I warned her not to do it.  I said "Do not cut your hair, don't even try it!  I will do it whenever you like."  Of course she never asks me, because that would mean she needs me.  She wants to make me fix it when she messes it up.  So then it's my choice anymore.  I will feel obligated to fix her mistakes.  Funny thing is, I didn't last time and I won't this time, either.  I warned her.  She did not listen.  So she has to live with the consequences.  I did have a haircut in mind for her, as she looks like a crazy person with long hair.  I was going to give her a cute wedge style cut.  But now I am not going to do anything until she needs it cut again. 

The reason she cuts it herself is that I ONLY cut my own hair.  I never go and get it done because nobody does it the way I like.  I also cut my hubby's and kids' hair, too.  She feels as thought she is the hairdresser in the family, even though she hasn't done hair in more than 20 years.  But she thinks she can still do it.  On top of that, she thinks that if I can cut my own hair she can cut her own hair, too.  Most people, hairdressers or not, cannot cut their own hair.  I can because a) I've practiced for a billion years to get good at it and b) I don't care if I fuck it up, I'll just fix it.  She can't fix her hair, so I am always stuck fixing it.  She used to go get it done, but she sees me doing mine myself and she thinks she's better than me (even though she really knows she's not--she's got a really bad tremor and dementia).  It's pride.  Which is the downfall of the narcissist.  Anyone who refuses to accept the reality of aging?  Is a narcissist, plain and simple.  "I can still do this thing I've always done!!" even though they can't, not even a little bit (like my mother and driving--which I do not allow her to do).  

Also, I will be on crutches for at least two weeks, if not longer.  The tears in my left heel are getting so bad that I can barely walk anymore without screaming out in pain, so I have to give it time to heal.  I also have a boot to wear if I need to.  Fun.  But it's better than being in pain.  Though I do not want to explain to my mother why I am on crutches as it's none of her business.  We'll see how I can get around that.  

Recently, mother has taken to screaming at me the moment I wake up to go pee in the morning, sometimes as early as 6 or 7.  She knows damn well I am not awake yet, but she insists on screaming out my name over and over again to ask me questions or ask for favors, or to ask me to buy her stuff.  It's like, why can't she wait until I am fully awake?  But I really think that is a dementia thing more than anything else.  Today, she woke up me at 6:30 am and I've been awake ever since, feeling like total crap.  Ugh.  I need to be upfront with her and tell her to shush until I am actually up for the day.  

Well, that's about it.  Pretty boring this week so far.  At least the wind has died down up here.  I think it lasted for an entire week!  I looked outside and it felt like I was playing Stardew Valley!  Which was pretty cool, but made it so I could not put up Halloween decorations until now.  Oh well, at least they'll be up in time for Halloween :)  

Okay, off to bed.  I hope I'll be able to sleep.  

Nobody ever tells me anything.  Granted, I am not anyone's number one person in these situations.  But it feels as though I am nowhere on anyone's list.  But then again, I guess that's my own fault, as I removed most people from my life many years ago.  But this particular person, I reconnected with a few years ago.  I would think that would maybe be a reason someone should have contacted me to tell me about this.  But again, that feels horribly selfish, considering what happened.  

Okay, so I had this best friend when I was in 9th grade.  She was in 10th grade and then we started hanging out, and she introduced me to all her cousins.  And she had a LOT.  One of them was my old friend from second grade who ended up becoming one of the closest friends I ever had.  Granted, she was a raging narcissist, something I had no idea about at the time.  As adults, this BFF of mine told my soon-to-be-husband's family that the baby I was carry was not his.  This almost ruined my life, and did ruin the life of my children, up until this day (though most of that is my in-laws' problem, not hers, but she started it).  Anyways, I stopped being friends with her because of that and lost contact with all the cousins.  

But then my old best friend, that crazy bitch's cousin, the one I was BFF's with in 9th grade, where this all started, contacted me and asked us to go play board games at this dude's house.  The dude was her sister's boyfriend, and even after the sister and him broke up, we stayed playing with him for a couple of years.  I pushed to be friends with my old friend again, but once her sister dumped him, she stopped showing up.  She was married to this great guy (or seemed like a great guy) name K, but they divorced.  When I asked why, she was odd about it and never explained it to me.  She tried to get me to work for her, but when I said I wasn't interested, she stopped all contact with me.  

In high school though, we were all good friends and partied together and had so much fun.  She ended up pregnant before any of us and I was there right after her first was born (and her second!).  I saw both of these little babies in the hospital and her oldest became my little buddy and I adored him.  As an adult, I found out her son grew up even more awesome and was kind and sweet and nice and good.  Her youngest had horrible anger issues, and was born with intermittent explosive disorder, which made her life pretty difficult.  I didn't get to know him much as a child, as both boys got taken away from her and put in the care of their very abusive father.  How that happened?  I have no fucking clue, as it takes a LOT in our town to have your children taken away from you as a mother.  For all I know, she gave them up (there was talk of neglect back in the day, some of which I witnessed myself).  My own sister gave up her children, all three, just so she could go have a new baby with another guy.  So, it does happen.

But she got custody back after proving the father was abusive, and that's when all broke loose with her youngest.  But the oldest adjusted nicely and even was honorably discharged from the military after his service was over.  But in 2019 he died.  

And nobody fucking told me.  

Not even any of the cousins or her sister.  I've run into these people a billion times since 2019.  And not one fucking word.  Did they goddamned forget??  

As for my old friend, she's on social media posting pictures of herself all the time, looking happy and trying to be sexy.  Now, it's not my business how someone grieves, but what the fuck?  There's pics of her oldest son, but not a single one of her youngest.  Wow, that sounds familiar, doesn't it?  Just because he has emotional difficulties doesn't mean he's not her fucking kid.  

