He was my little guy.  As he grew up, we grew apart, but I remember the little boy he once was and how silly and fun and sweet he was.  Hyper as hell!  He was also so freaking funny.  But he didn't die.  But the boy I once knew is gone.  I had wondered why he hadn't participated in family gatherings for so long.  Now I know: he was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic.  To the point that he's moved away from everyone and lives his own life, in his own misery and mysterious rantings on social media.  I tried to reach out to him a few years ago.  But something seemed off.  I had no idea what was going on.  And now I do.  And it breaks my fucking heart.  

I hate his mother.  It's safe to say that "hate" is the correct word here.  She's one of the worst narcissists I've ever met.  And she's the reason my family stopped talking to me (though I'm glad that happened).  But no mother deserves that.  No mother deserves both her first born and her last born (she has three children) to be so mentally ill that they may die before her.  Her youngest is bipolar with horrible suicidal ideation and now her oldest hears voices that tell him to jump off of "the highest place he can find".  I know she must be a horrible mom, as what narcissist mother isn't?  I think she may have gave up on her oldest, as she seems to have nothing to do with him and hasn't for years.  But still. 

But most of all, he deserves better.  See, my aunt, my cousin's mother's mother, is both bipolar and paranoid schizophrenic.  And she passed it down to two of her grandkids, both who are siblings.  And her grandson, the man I am talking about here, also inherited his mother's father's Type 1 diabetes in childhood.  That kid has had nothing but bullshit his entire life.  I want to take him and his sister and just hug them both until they feel loved and cared for and until my love fixes them.  I know that's not something that would help.  But still.  If I had a superpower, that's what I'd pick.  I'd hug the fuck out of people until they felt loved and it cured their depression and other mental illnesses and physical illnesses.  I wish love could do that.  I wish love could cure everything.  I wish my love could cure everything.  If so, I'd spend my entire life giving it out every second of the day.  I already meditate on that on most days.  So much so I have to detach myself from it all otherwise I feel too damn much and it overwhelms and overpowers me, which can lead me into a feeling of horrible dread and anxiety (if I were a superhero, maybe my life could cure my mental illnesses, too?).

I have two kids, and they both inherited my and my ex's ASD, and my birthfather has paranoid personality disorder and I had no idea until a few years ago who he even was.  I can only hope I didn't pass that down to my kids from him.  But at least they don't hear voices that tell them to kill themselves.  Fuck.  I wish there was a cure for that shit.  They have recently figured out how to program cells to keep them from aging (trippy, I know!), so maybe they can figure this out, too?  I hope so.  

But until then, I am finding a way to come to terms with the loss of ever being able to have a relationship with him again (I've tried, he's very reclusive).  I had this stupid idea that he and I and my oldest cousin were all scapegoats and we'd one day band together and be our own little family or at least write to each other and whatnot.  But now I know that will never happen.  

I think I may contact his father to see if anyone is keeping tabs on him and getting him help.  

And even though our oldest cousin doesn't respond to me, I still still send him birthday cards.  I know he's in the same boat as me (to a point).  So I don't want him to ever think that he's totally forgotten about in this family, even though I have been (which is fine by me LOL).  Speaking of that, I need to go buy him one today.  I can't fix what's gone wrong with my family, but I can let the ones who deserve it know I am thinking of them.  You only live once, right?  So all I can do is try.  

I won't give up on my cousin's son, either.  I will do whatever I can to make sure someone is looking in on him and helping him.  

I just wish I'd known about this before now.  It's so freaking heartbreaking.  I remember when she found out she was pregnant with him.  I remember him as a baby and as a little boy who once ran into a woman's bent over ass, face first, running away from me laughing like a manic in a store.  It was the funniest day ever.  It's not fair the way our brains break apart sometimes.  It's not fair that we don't get to know this about ourselves ahead of time.  I am so sorry J.  I wish I could heal you <3