I wish I would have always done this.  Sound sketchy and an invasion of privacy, but to know is better than to not know.  I can justify this now because she's under my care and I have to keep her safe.  That is my job.   And if you've been here for any length of time, you'd know that my mother fancies herself a bit of a badass and always makes terrible decisions for herself and everyone around her.  She also lies through her gums.  If her mouth is open (or fingers are typing), she's most likely lying.  I never realized just how much she did this until I started hearing the truth first, and then the lies later.  And that's through listening to her phone calls.  

I don't think she's had a single phone call in over a year, other then when I am not home, that I haven't listened to (well, that's not true, I miss them all the time as I am not always near our home phone).  And believe me, I fucking hate it.  I actually can feel my IQ losing points every single time I listen (good god are her and her friends such dingbats).  

And there comes a point where I say "God, why am I even doing this?"  And then two days ago, I was reminded.  My mother made a plan to go to her old friend's house to go "shopping" with her BFF and her hubby.  Her old friend lived with this hoarder who passed away, and now the lady has a house full of stuff she's trying to get rid of and they were all going over there to buy stuff from her. 

Her BFF Christmas says to her on the phone as my mother starts talking about this "Oh, is Shay coming with?" And my mother, literally screams "NO!"  And then Christmas asked "Will Shay let you go then?"  My mother replied in a real defiant and shitty tone "I don't care, I am going anyways."  Christmas just giggled.  Then in about two minutes she said "Oh, there's books there, Shay might want to come with us!"  Then she buttered me up with really over-the-top compliments that were very obviously fake, and then asked me to go with.  I said okay.  Then she called Christmas back and said "Oh, Shay's going to come with us!"  And Christmas scoffed and said "I thought we weren't going to take her with?"  My mother replied with "No, I didn't think she wanted to, that's what I meant."  Christmas didn't believe her and added "Well, we didn't think she'd let you go without her anyways."  My mother replied "Oh no, it's not that, she just wants to come and see the books".  Christmas started in on her about me, saying "Oh, I was telling my husband that there was no way Shay was going to let you come alone."  But my mother cut her off and changed the subject.  

Sigh.  It's so nice to feel so loved.  And it sounded like so much fun to go places where I am not wanted.  But I did feel this horrible sense of not being able to let her go places with her shitty friends alone, due to her poor decision making.  But my son said to me "Mom, just give yourself a break.  Don't go.  Let them take her and don't worry.  What's the worst they can do?"  And he was right.  So today when she asked me if I was still going, I said "No, I am sorry, I have a migraine."  And my mother got upset.  Not angry, but really whiney.  All I could think was "I heard you SCREAM that you didn't want me to go, but then change your mind due to your own anxiety.  So you don't WANT me to go, you NEED me to go.  There is a difference."  But I didn't say that.  I just kept saying "I am sorry, I can't go."  Good thing it was only thirty minutes before they left, so her anxiety didn't last long.  

I am glad I knew the truth before going.  I do not like not knowing the truth about things before I get involved in something.  I hate finding out afterwards these things.  This is why I listen to her phone calls.  This is on top of my other reasons of keeping her safe and keeping my family safe.  As a child I used to listen to her talk shit about me to my father.  As an adult, I used to listen to her talk shit about to her BFF Christmas when I lived upstairs from her.  She's done nothing but bash me for her entire life.  And now I know she's still doing it.  Granted, this time wasn't anywhere near as bad most other times, but it still wasn't nice.  And then I know she's telling her BFF Christmas that I won't let her go places without me (granted, nobody has ever once asked her to go anywhere, nor is she allowed to drive, so what is Christmas even talking about?).  

I was glad I didn't go.  Sure, she did things she wasn't supposed to, like climb this lady's basement steps (though I asked her if they all went together, and she said yes, which was okay).  But the world didn't end.  She didn't hurt herself.  And hopefully she didn't make any stupid plans with her friends (as far as I know she didn't).  And that's all that matters.  If she did talk shit about me behind my back while she was there?  What can I do about it?  I can't stop her from doing things like this.  And why should I care what two potato heads (or three or four) think of me?  I mean, I care if she's spreading lies again, which almost got Christmas to call elder abuse on me.  But beyond that, there is nothing they can say about me that really matters.  I don't think she did talk shit about me, but she's a notorious fake ass liar, ready to talk horrible shit about you one second and all smiles to your face the next.  So who knows.  