I am trying REALLY hard not to hate her right now.  But I do.  She left that kid to ROT with her ex and the only reason she got him back?  Was because his brother saved him.  He wanted to live with his dad, but she KNEW he was a horrible man who hurt her kids and let him stay anyways.  

The wind is so insane right now outside that I feel it's matching how I feel inside.  The rage I feel that little J is dead and that his brother had to have the life he did due to his mother's horrible mistakes.  I married an asshole, too, but protecting my kids was my NUMBER ONE priority!  Why wasn't it hers?  And why did her son have to die not having his mother for his entire life??  Why does this this happen??  

I know, I know, we're not all equipped with the skills to be parents.  I get it.  But god damn.  He was twenty fucking two years old.  He deserved better than that.  So did/does his brother.  

I think I will have a private Samhain service for him.  Yes, I know, I am an atheist, but we still need ritual, too.  

I need to go decompress now.  It's after midnight.  I will put on Friends until I feel better.  

Sigh.  

This week I've rehomed 5 chickens (which was traumatizing, for both me and them LMAO), and spent a gigantic chunk of money on Halloween decorations.  It's hard when you start from nothing, after having a LOT, and try to work your way back up to where you used to be.  I will never be there, as we had a MASSIVE amount of Halloween decor, due to my uncle passing away and giving me all of his stuff.  But one day, I decided to be more "minimalistic" and get rid of it all.  What was I thinking?  Oh well.  Sometimes you have to start new so you can build new memories instead of holding onto the same 'ol stuff forever.  

I will say one thing: its anxiety inducing.  I want things to be perfect, but they never will be, at least not until I get into a groove.  And there is no "groove" your first time at anything.  Which is what gives me anxiety.  

Today I'm going to stuff dummies full of balloons.  Or at least try on one and save the rest of this weekend (I don't want them to pop).  And try out my new microUSB-to-HDMI cable on our projector to see if I can stream videos from my old phone instead of my computer (update: this does NOT work, you need a microUSB HDMI converter, not an HDMI cord--you need the kind you have to plug the HDMI cord into--which I ordered).  Our garage door is a perfect place for putting up spooky YouTube Halloween videos.  It's been SO freaking windy up here that we can't put out anything until almost Halloween, too.   It's very annoying.  I am also going to finish painting my "freaky dolls" that I just got from the Salvation Army to look like zombies and witches.  

Also, I have a migraine.  But I don't care.  It's a GORGEOUS day out today, perfect weather, so I will take some Tylenol and be done with it LOL  

Also, I am going to build a chicken coop in my garage for the winter.  So that will be fun.  Ugh.  Well, it will be when it's done.  

So much to do.  So little time.  I am just taking it all step by step and trying not to get too anxious or worked up about getting it all done.  Once Halloween is over, it won't matter anymore LOL  Though this year is the FIRST year we've been able to buy FULL-SIZED candy bars.  So that's exciting.  I just want our house to look awesome enough to match our awesome candy bars LOL  

On the mom/childhood trauma front, I've been working through some stuff.  I've come across something that has really pushed me to realize that I most likely was sexually molested.  We've also come across several things that point to the fact that my husband was most likely also sexually molested, not only by his narcissistic mother, but also his narcissistic brother.  Who my perpetrator is/was, is still something I need to remember.  But I am going to work on that again (I used to actively work on remembering this, and I would have dreams every single night about it) and see what I can find out.  

But for now, I am just trying to get things I need done.  It's been hard.  I have REALLY poor executive functioning issues, so it's so hard to find the energy (on top of having POTS and whatnot).  Also, my pain is flaring up again.  Which sucks.  This means every time I do anything, I am in so much pain I can't move.  I've been dizzy too.  I guess I am just having a POTS flareup.  Why now, I don't know.  But that's just the way it is.  

We may keep 4-5 chickens.  I am going to build their indoor coop and see how many will fit.  If I have to build two, I just may.  I am going to keep them in my garage all winter, as it's too cold to truck my ass out there each day to clean their coops, feed them, water them, and get their eggs.  After Halloween, that's what I'll be working on (at the same time, cleaning out the garage).  So, every day is a fucking party over here.  I am overwhelmed most days.  Mostly because I have very needy dogs, two of which are SENILE AS FUCK, and one is a puppy who is a nuisance who screams all the time (beagle screams).  I feel like my sanity is being sucked away by dogs LMAO  

Sigh.  Deep breaths.  Just relax.  

Okay.  Time to go finish cleaning.  

My son turned 21 yesterday.  It was low-key as there isn't much to do in our town, especially during the day.   We had plans to go to the huge arcade in town, but as it turns out, their "packages" don't start until 4pm.  And at 4pm on a Friday, it will be packed.  So we decided to wait until Tuesday to go.  Though, before we knew that, we were getting ready to go and my mother said to me "I hope you're not getting ready to go eat without me.  I mean it's his 21st and I don't want to miss it and I was thinking"...good god, no..."that it's Friday night so everyone has a good fish fry!!  And..." here it goes, per usual..."Alpine End restaurant has a great one!"  

Alpine's End is a tiny little...not a cafe, really, but more like a diner.  And it's my mother's favorite place to go.  When she goes there, she always get's the chopped steak.  Which is literally a fucking hamburger without a bun, and treated as though it's a steak.  I mean, it's good, but you can make it at home for 1/4th the freaking price.  So let me tell you a story about this place and why I hate it.  

