Today, mother acted like none of this weekend ever happened.  Today, she's talking to everyone like it's all normal.  I was too fucking angry to bring it up.  I like bringing things up when I am much calmer, but I tell you what, if she talks to me tomorrow, she's going to get an earful.  I am in SO MUCH pain today due to having to play "push-o-war" with the bathroom door with her.  And I am going to let her know it.  And I am going to let her know there WILL be consequences for what she did.  And I am going to let her know that she's either lying about that "mass" or her dementia must be getting so much worse.  

But I do know I am going to call Christmas and tell her that my mother's dementia is taking a downward spiral and tell her what she did this weekend, and to clear up the lies about about the so-called "cancer".  I wish I didn't have to talk to that woman, but if I don't, my mother will, and she will spin this in a way that makes me look like the bad guy.  I know when my father punched me in the face when I was 17, she told me if I called the cops that she would have them arrest me, as my dad was just trying to protect her from me.  Or she would take me outside and give them a reason to arrest her.  I should have said "I dare you!"  But she would have.  My mother is and always has been violent.  And she's a liar.  When she slapped me in 2006, I called the police and she made it out to be a big misunderstanding and an overreaction on my part to all the neighbors and painted me out to be the crazy one.  She's ALWAYS painted me out to be the crazy one.  So I have to get to Christmas first and tell her the truth.  

Now, you may ask "But why do you care what her silly friend thinks?"  Because her silly friend will act on it.  The last time my mother painted me out to be some kind of hostile jailor, not even letting her leave the house to go for walks, Christmas almost called elder abuse on me.  And this was after I had already explained to her that my mother wasn't allowed to go for walks on her own, per her physical therapist's orders.  She could go with us or someone else, but not alone.  But my mother convinced her that I wouldn't even allow that.  Which was not true.  

I am so tired of this.  This is not what I thought 45 would look like.  Taking care of a stupid elderly baby who's temper tantrums border on physical abuse (and are clear verbal abuse).  I have two kids with autism who used to fight, like all the time.  They are adults now and have calmed down so much and are doing amazingly well with all of that, only to bring this bozo into the picture to make it all 100x worse.  

I keep asking myself "What should I be learning here?  What should be taking from this situation?"  And the only thing I can come up with is more anxiety, more abuse, and more living my life like both warden and prisoner.  Yes, I am working through all my childhood trauma, as she's is triggering the shit out of me with it.  I am healing it because now I am in charge instead of having an abusive twat in charge of m.  But at what cost??  How much of my sanity do I have to give up in order to do this?  And how much more trauma should I incur or have her inflict on my family?  I really want to just put her in a home and be done with it.    

I saw my perfect house today on a YouTube video.  It was an old abandoned Victorian home on a huge plot of land.  It was set to be torn down to make room for some housing development.  I just watched the video and longed to be there (the only drawback was that it was in a highway...and it was too many states away LOL).  But our finances keep us here for the time being.  And the thing is: she knows this.  Which is why she treats us like shit.  She knows we can't leave.  

She did threaten to put herself in a home so we'd be homeless.  That's how I know she knows this.  We need to buy our own house, even if we have to take her with.  She thinks she has power over us...and she's right.  She still does.  As long as we need to live here, she owns our lives.  Sigh.  

She may not drive or control her own anything anymore, but she has that one thing.  And that's enough.  She can do whatever she likes and unless we can live on our own?  We are stuck with her.  

What a depressing thought.  Oh well, though.  I know that this will not be forever.  That's something my old therapist used to tell me.  "Remember, this is temporary".  And he was right.  One day, all of this bullshit will just be a memory.  And she will be in a home and we will be living elsewhere.  I know this.  But that doesn't mean it doesn't suck while we're waiting.  

