Hushed whispers and quiet words.  That's how you know mother is talking about you.  She wants you to know it, too.  She covers her mouth from the side, as though that lessens her volume or so you can't read her lips.  But it's all for show.  She wants you to wonder what she's saying.  And she wants you to know it's about you.  

And I always fell for it.  

As a kid, I became obsessed with listening to her talk shit about me to my father.  Whatever they'd be arguing about, things I have zero memory of, she'd always pull a 180 in the middle of it and start in about me.  That way it shifted father's attention from whatever he was angry about that she did, to something I supposedly did.  The thing is, I wasn't that bad of a kid.  I didn't get into trouble all the time or anything.  In reality, I'd say I was a quite good child.  I didn't always clean my room or do what I was told in the exact moment I was asked to do it, but what kid does?  I wasn't lazy, I just wasn't motivated.  I have ADHD (minus the hyperactivity), and ASD, so my mind was always elsewhere, on a myriad of subjects, all that interested me way more than cleaning up did.  I am still like that to this day LOL  But for some reason, even though that was pretty much the only thing I did wrong, she always had something about me to bitch at my father about.  I am am pretty sure that she made most of it up, whatever it was.  

One day, about a year ago or so, I said to my mother "Good parents do not always talk shit about their kids to their friends!"  She said "All the ones I know do!"  I laughed really hard and said "Yes, I know!  There isn't a single good parent among any of your friends or family!!"  All her friends/family members are either a) narcissists, b) reverse narcissists (meaning codependents that are actually narcissists), c) drug addicts and alcoholics and abusive.  She laughed in my face and rolled her eyes.  But the funny part is that she's so fucking stupid that she really believes that.  She believes that she and all her friends were actually good parents.  That is so pathetic.  And angering.  And just...defeating.  There is no resolution here.  There is no closure.  There never will be.  

Two nights ago, I had a dream.  I dreamed that my mother, younger and still smoking, was standing outside and making up some lies to me about why she needed something done that I was not going to do for her.  So I said she was a liar.  I got closer and closer and closer to her, yelling that she was a liar, over and over again, saying "All you do is lie!  That's all that ever comes out of your mouth!"  Until I got so close, I could see her skin clearly.  And all of a sudden, I wasn't me anymore.  I had lost my corporeal form and instead was everything, except her.  She closed her eyes slowly and froze in time.  So I just stared at her and said "This is MY dream, I can say whatever I like to you with no repercussions!"  But instead of laying into her, and telling her exactly what I thought of her, I just stared at her.  I studied her face.  The blue undertones in her skin.  The varicose veins around her nose.  Her blonde eyelashes.  I just kept looking at her  and looking at her, wondering what it was I was actually looking at.  Then I decided there was nothing to say, since none of it mattered anyways.  And then, just like that, POOF, I switched dreams.  I didn't want to bother with her anymore.  

There is a certain feeling of complete power when you have a lucid dream.  Especially one like that.

When I woke up, it felt like something had released in me.  A knot of sorts.  I am still angry and still annoyed with her, but something inside of me broke open.  Like, the wall that held in the part of me that keeps quiet every time she's rude.  Or some other wall.  I am not sure.  But yesterday, I rolled her a pack of cigarettes and she went to my son and complained that he rolled them too thinly, and I yelled from the kitchen while cooking dinner "YOU ARE WELCOME".  She then said "Well, I said I would roll them!"  (We recently bought a cigarette machine because it's a billion times cheaper than buying cartons, and now she's keeps calling it "hers" and saying she needs to keep it in her room, even though it's mine--I don't smoke, but that doesn't matter, it's not hers, since I paid for it).  I said again "YOU ARE WELCOME.  I am the one who rolled them for you, and you're welcome for doing so."  She always bitches about everything we do for her.  After I said that she got all flabbergasted and rude with me.  She even lied and told me that I said for her to tell my son thank you, and I said "No I did not."  That could be her dementia though, forgetting moments later what was actually said.  But still, I was standing up for myself and my family, so that she'll think twice next time about bitching about something we do for her.  From now on, I will say "YOU ARE WELCOME" whenever she complains. 