For one, it's stupid.  It's a dinky little hole in the wall, that you only go to when you don't want to cook at home.  It's cheap, semi-home cooked style food.  Though it's not as cheap as making it yourself.  Which is what this place is: full of food you can easily cook yourself.  But, that's not really why I don't like it.  I don't like it because of my mother's penchant for going there on people's birthdays.  And I mean, everyone's, not just hers.  Because, see, my mother used to have a ritual of taking people out for their birthdays.  She would do the same thing each time: 

1. A few weeks before, ask you where you want to go for your birthday to eat. 
2. Get you riled up to go to your chosen place, by talking about how cool it sounds.
3. A week before your birthday, she'll start in on how it'll be too expensive/too hard/too complicated. etc.  to go to your chosen place.  
4. A day before or day of your birthday, she will decide that we are all going to Alpine End, because it's just "easier".  

but it does.  I don't know why.  I kept trying to say "Shay, what does this even matter?  She isn't anyone to you for you to be triggered by this," but it's not working.  Because I keep thinking about it.  I think it's because she's on a kick to keep telling me over and over again that "what you do is not good enough for me".  Today she says "Don't buy me McDonald's again".  Meaning, it made her sick.  It's not like said "Oh, I can't eat that anymore," it was YOU don't buy that for me, as though what I did made her sick.  On Sunday, I got her a breakfast of eggs, biscuit, sausage, and a hashbrown.  And something in it made her sick.  Even though I feed her all of those things and none of them make her sick.  I am not sure if she's lying, or if she just had a spaz attack, as I do, with IBS.  Meaning, it could be any food at all, if our intestines want to be sick, they will be sick.  And I wouldn't take it personally, if she hadn't already had her meltdown and gave me a laundry list of things I am doing wrong.  But that's not even what's bothering me (even though that added to it).  It was something so stupid she did yesterday.

So, yesterday she comes up to me and says "See, look!" and shows me a cigarette she packed down and there was only half of the tobacco in it.  Meaning, once again, she's bitching that I pack then too light.  But she only had ONE that was like that.  So the other 17 must have been fine (remember, I cut her cigs down by one a month, right now she's on 18).  So ONE cigarette out of her entire pack was packed too light?  Oh fucking well.  She said "I'll just leave that here for you."  I said "Why?  What will I do with it?  It's not like I can repack it.  You're going to have to smoke it like that.  Just tear the paper off the empty half."  Oh that made her angry and she got all huffy and said "Fine.  Whatever."  But here's the deal: the next time she bitches, moans, or complains about this issue, I am not going to defend myself and say, once again, "Look, the machine doesn't always pack them tightly, I do my best, so this is the way it's going to be when you have a person making them for you, rather than buying them."  I could say that.  But I don't fucking want to.  What I want to say, and what I will say, is: "Cigarettes are poison.  You are poisoning yourself.  And you expect me to care that I am messing up something you're poisoning yourself with?  Really?  Why should I care about that?  You either take what you get, as I've explained to you that I do my best stuffing those little fuckers as best I can, or you get nothing.  Kapeesh?"  And if she protests, I will say "I AM SICK OF YOUR COMPLAINING.  SAY THANK YOU OR YOU GET NOTHING."  And I will repeat that until she agrees.  Then I will walk away.  See, I've keep telling her that the machine doesn't always pack then tight.  And that I pack them as tight as I can without breaking the machine.  But she doesn't give a shit.  She only complains that they aren't perfect.  So I am done listening to her complaining.  Stop being such a negative nelly, mother!  It's rude and annoying!  

Then yesterday and today she asked me for crackers.  She eats saltines like they are going out of business (and yet her blood sugar readings and A1C remain perfectly fine, go figure).  But I haven't been shopping yet, as it wasn't payday.  "Sorry, no, I don't have any," I replied.  She responded all rejectedly and said "Okay, I guess so," and stomped off to her room.  So I went into my own stash and gave her a tube of Ritz.  I didn't have to, as I don't eat them the way she does (not food shaming her here, but she eats WAY too many crackers), and I keep mine for a long time, which makes them economical for me to buy.  But I was being nice.  Today, she asked "Do you have any more of those crackers?"  Good grief, I just gave her a pack yesterday!  I said no, even though I did have some, but it's not fair she's going to eat all my crackers.  She got mad again, and said "Okay, fine," and stomped off to her room again, like a wittle baby.  Sigh.  She's just being fucking crabby lately and taking it all out on me.  Every little interaction with me is her saying "You're not doing good enough for me".  

But, why do I care?  I mean, it's been a long time without her being so blatantly assholey to me so the main issue here is that I am not used to it right now.  But still.  Who can get used to being treated like that?

Then today my son told her we're leaving to go buy Halloween stuff and candy for trick or treaters and all she does is proceed to tell me what kind of candy she wants.  She has diabetes!  Yes, I will buy her a little bit, but her list of various candies was way too long for any normal person.  This is why I do not tell her where I am going or what I am doing, ever.  Otherwise she makes me huge lists I cannot possibly fulfill that she will get mad about later because I didn't buy them.  

I did get her today though.  I clapped back at her with some truth and it felt good.  I had locked my room and forgot to put my puppy in his crate before I left, so I had to use a key to unlock my door (though I don't lock him in there, in case of an emergency--I leave my door unlocked, but he's in his crate because he's a menace to my mother when she's alone with him).  She was standing behind me and waiting to get around me and said "Oh, you don't have to worry about me, I will not go in your room.  I never go in there!  I won't even get your dog off the bed when he barks.  I leave that all up to you!"  As if her not going in my room was her idea.  See, this is the game she always plays.  I make a rule for her.  She refuses to obey it.  I have to keep enforcing said rule, over and over again, sometimes up to a year, as I had to with this particular one, and eventually she follows it.  Then, after following it for awhile, she pretends as though she came up with the idea herself, and doesn't do the thing she's not allowed to do because of her own reasons.  And then, she literally ends up believing her stupid made up story!  This ROYALLY pissed me off in the moment, considering the way she's been acting towards me lately, so I snorted at her and laughed and said "Oh yeah?  I know that, Mother, because I am the one who made the rule you can't go into my room in the first place!"  I waited for her response, but nothing came out of her mouth.  Ha!  

