Today went quite well.  I made an egg casserole for lunch, lasagna for dinner, and snickerdoodles with hot chocolate for dessert.  We have a tradition in our house, we make hot chocolate on the first snow.  But we no longer get snow until January now, so now it's either the first snow or Christmas Day, whichever comes first.  Technically we eat chimichangas and hot chocolate on the first snow, but we skipped the chimichangas and had snickerdoodles instead.  

Mother was a good girl.  She did try to get more cigarettes out of me than normal, but I gave in and gave her two extra, but that's it.  She needs to learn to smokes less.  I am trying to whittle her down to nothing eventually to get her ready to go into assisted living, since you can't smoke there.  But she's obstinate (what else is new).  I got her down to 11, but now she's begging for more, so I went back up to 12 again.  I'll leave it at 12 for a bit until I feel she'll be ready for 11.  Then eventually 10, and so forth.  She used to smoke 20 (a pack a day) and she's almost half that, so that's something.  

I gave her four huge holiday bags filled with gifts today.  She was opening gifts for so long and just kept saying it was too much...yet, it was all stuff she needed.  She did say thank you, so that was something.  Although she did tell my husband and our sons that "real men don't eat quiche" while she was eating the egg casserole I made. My husband replied "good thing it's not quiche then, right?"  It was so weird.  She was trying to make joke, but instead just came off sounding like an asshole.  We all thought it was funny though, just not to her face.  It was awkward and weird when she said it LOL  What was said was "Men don't eat quiche."  I replied "Lots of men eat quiche."  She replied "Well, real men don't."  We were all just like....um....okay?  Wtf was that about? Haha!  

I hung out more with my mother today than I have in years.  It wasn't fun, but it also wasn't horrible.  So that's nice.  

My kids, hubby, and I spent the entire evening playing the entire game of "Cards Against Humanity".  We joked that we played the whole thing that now we never have to play it again and should sell it.  Funny, I just bought it from a resale shop and we played it all in one sitting.  We've played it a billion times before, though we play on "Tabletop Simulator" on Steam with the expansions, which makes it more fun.  

The most fun part of the day was getting into bed and seeing my cat had come into my room and unleashed a torrent of piss on my blanket and sheets.  That smelled great.  Good thing I have a waterproof sheet on my bed for just such an occasion.  AND (I feel like such a grownup saying this), I have TWO SETS of each!!  So if one gets barfed on, pissed on, or whatevered on, I have an extra set.  I am so adulty.  Though never again will I leave my door open.  Like EVER.  I don't want to rehome my cat, she's 13 and she loves pissing on things (our counters, for one).  She's not sick.  She's always done this.  Back when she was young, she'd spray, like a male cat.  Sick!  Dis cat, tho.  Wtf.  I love her, and I cannot fathom seeing her leave our house, but YUCK!!  I am buying a new mattress anyways, but still.  The fucker.  Sigh.  

My son got me the Bob's Burger's 3 album set (with a bonus 45 that's white!) and my hubby got me some Fantastic Mr. Fox stickers and a Coraline dash dancer.  I got all movie/TV related stuff!  All my favs!!  

Okay, I am off to listen to my audiobook and go to sleep.  I am so tired.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight :)  

Merry Christmas Eve, ya'll!  I hope it's going well for you.  My day has been uneventful, just the way I like it!  

Sure, I got testy with my mother today, over the fact she keeps fucking with my stuff (I had to tell her to knock it off).  I find that I have to keep putting stuff in my room because she thinks she's entitled to mess with my things, which makes my room a fucking mess.  BUT I've had enough.  My room looks like a disaster zone and that's it.  I am done with it.  She will leave my shit alone and if she doesn't,  I will store shit in the basement and she'll have no access to it at all.  From now one, that's where the crackers and cereal will go, because my bedroom is not a fucking pantry.  This time, she was getting into my open-air drawers and pulling out all my Ziplock bags and removing the boxes and letting the bags just fly all around the drawer.  Not only that, she stole like 50 of my 100 bag pack.  She didn't even ask first.  So I had to tell her to knock it off.  

Also, she said today "I miss cooking a turkey for Christmas" and I almost burst out laughing.  But I did reply "I don't".  Her turkey was dry, undercooked, and she was a BITCH whenever she made any holiday dinners.  Why would she miss that?  I sure fucking don't.  Because she loves being a bitch, that's why.  Now, she has nothing to do at all, and that's just the way I like it.  

The kids are mulling some wine right now.  I am going to make the Stove-Top chicken casserole and we'll be getting all the gifts together in bags for tomorrow.  We're listening to Christmas music and I am baking bread from scratch (it didn't rise!! I think I killed the yeast on accident).  We'll have hot cocoa later and maybe play some board games.  It will be nice.  

Tomorrow I'm making lasagna and garlic bread (I am having tortellini--as I can't handle all that flavor with my acid reflux) and we'll be opening gifts.  My mother has a HUGE amount of gifts, many of which are things she just needs, but some are things she'll like.  It'll keep her happy for a bit.  She yelled at me the other day and threatened me (like her old self), but she's calmed down since, thank goodness.  

I've been making YouTube videos (of my dogs and of an idea I am trying out).  I've also been reading and starting a new scarf I'm knitting--I also found a new hat pattern for crochet I'm going to try).  I've been feeling so much better, I only have a tiny bit of pain left, and I hope it stays that way.  

I hope 2024 brings good health and happiness for everyone reading this (and writing this! ha!) and everyone else, too.  2023 was hard for my family, we lost three dogs and had health issues.  But I am hoping 2024 will be nice.  Oh, and I don't think we'll ever have a white Christmas here again, as the weather changed like 7 years ago and now it's like 50 degrees each year.  This year, it's been humid and foggy, which is pretty cool, and I hope it happens every year.  But I feel bad for all the kids on break who don't get to play the snow!  Growing up, it was always full of snow by now.  But nowadays, we don't get snow until January and the snow stays until spring.  But maybe we won't even get that?  This is why we're moving north.  They predicted our area will be in the new "heat zone" by 2030.  And it's going to get crazy here.  So, off we go to a state with better healthcare and better weather.  Any suggestions?  We're thinking Michigan or Minnesota.  

