her change.  She's obviously trying to get narcissistic supply from us.  Next time, I can just chuck anything she sends him in the garbage.  Or just open it myself.  He won't mind.  He's only ever met her once so he doesn't even know her at all.  

This is what we ACoNs go through.  This push and pull of "What do I do?  How do I respond to a narc's negative behavior?"  We feel one way, and then feel another.  It's so annoying.  

Well, I have better things to do than bother with her.  She has own real family.  She should just go bother them instead.  I am sure she doesn't treat them nicely and has her "golden children" and all that.  I feel bad for them.  They most likely don't even understand what's going on.  But I don't try to push my way into people's lives to educate them on this, as I have found that most people don't want to hear it.  So I just back off and let them deal with it on their own.  And none of my blood family members really talk to me or have anything to do with me, so I just need to step back and not see them as family (because they aren't).  We've all met a few times, but that's it.  My grandma isn't even really my grandma.  I've had contact with her for my entire life, but only through letters.  But she's a grandmother in name only.  It feels odd to even call her that anymore.  The last time I visited them all, they turned the visit into some kind of party for me and all my cousins acted weird about it (and I felt horribly out of place and awkward and really stupid).  I am not their family.  I wish they wouldn't keep trying to act like I am when clearly, they have their own family that doesn't include me.  Sometimes they treat me as though I am special, this long-lost family member.  And I don't like it.  My cousins don't like it either.  But that's just it.  They don't treat me as special any other time.  Ever.  Just when I visit.  It's like for show.  Behind closed doors, during the rest of the time, they ignore me, forget my birthday, or don't contact me for years on end.  It's fucking weird.  

Well, that has nothing to do with this card.  I mean, the card idea is fucking weird, too, as they've NEVER sent a Father's Day card to him in 17 years.  So why now?  And why be insulting about it?  

Ugh.  Just either forget I exist or treat me like actual family.  One or the other.  Don't play pretend, ya know?  Oh well.  Time to go do something else other than talk about the craziness of where I came from.  

Well, you can read more about that in my upcoming memoir, which will be out soon.  So, there's that.  Until then, I'll be playing with my chickens (we just put them out a couple days ago for the first time, yay!).  And chickens are so much more fun than silly narcissists.