Two things here: 1) I missed a HUGE opportunity to tell her exactly why I disallowed her in my room to begin with, which would have been amazing to say to her, and 2) I should have ended up locking my door and moving the puppy to the living room, because she probably did go into my room because of what I said.  Oops.  

In other news, my youngest son turns 21 this week.  And I have to say, I am very grateful mother has stopped trying to ruin people's birthdays.  I mean, she did up until last year, but still, she hasn't done it the past few birthdays, so that's something.  We're going to this awesome arcade and bowling alley during the day, and out to eat somewhere he wants to go at night.  Maybe my mother will come with us?  Probably not.  But if not, we're going to go out after she's done eating, so she doesn't feel left out.  Also, this will keep her out of trouble, as she will do stupid shit if we're gone at dinner time, because she gets angry nobody is serving her food.  She refuses to feed herself at night, which is insane, but hey, it keeps her from burning the house down.  So that's good.  I am more than happy to be there to make her dinner each night to keep everyone in the house safe.  Also, it means she eats a well-rounded meal, rather than crackers or some other bullshit.  So, to the arcade during the day, then home for gifts and cake, and then feed mother, and then out to eat, and hopefully they serve alcohol so he can order a drink.  Mr. Brooks took the day off from work, so we have a three day weekend to have fun and decorate for Halloween.  I hope it will be awesome!  

Well, that's all for now.  Let's hope Mother just lays off this weekend and doesn't go back to her usual super horribly bossy "someone else's birthday" self.  But even if she is, I have my family, and together we can deal with whatever she tries to put out.  

I am avoiding my mother today.  As I will be for a few days.  For two reasons: 1) I want her to know I am angry with her and what she did is not okay and 2) so she can't come crying to me about how sorry she is.  I want her to get annoyed with me and say something about what she did, so I can tell her just how awful she was the other day. 

Okay, so I ran out of cigarette tubes to make mother's cigarettes.  My hubby went to work, and my kids were sleeping, so I had no way to go get more.  I had 9 left from the previous day and I forgot to put them out for her.  Though, I knew she'd through a fit about only having 9 cigarettes, even though she'd only have to wait until a little after 3pm to get the rest, as my hubby would be home for me to go get more.  9 is half a day's worth, so it should have been fine.  A full pack is 20.  Ever since I started making hers, I've given her 19, in order to cut her down on how much she smokes.  Recently, I started giving her 18.  Every month or so, I cut them down by 1.  

The day before all this, she stopped me in the hallway and said "I was thinking about something..." and I had my back to her and rolled my eyes, because every time she "thinks" about something, it's always some cockamamie bullshit.  And she didn't disappoint.  She went on to tell me how I roll her cigarettes "too light" and how it makes them burn faster and now she smokes more.  It was all I could do to not laugh, because I've been cutting her packs down one by one, as I already said.  And I give them to her at the same time every single day, so there is no way she's smoking more.  But for real, I pack them as tight as the damn machine will let me without breaking it, but no, she refused that explanation and still wanted to blame specifically me for rolling them too loose.  So I just shut the door in her face. I know she wants the machine to roll them herself.  And I am sure that's why she shouldn't shut up about it.

My argument is that cigarettes, in general, are poison.  So, am I really going to worry about making something full of horrible shit more palatable for her?  Really?  Even so, I can't do anything about it, they are what they are and they aren't going to change because I can't make the machine do something it won't.  If they're too light, I can't do anything about it.  But I didn't say any of that to her, but I will next time.  I fill the tobacco as full as I can without breaking it, and for some reason, it still leaves gaps in the paper tube in different spots.  But it doesn't matter to her, as she wants it to be my fault, so therefore, it is.  She wants to remind me that nothing I do is good enough for her.  Doesn't she realize by always complaining about the things I do it means I can't do anything right?  I mean, duh, of course she realizes that, but if I point it out to her, maybe she'll shut up about it.

Anyways, I was talking to my son in the living room, which is his new bedroom, by the way, since his basement room flooded out and almost ruined everything he had.  And while there is a door to the living room that we recently put up, there is a hole in the wall covered by chicken wire (fancy, right?) to keep the cats out, where shelves used to be (soon it will be covered).  So my mother stood there, staring at us as we spoke, until she got tired of hearing my son speak and yelled "KNOCK KNOCK!" as she knocked and then said really loudly "EXCUSE ME!  Can I have my cigarettes please?"  I said "Yes, I'll get them in a second, but right now my son is talking."  So my son continued talking and she just stood there, staring at us.  Then she got angry enough to walk away and turned on the kitchen light.  I had a headache, as did my son, and the light shines right into the living room where we were sitting, right into my eyeballs.  I asked her to shut it off, and she got pissed, yelling that she wanted to read her book.  I JUST got her a new chair and new cushions to put into her room for that reason.  It's her reading chair.  But she wanted to sit in the kitchen and listen to us talk and also be able to interrupt us at will and yell at me to get her smokes.   She LOVES to interrupt (and she always has), because what she has to say is more important than anything else on earth.  She's impatient as fuck.  I hate taking her places because she ALWAYS complains about how long things take.  She thinks she's special and deserves to be waited on or doted on before other people, no matter who they are.  She used to say "I'm first, and everyone else can go after me!".  As a kid, I always thought that was funny.  But I didn't realize, she was just stating her truth.  She really believes that in life, that she should always be first.

So she yelled "I told you this wouldn't work about my cigarettes!"  I stopped talking to my son and said "What?  You never told me anything, I don't know what you're talking about."  She replied "About my cigarettes!"  I said "What about your cigarettes?  What did you tell me?"  Instead of answering me, she stormed off into her room and slammed the door.  So I got her cigarettes from my room and put them in her hard case and put them on the counter.  There, she won.  She got me to do what she wanted, to stop my son and I from talking so I could take care of her.  She came a few minutes later and went outside to smoke.  Then she came in from smoking and then started in on me.  