I will say one thing though: I don't understand why I still feel so fucking rejected over this?  Over hearing what these bozos say about me when they don't think I can hear.  Why do I care if she didn't want me to go?  I just hate that deep down, I still want my mother to want to be around me.  I still want her not to reject me.  I wish I could let go of that, but then again, can we ever?  Is it even in our abilities not to feel rejected when one of the most important people in our lives (or who were supposed to be) rejects you?  Is it possible?  I don't think it is.  Even if we tell ourselves it is.  I think deep down, in our core programming as humans, to have our parents reject us is the wound that most likely will never fully heal if we keep experiencing rejection from them.  It's one thing to have it and then to either go no contact or to lose our parents and then to eventually heal from it.  But to experience it almost daily?  Or even at all, no matter how little or much...I don't think that's a healable wound.  I think it scabs over and one day scars, but if it keeps getting damaged with more rejection, I think that the scab comes loose and we feel all of it all over again.  

One could say "Well, if you didn't listen to her calls, you'd never know."  True.  But if I found out later?  It would hurt 1,000x more.  So I'd rather be wounded in small ways now, than a possibility of big ways later.  But also?  It helps me navigate my life with her.  It helps me not be fooled or taken by surprise or be lied to.  And that gives me peace of mind.  

Know that my mother speaks to her friends on speakerphone, so anyone with ears could listen to her calls.  She can't hear what anyone is saying otherwise.  And if my mother were anyone else, I'd go elsewhere and not pay any attention at all.  But she cannot be trusted.  And just like a child who cannot be trusted, she loses her right to privacy.  Granted, I never did this to my own children.  I could catch my oldest son in a lie and I'd stare at him to make him laugh.  Then we'd both laugh and he'd come clean.  One time, he said some really horrible things about me to his father.  He came home crying because he felt so bad.  I hugged him and said he was allowed to talk shit about me when he's mad at me.  That's normal.  And my ex hated me, so he was the perfect person to talk shit about me with LOL  My youngest wasn't and isn't much of a liar.  Being a liar doesn't automatically make you a bad person.  It's why you lie and how badly you could hurt others with your lies, and if you feel remorse or not, that indicates your true nature in life.  My son lies to get his way.  Nothing devious.  He'll fudge numbers on prices to me about how much something costs so it doesn't sound as bad.  Or he'll lie so he doesn't get in trouble.  But he always comes clean and always apologizes.  He just acts out of fear.  He has ADHD and ASD, and I forgive him for lying.  I lie sometimes too.  I lie to him quite a bit.  Not because I want to hurt him, but I lie to protect him from truths he doesn't need to concern himself with (like how much money is in my bank account--if I am truthful and it's low, he will start freaking out about money, etc.).  I also lie to protect myself from conversations with him that are none of his business (again, my bank account, and other things like it).  I don't lie to manipulate, coerce, hurt, or ruin anyone.  I lie because sometimes we all have to lie to protect the people we love, or ourselves.  I lie because sometimes things are nobody's business but mine (and my husband's).  

But not my mother.  She lies about everything.  Stupid things that don't matter, and big things that do matter.  She lies for attention.  She lies to hurt people out of revenge.  She lies to make a pretend life she doesn't actually have.  She lies to make things sound better.  Or worse.  Or more interesting.  She lies sometimes for absolutely no reason at all.  Sociopaths do not need reasons to lie.  Lying is just their baseline for living.  Their lives are not made up of truth.  No, it's carelessly (or meticulously) crafted from a myriad of made up things.  Some are half-truths.  And others are straight up lies.  And some are teeny tiny bits of truth.  But they are always mixed up with the lies.  There is reality for them.  Life is one big fantasy.  Some might say they are the true storytellers of the world.  As they are never not telling stories.  

I am glad to be privy to my mother's stories.  And I am really glad to be privy to the ones about me and my family.  I have lived for more than 40 years never knowing the truth about anything she says about use or the antics she gets up to.  And now I have the ability to.  This is my right as her caretaker and her daughter.  I earned it.  And while some may think it's wrong, I say who are you to judge?  If you have a narc mother, wouldn't you like to know the truth?  So nothing catches you sideways anymore?  So you know about most things before she could do something to make a move against you?  They are always making moves against us.  Always.  Now, I just get a heads up first.  And it's all thanks to her using her speakerphone.  I mean, I think she also does it so I can hear it, as well know that narcs don't really do things without some sort of motivation or another.