Okay, have a great Christmas y'all.  Let's hope mother behaves.  Your mother, too.  

Well, what the fuck?  Mr. Brooks and I were sick for two weeks in November, and now I've been sick for almost two weeks, starting on the 25th of November.  And this time?  It was bad, mainly because I could barely eat for all this time, which make me weak and feel utterly horrible and I ended up losing 15lbs.  I had a bacterial food poisoning called something I cannot pronounce and it had made me sick for around a week.  I have never had food poisoning last that long.  And I never want it again! 

I had two round of antibiotics, the first which fucked with my intestines and my stomach so badly that I had to the ER several times (twice was for dehydration and once for blood in my stools--tmi, I know, but that bacteria will do that to you).  Then on top of it, we all got Covid and then on top of that, I supposedly passed a kidney stone.  And on top of all of that that, the entire thing gave me a UTI, then I got another UTI right away and I don't even know if the second round of antibiotics worked yet.  Holy fucking shit.  I am so done with this.  I just want to get healthy again, be able to eat properly, and stay healthy!!!  I am eating better now, but it's still hard as I get super bloated very easily.  And my digestion is still screwed up.  

Christmas is a few days away and we've barely done anything, and we've been playing catch-up all week.  Now they all expect me to make lasagna for Christmas, and I can't even eat it!  Ugh.  At least my husband gets 4 days off of work, and hopefully we'll all not be sick or in pain or whatever.  I just want to have fun.  I feel like I am being punished for something, yet I don't know what.  

Anyways.  

Mother is back to her old self, giving me digs at everything I do for her.  This is isn't big enough.  These aren't right.  Blah blah blah.  I don't even care.  I just care about getting and staying healthy and having fun with my family.  

Christmas is in a few days, she has the most presents.  She gave me a list to take her to the store to go pick out $100 worth of scratch and win tickets (lottery) and she doesn't know it yet, but I am never buying tickets again.  They never win and the last time she won?  She used the money to give her to BFF Christmas to go buy her contraband behind my back.  So nope.  No more cash for her.  So, I went to the resale shop yesterday with my youngest and my hubby and we all bought stuff for ourselves from her to give us.  Granted, I didn't get myself anything, but we did get my hubby things and my oldest and I bought her a ton of shit.  Why?  Because I like buying gifts for people, esp. when they are easy to buy for.  AND they are all things she actually needs.  I will buy stuff for my youngest and myself tomorrow.  I would have today, but after going to the store and a doctor's appointment with my hubby, I was wiped and had to come home and take a nap.  Getting my strength back while having so much to do really sucks.  

Though, I did feel great for most of the day, so that's good.  

Also, I am drinking lots of water to help any lingering UTI symptoms flush out of me.  So, a large of my day is spent peeing.  Which is a good thing right now.  

I am still tired, even after my short nap.  So I am playing a video game.  When I am done, I will finish my book that I am almost done with and then I can start another one.  I could have read it in a day, but I was so tired yesterday, too.  We did decorate for Christmas the other day, so that was nice.  I never thought we'd get it done.  My youngest son helped me do everything, which was amazing, otherwise we'd still have autumn/Halloween decor up.  Each day I am getting stronger and eating more, thank goodness.  I still have pain my urethra, but I hope that goes away soon and I don't get another UTI for a long, long time.  Taking new medication gives me massive anxiety, which is something I had to deal with the entire time I was sick.  It was not fun.  

Okay, off to go play my video game.  And maybe if I feel better, I'll bag up some of mother's gifts tonight, but we'll see.  I have like 5 days, so it will get done.  I don't need to push myself.  

Right now I am playing "Child of Light" on Steam, but I am not sure if I like it yet.  It's beautiful, but it's RPG style, which I am not fond of.  I didn't realize that when I bought it.  Maybe if I knew what I was doing better I'd like it more?  I don't know.  I prefer more story-driven and open-world games, like "Life is Strange" or "Horizon Dawn/Forbidden West" or "Dragon Age Inquisition".  My kids call me a "casual gamer", but when I play, I can play for hours on end, so I don't really feel that's all that casual LOL  I hate first person shooters, but anything melee or open world, or story driven, or games with gorgeous graphics I absolutely love.  I also love Stardew Valley and Minecraft.  I guess when I look online for what you'd call me, I found that I am an "explorer" as I am all about exploring maps and storylines.  But yeah, I would still be considered a casual gamer :)  

Okay, off to go wake myself up and make dinner.  Fun! 

The other day my mother asked me for vinegar.  I figured why, but I was in the middle of talking to my kids so I didn't get a chance to answer her.  Then she left a long note about how and why she wanted the vinegar, which is silly and weird (but totally like her) even though I am the person who cleans her coffee pot each month or so.  She knows damn well I will never give her my vinegar as it's like $4 a bottle and she will waste it on random things, which she loves to do.  Back in the day, vinegar was less than a $1 a bottle.  Now it's 3x the price.  So yeah, I safeguard that shit like gold.  I need it for cooking and cleaning, and she can't just be in charge of things like that.  

Anyways, I take the machine outside on our side porch, fill it full of vinegar, and let it run through.  I go back to my room and my mother comes knocking at my door, doing her fake-ass "OMG I DIDN'T MEANT FOR YOU TO CLEAN IT!  OH WOW!"  "I always clean it, ma."  "OH I KNOW!  BUT I KNOW YOU ARE SO BUSY AND I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO MAKE YOU DO IT!"  Blah blah blah blah.  Oh.  My.  Fucking.  God.  She's sooooooooo damn fake that I want to scream.  Next time, I am going to.  I am going to say "Look here, stop it.  You sound so fake when you talk like this.  You know damn well I clean your coffee pot (or whatever it is she's going on about) and so this fake-sounding gushing is just not needed.  If you need this done, tell me, I'll do it, and that's that.  There never has to be anything said about me doing it.  Just a thank you.  That's it.  I am tired of hearing this."  I know it will piss her off, but hey, I don't care.  I can't stand listening to this fake gushing anymore.  