Her: "Listen, why can't you just give me the machine?"  

Because you'll break it and roll yourself double the amount of cigarettes that I give you and cost us more money.  But I didn't say that.  

Me: "Because it's mine.  I paid for it."

Her: *puts on haughty voice* "I didn't know you smoke." 

My son: "Wow, you're super ungrateful."  

Her: "HEY!" *in her signature who-do-you-think-you-are-talking-to-me-that-way voice* "You know what, I am going to call all the places and get all my money put into my own account."

Me:  *eyeroll* "Mom, there is no way for you to do that."  

Her: "Yes I can."

Me: "No you can't." 

My son: "We don't have to buy you cigarettes at all.  Maybe you should just be more grateful?"

Me: "I do everything for you, and now you're saying, once again, I don't do enough.  Just take a step back and realize that I just forgot to get them for you this morning.  I didn't withhold them on purpose.  AND, the reason there are only 9 is because I ran out of papers.  It's not like I am only giving you 9 to punish you.  I have to go buy you more papers.  Which I am going to do in a moment."

Her: *she realizes she's been defeated, so now let's bitch about something else* "Well, you never made my appointment for my blood test!"  

Me: "I CAN'T!!  I have to wait until Mr. Brooks knows when he can take you!"  

Her: "Well, you don't tell me anything!"

My son: "Because you have dementia and you either can't understand what she's telling you or you don't remember anyways, Grandma!"  

When my son gets involved, you know he's had enough of her shit.  

Me: "Exactly!  And listen, I do everything for you.  I am only one person.  You can't keep complaining about the fact I forget things, it's not fair."  

Her: "I shouldn't have to beg for things!" 

Me: "REMINDING ME MORE THAN ONCE FOR SOMETHING IS NOT BEGGING!"      

This crazy bitch thinks that I should do things the first time she asks me to do it, otherwise it's begging.  Are you fucking kidding me?  That's some superiority bullshit right there.  Sometimes I do things right when she asks, especially if it's important.  But sometimes I either can't, or I just plain forget, because I have 1,000 other things to do.  Remember, I have ADHD, and I have to take care of 5 people and remember things for 5 people, plus 5 dogs and 500 cats and 15 chickens.  Yesterday, I spent all evening winterizing their chicken coop all by myself.  The night before, I installed a new chicken door, with the help of my hubby and son.  I also have a circulatory system disorder called POTS that causes me to feel sick a lot in cycles and if I stand on my feet for too long, I feel like I am going to pass out.  It also gives me horrendous pain all over my whole body (which may or may not be fibromyalgia) and sometimes makes me tired AF.  I also get migraines (including cervicogenic migraines) in cycles, too.  And I have horrible plantar fasciitis and arthritis in my feet, which hurts like fuck to walk after I've been on my feet for a little bit.  And yet every single day, I still cook her food, do her laundry (every few days), and do whatever stupid things she asks me to do.  So sorry, if you have ask me more than once, mother, to get something done.  I AM KIND OF FUCKING BUSY trying to juggle getting things done for everyone else against my pain and trying not to pass out.  

The thing is, she already knows most of the things I listed here.  She KNOWS I have migraines.  She KNOWS I am in pain a lot.  She KNOWS.  You know what she does when I have a fucking migraine?  She'll yell.  And I will say "Can you be quieter?  My head really hurts."  She will then yell louder.  One time she smacked me in the head when she knew I had a migraine.  I said "Don't do that, my head really hurts."  So she smacked me again.  I got pissed and said "DO NOT DO THAT!"  So, she did it again, and that time, I grabbed her arm really hard before it reached my head, mid-smack, and growled in her face "Don't you ever fucking hit me, or anyone in this house again, you hear me?"  And that made her stop.  But she does not give two flying shits if I am sick or in pain and will go out of her way, not just once, but every single time she knows I don't feel well, to make it worse.  So, I could tell her until I am blue in the face about what my issues are with getting her shit done in a timely manner.  But she will not care.  Or, she'll try to use it to her advantage to try to take back some power and say "Oh, but if you just let me do some of things, then you don't have to do so much!"  Which means to let her do laundry, roll her own cigarettes, and drive her car.  Even though she's not allowed to use the basement stairs, use the machine I paid so much money for because she'll break it, or drive, because she'll kill people.  But it doesn't stop her from still asking to do all of these things on a regular basis because I am not doing it fast enough.  

The last time I did her laundry, I didn't do it for four days.  She never asked me to do it, she put the basket outside of her room and since she never asked me herself, I just forgot.  It wasn't on purpose or anything, I just was busy doing all the other laundry in the house, and doing whatever and I forgot about hers.  She then bitched to my husband that I should just let her do it, then it would get done in a timely manner.  I get that depending on your ADHD daughter to do all your shit is frustrating.  But it's not like I am her fucking slave or someone she pays to do her shit.  I am her child.  She should have more of a loving attitude for me than she would a housekeeper.  But that's how she treats me.  That's how all narcissists treat their families.

Once, her BFF Christmas (remember, she used to be my friend, too) said to her "Who does all your housework?"  My mother replied "Shay."  And Christmas started laughing, really hard, and said  "Shay?  Are you kidding me?  She does all your housework?!  Yeah right!"  And my mother replied "Yes.  I don't have to do a thing!"  Like she was proud of me or something.  The funny part here is the reason Christmas laughed: all my mother has put into her friends' heads is that I am a lazy slob.  She has done nothing but talk shit about me behind my back my entire life.  She never says she's proud of me behind my back, unless she's on an upswing with me, the "idealization" part of the cycle.  

