but it does.  I don't know why.  I kept trying to say "Shay, what does this even matter?  She isn't anyone to you for you to be triggered by this," but it's not working.  Because I keep thinking about it.  I think it's because she's on a kick to keep telling me over and over again that "what you do is not good enough for me".  Today she says "Don't buy me McDonald's again".  Meaning, it made her sick.  It's not like said "Oh, I can't eat that anymore," it was YOU don't buy that for me, as though what I did made her sick.  On Sunday, I got her a breakfast of eggs, biscuit, sausage, and a hashbrown.  And something in it made her sick.  Even though I feed her all of those things and none of them make her sick.  I am not sure if she's lying, or if she just had a spaz attack, as I do, with IBS.  Meaning, it could be any food at all, if our intestines want to be sick, they will be sick.  And I wouldn't take it personally, if she hadn't already had her meltdown and gave me a laundry list of things I am doing wrong.  But that's not even what's bothering me (even though that added to it).  It was something so stupid she did yesterday.

So, yesterday she comes up to me and says "See, look!" and shows me a cigarette she packed down and there was only half of the tobacco in it.  Meaning, once again, she's bitching that I pack then too light.  But she only had ONE that was like that.  So the other 17 must have been fine (remember, I cut her cigs down by one a month, right now she's on 18).  So ONE cigarette out of her entire pack was packed too light?  Oh fucking well.  She said "I'll just leave that here for you."  I said "Why?  What will I do with it?  It's not like I can repack it.  You're going to have to smoke it like that.  Just tear the paper off the empty half."  Oh that made her angry and she got all huffy and said "Fine.  Whatever."  But here's the deal: the next time she bitches, moans, or complains about this issue, I am not going to defend myself and say, once again, "Look, the machine doesn't always pack them tightly, I do my best, so this is the way it's going to be when you have a person making them for you, rather than buying them."  I could say that.  But I don't fucking want to.  What I want to say, and what I will say, is: "Cigarettes are poison.  You are poisoning yourself.  And you expect me to care that I am messing up something you're poisoning yourself with?  Really?  Why should I care about that?  You either take what you get, as I've explained to you that I do my best stuffing those little fuckers as best I can, or you get nothing.  Kapeesh?"  And if she protests, I will say "I AM SICK OF YOUR COMPLAINING.  SAY THANK YOU OR YOU GET NOTHING."  And I will repeat that until she agrees.  Then I will walk away.  See, I've keep telling her that the machine doesn't always pack then tight.  And that I pack them as tight as I can without breaking the machine.  But she doesn't give a shit.  She only complains that they aren't perfect.  So I am done listening to her complaining.  Stop being such a negative nelly, mother!  It's rude and annoying!  

Then yesterday and today she asked me for crackers.  She eats saltines like they are going out of business (and yet her blood sugar readings and A1C remain perfectly fine, go figure).  But I haven't been shopping yet, as it wasn't payday.  "Sorry, no, I don't have any," I replied.  She responded all rejectedly and said "Okay, I guess so," and stomped off to her room.  So I went into my own stash and gave her a tube of Ritz.  I didn't have to, as I don't eat them the way she does (not food shaming her here, but she eats WAY too many crackers), and I keep mine for a long time, which makes them economical for me to buy.  But I was being nice.  Today, she asked "Do you have any more of those crackers?"  Good grief, I just gave her a pack yesterday!  I said no, even though I did have some, but it's not fair she's going to eat all my crackers.  She got mad again, and said "Okay, fine," and stomped off to her room again, like a wittle baby.  Sigh.  She's just being fucking crabby lately and taking it all out on me.  Every little interaction with me is her saying "You're not doing good enough for me".  

But, why do I care?  I mean, it's been a long time without her being so blatantly assholey to me so the main issue here is that I am not used to it right now.  But still.  Who can get used to being treated like that?

Then today my son told her we're leaving to go buy Halloween stuff and candy for trick or treaters and all she does is proceed to tell me what kind of candy she wants.  She has diabetes!  Yes, I will buy her a little bit, but her list of various candies was way too long for any normal person.  This is why I do not tell her where I am going or what I am doing, ever.  Otherwise she makes me huge lists I cannot possibly fulfill that she will get mad about later because I didn't buy them.  

I did get her today though.  I clapped back at her with some truth and it felt good.  I had locked my room and forgot to put my puppy in his crate before I left, so I had to use a key to unlock my door (though I don't lock him in there, in case of an emergency--I leave my door unlocked, but he's in his crate because he's a menace to my mother when she's alone with him).  She was standing behind me and waiting to get around me and said "Oh, you don't have to worry about me, I will not go in your room.  I never go in there!  I won't even get your dog off the bed when he barks.  I leave that all up to you!"  As if her not going in my room was her idea.  See, this is the game she always plays.  I make a rule for her.  She refuses to obey it.  I have to keep enforcing said rule, over and over again, sometimes up to a year, as I had to with this particular one, and eventually she follows it.  Then, after following it for awhile, she pretends as though she came up with the idea herself, and doesn't do the thing she's not allowed to do because of her own reasons.  And then, she literally ends up believing her stupid made up story!  This ROYALLY pissed me off in the moment, considering the way she's been acting towards me lately, so I snorted at her and laughed and said "Oh yeah?  I know that, Mother, because I am the one who made the rule you can't go into my room in the first place!"  I waited for her response, but nothing came out of her mouth.  Ha!  

Two things here: 1) I missed a HUGE opportunity to tell her exactly why I disallowed her in my room to begin with, which would have been amazing to say to her, and 2) I should have ended up locking my door and moving the puppy to the living room, because she probably did go into my room because of what I said.  Oops.  

In other news, my youngest son turns 21 this week.  And I have to say, I am very grateful mother has stopped trying to ruin people's birthdays.  I mean, she did up until last year, but still, she hasn't done it the past few birthdays, so that's something.  We're going to this awesome arcade and bowling alley during the day, and out to eat somewhere he wants to go at night.  Maybe my mother will come with us?  Probably not.  But if not, we're going to go out after she's done eating, so she doesn't feel left out.  Also, this will keep her out of trouble, as she will do stupid shit if we're gone at dinner time, because she gets angry nobody is serving her food.  She refuses to feed herself at night, which is insane, but hey, it keeps her from burning the house down.  So that's good.  I am more than happy to be there to make her dinner each night to keep everyone in the house safe.  Also, it means she eats a well-rounded meal, rather than crackers or some other bullshit.  So, to the arcade during the day, then home for gifts and cake, and then feed mother, and then out to eat, and hopefully they serve alcohol so he can order a drink.  Mr. Brooks took the day off from work, so we have a three day weekend to have fun and decorate for Halloween.  I hope it will be awesome!  

Well, that's all for now.  Let's hope Mother just lays off this weekend and doesn't go back to her usual super horribly bossy "someone else's birthday" self.  But even if she is, I have my family, and together we can deal with whatever she tries to put out.