So, we go to the store and I pour the hot vinegar back into the well to let it run through again.  We have HARD water and we need to run it through like four times for it to fully clean.  Which is something my mother always did growing up, too.  She taught me that.  So, I get home and the fucking machine is gone.  

I marched in, and there is she is, running water through the thing, stinking up the whole house like hot ass vinegar, which is why I normally clean it at night so nobody has to smell that putrid shit.  So I walk up, yank the cord out of the wall and say "What are you doing??"  She said "It was done."  I said "No, it needs more run throughs, and now you've wasted half a gallon of vinegar.  Thank you.  When I am working on something, let me do it, you do not need to intervene.  

She said nothing.  But then said "You only need to run it through once."  I almost laughed at her.  She lies when she gets put on the spot anymore.  Never an apology.  "Sorry, I won't do that again."  Never.  

Yes, I got overly mad over something stupid, because in reality, it's not a big deal--to most people.  But just the sheer fact that she went through my son's room to go out on his porch to retrieve her pot, even though she knows damn well I will get it done, just grinds my gears.  I know why she did it.  She knows that I can't stand the smell of hot vinegar.  She knows that.  And that's why I don't let her clean it.  And she knew that by bringing it into the house and running water through it right away it would make the entire house stink.  She wanted to make me angry.  And she wanted to show me that since I won't let her do it herself, she was going to do at least part of it herself without my permission.  Well, from now on, when we leave the house, both my kids bedrooms will be locked, my bedroom will be locked, the basement is locked and the garage.  That way she can't get into shit that's not hers to mess with.  I am so tired of this, not being able to trust her. 

It's not about a coffee pot.  It's not about the vinegar.  It's the fact she knew how much that smell makes me sick and she wanted to make me sick, to punish me, to show me that I am not in control of her or her things.  That's also why she was gushing.  She only gushes when she's annoyed.  She pretending to be overwhelmed with gratitude because she wants to point out that a) she thinks I am never busy and that I don't do enough (by over-the-top gushing about the exact opposite) and/or b) she wants to pretend like she's not angry, so she overdoes the gushing.  She thinks that it covers up her anger, when in reality, she's just pointing it out.  Deep down, she's livid, all day every day, that I don't allow her to wash clothes, wash dishes, mop the floor, etc. etc.  Or that I don't allow her to use bleach in the house.  

The funny part is that she hardly cleans anyways.  I would get it more if she was an avid cleaner, but she's not.  She only wants to clean things she's not allowed to clean (like my stove).  It's freaking annoying when there are plenty of things to clean that she can clean, but just won't do it and only wants to clean things to start a fight.  It never works, as I get to the cleaning before she can even try to do it.  

Ugh.  Anyways, that's the coffee pot caper.  We thought for a moment someone stole it, but then I laughed thinking "Who would even do that?"  Turns out, it was a batty old woman who wanted to smell up the house.  

Next time?  I will clean it at night, like I always do.  And from now on, my son's door will be 100% locked whenever we leave.  I really don't know if she's still getting into his room and rummaging around, like she used to.  So, now I know I can't trust her at all.  We were only gone like fifteen minutes max, too.  How did she eat all her dinner, go outside to smoke AND get her coffee pot to clean it out?  She had to have hurried up to eat and smoke to get it all done. 

Like I said, when she doesn't listen, I take away her access to the thing she's not listening about.  So rather than yell at her and never get a single apology anymore, she just can't have access to do the things she's not supposed to do.  It solves my problem with no arguments.  Well, minus the fact I was pissed when I smelled all that vinegar smell in the house when I got home (it can give me migraines, that and bleach).  But that was justified.  Although, that's exactly what she wanted.  So she won that match.  Dammit.  

Okay, off to go clean things before my mother tries to do put something covered in feces on my things to "clean" them with (she will use a toilet brush to clean my stove...not an actual toilet brush, just a scrub brush she uses for the toilet!! yuck!!!!).  

My kids are going to Germany next year.  Or, at least they're planning on it.  They are getting their passports soon and are going to be working on saving money until then so they have plenty of money to bring with them.  Neither one has been on a plane before, nor have they ever been out of the country.  And both have severe anxiety.  But all their friends live in other countries, most in the UK, and they are all meeting up next summer for a concert, which they all bought tickets for.  And they'll be sharing an AirBnB in Germany for however long.  

Am I worried?  Oh yes.  I am terrified.  But I can't let my own anxiety dictate their lives.  They are adults and while they live under our care, they are still in charge of their own lives.  And I had always planned on taking an airplane at their age to go somewhere, but I never did, and now, I never will.  I don't want them to live with regret of not even trying.  Granted, it may come down to the wire and they may not go, but that's okay.  At least they tried.  And they will get loads of life experience from now until then doing what they need to do in order to go.  So that's worth something, too.  

Anxiety sucks.  And being autistic you will always have anxiety.  It's makes up a part of who you are.  My husband and I and both kids have it (ASD), as does my ex, my hubby's parents, and both my birthparents.  And, I do suspect my mother has it, too.  It would explain a lot (ASD mixed with NPD is never good).  It will manifest in different ways for different autistics, but there's always some, somewhere in our lives.  For many of us, it's constant.  My oldest son got on meds at 17 and it changed his life.  I tried meds after that (I have a phobia of taking medication) and none worked for me and some I have very bad reactions to (not like allergic reactions, but brain reactions--like hearing voices--yay me!).  In fact, the meds my son is on are the ones who give me the bad reactions.  Good thing he didn't inherit whatever DNA I have that causes that part.  My hubby's on meds, too, but they don't work for him as much as they do for our oldest.   My youngest is on meds, but very minor ones that also help him sleep.  And I am on nothing.  But my oldest has fast acting meds (not xanax, thank goodness) that work wonders for him when he's having breakthrough panic attacks, so that will help him on the plane ride over.  