And that always confuses her friends, when she's idealizing me, because she's always talking shit about me so much that when she switches sides like on a light switch, it hits them out of nowhere.  "I thought we were bashing Shay, but now we're cheering her on?  Um...okay."  Christmas was very confused by, not only my mother's comment, but the enthusiasm in which she said it.  And then by not saying one more thing about it.  Because narcissists are confusing as fuck.  But Christmas is a reverse narcissist, remember, so that means she will go along with whatever the narcissist says.  

The reason why she was on an upswing with me at that time was because my mother had just gotten
into trouble for telling Christmas that I was "holding her hostage" in the house (which was because of the pandemic lockdowns) and that what I was committing elder abuse.  So she wanted to be on her best behavior so I didn't yell at her again.  Or rather, so I didn't put her ass in a home.  Because had Christmas called someone on me for that?  And I would have had to prove that I was keeping my mother safe rather than locking her up in the house for no good reason?  We'd all be homeless because I would have immediately made plans to send her to a home and we'd have nowhere to live.  Funny, these narcs think they can say and do stupid things with no repercussions.  And because of that stupid comment she made for attention, we were all one step away from being homeless again.  I only bring this up, because I fear she's on that route again.  That all "You never let me do anything!" bullshit.  

My mother always gets angry that I never tell her anything about her appointments.  Well, I do put a calendar on the fridge with her appointments on them, but if I talk to her about things ahead of time, then one of many things will happen: a) she'll get anxious and obsess about it and she'll constantly look shit up about it and then talk about it nonstop, b) she won't understand due to her dementia, c) she'll get bossy and think she can tell me what to do, when I have to do what the doctors want her to do, or d) she'll come up with 100 ideas about what to do next, as though she's in charge.  I DO NOT NEED TO OR WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT SHIT!  I am in charge of her medical care, as much as I can be, and that's the way it is.  She needs to just leave it alone.  

This is why I don't tell her when we're taking her out somewhere.  If I tell her the day before or earlier in the day, she will obsess about it from the moment I tell her until we leave, and then she gets impatient and controlling and makes everyone regret including her in whatever it was in the first place.  She is NOT a fun person to interact with.  On any level.  So we have to tell her moments before we leave.  She hates it, but it's either her being uncomfortable for a moment, or everyone being uncomfortable for days/hours.  I choose our comfort over hers.  

Also, we took her the store the other day and she spent over $100.  The very next day?  She asked to go to another store!! I was like "Am I made of money??"  She literally has ZERO concept of money.  ZERO.  And she thinks she's going to get control of her money back?  Like she's just letting me control her money to be nice?  What a fantasy land she lives in.  I have to control her money otherwise bills do not get paid.  She has no idea how to even pay the bills!  

Hahaha...what am I even saying here?  Why do I even take her seriously?  I honestly don't.  But as you can see, this is a trigger for me.  She's said this shit since the moment I took over everything, which was only in 2021.  So it's not like it's been that long.  The idea is not the fact that she can't do it.  I know she can't.  It's the fact she might try.  Which is would lead to a whole slew of headaches for my entire family.  It also would instill a fear in me of becoming homeless again, because my mother doesn't do anything partially.  If she wants revenge, she is capable of anything.  My entire life I've lived in fear of what she could do to me, if she got a hair up her ass to do it.  In two weeks (at the most), we'll pay down our credit cards to the point that our credit score should go up pretty good, which means we'd be able to buy a house.  Also, student loan forgiveness might help our credit go up even more soon.  I never thought about that, though.  That we may be able to buy a house before the end of the year.  And we may have to.  Because credit scores are all always over the place when you've got a bit of a shitty past with your credit.  So when it's good, you need to do what you need to do ASAP before something else comes along and knocks it right back down again.  So we may not have a choice, we may just have to run with it, if our score gets good enough.  But we'll see.  I am hoping for something near an 800, but anything in the 700's will do.  We're not too far from that right now.  

The moment we buy a new house and move, my mother will be angry that she has to move again.  But I will tell her the truth: it's for our protection.  If we don't buy a house in our name, then the moment something happens to her, we'll be homeless.  Granted, that's not 100% the truth, but still, it's close enough.  For some reason she thinks that she wants to live in this teeny tiny little house until she kicks off.  I mean, we don't even have enough bedrooms for everyone, especially now after the basement flooded.  My oldest son is sleeping in the freaking living room for Pete's sake (who is Pete and why do we care about him?).  If she goes into a home, we'll be homeless.  If she dies, we'll get the option to purchase the home, but it's toooooo freaking small and we don't want it, so we'll still be homeless.  So, I won't be lying when I say that to her.  

Well, that's in the future, anyways.  For now, I'm just going to keep on guard to make sure mother isn't up to any funny business.  She hasn't apologized or said anything about it yet.  But I will.  Either she will say something and I will snap back at her (which was my plan), or she won't say anything and I'll bring it up and let her know that just because she doesn't get what she wants doesn't mean she can threaten me (even though we all know it's just threats).  My point will be to get her talking about all the shit she's been bottling up when I thought she was being a good and quiet girl.  Let her spill it all out on me so we can be done with this.  

It's getting colder now.  And I need to make sure she's not going to be inside our house making everything a living hell for us (as all summer she takes up the entire backyard all hours of the day, reading and smoking).  I think I'll buy a heat lamp for outside, so I can sit outside in the cold and read.  Or, just use my pellet burner.  

Okay, time to be done rambling.  

"Hey Shay!  Have you given Christmas any eggs yet?" my mother asks me of her BFF.  The keyword here is "given".  She thinks I will be giving away all my extra eggs.  She has zero idea that we got chickens in order to sell eggs, as they aren't a sustainable food on their own (the cost to keep chickens far outweighs our need for eggs).  Even though I told her so, she still thinks that it's a stupid idea and we should just share.  She keeps promising eggs to everyone she talks to.  Sigh.  

