"Today was a day," my husband said, after he came home from work today.  And indeed, it was.  He had taught four classes today as the new technical trainer at his work, each lasting for almost an hour.  That's the most he's ever done yet.  His voice was strained from talking so much, but he still enjoyed it, even thought it was long and tedious.  

But then he came home and had to deal with so much more fun.

And boy, today was fucking special. 

First of all, my mother was hanging out outside with my son, my oldest, the only person in the house that gives her any attention, the only one who listens to her, and the only one who tells her anything about our lives.  And he does everything she ever asks of him, for the most part.  Because, well, he is the only she asks to do anything that is manual labor.  She asks me to buy her stuff.  And asks my youngest for help with her computer and TV.  And asks my husband for basically nothing, other than to ask him to ask me to do something for her (wash her clothes, put this up, get her that, call her doctors, etc.).  She sometimes tells him her medical problems, but usually, again, she tells him to tell me about it.  Anyways, so the rest of us don't have much to do with her.  And that's because when we do, she uses that information or task to use us, abuse us, or just plain get her jollies off on being mean or rude to use.  She never asks me what I am up to, or how my day is, or anything.  She only does when she's controlling me.  Now that she's no longer controlling me (manually, mentally she still controls me--meaning I still sometimes act as though she is), she has no use for me other than what I can do for her.  

So, she's hanging out with my son, and he's talking to her about whatever.  Nobody in our house hangs out with her because of what I said above.  But sometimes, he does.  So, she's getting something she normally doesn't get from daily life: someone to listen to her jabber on about whatever.  In the past, her jabbering on would be about how we could do this or that, different from the way we normally do it, because...well, no reason.  She just wants to change everything and always tell people they're doing shit wrong.  So, then he starts to feel sick later in the day.  My hubby and I head out to buy my mom her cancer sticks (cigarettes) and stop at the grocery store.  And my son is watching TV in the living room, trying to feel better.  And she pokes her head in and says "Grandson (she uses his real name), come here!!"  He says "in a minute".  Then she yells "never mind".  Then she comes in and says "Do you have two minutes, I need to talk to you about something."  He says "Yeah, in a minute".  He doesn't feel well, so he decides not to go at all and she comes back in and says "Can you come here!?  I need to talk to you about something."  He says "No, grandma, I don't feel good.  Is it important?"  She yells "Just come here!"  And he says "Go ask my brother if it's important.  I don't feel good."  Mind, you, he's not 10 years old, he's 24.  He's a grown ass man who is stating he doesn't feel good.  And she literally screams back "I DON'T FEEL GOOD EITHER!!!"  He responds "So go ask my brother!"  She screams "FINE!!" and slams the door and goes back outside

We get home shortly later and my son says "Can you go see what Grandma needs?  I don't feel good."  I said okay.  I knew he didn't feel well before we left.  So I said "Ma, what did you need?"  She says "Oh, chicken jumped up on the gate and then she decided to go back into the pen on her own."  I said "Oh, okay."  Then she says "Listen, if you're going to put up something on the fence, I was thinking...(oh, my mother and her "I was thinking" routine....it's always something).  I was thinking that you should attach it to the gate and not the top of the fence, that way you don't hit your head."  

Now, let me tell you, this is not how she explained any of this to me.  She has moderate dementia and her words were all jumbled and crazy and I had to keep making her repeat things so I could understand her.  Because I had zero clue what in the heck she was talking about.  And so far, her dementia does not affect her behavior.  It affects her ability to communicate and her understanding of things.  Her tantrums are 100% still her narcissism.  Because they are always the same, and aren't out of the blue or different or worse or anything.  Just exactly the same as she always has been.  

So, I look at her and say "I know mom, I was already going to do that."  She gets all annoyed "No, no!  I mean on the gate part!!"  I said "I know.  That was my plan the entire time.  In fact, I was going to chicken wire that part up before I did the rest, but they ended up jumping over the fence, so I had to do that first.  But yes, I would never chicken wire the top, because we'd all have to duck to go in."  She kept saying "No!  I mean this!"  She could not understand me.  Either that, or she was annoyed I already had the idea she thought was so fucking brilliant.  And I say that because....

That's the fucking thing she wanted my son to truck his ass all the way outside to just to listen her to say, rather than just tell him in the house.  That's why she got so angry.  She wanted my son to listen to her brilliant plan on where to place chicken wire, even though she could have told him indoors, where she already was to ask him to come outside to begin with.  Sigh.  