Right now I am fully accepting we spent money on these tickets and they won't end up going.  I fully expect that.  But see...I am not like my mother.  I will not squash his (or either of their) dreams just because the most likely scenario won't work out for them going.  I want to give my children wings, not keep them in a cage (though the cage is nice and calm and safe and peaceful, but still).  I refuse to tell them "Hey, you know you won't go anyways, so why waste the money??".  But the thing is, I don't actually know that.  I can make an educated guess, sure.  But that doesn't make it real or fact.  I want to keep my brain in the "What if they actually go?" mode.  And how wonderful that would be for them.  How memorable it would be.  How they'd have that story to add to their life story to tell their grandchildren one day (or someone's grandkids-I can't predict if they will have kids of their own or not).  That's the mode I will stay in.  I will do everything to help them actually go.  I will remind them renew their licenses, get their passports, apply for jobs, etc.  I will be fucking supportive, goddammit!  Even though every fiber of my being is terrified of them doing something so big.  

The first time they went somewhere on their own was going to the grocery store with our neighbor on bikes.  The entire time I was TERRIFIED and almost cried.  Yes, I am so horribly anxious that I could not stop pacing at my window, waiting for them to come home.  And they were fine.  

The first time I left them home alone, due to the fact my mother refused to watch them, even though they were old enough to take care of themselves and entertain themselves, I was glued to my phone the entire time.  "What if they burn the house down?"  "What if someone breaks in?"  "What if they hurt each other?"  I was more scared of them fighting than anything, but they didn't.  And twice a month, during our anxiety support group meetings (funny, right?) for the next four years, they stayed home alone from then on, and never once broke anything, got hurt, and nobody broke in.  

Now, could something bad have happened either of those times?  Yes, of course.  And my kids could go to Germany next year and never come back, too.  But, they run that risk every time they leave the house, with or without me.  They could also get covid and bring it home with them.  There are a million scenarios in which terrible things could happen to any of at any given moment.  But, I can't let that be what motivates me to stop them from going to the country they've always wanted to see and to see a band in their home country that they love so dearly.  I can't be my mother, my father, my mother-in-law, or my father-in-law.  I can't be a shitty parent who lets my own fears and my own bullshit stop my kids from doing things in life.  

Look at me.  I am 46 years old and I am scared of everything.  I was taught to be scared of everything.  I was told I couldn't be anything in life or do anything in life.  I was kept down by my parents' fears and judgments.  And I missed out on so much.  Granted, I didn't miss out on being a mom (I've enjoyed all of it).  And I don't actually regret my life at all.  But still.  I can't let my own bullshit give my kids regrets, either.  Granted, if they choose not to go, I have to let them know it's not something to regret.  That someone else will fill it's place in their lives.  Maybe someone else.  Life happens either way and living with regret is not something anyone should do (unless you've done assholey things-but then you make amends so you can stop regretting it).  

I am okay with them going or not going.  I don't care how much money they waste.  They will try to push themselves out of their comfort zones.  They will test themselves to see what they're ready to do, or not.  And that's life experience all its own.  

I am terrified of them going.  But I will do what I always do in times of terrible fear: I will will sit and disassociate until they come back LMAO.  Then when they call and say "Come get us from the airport", I will let out the breath I will have been holding and all will be well again.  But that's what being a real parent is: Facing your fears by letting your kids be their own people.  And encouraging them to do so, even though it's terrifying.  

Next week we'll be getting my youngest son's new ID (his is expired) so they can work on getting their passports.  Then my oldest will be looking for a full-time so they can save money to go.  

So much change.  But that's a good thing.  We need change right now.  And this will be the stepping stone to get there, even if they don't end up going (who knows if they'll even like the people they'll be going with by then).  

Sigh.  Now it's time to relax and not think about it until I have to.  

Her: WHAT DID YOU ORDER?!  (she screams while waving her hands around, holding a box)

Me: I have no idea what you're talking about.  (I assumed she meant on Amazon?  But how did she know I ordered something on Amazon and what on earth would she be angry about?)

Her: WHAT DID YOU ORDER??!

Me: I am still confused here.  What are you talking about?

Her: I THOUGHT YOU ORDERED TEST STRIPS!  THEY SENT ME NEEDLES!

Me: What?  They sent you diabetic needles?  You don't even take insulin.  You take pills.  (I grab the box she ripped open from the bottom, with lancets falling out).  Ma, these are finger prickers.  They aren't needles.  They always send you these with your test strips.  

Her: NO THEY DON'T!

Me: Yes.  They do.  Here (I hand her the box of test strips from her pile of medicine in my room).  I just gave you the wrong box.  Sorry.

Her: Oh.  I'll just take these back and throw my old ones away.  

Me: Why?  They don't expire.  There is nothing wrong with them.  Just keep your old ones and I will give you this box when you run out.  

Her: (goes back into her room mumbling to herself)

There are days I wonder if she has dementia, then there are days like this.  I still can't say for sure it's 100% dementia (as she's on a lot of meds that mess with your memory--things her old neurologist wanted her to get off of, but she can't), but I can surely say that she has confusion attacks.  Though she will go through certain periods of time with more confusion attacks on a regular basis, and other periods of time where she seems fine.  That's the way of certain dementias, especially vascular.  But like I said before: vascular is over diagnosed and many people who have been diagnosed are found to have not had it after their deaths (from post mortem investigation).  

