Back in the day, my mother said some cryptic shit to her BFF Christmas (and all our neighbors) that I was bipolar (because her therapist said I was, even though she'd never met me).  And that I would "never get diagnosed because if they told me I was bipolar, I would just get up and walk out".  

I was so confused by that last statement, as I've never gotten up and walked out of a conversation with anyone when it gets too hard (except with my oldest son, but he's got ASD and used to have ODD because of it, and when things would get too heated, I was told I needed to walk out so my son could build the tools to calm down without intervention, but that was strategic and not emotional on my part, and my mother had no idea anything about that).  And, not to mention, how would my mother even for one freaking second know how I am when I am in therapy with my therapist??  That cracks me up, because even when I've had shitty therapists, I've never gotten angry in the middle of a session.  Ever.  That's not how I am.  I may get angry later, but never during.  So, she just made it up as a way to say "Look, my daughter is one crazy bitch, so crazy in fact, that nobody is allowed to even tell her how crazy she is!!"  This was right after I came back into her life (unwillingly) after going no contact for fourteen months in 2018.

What she doesn't understand is that being bipolar isn't being crazy, it's a horrible mental illness to suffer from.  And I think my mother has it.  Not full blown, but more of a dysthymia/cyclothymia disorder.  Because she goes through these mood swings, constant and yet erratic, and she has her entire life.  It was worse before she got on the right meds, but it's still there.  And yesterday, she was on another upswing, constantly talking, sometimes to the point of making no sense (possibly dementia related, the not making sense part), just to hear herself make noise, like a motor.  And then she admitted that she hasn't been able to sleep lately.  Which really sends my alarms off, because just being hyper isn't necessarily mania (or hypomania).  Even though the way she used to get hyper really seemed like it was (the spending sprees, the giving money out to everyone to point of not being able to pay her bills, the super hyper behavior, the manic cleaning, the "I love everyone!" attitude--which was always followed eventually by the "I HATE EVERYONE!" attitude--the highs were always followed by the angry, bitter lows, sometimes I could see the switch happen right in front of me), she's better now, and her mood swings are WAY less pronounced, but then again, she's on some of the right meds.  But add that to the no sleeping part?  And that's way more of a red flag to keep an eye on.  As hypomania can lead to REAL mania, if left untreated.

Being bipolar (or similar) AND having NPD?  Man, that makes for some really bad choices, which she's made in her life, especially after coming down after a high episode.  

Yesterday, every single thing I did, she kept telling me what to do or commenting on.  She did this to my husband and kids, too.  She also kept talking about going shopping, which is what she does when she's on an upswing (or rather, used to).  She knew damn well how busy we were, but she's been following us around, jabbing our ears off, randomly cleaning her closet and drawers (again), asking for money, asking to go shopping, even though here we are, trying to save our belongings from getting ruined in the flood in our basement, as well as stopping the growth of mold, moving all our shit to a storage unit, etc. and she thinks I'm going to stop everything we're doing just take her shopping somewhere stupid for something she doesn't need.  Which is fine, normally, as we all sometimes just want to go buy things we don't need.  But she knew we were busy.  And when she has an upswing, she gets preoccupied with spending money.  So it didn't matter we were busy.  It didn't matter it was and is still somewhat of an emergency.  What matters is that mother is hyper and wants to buy things.  And she wants to clean everything that isn't dirty, run her mouth, get involved in everything that has nothing to do with her, boss around everyone, control whatever is going on, do shit she's not supposed to be doing, and not sleep.

And I can't say it's dementia related, as she's always been like this.  And when she's not like this, she's depressed, even though they keep changing and upping her meds.  So, I really really wonder if this is also a type of bipolar.  But it's manageable and she's not hurting herself or others, so that's a good thing.  And her doctors are all in the know about her depression, which again, waxes and wanes.  But this not sleeping thing I need to keep an eye on.  I am not sure if it's related to her hyperness or maybe it's due to something else (she's gone through periods of not sleeping before).  But either way, I need to keep on her to ask her about how well she's sleeping at night.  

Well, time to go fill up our garbage can again.  They just took it and now we have so much more (we're purging our house of stuff).  I may even have to call for another pickup this week.  We'll see.  

Ugh, I hate being sick and doing work.  But at least I can do it.  If my POTS start acting up, then I can't do anything at all.  So it's better to work with a cold than to not work with no cold and have a POTS flareup.  Yeah, I am not making any sense, am I?  I just need to get this shit done (the link to the post about this is above).  I am excited to have a purpose and a goal to be moving towards again.