Anyways, I had to revoke her access to her patient login for our medical system here.  That's how she cancelled her appointment.  I will let her have it back later, when she stops being such a crazy person.  She said today "Shay" through my door.  "I do not need to go to my appointment tomorrow with the foot doctor."  Up until that moment, I had no idea how it got cancelled.  It never dawned on me it was her.  But she said that and instantly, I was like oh yeah, it was her.  If you know my mother's obsession with doctor's appointments, you'd know that this was a very strange thing to do.  If we ever can't take her to one and I have to reschedule, then she will have an epic meltdown.  So I said "I know, I already rescheduled it."  She wasn't supposed to know about this appointment, it was just a placeholder for later.  Then I paused, as it dawned on me that she was the one who cancelled it and said "Wait, why wouldn't you need to go?"  She replied "Because I don't feel like it.  I don't need to see so many doctors anymore."  She said all of this in her "pity me" Eeyore voice (ho-hum, woe is me).  So I just ignored her.  Because she was just pretending to be...what's the word?  Self-deprecating?  I guess that's it.  Just so I felt sorry for her and so I'd say "Oh, no mommy!  Everything is okay, you can go see all the doctors!"  But that's the thing: she doesn't have a fucking choice.  She sees all the doctors when we make her appointments and that's it.  Unless she's sick or for some actual reason doesn't want to go, she's going.  That's the way it's always been.  And that's the way it will stay.  So I revoked her access to that website (I changed her password and email).  When she bitches about it, I will pretend like I have no idea why it's not working.  Because telling her the truth will just make her fight me more on it.  And I am so done with fighting with her about shit that she has no business doing or being a part of.  

I also need to remember my training: when she baits me, say "I am not arguing with you about this."  And walk away.  Or I can say "What a stupid question" and walk away, too.  We'll see how that works out.  

Also, sitting her down to talk about consequences will not work.  I am not even going to bring that up to her, on second thought.  I will just give her the consequences.  Like revoking her access to the medical system's website.  Things like that.  Also, I am going to block her shitty friend from calling (maybe).  And I am going to talk to Christmas tomorrow, before she does.  And I am going to call her neurologist and talk to them about her recent outbursts and forgetting about her medical stuff and other things she's been doing.  Maybe they can give her another cat scan to see if she's had more strokes lately?  But they will know all about what she did, which she will NOT be happy about.  This idea scares me a little, as she may try to spin it in a way that makes us look bad.  But then again, she has dementia...one time, when my grandmother had dementia, she called and said the nursing home had taken her hostage and to call the police.  So I called up there to check to make sure she was still in her room, and sure enough, she was fine LOL  So dementia people say all sorts of things.  I can even tell them about her delusions, which is why she had the outburst to begin with.  She tells people I do not let her clean anything...and that's a lie, I do not restrict her cleaning anything but that one bathroom.  What I restrict her on is what uses to clean, as I have bad chemical sensitivities and since I won't let her use bleach cleaner.  So, if she can't use bleach cleaner, she refuses to clean anything at all, and tells everyone I won't let her clean anything, ever.  Which is why she had the meltdown about the one tiny room in the house I don't actually let her clean (so she doesn't break my bidet again).  Which is also why she chose to clean that room, instead of the kitchen, which really needed a good cleaning (which I did later that same day because cleaning when I am angry makes me happy).         

Another thing I am thinking of doing is getting a cam for the house, to make sure she's not doing anything stupid when we're not there.  I may also turn the lock around on our living room, so it locks from the living room and not the kitchen, so she can't get in there while we're gone or in the morning.  She has already admitted that she talks walks alone when we're gone, which she's not allowed to do.  This isn't a fire hazard, as she can get out the back door.  But I am afraid this may backfire on me.  But I will really give it some good thought first, and see if it's necessary.  We'll see.  It's just an idea for now, though.  

I am not looking to punish her.  As punishing her makes her act out.  I am looking to keep her safe, and at the same time, make our lives a lot easier.  But I don't think that will happen until she's in a home.  But for now, we'll just do what we need to do and go from there.  Physically assaulting me with a door and screaming and pounding on that same door for a container of baby wipes (it's what I gave her to clean with--it's what I use, too) isn't normal.  And I really, really hope this is not indicative of what's to come next.