But whatever is causing the confusion and freaking out and forgetting, it doesn't matter.  My mother has memory issues, but more than that, she has understanding issues.  She doesn't understand most things anymore.  Which is one reason she can't see her doctors alone.  She doesn't understand when I tell her things or when she reads something online.  She gets so confused about things and sometimes, like this time, she gets angry about them.  I never yell back at her when she's mad about something (though her anger to my face has been few and far between lately, thank goodness) because I never know why she's mad.  Is it confusion?  Or is she just being a bitch?  She's not a bitch anymore, thank goodness. so I assume it's always confusion that's causing it.  Before, it was always her just being cruel or mean or rude or judgmental (aka, being a bitch).  But she's so much better now.  Not because she's "changed" due to some sort of self-introspection, but more due to the fact I've taken away everything she can bitch about so there's nothing left.  Also, she's nicer because she's scared of what I will do: like put her in a nursing home or have her committed if she's violent (which is what I told her I'd do if she was ever violent with me, or anyone else, again-and she knows I don't threaten anything, I tell the truth of what I will actually do).  

While I don't like being yelled at or accused of doing something wrong (which is exactly what she was doing here--accusing me ordering the wrong thing--rather than just inform me that I gave her the wrong thing), I am finding that I don't give two shits anymore.  Ever since I gave up needing to be on top of every single correspondence of hers that she has with people outside our house, for fear of them talking shit about me or planning something behind my back, I have chilled out on most things with her.  I just don't fucking care anymore.  Did I not please her with what I did for her?  I don't care.  Did I make her mad because (insert bullshit here)?  I don't care.  Did I do something wrong in her eyes?  I just don't fucking care.  I am not sure if I am turning a permanent corner or a partial (and temporary) one, but a corner has been turned.  

And I am glad.  My mother is batshit crazy, but I am her caretaker.  So, while I stopped caring about whether or not she approves of me as a human and a daughter, I am now getting her requests done faster and on time, rather than before when I'd let being overwhelmed take over and I'd take forever to get her anything or do something for her.  Now, most things are done same day.  I have stopped caring and in turn, my caretaking has gotten better.  And I think that's because I see this more as a job now than an obligation.  She's not anywhere as mean or as bad to me anymore, so I can learn to let it go and stop caring about it and just get the job done.  

Again, this could be a temporary or permanent way of feeling, I don't know.  But it's something.  And I am glad for the change.  

Yesterday, she didn't speak to me all day.  I assume she was either mad because of my note back to her or because she thought I was mad at her, and she was embarrassed.  I am mad at her.  But not actively.  I am just never not mad at her.  And her past actions just added to the already growing pit of idiocy that draws me further and further away from her.  I find it harder and harder to be cordial to her.  I mean, I am nice, but I no longer joke around with her or use a pleasant tone of voice with her.  Today, she was yakking my ear off because I bought her a bottle of fucking FIFTEEN DOLLAR hand creme and she was ecstatic.  I figured, she paid for it, so what do I care how much it costs?  If I had to pay for it, I would NOT have bought that brand.  But she's particular about her brands and doesn't really ask for much in the way of things like this (other than facial moisturizer, which I refused to buy for her--oh I bought her some, but I bought her the same kind I use, not the FIFTEEN DOLLAR brand she wanted).  So this time I gave in and just did it.  It better last her all winter.  If not, she's getting a cheaper brand next time. 

I don't regret giving her the note.  But I do need to search her room and find it (she has a doc appointment soon, I can do that) and throw it away.  If not, she will hold onto that shit forever.  The year I went no contact with her (2017), I gave her a Mother's Day card and wrote in it what she deserved.  Instead of throwing it away, she put it out with all her other cards and showed every single person who came into her house.  Sigh.  I mean, it was all about how she physically attacked me and I had to call the police on her, and she had ZERO shame about it.  She just wanted people to think I was a jerk...little did she know SHE looked like the abusive jerk by letting people know what she did to me.  So completely insane.  So, that's why I need to find this note and get rid of it, too.  Because who knows what she'll save it for (most likely to re-read for narcissistic supply later on).  But I don't regret writing it, as she deserved to know exactly how little I think of her.  AND she deserves to know exactly how much I know she lies to me.  She lives in her own little world and today has apparently forgotten everything, but I don't care.  It was worth writing her back after what she did.  

Anyways, tomorrow is Halloween and it's calling for snow and freezing temps, so I am GLAD I cancelled outdoor decorating for Halloween (after being sick all month).  I was going to tape off the driveway, but I may not have to.  I just wish it was a weekend so my hubby would be off.  Oh well, I will hopefully get to do stuff with my kids (though they are always busy with their friends, so we'll see).  Mother doesn't really care about Halloween as a holiday, so maybe she'll be good.  We'll see.

I will be making pumpkin bread tomorrow, along with some other type of festive something or other.  I do have pumpkin spiced chai we'll be drinking with our pumpkin bread.  I am going to put on some of those ambient Autumnal videos on the TVs and maybe we can play some sort of board game (we have so many!).  That sounds like fun.  Though my oldest has his weekly D&D game from 12-4, but maybe we'll do some before and some after.  Definitely want to watch 5 Nights at Freddy's with them.  We are ex-pagans who still sometimes celebrate Samhain, and we've lost three dogs this year, so I am going to plan on doing something for them, too (like create a little doggie altar).  

I also started a new book, so much of the day may be spent reading that.  

I hope your Halloween will be fun, even if you can't do anything due to the weather.  

Let's just hope Ye Olde Seahag is a good girl and stays nice.  But she's unpredictable so you never know.  But she has her new lotion, so she should be happy the rest of the week (ha!).  

My mother loves to lie to me.  She loves to say one thing and do another.  She loves to make promises and then go behind my back and break them.  She loves to be nice to my face, and pretend to care about me (though that's even hard for her anymore) and then turn around and immediately talk shit about me.  She's faker than a square circle (I got that from Chat GPT, btw, and I think that will be my new saying LOL).  And yesterday, I caught her in the act.  Again. 