So I went back in, and he told me what happened, and then he gave me the green light on scolding her about it.  Because he was fucking PISSED.  And if you're in the UK, that means angry as fuck, not drunk.  Don't think my son was drunk and that's why he didn't feel well LOL  I do know people all over the world read this, so I don't want to give the wrong idea here.  

Anyways, he never gets angry at her like that.  And never ever enough to let me yell at her about it.  

So I said to her when she came in "And the next time you want my son to do something, and he can't do it for you, be nice to him about it."  She said "What?"  So I repeated myself.  And then she started lying.  "I was freaked out about the chicken!  That's why I was mad!"  I said "No you were not, because he was going to come out when you were actually freaking out about the chicken and you said "never mind".  You wanted to tell him about the chicken wire and he didn't feel good and you got mad at him.  You need to treat the people in this house better if you want them continue to have anything to do with you."  

And out comes the old narcissistic bullshit-ass response she always gives "I guess I just won't say anything at all anymore."  

So I also got PISSED and screamed "NO!  You do not get to brush this off with that stupid answer!  I am just asking you to be nicer and give people more respect, that's all!  Just be nice!!"  

So she repeated herself "I guess I just won't say anything anymore."  And then she shut her door on me.  

And then I became full of rage.  "THANK YOU OH SO VERY MUCH FOR NOT ACTUALLY RESPONDING TO SOMETHING I SAY LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO!!  LIKE A LITTLE CHILD!!"  And then the rage flowed out my body into my words as I added "YOU SURE KNEW NOT TO TALK TO HIM LIKE THAT WHEN I AM HOME BECAUSE YOU FUCKING KNOW BETTER THAN THAT, DON'T YOU??!!  SUCH A MANIPULATIVE THING TO DO WHEN YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH IT!!!"  

And then I said real loudly to nobody but to anyone who could hear me "I just want to punch her in the face!!"  

I giggle, because I'd never punch her in the face.  I slapped her once.  I can tell you the exact date, too: May 16, 2006.  I know, because of what that day means in my life and I slapped her only because she had just slapped me.  She was drunk off her ass, accusing me of being a child molester because I slept next to my two sons, aged 4 and 8 at the time.  She thought that all adults who sleep next to their children of the opposite sex molest their kids (I had never known she even thought that until that day).  Obviously she has some trauma with that, and most likely was molested herself (my grandfather was a fucking creep with little girls, as was his son).  So I took the plate I was loading into the dishwasher and slammed it down into the dishwasher hard and yelled "SHUT UP!!"  I had put up with her shit for long enough and I wanted her to stop being so fucking gross!  And she jumped up and slapped me.  So I immediately slapped her back.  And then started screaming like a wounded animal full of rage (which she was) and started chasing me to really hurt me, all the while screaming and growling "You hit your mother, you psycho!  What's wrong with you??!!  You hit your mother!!  How dare you!!!" As if her hitting me first hadn't just happened.  God, that was confusing.  And traumatic, because she was acting like a wild animal.  I ran and grabbed my kids and shoved us all into my car and locked the doors and called 911.  They didn't pick up, so I left.  Funny thing, there is a song that came on the radio with my first name in it when I turned on my car and me and my kids all started laughing.  That song was on the radio yesterday when all this was going down and I almost reminded her of it.  But I didn't.  Not yet.  

Anyways, thing is, what she originally said to my son was stupid, but not horrible.  But all the times that kept adding up and adding up and adding up lately of her talking to my oldest son like he's a piece of shit and I could never say anything to her about it, well let's just say that it felt GREAT to be able to yell at her.   But it was also infuriating that she refused to take responsibility for it and just sat there, lying to me about why she lost her temper.

Then we all stood in the kitchen making dinner.  I make three meals a day: one for mother, one for my kids and one for Mr. Brooks and I.  I make quick meals for mother.  I make keto meals for my kids.  And normal meals for us.  I usually cook their food at the same times as ours. But sometimes Mr. Brooks and I are tired, so we just order food.  