The thing is, this is a trigger for me, to have her make plans for MY life and MY stuff.  But then I step back and remind myself: she isn't in charge anymore.  I am.  And no matter what she says or how many people she's said it to, it doesn't matter.  I have the ability now to tell her no and to tell her friends no, too.  I am just glad she only has two friends left, and one of those friends she never sees in real life.  If we lived in our old neighborhood, I would have had like 20 neighbors at my door with empty cartons, asking for free eggs, because mother would have told them all to come get some.  But I don't live that life anymore.  

We sell our eggs at $4 a dozen.  We have brown, blue, light green, and olive.  We also are getting into the black walnut business, so we'll see how that goes.  We have like 10lbs of them right now, I think?  It's hard work, but it's rad to see just how much of these little suckers you can use to make different things.  My mother thinks it's all stupid.  But she's old, crochety, rude, and has dementia and NPD.  So what do I care what she thinks?  I just don't anymore.  

I finally feel like I am learning to live my life without being a) under her thumb and b) under her watchful eye and c) controlled by her anymore.  

But I am going to make it very clear that to anyone she offers free eggs to, I don't give them away.  And Christmas doesn't deserve free eggs.  For so many reasons.  I will give her one dozen, but that's it.  After that, she pays like everyone else.  And I'm only giving her a free one because I've known her for so long.  

I did get an offer from a reseller to resell ALL our eggs every single week, but he wants prices so low that I'd make almost nothing on them.  If I had more chickens it would be worth it.  But I only have 15.  Let's just hope the people around here start buying as more of our girls start laying.  Right now, we're up to 9 a day.  

Having chickens is fun.  It's work, but it's been really fun so far.  Except when their coop flooded.  That sucked.  Also, I think as they die I will not replace them as they are delicate and about a billion things can go wrong with them at any given time.  I don't think they're worth the time, effort, and money considering all they give us are eggs that we don't get a ton of money for.  But I do love our girls.  And one special Rhode Island Red has claimed me as her person and is my little BFF and gets jealous and pecks other birds when I pet them LOL  Her name is LuAnn.  Her sister Peggy (aka Pants Pecker) is mean and hurty.  And I cannot wear shorts or open-toed shoes in their pen because of her.  

Okay, enough about chickens.  That's all for now.  

If you're ever scared to say no to someone's request, remember these three steps: 

1. Say something positive about what they asked.  "Thank you so much for asking!"  "What a great idea!"  Etc. 
2. Say no politely.  "But I am sorry we'll have to decline."  "I don't think I can help you out this time." Etc. 
3. Then end on with a positive suggestion or alternative.  "But maybe in a few months I will be able to help out!"  "So and so may be a good candidate for this job!"  "You could always (insert alternative here)".  

I have learned something about myself that I hate: I cannot say "no" to someone when they ask me to do something.  What's wrong with me?  Why am I such a people pleaser?  I know one reason is that I fear their response.  If you tell someone no, they usually come up with a hundred reasons why you should still say yes.  I don't want to deal with that.  What I hate more than saying no to someone is having to say no, over and over again, repeatedly.  

Point in case: 

A few days ago, I was out gathering black walnuts with my kids and husband (we process them for selling, we grind the shells to sell for polishing, as well as create walnut ink out of the husks to use and sell, so no part of the walnut goes to waste) at the park, and I get a phone call from my other next door neighbor, the one who tried to sucker me into watching my other next door neighbor's dog with her, making me do all the work.  She never has anything of use to say, so I didn't answer.  She called back again.  I thought "Oh no, is this an emergency?"  She didn't leave a message, so I assumed it wasn't.  Then she texted me "Shay, call me back ASAP".  I was livid.  My kids and hubby were livid, too, as we knew it wasn't an emergency, as she'd have left a message, so we knew she was disguising it as one to get me to be lured into calling her.  But I refused to play her game and texted her back instead:

Me: Oh no, what's wrong?  Sorry I didn't answer, my phone is being a jerk and my mic isn't working.  What's going on?  (look at me making excuses again--right now I'm reading "Untamed" by Glennon Doyle and I am learning just how stupid that is--I highly recommend this book)

Her: I got into an accident and need to hide my car in your driveway if that's okay. 

What the fuck did she just say to me?  She did what and wants me to do what?

Me: Sorry, we can't do that. 

Her: I would move it in the morning, it would just be for tonight. 

Me: Did you get involved in a hit and run?

Her: (sends me a picture of her busted up front end)  I didn't see someone stop in front of me and bumped them.  

Now, I am fucking livid.  Are you kidding me with this shit?  She didn't respond to my question, so I assumed she had got involved with a hit and run and now needs to hide her car from the cops.  Now, remember, never assume anything, even if it sounds exactly like what you think.  Always spell it out for them so you can get a definite yes or no.  People are stupid and most people do not think before they respond.  So she had no idea she was, what I thought of as, agreeing with me.  So I got angry.  And boy, it felt good to share my anger at someone who was trying to take advantage of me for once.  

Me: And you left the scene of the crime?  You aren't a child.  You know better.  You should have stopped.  Never ask me for anything like this ever again.  This is NOT OKAY.  

I don't think that was unreasonable, had that been what had actually happened.  I wasn't mean or cruel or used swear words.  And had she actually left the scene of the accident, she obviously hadn't been parented right and needed a swift kick in the ass.  But as it turns out, I was wrong.  Or so she says.  

Her: I didn't.  This is why I wanted to talk to you.  You're completely misunderstanding what I am saying.  

