I am avoiding my mother today.  As I will be for a few days.  For two reasons: 1) I want her to know I am angry with her and what she did is not okay and 2) so she can't come crying to me about how sorry she is.  I want her to get annoyed with me and say something about what she did, so I can tell her just how awful she was the other day. 

Okay, so I ran out of cigarette tubes to make mother's cigarettes.  My hubby went to work, and my kids were sleeping, so I had no way to go get more.  I had 9 left from the previous day and I forgot to put them out for her.  Though, I knew she'd through a fit about only having 9 cigarettes, even though she'd only have to wait until a little after 3pm to get the rest, as my hubby would be home for me to go get more.  9 is half a day's worth, so it should have been fine.  A full pack is 20.  Ever since I started making hers, I've given her 19, in order to cut her down on how much she smokes.  Recently, I started giving her 18.  Every month or so, I cut them down by 1.  

The day before all this, she stopped me in the hallway and said "I was thinking about something..." and I had my back to her and rolled my eyes, because every time she "thinks" about something, it's always some cockamamie bullshit.  And she didn't disappoint.  She went on to tell me how I roll her cigarettes "too light" and how it makes them burn faster and now she smokes more.  It was all I could do to not laugh, because I've been cutting her packs down one by one, as I already said.  And I give them to her at the same time every single day, so there is no way she's smoking more.  But for real, I pack them as tight as the damn machine will let me without breaking it, but no, she refused that explanation and still wanted to blame specifically me for rolling them too loose.  So I just shut the door in her face. I know she wants the machine to roll them herself.  And I am sure that's why she shouldn't shut up about it.

My argument is that cigarettes, in general, are poison.  So, am I really going to worry about making something full of horrible shit more palatable for her?  Really?  Even so, I can't do anything about it, they are what they are and they aren't going to change because I can't make the machine do something it won't.  If they're too light, I can't do anything about it.  But I didn't say any of that to her, but I will next time.  I fill the tobacco as full as I can without breaking it, and for some reason, it still leaves gaps in the paper tube in different spots.  But it doesn't matter to her, as she wants it to be my fault, so therefore, it is.  She wants to remind me that nothing I do is good enough for her.  Doesn't she realize by always complaining about the things I do it means I can't do anything right?  I mean, duh, of course she realizes that, but if I point it out to her, maybe she'll shut up about it.

Anyways, I was talking to my son in the living room, which is his new bedroom, by the way, since his basement room flooded out and almost ruined everything he had.  And while there is a door to the living room that we recently put up, there is a hole in the wall covered by chicken wire (fancy, right?) to keep the cats out, where shelves used to be (soon it will be covered).  So my mother stood there, staring at us as we spoke, until she got tired of hearing my son speak and yelled "KNOCK KNOCK!" as she knocked and then said really loudly "EXCUSE ME!  Can I have my cigarettes please?"  I said "Yes, I'll get them in a second, but right now my son is talking."  So my son continued talking and she just stood there, staring at us.  Then she got angry enough to walk away and turned on the kitchen light.  I had a headache, as did my son, and the light shines right into the living room where we were sitting, right into my eyeballs.  I asked her to shut it off, and she got pissed, yelling that she wanted to read her book.  I JUST got her a new chair and new cushions to put into her room for that reason.  It's her reading chair.  But she wanted to sit in the kitchen and listen to us talk and also be able to interrupt us at will and yell at me to get her smokes.   She LOVES to interrupt (and she always has), because what she has to say is more important than anything else on earth.  She's impatient as fuck.  I hate taking her places because she ALWAYS complains about how long things take.  She thinks she's special and deserves to be waited on or doted on before other people, no matter who they are.  She used to say "I'm first, and everyone else can go after me!".  As a kid, I always thought that was funny.  But I didn't realize, she was just stating her truth.  She really believes that in life, that she should always be first.

So she yelled "I told you this wouldn't work about my cigarettes!"  I stopped talking to my son and said "What?  You never told me anything, I don't know what you're talking about."  She replied "About my cigarettes!"  I said "What about your cigarettes?  What did you tell me?"  Instead of answering me, she stormed off into her room and slammed the door.  So I got her cigarettes from my room and put them in her hard case and put them on the counter.  There, she won.  She got me to do what she wanted, to stop my son and I from talking so I could take care of her.  She came a few minutes later and went outside to smoke.  Then she came in from smoking and then started in on me.  

Her: "Listen, why can't you just give me the machine?"  

Because you'll break it and roll yourself double the amount of cigarettes that I give you and cost us more money.  But I didn't say that.  

Me: "Because it's mine.  I paid for it."

Her: *puts on haughty voice* "I didn't know you smoke." 

My son: "Wow, you're super ungrateful."  

Her: "HEY!" *in her signature who-do-you-think-you-are-talking-to-me-that-way voice* "You know what, I am going to call all the places and get all my money put into my own account."

Me:  *eyeroll* "Mom, there is no way for you to do that."  

Her: "Yes I can."

Me: "No you can't." 

My son: "We don't have to buy you cigarettes at all.  Maybe you should just be more grateful?"