So, back in the day I'd make her dinner and she'd feed over half of it to the cats and dogs.  And she'd go hungry and complain she's hungry.  I was like, I do not buy groceries to feed the pets, lady, this is YOUR dinner!  But she refused. So I removed all animals from her dinnertime.  

Then she got bored and asked to have them back.  

So I said okay.  But I told her, do not feed the dogs.  I normally don't let cats in the room while she eats, but last night one got through my defenses.  She promised she was not feeding my dogs.  And she remarked the other day about how the dogs "only got a little because the dinner was so good".  I said the dogs don't get ANY of her food, to please not feed the dogs.  I had already told her this, and apparently she thought it was okay to do whatever she likes.  Ever since I said that, I've been on her case about not feeding the dogs.  

So, I served her dinner, I said "Don't feed the dogs".  She said "I can't promise I'll remember that."  I said "Of course you will, they are NOT allowed people food."  She said "Why?"  I didn't answer her, as I do not owe her an explanation.  But it's like talking to a fucking brick idiot wall, and unless there is a good reason, in her mind, she never listens to me.  So, I turned on my video camera (something I haven't been doing in a long time).  And there she sat, giving my dogs her food.  

I was on the phone with Christmas, her BFF at the time, as she called to ask me how to clean a coffee pot.  I told her, and saw my mom feeding the dog, and so I went out there and said "Don't feed the dogs."  She smiled her shitty smile and said "Okay!"  I waked back into my room and saw her immediately do it again.  Sigh.  

This time, I stopped being nice.  

"What are you doing???"  She held her hands up as thought she was a criminal being caught by police.  She started laughing and put on her stupid "innocent face".  I yelled "What is WRONG with you??  I told you, you said okay, and you immediately do it again??  Do you not care about anyone but yourself?  I've told you for a long time my dogs are not able to have people food!   It gives then diarrhea!"  It's not a total lie, my dog is having issues with his butt glands, something I've never had a dog have issues with before, but it could be caused by his new food.  She said sorry, in a shitty voice.  I was livid!  Christmas heard me yelling and asked "Oh no, what did your mom do??"  I told her and she started in talking about her own dog having diarrhea, which made for interesting conversation.  I said some more things, like "I can't trust you" and "I can't believe you're like this".  But then I went back into my room and finished my conversation about dog diarrhea with Christmas.  Yay.

We hung up, my mother went to bed, and I went out and found this note: 

"Your right-----I'm Sorry----
I will not feed the dogs
anything---I can't feed the cats
so its only fair
I promise no more feeding---
Sorry Again 💗 Mom"

Notice that the sorry wasn't for anything other than being caught.  She didn't say "I know you already told me, and I didn't realize it was a big deal and I should have, I'm sorry" or something similar.  She just said "I won't do it".  But she already said "I won't do it" and promised me before, yet she still did it.  So, I flipped it over and wrote back: 

"You proved you aren't trustworthy.  I told you to stop, you said okay and did it again.  I cannot trust you.  You only care about what you want to do.  And nothing else.  No more animals during dinner.  Period.  You like lying too much to be trusted again."  

And I meant it.  Like I've said before, she never listens to me.  NEVER.  So, when she doesn't listen, I take away whatever it is she's abusing.  She was abusing the privilege of having my dogs in the kitchen with her during dinner, so that's stops.  All cats, too.  She eats alone from now on.  She brought this on herself.  And the moment I let her do it again, will be the moment she reverts right back to feeding the animals.  

Recently, she went behind my back and paid Christmas to buy her contraband she's not allowed to have.  So, if she brings it up today, I will remind her of how sneaky she thinks she is.  I will remind her that while she's not my child, she acts like she's my shitty little child, because even my own kids didn't act the way she does.  Funny, she used to tell me how sneaky I used to be as a kid.  I wonder where I learned it from?  But she's 76 years old.  Not 6.  She should have learned how not to act like a child by now.  

If the doctor tells her "Don't do this anymore" she will go home do exactly what the doctor tells her not to do, just to prove she can.  She's obstinate and acts like a baby.  

So, no more animals during dinner.  And no more trusting her at all.  She can look me in the face, agree with what I say, then go directly behind my back and do the exact opposite.  That's fucked up.  I can't trust her at all.  Like, ever.  

Here's the issue: there are things I don't care if she does.  I will tell her not to do them, but in reality, if it doesn't hurt anyone, what do I care?  Let her think she's getting away with everything.  I have video cameras.  So I know what she's doing.  But I let it go because in the grand scheme of things, it's not big deal.  Feeding my dogs wouldn't be a big deal if she actually ate her damn food.  Also, I am tired of her their begging.  My one dog is getting bold and stealing food out of your hand now, so I need to stop feeding him any kind of snackies, other than dog snackies.  So, this is a real thing, not giving my dog people food, for many reasons.  The one is hound breed, so he's quite the sniffer and is motivated by all things food (and sniffs).  Which is now motivating him to steal off people's plates and out of their hands.  Which is not okay.  

While I am done with letting her slide on shit, I also don't want this crap to take over my life, either.  I don't want to deal with having to constantly be on edge with her.  I took a break from phone calls entering the house (we were always home, so it was okay, my mom was never left without someone being in the house with her) so I didn't obsess about her talking shit about me behind my back to Christmas.  It has calmed my nervous down quite a bit and now I feel great and don't give two squats about what she says about me.  No more listening to phone calls (for now).  Though I am turning back on the two video cameras that I had turned off, just in case I need to check every now and then.  And I may tell her that, and may hint to the fact there may be a video camera outside, too LOL  That way when Christmas comes over, they know to shut their mouths about me.  

I just may get an actual camera for my front, though.  Just to make sure she's not wandering off, but also to keep our house safe (not just for her).  I have a fake one to put out back LOL  Though it's too cold now for them to outside chatting for too long.  Thank goodness.  

