My mother has a HUGE issue with being told no.  She also has huge issues with boundaries and following rules, too.  So, as I said in my last post, we bought a cigarette roller to make her cigarettes as a way to save money instead of buying her cartons.  Everyday, I, or one of my kids, roll her a pack.  And she keeps getting on our asses about rolling them herself, and keeping the machine in her room.  We let her roll some, but the issue is is that the machine needs frequent oiling, as well as the actual papers are super delicate.  She has dementia and forgets things all the time.  So I am not having my money go down the drain with her forgetting and leaving the papers out to get destroyed by her cats or whatever else silly thing that could happen.  So she asked me for the machine to put in her room and I said no.  End of story, right?  

Well, yesterday, she said "Oh, I cleaned out a drawer in my room to put the cigarette machine in!"  I said "Why?  I already told you no."  The other day she asked for the machine and said "Can you give me MY cigarette machine, please?"  I was like you didn't pay for it, so why is it yours?  But I didn't say that, I just said no.  I'll roll them myself.  So this time, I was like well, I'm going to take the opening to state whose machine it is.  So I said "It stays in my room because it's mine."  She said "Oh, well you do that then."  And then she went into her room.  Again, no thank you for rolling her a pack of cigarettes (though, I don't honestly care, I only care because she'll bitch about the things I do for her, but never says thank you--though that's not 100% true, she sometimes says thank you, but usually doesn't).

I am not trying to play games here.  I am not trying to control her.  But this shouldn't even be an issue, as I bought it and it was our idea, so her claiming ownership over something that clearly isn't hers is just dumb.  I don't even know why I care.  Or why I'm even blogging about it.  But I write these things down so I later can remember and don't get duped into believing she isn't as bad I am making her out to be at whatever point in the future.  I write so I can remember.  We all know how narcissists love to rewrite history and make us question our truths.  This blog is the only reason that doesn't happen to me anymore.  Her BFF Christmas once told me something that didn't ring quite right in my head, so I looked it up on this blog and I was right.  She was saying she didn't say something and blamed it all on their mutual friend who had passed away.  Turns out, Christmas was just as guilty as that friend was.  

I write, so I don't have to remember.  Because memory is flawed.  We can't always trust it.  I know I can't trust my own memory much of the time.  

In other news, she took the garbage cans in two weeks ago, even after an entire year of not doing it, knowing she isn't allowed.  I hate that.  I hate that I can make a rule, and then I have to fight tooth and nail for her to follow it, and then when it finally takes, she will just revert back at any time.  This is why I cannot trust her and I have to stay vigilant, which is tiring as fuck.  She's a tricky little dick.  And I should just let things go, but if I let her start taking in the cans, she'll start getting the mail, and we can't have that.  There are too many things in the mail she will either steal (she's notorious for stealing people's mail), buy, or inquire about buying.  And, much of what is being sent to us is none of her business.  So she's not allowed to get the mail, ever.  But the garbage cans are right by the mailbox, so I have to stop that so the other doesn't happen.  If she'd only just freaking listen.  

Do you know what ODD is?  Oppositional defiance disorder?  My mother has that 100%.  And this is what it looks like when a 75 year old woman has ODD.  She pushes against authority, me and her doctors orders, any time she possibly can.  It's ridiculous to see a old lady act like that.  It's pathetic.  And sad.  And kind of funny to think about.  I mean, she thinks she's so badass, but on the outside she looks like a total jackoff.  It's ridiculous.  And the thing is, while I do not say that out loud, nor would I ever (because I am not into making people feel bad about themselves), I do show it in my actions.  I don't let her get away with lying, bossing people around, being controlling, or being rude anymore.  I point it out to her every single time (mostly), and she knows that I know that she knows that I know.  

via GIPHY

Deep down, she knows I know the truth about her.  That the jig is up.  No more "Bossy Grandma".  She tries, because that's all she knows, but she always fails, one way or another.  Deep down, she knows I see her shame.  And she does not like being exposed like that.  She HATES being vulnerable.  So this has completely changed her demeanor, for the most part.  She can't help getting her digs in where she can, but most of the time she just pretends like we all aren't there.  With her, it's either all or absolutely nothing.  Either she gets the entire cake, or she pretends like the cake never existed in the first place.  So that means either she has all the control, or I do.  Because if she gets a little, she will try to take it all.  Which is what the issue is with the cigarette machine and why I cannot let her have it.  If she gets it, she gets free reign to up her smoking game 1000% and that will force me to go back to paying almost $200 a month or more for her smoking.  If I keep it, I can make sure she stays well within the pack a day area, and eventually maybe less.  

I am not trying to control her as much as I am trying to not let her control our finances with her ridiculous spending habits.  Before I took control of all the finances, she was spending so much of her money that she almost could not afford to help pay bills.  And her spending was on trivial bullshit that she didn't need, with some of it being crazy things like glasses for use with computer screens, random ass medicine she wasn't allowed to take, exercise machines she didn't use, etc.  I do think my mom is a little bipolar, or at least has a little bit of hypomania, which caused her to act erratic and spend too much money, and go into rages where she'd throw everything around in her house when she couldn't find things.  She is better now, but still has issues with this, just lesser so.  

I am just looking forward to the day....actually, I don't even know what I am looking forward to anymore.  I know that "this is a season, not a lifetime", this living with her and being where we are in life.  But I feel like my whole life is living in "seasons" created by other people.  My parents, my ex, other people....that we just keep moving from one season to the next.  Is that was life is?  If so, how the hell are we supposed to thrive?  

Again, like I said last time, I am working on a program.  So maybe that's how I'll thrive?  I hope so.  Because I am just so tired.  I need to find my mojo because I can feel depression creeping in again.  Ugh.