Today, someone from my cousin's house called at 6:30am.  I assume it was my aunt.  I listen to all of her calls.  Believe me, it's not because I want to, as it's horribly torturous to listen to crazy old people talk to each other.  I know it looks and sounds petty, but she hasn't earned the right of my trust, and never will.  Now, a parent doing this to a child, that's an invasion of privacy.  I would never do that to my kids.  Ever.  But my mother has dementia, and is a narcissist.  When we first moved in, I never once thought about doing that to her.  But after I found out that she was telling people I was holding her hostage and performing "elder abuse" on her by not letting her outside, not even in the front yard, I stopped trusting her completely.  At the time, we were in the beginning of lockdown, and she never would wash her hands or wear a mask, so no, I did not let her leave the house to go shopping (her favorite hobby).  But I did let her go for walks or do whatever she liked otherwise.  But she had her BFF believing that I was committing elder abuse, who almost called the police on me.  

I also found out she was plotting behind my back to do things she wasn't supposed to be doing, as well as trying to get people out here to do work that didn't need to be done that we could not afford.  It was insane.  Monitoring her calls kept my family safe from her, as well as kept her safe from herself.  

Nowadays, it's just a precaution, because she's notorious for being a good girl for a long time and then just snapping and starting up doing stupid things again.  But in the meantime, I am being tortured by listening to these calls.  Ugh.  My cousin, the one who started this blog off originally, never calls.  My mother hasn't heard from her in almost a year.  I love it.  It goes to show that the only reason my cousin had anything to do with her at all was for the gossip.  To her, from her, about her, etc.  My cousin is a HUGE narcissist, and has done everything in her power to fuck my life up.  But not without my mother's help.  So when we moved in here, all I could think about was their relationship, and how I couldn't stand that my mother would have anything to do with her after what she did to me.  But all my mother saw was that I had just come back from being 14 months no contact with her and my cousin jumped right in help her out.  Because of course she did.  She had nothing to do with her before that.  But the moment I was out of the picture, BAM!  Cousin to the rescue!  What a great racket.  God, after I left, so many, many people came out of the woodworks to step in and take advantage of my mother.  And she thought that they were all being nice to her.  And that's not her dementia, either.  That's her narcissism.  

Now that I am back, everyone left.  Some, because I made them leave (like I changed the telephone number in her address book of the woman my mother replaced me with, someone she hated before, so my mother couldn't contact her anymore--she was married to a drug dealer, so they were bad news and should have never been in her life to begin with), but most left on their own.  Leaving my mother all alone, with me.  Yay.  Her BFF Christmas stayed.  And a couple more of her friends, one who uses her to bitch about her life to and the other one keeps getting more and more distant, as my mother's dementia makes it hard for them to talk to her anymore (what a good friend, eh?).  

She has nobody left to whisper to.  

Except Christmas.  Which she did the other day.  So, I immediately called Christmas after she got home and got her talking about my mother to see if she'd share what they were talking about outside by C's car, but apparently it was nothing.  Or, if it was something, she just didn't tell me.  I could care less if she was talking shit, what I care about is the safety of my family.  And if she's planning something behind my back again.  But I don't think she was.  She was just smoking.  So much so, it made Christmas sick.  

I also told C to call me before she comes over, because she keeps showing up without calling and nobody knows she's even here.  Because, duh.  Who shows up at a friend's house across town without calling?  We used to share an alley, so that was a different circumstance.  But now there's pricey gas involved.  I know C is losing it, too.  I am not sure she should be driving.  But she's not my mother, so what can I do?  

That dream I had felt powerful.  Like, in a way that I should make it mean something.  I should learn from it.  I should change how I deal with my stress from my mother because of it.  Easier said than done, but I will try to keep it in my mind when I am spinning out thinking about something stupid she did or said.  Like her always (in the past) talking shit about me to others.  "Why even care about it?  It doesn't even matter in the grand scheme of things."  Like I said, easier said than done.

I am on my way to developing a program for healing from parental narcissistic abuse.  I hope one day I will be able to put it into use and help people.  But we'll see.  My ADHD brain is my biggest blocker to getting anything done.  As is my horrible imposter syndrome.  But hey, maybe my program can help fix that?  Who knows?