I don't want to catch her in the act of doing bad things anymore, I KNOW she's doing them.  What I want now is to prevent them from happening in the first place.  The act of catching someone, so you can prove they are the person you suspect they are, is hard work.  And it can literally drive you crazy.  So, I've caught her enough times to prove exactly who she is.  I know now.  I don't have to do that anymore.  So I accept she's this untrustworthy, awful person, but now what?  Now, I do whatever I can, meaning not everything possible, but whatever I can give in the moment, to stop it from happening.  But I have to accept it's still going to happen and I cannot care about it anymore.  I don't need to be hurt by her actions if I always expect those same actions from her.  

Remember my mantras?  "She cannot give more than what she is."  Or something like that.  She can't be a good person because she's not one, so I have to stop expecting her to be a good person.  She will never choose right when wrong is so much more exciting for her.  So, it's time to move on.  Let her be the bad person she is and move on with my life.  I cannot control her.  I can minimize the damage she causes, but I can't stop it completely.  So, I have my cameras and that's that.  I will find any contraband she brings into the house with her BFF's help.  And if Christmas ever brings her anything, I will ban her from coming over for a bit.  Like my mother being grounded.  

And that's all I need to do.  

Why do these idiots act so crazy?  I don't get it.  But that's the way it is and that's what I signed up for by moving here.  Sigh.  One day the dementia will get worse and none of this will matter anymore.  Though, things could get very, very bad eventually, but hopefully by then, she will be in a home.  

I do not need more stress in my life.  So when I saw my mother with the broom, dustpan, and her garbage can, I was worried.  No, let's back up.  I woke up to see the light on in the bathroom under my door.  That means the door was open.  I waited to see if the light turned off, and it did not.  So, I let my room and saw my mother in the bathroom, at the exact time my husband and I wake up everyday, in our only working bathroom, cleaning every inch of it.  Well...with a broom.  She wasn't actually "cleaning" anything, she was sweeping.  And hogging the bathroom, knowing damn well get up at that time.  She's up at 3 am, why not clean the  bathroom at 5?  Or some other ungodly hour when we're sleeping?  Nope.  Gotta do it right when Shay and Mr. Brooks are out of bed and need to pee.  

She wants attention, see.  She wants to make a big deal out of what she's doing, and point out exactly what she's doing, so people give her praise.  I never give her praise, as she never gives me praise when I clean anything (she does usually remark on it, in a rude way, though).  She also wanted to annoy us.  Which worked.  So I used the other bathroom.  The one that doesn't work.  And I made it work for a single time use.  She followed me down the hall saying "Oh, it's clear Shay!  You can use it!"  I just took my toothbrush and said "I'm good".  And I stayed in there until I thought she'd left.  Nope.  She was in the kitchen cleaning now.  

Oh no.  

Do you remember last Thanksgiving?  When she got a rageful hair up her ass to "clean" the second bathroom, even though she's not allowed to?  (if you're wondering why she's not allowed, there are so very many, many reasons why)  And then shoved a door into my back after I got home from the ER and I was in excruciating pain?  Yes.  That is why I was having so much anxiety over this. 

So, I took the baby gate and blocked off the bathroom door, hoping she'd get the hint.  

We had to leave to go return my library book, get a sparkly bird for my wreath, and get groceries.  And I said to my husband "Well, I hope she just chooses the right thing here, I can't stop her when I am not home."  And we left.  I didn't even think about it while I was gone, thank goodness.  But when I got home, the bathroom was not swept.  Phew.  

Normally she'll get out a bunch of cleaners and other shit I can't breathe in and fuck up the whole room, but this time, she just choose to do the right thing.  She may not think it's right, and that's okay.  The right thing, in this instance, was to listen to the fact I've told her over and over and over that she's not allowed to clean that room, period, ever.  

My mother has ZERO respect for my choices.  But this time, she didn't do it.  Thank goodness.  

Today is our anniversary.  I assumed she was gearing up, per usual, on a holiday of sort.  But she didn't.  She didn't even remember today is our anniversary.  She has it written on her calendar, along with two weeks ago her BFF's wedding anniversary, too.  She gave them a card (she had me send it) and my hubby and I got nothing from her.  Not even words.  THANK GOODNESS!  I am very glad to not include her on our private day.   I wish she'd always forget, whether it be on accident or on purpose.  Does it bother me?  Yes and no.  Yes, but because it's weird, but no, because that means that's less of a chance of her doing something stupid to ruin it.  

Why can't we have normal parents?  Or normal family members?  Why does everyone have to be so fucking narcissistic?  

Sigh. 

Oh well.  Life deals us what we get and we just have to deal with it.  

Well, happy almost 20th anniversary to my hubby!  At least he, and I, and the kids are semi-normal.  Though we all love each other and that's all that matters.  

Well, crisis averted.  I am glad, for once, she's given up on the whole bathroom thing.  The thing is?  She would go in there to clean it, when her bathroom was fucking filthy, all because I'd tell her not to and she was looking for a fight.  What a childish baby she is.  Well, last year, I threated to call 911 on her and have her committed and be sent to be evaluated for being violent, so I think that got into her brain enough to make her stop that horseshit.  

So, I am glad to see it's still working.  

Yesterday was utterly gorgeous outside.  It was humid and 80 degrees, much too hot in the beginning of the day.  But then the wind came, the temperature dropped, and the humidity stayed.  So me and my kids and a dog went to the park and it was magnificent!  It was so beautiful and wonderful that I just wanted to spin around in the park, not caring if anyone saw me.  But a big huge wind gust came as I was making friends with a 100 year old tree (for real, it's 100 year old maple) and I just closed my eyes and spread my arms out, as though I was flying.  I felt so good.  