Me: "I do everything for you, and now you're saying, once again, I don't do enough.  Just take a step back and realize that I just forgot to get them for you this morning.  I didn't withhold them on purpose.  AND, the reason there are only 9 is because I ran out of papers.  It's not like I am only giving you 9 to punish you.  I have to go buy you more papers.  Which I am going to do in a moment."

Her: *she realizes she's been defeated, so now let's bitch about something else* "Well, you never made my appointment for my blood test!"  

Me: "I CAN'T!!  I have to wait until Mr. Brooks knows when he can take you!"  

Her: "Well, you don't tell me anything!"

My son: "Because you have dementia and you either can't understand what she's telling you or you don't remember anyways, Grandma!"  

When my son gets involved, you know he's had enough of her shit.  

Me: "Exactly!  And listen, I do everything for you.  I am only one person.  You can't keep complaining about the fact I forget things, it's not fair."  

Her: "I shouldn't have to beg for things!" 

Me: "REMINDING ME MORE THAN ONCE FOR SOMETHING IS NOT BEGGING!"      

This crazy bitch thinks that I should do things the first time she asks me to do it, otherwise it's begging.  Are you fucking kidding me?  That's some superiority bullshit right there.  Sometimes I do things right when she asks, especially if it's important.  But sometimes I either can't, or I just plain forget, because I have 1,000 other things to do.  Remember, I have ADHD, and I have to take care of 5 people and remember things for 5 people, plus 5 dogs and 500 cats and 15 chickens.  Yesterday, I spent all evening winterizing their chicken coop all by myself.  The night before, I installed a new chicken door, with the help of my hubby and son.  I also have a circulatory system disorder called POTS that causes me to feel sick a lot in cycles and if I stand on my feet for too long, I feel like I am going to pass out.  It also gives me horrendous pain all over my whole body (which may or may not be fibromyalgia) and sometimes makes me tired AF.  I also get migraines (including cervicogenic migraines) in cycles, too.  And I have horrible plantar fasciitis and arthritis in my feet, which hurts like fuck to walk after I've been on my feet for a little bit.  And yet every single day, I still cook her food, do her laundry (every few days), and do whatever stupid things she asks me to do.  So sorry, if you have ask me more than once, mother, to get something done.  I AM KIND OF FUCKING BUSY trying to juggle getting things done for everyone else against my pain and trying not to pass out.  

The thing is, she already knows most of the things I listed here.  She KNOWS I have migraines.  She KNOWS I am in pain a lot.  She KNOWS.  You know what she does when I have a fucking migraine?  She'll yell.  And I will say "Can you be quieter?  My head really hurts."  She will then yell louder.  One time she smacked me in the head when she knew I had a migraine.  I said "Don't do that, my head really hurts."  So she smacked me again.  I got pissed and said "DO NOT DO THAT!"  So, she did it again, and that time, I grabbed her arm really hard before it reached my head, mid-smack, and growled in her face "Don't you ever fucking hit me, or anyone in this house again, you hear me?"  And that made her stop.  But she does not give two flying shits if I am sick or in pain and will go out of her way, not just once, but every single time she knows I don't feel well, to make it worse.  So, I could tell her until I am blue in the face about what my issues are with getting her shit done in a timely manner.  But she will not care.  Or, she'll try to use it to her advantage to try to take back some power and say "Oh, but if you just let me do some of things, then you don't have to do so much!"  Which means to let her do laundry, roll her own cigarettes, and drive her car.  Even though she's not allowed to use the basement stairs, use the machine I paid so much money for because she'll break it, or drive, because she'll kill people.  But it doesn't stop her from still asking to do all of these things on a regular basis because I am not doing it fast enough.  

The last time I did her laundry, I didn't do it for four days.  She never asked me to do it, she put the basket outside of her room and since she never asked me herself, I just forgot.  It wasn't on purpose or anything, I just was busy doing all the other laundry in the house, and doing whatever and I forgot about hers.  She then bitched to my husband that I should just let her do it, then it would get done in a timely manner.  I get that depending on your ADHD daughter to do all your shit is frustrating.  But it's not like I am her fucking slave or someone she pays to do her shit.  I am her child.  She should have more of a loving attitude for me than she would a housekeeper.  But that's how she treats me.  That's how all narcissists treat their families.

Once, her BFF Christmas (remember, she used to be my friend, too) said to her "Who does all your housework?"  My mother replied "Shay."  And Christmas started laughing, really hard, and said  "Shay?  Are you kidding me?  She does all your housework?!  Yeah right!"  And my mother replied "Yes.  I don't have to do a thing!"  Like she was proud of me or something.  The funny part here is the reason Christmas laughed: all my mother has put into her friends' heads is that I am a lazy slob.  She has done nothing but talk shit about me behind my back my entire life.  She never says she's proud of me behind my back, unless she's on an upswing with me, the "idealization" part of the cycle.  

And that always confuses her friends, when she's idealizing me, because she's always talking shit about me so much that when she switches sides like on a light switch, it hits them out of nowhere.  "I thought we were bashing Shay, but now we're cheering her on?  Um...okay."  Christmas was very confused by, not only my mother's comment, but the enthusiasm in which she said it.  And then by not saying one more thing about it.  Because narcissists are confusing as fuck.  But Christmas is a reverse narcissist, remember, so that means she will go along with whatever the narcissist says.  

