Yesterday mother had a MELTDOWN of epic proportions because we couldn't go to her old friend's house to go shopping.  Nobody said to go on Saturday, but she thought that's what I said so she told her friend we were coming at 10 am.  News to me!  So my son woke me up and said "Listen, you have to go talk to grandma, I am not going to deal with her about this.  She got it in her head that we were going today and if I tell her we're not, she's going to be PISSED.  So I am not leaving your room until you talk to her, because she will catch me on the way out and ask what we're doing."  

Also, just so you know, I do not exaggerate conversations on my blog.  I may word them slightly differently only because I cannot always 100% remember what was said.  But I do not add things in for dramatic effect or anything like that.  I read Glennon Doyle's book "Untamed" and it felt like every single conversation with her kids and other people were like some kind of learning moment Ted Talk, which you know is 100% embellished.  That's not a memoir.  That's an inspirational book.  But here, if I tell you I said something or someone else said something, I write it the way I remember it.  Okay, back to the story. 

Oh good grief.  Everyone wants to be woken up at 8:45 am on a Saturday with that hanging over their heads.  So my son hung out with me until I fully woke up and went out the door.  I quietly shut my mother's door (she's about 75% deaf, so I can do shit like that and she doesn't even know) and went into the kitchen my son and we giggled that we got away with leaving my room without being caught.  But this is the kind of jail I live in most days: I have to sneak around so my mother doesn't catch me and then ask me either for 1,000 things to get or for me to do, or presenting me with some cockamamie idea I have to say no to.  But then I just said to myself "just do it", so I strapped on my invisible Nikes and opened her door.  Deep breath.  

Me: Hey, I have to go get a plate sticker on my car today, otherwise we're going to get a ticket.  Then I have to take our SUV to get D a bed (D is the particular son in this event).  

Her: (insert screaming and yelling and melting down here)  Then hurry up and go!!  

Me: Ma, it's the freaking DMV.  I have no idea how long it will be.  

Her: (gives me a shitty look, like I am an idiot and thinking "yeah right")

Me: We can go tomorrow. 

Her:  We just don't need to go at all!!!

Me: Grow up.  (this part may be a little out of order, I know I said other things too, but there was a point when I did tell her to grow up and stop acting like a child because she kept saying really stupid over the top things)

Her: (insert more fit throwing here)  (then, ten minutes later, she's in the living room screaming at my son about it)

We leave the house and get the plate sticker (which ended up being so freaking fast), then we came back home, grabbed some cash (for what I am going to tell you about in a second), took our SUV to get my son's bed and stopped to get more cash for the bed, and then got the bed and then....

I called her old friend and asked if just me and my husband could come over to look at the stuff.  

Here's the deal:  the guy who died had tons of WWII tanks and little green men.  My son does war gaming and that's why we were going to go over there, to see the tanks that my mother all week was pushing her old friend NOT to tell until my son saw them.  So, we went over there, I took pics of the tanks, sent the pics to my kids, they said they didn't want them.  

So then my hubby saw there were tons of BRAND NEW 1st edition Stephen King books, and my hubby is a horror fan (and a horror writer), decided to buy them.  Not all, but like 13 of them.  I bought two records, and my mother wanted this stupid clock she had.  At first, her old friend didn't want to sell the clock, but then she relented.  And then she became obsessed with my mother buying this stupid clock.  I saw the clock.  I hated the clock.  And she quoted me at $50 for the clock.  I said no.  She said then $40.  I said maybe, but I don't have cash for that until later in the week.  Then in the basement, while we were looking at the records, she then said $45.  I was like what?  I didn't say anything, but then and there I decided we were not buying the clock.  Who am I kidding?  I was never going to buy it.  It's old and smelly and ugly.  

So I owed her $10, which is why I grabbed my cash, and paid her another $16, and we left.  I thought it went nicely.  Turns out, that wasn't the case at all.   

Today, that lady called and was LIVID.  She said I was jerking her around so she upped the price on me for the clock.  She was bitching about how I got her number (off my caller ID, you idiot).  She was so annoyed about the entire thing...I'm all like bitch, I just gave you $26 for stuff that is not even yours.  The guy she was a caretaker for died and she's selling all his stuff (nobody is claiming it).  She was acting like I did something wrong, when the truth is that in person, I am in the nicest person ever.  I am polite and sometimes even charming (haha not really, I am more awkward than anything).  My personal skillset is customer service, so I know how to be nice to people, even when I am terribly uncomfortable, which I was.  The entire time she followed me around like a hawk, or followed my husband around like a hawk, and acted like were there to steal things from her.  She was rude, pushy, and annoying.  And, like I told my hubby, she gave me the vibe of an old woman who likes to murder little boys.  Why?  I have no idea.  But I could so see her on one of those true crime shows, smiling in a picture over the bones all of her victims.  She freaks me out.  

So she calls my mother, yelling about me, and then trying to force her to buy the clock.  Then my mother had the audacity to ask if it even worked.  Since the woman told me that it has never left the wall.  Oh boy, she didn't like that and was pissed.  "I WOULDN'T SELL YOU SOMETHING THAT DIDN'T WORK!"  So my mother asked "Well, if you haven't checked it out, how do you know?"  "OH, I KNOW!!"  Yeah, I first thought the woman, from her phone calls with my mother, was a narcissist.  Then I met her and thought nah, she's just severely aspergery.  Now?  I know she's both.  

Well, two can play at that game.  I am going to tell my mother she was rude to me and was annoyed we didn't buy the tanks (which was one things she was really angry about on the phone).  All the things she said about me on the phone, I will say she said in person to me.  Then I'd like to see if they stay friends (they aren't really friends...they knew each other years ago from a single job they worked at together and she used to call my mother 50x a day to ask for rides).

Here's the thing.  I don't like manipulating people or lying.  BUT, I will do it if the person is incapable of protecting themselves or if they are friends with someone who puts my family at risk.  I only step in when I absolutely have to.  And now I can see this bitch manipulating my mother, so I am going to do it right back to her to break up their friendship.  When we move in here?  My  mother used to be friends with a drug dealer and his wife.  So, I changed the woman's telephone number on my mother's list of numbers, so she could never contact her again.  Sometimes, we have to do what we have to, in order to protect ourselves and those we care about (and those we take care of).  My mother is too stupid to know that being friends with a HARDCORE drug dealer is dangerous for both herself and my family.  So, I squashed that shit like a bug.  And now it's time to attempt to squash this one, too.  

The thing is?  I could have just gone onto our account for our phones and blocked this woman from calling. BUT now my mom's BFF Christmas gave this woman her number and she'll just call her to get ahold of my mom if she can't get through here.  Sigh.  So I can't do that.  Otherwise I would and it would have made things so much easier.  And then I could have changed this woman's number on my mom's list, too.  But alas, I have to try it the hard way by trying to show my mom what an asshole she is.  We'll see what happens.  Knowing my mother, she won't even care.