Nobody ever tells me anything.  Granted, I am not anyone's number one person in these situations.  But it feels as though I am nowhere on anyone's list.  But then again, I guess that's my own fault, as I removed most people from my life many years ago.  But this particular person, I reconnected with a few years ago.  I would think that would maybe be a reason someone should have contacted me to tell me about this.  But again, that feels horribly selfish, considering what happened.  

Okay, so I had this best friend when I was in 9th grade.  She was in 10th grade and then we started hanging out, and she introduced me to all her cousins.  And she had a LOT.  One of them was my old friend from second grade who ended up becoming one of the closest friends I ever had.  Granted, she was a raging narcissist, something I had no idea about at the time.  As adults, this BFF of mine told my soon-to-be-husband's family that the baby I was carry was not his.  This almost ruined my life, and did ruin the life of my children, up until this day (though most of that is my in-laws' problem, not hers, but she started it).  Anyways, I stopped being friends with her because of that and lost contact with all the cousins.  

But then my old best friend, that crazy bitch's cousin, the one I was BFF's with in 9th grade, where this all started, contacted me and asked us to go play board games at this dude's house.  The dude was her sister's boyfriend, and even after the sister and him broke up, we stayed playing with him for a couple of years.  I pushed to be friends with my old friend again, but once her sister dumped him, she stopped showing up.  She was married to this great guy (or seemed like a great guy) name K, but they divorced.  When I asked why, she was odd about it and never explained it to me.  She tried to get me to work for her, but when I said I wasn't interested, she stopped all contact with me.  

In high school though, we were all good friends and partied together and had so much fun.  She ended up pregnant before any of us and I was there right after her first was born (and her second!).  I saw both of these little babies in the hospital and her oldest became my little buddy and I adored him.  As an adult, I found out her son grew up even more awesome and was kind and sweet and nice and good.  Her youngest had horrible anger issues, and was born with intermittent explosive disorder, which made her life pretty difficult.  I didn't get to know him much as a child, as both boys got taken away from her and put in the care of their very abusive father.  How that happened?  I have no fucking clue, as it takes a LOT in our town to have your children taken away from you as a mother.  For all I know, she gave them up (there was talk of neglect back in the day, some of which I witnessed myself).  My own sister gave up her children, all three, just so she could go have a new baby with another guy.  So, it does happen.

But she got custody back after proving the father was abusive, and that's when all broke loose with her youngest.  But the oldest adjusted nicely and even was honorably discharged from the military after his service was over.  But in 2019 he died.  

And nobody fucking told me.  

Not even any of the cousins or her sister.  I've run into these people a billion times since 2019.  And not one fucking word.  Did they goddamned forget??  

As for my old friend, she's on social media posting pictures of herself all the time, looking happy and trying to be sexy.  Now, it's not my business how someone grieves, but what the fuck?  There's pics of her oldest son, but not a single one of her youngest.  Wow, that sounds familiar, doesn't it?  Just because he has emotional difficulties doesn't mean he's not her fucking kid.  

I am trying REALLY hard not to hate her right now.  But I do.  She left that kid to ROT with her ex and the only reason she got him back?  Was because his brother saved him.  He wanted to live with his dad, but she KNEW he was a horrible man who hurt her kids and let him stay anyways.  

The wind is so insane right now outside that I feel it's matching how I feel inside.  The rage I feel that little J is dead and that his brother had to have the life he did due to his mother's horrible mistakes.  I married an asshole, too, but protecting my kids was my NUMBER ONE priority!  Why wasn't it hers?  And why did her son have to die not having his mother for his entire life??  Why does this this happen??  

I know, I know, we're not all equipped with the skills to be parents.  I get it.  But god damn.  He was twenty fucking two years old.  He deserved better than that.  So did/does his brother.  

I think I will have a private Samhain service for him.  Yes, I know, I am an atheist, but we still need ritual, too.  

I need to go decompress now.  It's after midnight.  I will put on Friends until I feel better.  

Sigh.