But as we're cooking, she comes sneaking in, as quiet as a ghost, and goes into the living room and starts whispering to my son.  My youngest son didn't want to listen to it, so he left and went to his room.  My oldest kept saying "No, you yelled at me because you wanted to tell me something and I wouldn't come, not because you were scared the chicken got out," and "I told you go to get my brother if it was important.  But it really wasn't important, was it?"  She refused to listen to him, and kept making excuses as to why she yelled at him.  Mostly it was "I am not so young anymore" and whatever else thing she could think of.  It was ridiculous.  She never took an ounce of responsibility for what she actually did.  

When this happens, and she doesn't shut her door on me, I will keep at her saying "All you have to say is 'I am sorry I lost my temper'.  That's it!"  She'd then come back at me some bullshit and I'd just repeat myself until she finally agrees.  But my oldest son didn't want to have to put up with having to yell at her or keep on her until she actually listened to him, so he gave up.  I don't blame him.  She'd tedious as hell.  

Then she came back into the kitchen to find me and I ran and hid from her, because I was still seething and she wouldn't have liked what I had to say to her.  So I hid and said nothing.  I was mad until I went to bed.  

Then, today (it's a new day now, as I didn't have time to finish this yesterday), she's said basically nothing to me.  And again, I don't blame her.  She's scared of my response.  Today, I am not angry, I just don't give a fuck.  I know there is nothing in this world that will change my mother, so I give up.  I'm going to concentrate on other things that are more important.  In actuality, I am excited to get started on some new projects, one being "No Spend September".  I have a lot of prep work to do beforehand, as well as prep work to get the garage and basement completely decluttered.  All of which I am stoked about.  Oh, we well as getting a new living room (my oldest son is installing a door so the animals cannot go in the living room unless we let them in there, which means we have can furniture again, hooray!!!--mother has a cat that RUINED all our old furniture, and we've been using outdoor chairs ever since--it looks like total shit).  So, I am stoked about much more important stuff than whether or not mother has a meltdown and takes responsibility for it or not.  She never will, so whatever.  Life moves on without her input or participation.  

So, that was a day.  

And today?  Was another fucking day.  And I thought yesterday was a day.  Good grief.  Though today it was 3 strangers who made our day special.  Yay.  But at least it wasn't mother.  

So that's a good thing, eh?  

Recently mother has been back to her old antics, downing everything I say, disagreeing with me just for the sake of disagreeing.  For one, I was excited my butternut squash plants are HUGE and are going to produce more squash than we can handle.  She said "You know what I like?  Spaghetti squash."  Because that's how she is.  And that's the ENTIRE reason I do not speak to her.  See, I get to a certain point that I start to feel guilty, so I include her in what's going on in my life for a moment.  And I always regret it.  It's just been so damn long I sort of forgot she's like this.  

What I should have said was "And this is why I don't tell you things.  I am excited about my squash and you have to go say you'd rather have something different.  As though what you think and feel is more important than everyone around you."  But she caught me by surprise.  So, per usual, I didn't say shit.  But I did say something the other day when she found out that my husband works first shift now.  He was working second shift for the past year so he could still take her to her appointments (plus, he got a night bonus, which was nice).  My oldest son once tried to tell her, and I shushed him and he got angry with me.  He thinks I'm always overreactive and stupid with her.  But I told him "Listen, the moment grandma finds out he's working first shift, she's going to obsess over her appointments and start making plans that she has no business making.  You know how she is."  But he still thinks I'm being dumb.  I just can't understand why he thinks he needs to share things with her, especially when it's not his business to do so.  I don't think he should tell her things about himself, but I really feel he has no right to share things about other people.  But he thinks I feel that I am the one in charge of that stuff for other people, but in reality, my husband feels the same way I do.  I am not speaking for him when I tell my son this stuff.  My husband has zero interest in my mother getting all obsessive about his business.  

But my son is young and is at that age that he thinks he knows everything (been there, done that).  And he's also at the age that he thinks his parents are idiots (even though, eventually, he always finds out that we're usually right LOL).  But not all the time, just sometimes.  He has ASD, as I do, so I forgive him of his behavior like this, as I know what it's like to have black and white thinking at times, too.  I just have to be calm and rational when I explain things to him, which helps him to understand where I am coming from easier. 

But then she learned about my hubby's hours and then started in on my son.  Because of course she did.

Her: "You NEED to be awake next week to take me!"  

Him: "Yes, your appointment as at 10."  

Her: "I go early.  Way earlier than 10."