The reason why she was on an upswing with me at that time was because my mother had just gotten
into trouble for telling Christmas that I was "holding her hostage" in the house (which was because of the pandemic lockdowns) and that what I was committing elder abuse.  So she wanted to be on her best behavior so I didn't yell at her again.  Or rather, so I didn't put her ass in a home.  Because had Christmas called someone on me for that?  And I would have had to prove that I was keeping my mother safe rather than locking her up in the house for no good reason?  We'd all be homeless because I would have immediately made plans to send her to a home and we'd have nowhere to live.  Funny, these narcs think they can say and do stupid things with no repercussions.  And because of that stupid comment she made for attention, we were all one step away from being homeless again.  I only bring this up, because I fear she's on that route again.  That all "You never let me do anything!" bullshit.  

My mother always gets angry that I never tell her anything about her appointments.  Well, I do put a calendar on the fridge with her appointments on them, but if I talk to her about things ahead of time, then one of many things will happen: a) she'll get anxious and obsess about it and she'll constantly look shit up about it and then talk about it nonstop, b) she won't understand due to her dementia, c) she'll get bossy and think she can tell me what to do, when I have to do what the doctors want her to do, or d) she'll come up with 100 ideas about what to do next, as though she's in charge.  I DO NOT NEED TO OR WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT SHIT!  I am in charge of her medical care, as much as I can be, and that's the way it is.  She needs to just leave it alone.  

This is why I don't tell her when we're taking her out somewhere.  If I tell her the day before or earlier in the day, she will obsess about it from the moment I tell her until we leave, and then she gets impatient and controlling and makes everyone regret including her in whatever it was in the first place.  She is NOT a fun person to interact with.  On any level.  So we have to tell her moments before we leave.  She hates it, but it's either her being uncomfortable for a moment, or everyone being uncomfortable for days/hours.  I choose our comfort over hers.  

Also, we took her the store the other day and she spent over $100.  The very next day?  She asked to go to another store!! I was like "Am I made of money??"  She literally has ZERO concept of money.  ZERO.  And she thinks she's going to get control of her money back?  Like she's just letting me control her money to be nice?  What a fantasy land she lives in.  I have to control her money otherwise bills do not get paid.  She has no idea how to even pay the bills!  

Hahaha...what am I even saying here?  Why do I even take her seriously?  I honestly don't.  But as you can see, this is a trigger for me.  She's said this shit since the moment I took over everything, which was only in 2021.  So it's not like it's been that long.  The idea is not the fact that she can't do it.  I know she can't.  It's the fact she might try.  Which is would lead to a whole slew of headaches for my entire family.  It also would instill a fear in me of becoming homeless again, because my mother doesn't do anything partially.  If she wants revenge, she is capable of anything.  My entire life I've lived in fear of what she could do to me, if she got a hair up her ass to do it.  In two weeks (at the most), we'll pay down our credit cards to the point that our credit score should go up pretty good, which means we'd be able to buy a house.  Also, student loan forgiveness might help our credit go up even more soon.  I never thought about that, though.  That we may be able to buy a house before the end of the year.  And we may have to.  Because credit scores are all always over the place when you've got a bit of a shitty past with your credit.  So when it's good, you need to do what you need to do ASAP before something else comes along and knocks it right back down again.  So we may not have a choice, we may just have to run with it, if our score gets good enough.  But we'll see.  I am hoping for something near an 800, but anything in the 700's will do.  We're not too far from that right now.  

The moment we buy a new house and move, my mother will be angry that she has to move again.  But I will tell her the truth: it's for our protection.  If we don't buy a house in our name, then the moment something happens to her, we'll be homeless.  Granted, that's not 100% the truth, but still, it's close enough.  For some reason she thinks that she wants to live in this teeny tiny little house until she kicks off.  I mean, we don't even have enough bedrooms for everyone, especially now after the basement flooded.  My oldest son is sleeping in the freaking living room for Pete's sake (who is Pete and why do we care about him?).  If she goes into a home, we'll be homeless.  If she dies, we'll get the option to purchase the home, but it's toooooo freaking small and we don't want it, so we'll still be homeless.  So, I won't be lying when I say that to her.  

Well, that's in the future, anyways.  For now, I'm just going to keep on guard to make sure mother isn't up to any funny business.  She hasn't apologized or said anything about it yet.  But I will.  Either she will say something and I will snap back at her (which was my plan), or she won't say anything and I'll bring it up and let her know that just because she doesn't get what she wants doesn't mean she can threaten me (even though we all know it's just threats).  My point will be to get her talking about all the shit she's been bottling up when I thought she was being a good and quiet girl.  Let her spill it all out on me so we can be done with this.  

It's getting colder now.  And I need to make sure she's not going to be inside our house making everything a living hell for us (as all summer she takes up the entire backyard all hours of the day, reading and smoking).  I think I'll buy a heat lamp for outside, so I can sit outside in the cold and read.  Or, just use my pellet burner.  

Okay, time to be done rambling.