No I'm not.  She wasn't clear with me.  I didn't misunderstand a thing.  I assumed something, but I didn't misunderstand a damn thing.  Classic narc move.  To blame me for her being shady.  Also, when a narc refuses to text and would rather talk to you, it's so they can manipulate you with their words and emotions.  I always see this coming, so I never ever let it happen.  I had an old friend do that to me.  She was being cruel to me on social media, over and over again.  So I called her out on it and she said "Just let me call you".  I said no.  We never spoke again.  Good riddance.  

Me: You want to hide your car in my driveway.  I am on the person to ask that of.  If doesn't matter what happened.  If you want to hide your car there is a reason.  And we do not want to be involved.  

Her: From dad. 

Me:  Ahhh.  But still.  Sorry I overreacted, but I still don't want to be involved, sorry.  

Her: Okay whatever.

Now, I didn't have to apologize.  But what she says makes no sense to me.  We live directly next door.  How would her dad not see her car there?  And what good would that do?  Wouldn't he wonder where her car is?  Again, I said no four times.  FOUR.  Once should be enough.  But it never is with these people.  And I don't actually fear our other next door neighbor hounding me about this, but I do fear telling her no and having her get angry I said yes in the first place.  Why do I even care though?  

I have been learning something, something that I realized recently.  And I've been learning to use it in my daily life, as much as I can.  It's the phrase "I really doesn't matter anyways".  Meaning that in the grand scheme of life, when I am old and dying, will I give two shits about this experience?  Or about what this person said or did?  Does it actually fucking matter?  And no, pretty much anything negative in life doesn't matter.  Only the good stuff does.  So if it's uncomfortable, or scary, or just something you don't want to have to deal with?  You won't even remember it one day.  But you'll very much remember all the things you did.  And you may remember the day you took back your own power and stopped saying "yes" when you want to say "no".  

In the book "The Power of the Positive No", the author states when you want to say no, to say something positive, then say no, but then offer an alternative or something nice.  Like "Thank you so much for asking me, but I am sorry I will have to decline as I have too much on my plate as it is, and I won't see it slowing down anytime soon (you can add a reason or not, you don't have to offer any explanation at all if you don't want to).  But if you'd like me to watch B for a less amount of time, like 1-2 days at time, I am always happy to help out!"

My neighbor wants me to watch her dog for 30 days in January, at $10 a day, which means going over to their house 3-4 times a day, letting him out, playing with him, and then literally cooking the dog dinner each day (a chicken breast and rice).  Oh and cleaning up his piss and shit every time he goes in the house.  For one, that's a horribly long time for that boi to have to sleep alone each night and for two, what the fucking hell?  Yes, I am angry at her for asking, but I am more angry I always say yes, when I want to say no, and then I get stuck having to worry about saying no later.  She already knows I cook three dinners a day.  So she wants me to add a fourth?  Sigh.  But it's not her fault she oblivious.  I know she's oblivious and I still said yes.  So it's 100% my fault.  Well, I mean, she still asked me, which was ridiculously wrong in the first place, but I take full responsibility on saying yes.  

The funniest part: She was APPALLED that that our other neighbor asked me to hide her car, acting like the other woman was overstepping her bounds as a neighbor, but yet she can't see she's doing the same exact thing.  But then again, most people can't (I only told her because recently that same neighbor called her to ask her something strange, too).  

The saddest part: She sent me to a garage sale down the road to her "friend's" house and I showed up, and the woman just sat there talking shit about my neighbor, saying she was a motormouth and how she felt sad for her husband because he had to listen to her all day.  I felt so bad that my neighbor thought this horrendous bitch was her friend and I won't tell her what she said because I am sure it would hurt her pretty badly.  And all I could was think "How could she even like this woman?  I can tell she's a narcissist with a capital N just from meeting her after five seconds!" But that revelation made me even sadder, because I knew that my neighbor is one of the most oblivious people I've ever met (besides my mother's BFF Christmas).  And her asking me to help with her dog is only because she trusts me and it's not because she wants to take advantage of me.  She just doesn't realize to ask someone you hardly know to do such a big favor is just too much.  So, now I'm not angry with her anymore for asking.  But I still can't do it.  And I really, really need to work on saying no to people to begin with.  Or if I can't be straightforward in the moment, at least I can say "I will get back to you on that, I am not sure if I can."  

Because I am the type of person who thinks everything sounds like a good idea until I really think about it.  Why am I like this?   What happened to make me this way?  People pleasing was my strategy when I was young because it kept me safe.  Even though up until this moment, right now while writing this, I never realized I was such a people pleaser.  But what do I need to keep safe from now?  Why do I care if people think I'm rude if I say no?  If anyone, like the crazy woman next door who wanted to hide her car in my driveway, thinks I am rude for saying no?  They don't deserve to be in my life.  And are probably total assholes.  

There is this song called "It's All So Incredibly Loud" by Glass Animals that speaks of the fear we have the transitions.  We don't actually fear the new state of being.  We fear having to face that change, those few moments right before change comes.  The falling.  Just like the video below, the time you start to fall off the diving board until you hit the water.  It's only moments.  But we make it out in our minds to be something far greater than it is.  We fear saying the words.  "I quit."  "No."  "I'd like to break up."  "I don't want this."  "I can't."  And we fear the responses we get back.  But the entire thing only lasts moments (though with narcissists it may last longer than moments, but that's where boundaries come in).  Because once it's over, it's over.  The change is complete.  We may have a grieving process if it's important, like breaking up, but still.  The transformation is complete.  

So I just have to suck it up and tell her.  I think I will use what I said above about the positive, the no, and then the alternative.  Because what I fear is just a moment in time.  I will say no.  And it will be over.  And in the end, it doesn't really matter anyways, not in the grand scheme of life.  

I'm going to going to read this book "Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty... And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself" that's on Kindle.  I'll let you know if it's good or not.