Him: "Your doctor's office is right down the road, we'll get there at 9:50.  Don't worry.  I've never taken you late."  

Her: "No, I need to go earlier than that!!  Even Mr. Brooks knows to take me early!!  That way I can get in early!!" 

Him: "We will be there right before 10." 

Her: "Then I will just have Asshole or Christmas take me.  They'll get me there early!"  (Asshole is our old neighbor, the husband of one of her old posse members who passed away and who I think has a crush on my mother...gross...not to mention I hate him as he's a gigantic weirdo and asshole--but my mother loves a good asshole, so I get it).  

So, he comes and tells me everything she said.  She'd been getting on his case about random shit all week.  For no reason, other than he's her scapegoat and she must be agitated about something.  

So the next day she comes to me and says "You didn't have to reschedule my appointments!!  Your son can just take me!!"  I said "Well, you said you were going to have Asshole or Christmas take you instead."  "No, that was only if your son couldn't take me!"  I replied "No, you threatened that when he said he wouldn't take you at 9:30.  Your appointment is at 10, and nobody takes you that early to any appointment."  "No!  I said only if he couldn't take me!"  I replied "Well, you are not in charge of who takes you.  And besides, I had already rescheduled them all before you even talked to my son.  So it was already done.  So your conversation with him was pointless."  

"Well, I am not going in the afternoon!!"  She said this, knowing my husband is going to take her, because he's the ONLY person who takes her.  Which is because a) she will try to get my son to take her places she's not allowed to go, b) she will use her time alone with my son to be really mean to him, and c) my hubby is the only person she doesn't disrespect.  So, he's the only person who can ever take her anywhere, period.  Also, if my son takes her, I have to go, and the I have to be the one who goes in with her, which gives me wretched anxiety, which is why he started doing it to begin with, because my anxiety was out of control around her.  Also, then I have to deal with my son being crabby because she takes so long to do anything and he's not a patient waiter.  He used to be as a kid, though.  But age has made him less patient.  Which then also exacerbates my anxiety.  So, Mr. Brooks it is!

"You are going when I say you go.  I can't help when your appointments are."  Yes, I can, I make them.  But I always say this, to pawn off responsibility on the doctor's office instead of listening to her shit.  

"Then I am not going."  So, I replied "Okay, then you don't have any appointments coming up.  That frees up our time!  Plus, you have nothing to do, what does it matter what time they are?"  She says "Because I am too tired by then!"  I said "You sleep all times of the day.  You are too tired to go at 10am!  You are always napping!  So yeah, you'll be fine."  She had shut her door by then, but she heard me.  Her meds make her tired, so it really doesn't matter what time of day she goes.

And that, my son, is why we don't tell Grandma anything at all.  Good grief does she get obsessed with certain ideas and then will fight to the death with you about them, only to change her mind five minutes later.  She's legit insane.  

So, I combat her insanity by A) being grey rock with her and never sharing anything with her, ever.  B) telling her over and over "Don't worry, we'll figure it out" when I want to avoid getting into one of these stupid, stupid conversations with her.  She doesn't like it, but it works most of the time (though she always circles back to it later).  And C) being forceful with her in a way that lets her know she's not the boss of what's going on.  I know that sucks, but she has an obsession with being in control of everything, even other people, so when I take that power away, she backs down.  She has no choice. 

Today, though, she's been extra crazy.  Constantly asking me to do things for her, knocking on my door for silly reasons.  Maybe she's anxious?  She's obsessing about a leg x-ray she had a year ago, too.  She's just all over the place.  Driving me batty.  She's been like this all week, but today has been worse.  At least she's not as agitated.  But when the kids get up, maybe she will be.  Ugh. We'll see. 

So yes, it's been loads of fun lately.  Yippee.  I even dreamed about her being crazy last night and I had to scream at her to stop LOL  I can't even escape her when I sleep!  Dammit LOL 

Okay, time to go read my book in peace.  Maybe I'll get five minutes?  

Finally, our household seems to be, for the most part, totally better.  I never thought it would happen.  Have you ever felt so bad that you felt that it would never end?  I've felt that way with anxiety, depression, migraines, POTS, etc.  But this lasted for almost two weeks.  Though there were days I'd feel healthy, the next day always brought more unusual symptoms.  But now we've been almost a week with no symptoms and it's amazing!  

