I just don't know where to start.  I guess I'll start with the fact that my mother is looking for ways to move out of the house.  Sigh.  I mean, she can't.  But the idea that she's trying scares the hell out of me.  I am her power of attorney for both medical and financial, and she went behind my back and tried to gain access to all of her money, which is ridiculous.  I say that because she has dementia, has zero idea how to pay her bills or how to spend her money.  If I give her access to a debit card, she will spend all her money in a single place and not have enough to pay a single bill.  She has defaulted on so many things due to sheer financial negligence, and that's not wholly to do with her dementia as that's been a reoccurring issue her entire life.  

Here's the thing: it's all a gas.  She's just blowing steam out her ass because she was angry I stuck up for myself.  She may even know that I check her computer and know all the things she's been Googling, which would mean that she did it on purpose.  But if she didn't know, which I suspect she doesn't (or doesn't remember or think about), it means she was lashing out.  That means I am not allowed to stick up for myself anymore as long as we're living together for fear of her lashing out and going behind my back and making plans.  Sigh.  

So, here's my plan:  I have been nothing but emotionally sick since the 27th, since she became violent with me over a bag of baby wipes.  Granted, it was more than about baby wipes, it was about me taking away her ability to do things, even though it's not me taking these things away.  Part of it is her health, both her physical health and her declining brain health.  The other part is the fact she's a raging fucking asshole.  When I allow her to help with meals, or do large cleaning jobs?  She's an irate lunatic.  Which is also partially why she was being such a cunt to me that day.  She was cleaning.  And cleaning means the beast becomes unleashed.  

When she cooks or cleans, she's overcome with feelings of being a victim.  "YOU made this room a mess!"  "YOU aren't helping me cook or clean!"  "YOU are putting MY dishes in places they do not go!" (never mind the fact that I paid for them).  "What the hell is wrong people??  This is such a fucking mess!!"  Blah blah blah bitch bitch bitch.  

So one of the first things I did was ban her from cooking holiday dinners.  Whenever the holidays came around, my stomach would be in knots.  She thought she was queen of the kitchen and had the right to scream and yell and act like an irate lunatic and a complete asshole to everyone, but especially to my oldest son, who is her scapegoat.  So, I said that was it.  And told her "Nope, you're done.  We're cooking from now on."  And she did not like that one bit.  So when Thanksgiving came this year and I was incapacitated due to my ER visit the night before?  I was terrified she was going to take advantage of it and try to take over cooking.  I was soooo happy when my two boys stepped up and cooked the entire meal with out my mother joining at all.  I was so proud of them.  But I was very surprised she didn't try to take over, because that's how she is.  

Then she kept both messing up doing the dishes, as well as used her doing the dishes as a way to shame my entire family, as well as scream at people for eating food.  "I JUST washed the dishes and now you're going to dirty them all down!!"  When it really had nothing to do with that, she just wanted to shame people for eating, which is another thing she does (wonder how I ended up with an eating disorder at 15?).  She was also forgetting to wash them and put them away dirty too many times.  So, I stopped her from washing them.  Then one day, she just started washing them again.  So I stopped her again, and then had to hide the scrubbies and dishsoap from her, which I still do.  She pretends now that she just "gave it all up", but I always remind her that she's not allowed.  The other thing was she DEMANDED I buy Dawn blue dishsoap and nothing else.  "Look, I can't get them clean without Dawn!"  I would reply "You can't seem to get them clean WITH Dawn either, ma, so it doesn't really matter what I buy."  So I took to buying generic and repouring it into the Dawn container and she never realized it for a very long time.  I couldn't afford actual Dawn so Dollar Tree blue dishsoap it was.  Everything with her so fucking particular, and she used it all a form of control.  The shame came in public when she'd say "Oh wow, I am not home right now, I guess the dishes won't get done" or "Nobody would ever do them unless I do them!"  Etc.  Etc.  Which was untrue.  She'd get angry if anyone else did them, so we didn't.  Not at first.  Eventually we did them more and more, until I just told her to stop completely.  

The thing is, if she just forgot to clean the dishes, I'd be nicer about it.  Dementia sucks.  I would never shame someone for that.  But she was MEAN.  And always has been MEAN.  As FUCK.  So, whenever she says "Oh, I just leave that for you and your husband to do!" I remind her "No, ma, you don't leave anything, you're just plain not allowed to do the dishes."  

So, I just looked at the calendar and I was wrong.  She was trying to gain access to her accounts the Saturday BEFORE her meltdown.  What the fuck?  I can't trust her at all anymore.  I don't know what's going on.  She also was cruising for life insurance, which makes zero sense, too.  Sigh.  I just wish I could install a browser for her that would let her get onto her email and that's it.  And I know I could do it, but we aren't at that stage yet.  I do have website blockers on her computer that stops her from gaining access to certain sites to spy on people (which she does all the time).  And I added both the websites for these accounts, but she still can call them on the phone if she wanted to.  Which won't do much other than make more problems for me trying to pay bills and whatnot.  And if I can't pay bills, we all will be homeless.  And since we were just homeless a few years ago, this terrifies me.  I am trying to keep everyone safe in this house: all the bills are paid on time, my mother's meds are ordered on time, I make sure everyone has clean clothes and full bellies.  How can I do any of that if she's going to start fucking around with the money?  

So, I guess I have to start being super nice to her and pretending like everything okay between us.  Frankly, it would be mentally healthier for me anyways.  Like I said, I've been emotionally sick ever since that day and today, I was quite nicer to her and with that, my mood lifted.  So I guess for the next year (or less), I will just be biting my tongue and playing nice again.  And keeping track of her stupid browser history and emails, as I usually do.  And I will clean my fucking ass off so there will be no more meltdowns about that.  I guess I have to buckle down and tighten up this ship so we can save enough money to move out.  And buckling down with my writing and my store.  My youngest son is taking over the grocery planning and helping me out with cooking, shopping, and he even organized my cabinets!!  I was floored at how much work he did.  And he pulls out the food for dinner for me and puts it on the counter.  I am so happy to have someone who is actually helping to alleviate my daily load.  Oh, and he does his own laundry, too :)  

Yes, ladies, he's 21, single, cooks, cleans, is a minimalist, and organizes ;)  

He's also going to help me in my store, too.  So, that will help light a fire under my ass to get stuff done.  And any extra money I make will go right into either savings or on credit cards.  

But what happens during the time I am trying to save and get stuff done is what scares me.  What if she tries some shit when I am not looking?  Well, I am usually on the lookout, but she always catches me by surprise.  I hate not seeing something coming.  I also hate that I have to keep such a diligent watch on her, as that's another form of control I am letting her have over me.  And it's not fair.  So, the quicker I can make and save money for us to move out, the less I will have to care about that.  

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  

I just want to win the lottery LOL  But you can't win if you don't play and it's really not worth the money to even try.  But still.  It would be nice.  

Okay, that's it.  I am off to go to sleep.  It's like 3am and the stress of her is making me lose sleep lately.  I just want to relax and not think about her BS.  I think that's why I love Netflix so much LOL