My mother still has a cough, but she's the only one. 

Things with ma are still irritating.  She never talks to me anymore unless she wants something.  I am not sure if her illnesses are causing it, her depression, her dementia, or if she's just given up on me.  She does seem to talk to the kids, but she has no idea how to talk to people without complaining or bitching or trying to control them.  She's recently taken to bitching at my son about letting out the chickens and saying they are "making so much noise".  Which is wholly untrue, as they are pretty silent until you let them out.  Also, she's hard of hearing, so what is she even hearing?  She's lying, and just wants something to bitch about.  He needs to stand up to her and tell her she's lying and straight up say "Hey, our chickens are none of your business".  But he's too nice to her for that.  Not that it's a bad thing, as I am glad he's nice to her, but she takes advantage of his niceness.  Because she's a lunatic.  Who the fuck takes advantage of niceness?  Oh yes, evil people do.  

Also, she keeps lying about stupid random things, but what else is new?  So, I correct her every time I hear a lie coming out of her mouth.  Oh, and she talked to my husband about her drinking again.  Good grief.  She knows better than to say it to me.  She knows I will just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh, right in her face.  Yes, a known alcoholic who physically attacked me while drunk (and so many other horrible things) I will let drink in my home.  I already purchase her fucking cigarettes.  She thinks I will buy her beer?  What a fantasy world she lives in.  But that's it, isn't it?  She strategically told my husband about it, knowing he will just ignore her, but also knowing he'll tell me about it.  She knows I will not let her drink, but she wanted to stir the pot and get me mad.  I mean, it only half worked.  I just thought it was funny.  

Her health is getting worse.  I am worried, but not as much about her.  She will be taken care of no matter what.  If she gets bad enough, she'll go in a home.  But that's what worries me.  I see her health taking a turn for the worse, and we're not making any extra money yet.  Good grief, I feel so overwhelmed.  I have a thousand things to do in order to start making money.  Well, not really, but I feel like if I don't do these things that need to get done and I do the things I need to do start making money, then I am failing somehow.  That my household chores are worth more than me working.  Why?  How stupid is that?  But also, I don't have room for some of the things I need to do until I can get some of those chores done.  And it's a LOT of work.  Have you ever felt like there is a wall standing between you and what you need or want to do?  Between the you now, and the you that you want to be?  And you feel like that wall is insurmountable or unbreakable in your current stand of mind?  I hate that feeling.  And I've felt that way for far too long.  Mel Robbins has it right, count to 5 and just do it.  Who cares if you feel like there is something blocking you.  If there were a real wall blocking you, would you just stand behind it and wait for it to crumble?  Or would you start climbing or using a pickaxe on it?  The only way to break a wall down is to start.  Just staring at it makes the wall feel bigger than it really is.  And that's my problem.  I just keep staring it.  

Here is my list of things to start making money: 

• My Store.  I am developing products (handmade clothes, handmade journals and junk journals, handmade clay fantasy sculptures, etc.) that I am pretty sure will sell easily.  These products are handmade, one-of-a-kind items that should easily sell for high prices (so I can make less, yet concentrate on the quality of each one).  My store is also unique in that it tells a story.  I am a writer, so I incorporate that into my site.  Also, I am an artistic photographer, so my product pictures will be high quality and artistic, to help tell the story.  I got the idea from this really awesome website that intrigued me.  So, I decided to do the same, yet my own way.  I am all about making everything your art, rather than just trying to sell a product.  I am also selling a story.  
• My Website (and corresponding etsy shop).  I sell digital products on my etsy shop for my other website.  
• My Kindle Fiction Writing.  This one is iffy.  But we'll see if our new line of books will sell.  I really hope so.  Both Mr. Brooks and I write fiction.  
• My Kindle Non-Fiction Writing.  I have a series of memoirs I need to edit and release.  Also, I have a few self-help books I need to release as well.  Again, book publishing is iffy, especially if you don't already have an audience.  
• My Books.  I make coloring books, guided journals, and things of the sort on Amazon.  I think they're pretty good, but I just need to get the word out.
• Selling Random Shit. I sell physical items on FB Marketplace.  This makes us almost no real money, but it does put money in our pockets when we need it.
• My Art.  I don't think this will bring any real money, but I want to start painting again. Mostly for me, but maybe some will be for sale eventually.