But before we left, I had started cleaning my room, and when I came home, even though we walked so much (and I had barely gotten out of been in two weeks), I felt amazing, and so I took on even more cleaning.  And more.  Then, by the end of the night, my body started to realize that I was completely insane and I started to fall apart.  All those magical feeling I was having went right in the toilet and I felt like a garbage dump.  Stupid, stupid me.  And today, I certainly paid for it.  

I finally have a clean(ish) room, but I couldn't get out of bed all day, with extreme fatigue (like sleep attacks) and horrible dizziness and very bad brain fog.  I couldn't make my brain do anything.  I couldn't think right, speak right, or even see right.  This happens to me, when I push myself too hard.  I am not sure if it's a type of migraine with no pain mixed with some POTS issues, or if it's just POTS.  But it was horrible.  

My brain started to clear up, as it usually does, as night fell.  But not completely.  And my mother found me watching TV with headphones on (my son sleeps in the living room, as his room flooded last year)  and bothered me to look at her eye.  

"I'll go see it in the kitchen, there's no light in here." 

"Here, just look."

"I'll go in the kitchen to see where there's light." 

"There's a light right there," she points at my lamp. 

I am VERY light sensitive when I feel like this, and that little light from the Dollar Tree is very bright.  I lied and said it didn't work.  So she gave up and just told me the long, long story about how her cat scratched her eye (not her eyeball, but her lid), even though it was literally a five-second story.  Why is she like this?  Everything that happens to her has to be this HUGE story, rather than just a "Hey, my cat scratched my eyelid!".  It's like, what is she getting out of it?  My attention?  Well, she doesn't have that, as I am usually wandering off in my mind because she takes so long to get to the point.  Usually she'll tell one person, then the next time she retells it, it gets fibbier and bigger and more crazy.  She'll add details, add characters, or add to the temperament of the person or animal doing the thing she's complaining about.  She's a true storyteller.  Granted, her stories are annoying and stupid, but she likes to think she's great at it.  I think she just likes the attention.  Always has.  Always will.  Yay us.

Well, she trotted off to bed after that, after going through my son's things, wandering through his room, even though he was going to bed and wanted her to leave (he didn't say it like that, but she knew).  And now I am left, at 8:13pm, not feeling well enough to make dinner, but my oldest son went to sleep and he's the only person who can drive other than my husband right now (my license is expired...oops!).  So, we can't go get anything.  Sigh.  I can't order delivery, as we live out in the boonies and most places don't deliver here.  And Walmart will, but they never show up on the right day, so I can't count on that.  Even if I order for 1-hour delivery!  I hate our Walmart.  They hire nothing but dumbasses who never deliver things right.  Not sure what to do.  We'll figure out something. 

So, I have to learn to not push myself so hard.  But if I don't do it all at once, it will never get done.  That's how I see it.  And now I have my work desk available to make more handmade journals to sell, so that's an amazing feat (it's not completely "clean", but "available", which means "good enough" in Shay-speak LOL).  But I guess in order to have what I need to function, I have to pay the price.  Which is annoying.  But as long as it doesn't last, I can take a day to rest if that means I get a nice payoff for it.  

I mean, I guess.  I wish I were normal, but I am not, so there it is.  So, here is a picture of my workspace.  It looks insane, but there is literally nowhere else to store any of these things I need to make what I make LOL This is not including my three-drawer cart that's down a bit closer to my door that holds all my other stuff I need, too.  And yes, it's a filter, I do not live in a cartoon and those things don't have faces on them.  But it's to pretend they do, right?  And that blue banana thing on the top?  Is a large gnome dressed in a black cat suit for Halloween from Dollar Tree (my kids keep calling him a "furry" haha).  

And that round thing on the left, that looks like a plate full of stuff is a wreath I'm working on LOL  This app is quite hilarious and makes your mess look like fun!  Yay!  It won't be this messy when I am working, but for now, it's storing stuff I need to put away (like those blue shopping bags where the one has a face on it).  

Well, that was my day today.  I hope tomorrow I'll remember to call the places I need to call and feel better while doing so.  

Yesterday I didn't take any pain relievers until bedtime, so I am on the mend, FINALLY.  Fifteen days after starting with this adenovirus.  Mr. Brooks is getting better.  But today, he gets a migraine!  Yay!  He's just starting to feel better only to be bedridden again.  Sigh.  Not fair, but migraines never are.

The symptoms of adenovirus are very similar to covid-19, so it's easy to believe you have covid (again), which we did and both got tested and we were both negative.  It all started with a sore throat that literally lasted the entire duration.  Like someone stabbing me in my tonsils.  Then there was the deep nasal congestion with postnasal drip that was so horrendous that made my actual throat start hurting.  I could breathe through my nose, but it was constantly in the back of my nose near my throat.  Then it moved into my sinuses.  Also the constant sneezing (though that could be a "me" thing, as I am a ridiculous sneezer, even when I am healthy).  But mostly it was the coughing.  The bronchial spasms.  I had them all two weeks and today, now that I am a LOT better, I realize I have a pulled muscle in the back of my throat from coughing so much, and it hurts so freaking bad.  And my nasal passages were so dry my nose would bleed.  But eventually then my nose would start running and would get stuffed up.  Then came the headache, which I think may have been a migraine that lasted for days (as I had a sore spot on the back of my head where it hurt, which can happen after a migraine).  I wasn't tired though.  Which I found strange, as I eventually was getting almost no sleep at night, due to my post nasal drip that was so bad that it triggered me into all night pharyngeal spasms (where your throat closes and shuts off to prevent you from drowning).  That was the absolute worst part of it all.  Feeling like I'd never get sleep again.  I did stay up almost 24 hours one night due to to this.  I still have this issue a little bit.  Then came the conjunctivitis.  For some reason the conjunctivitis, both times we've gotten this bad adenovirus (though this one wasn't as bad as last time), came at the end of the sickness.  Viral conjunctivitis isn't like bacterial conjunctivitis.  It can't be treated with any sort of antibiotic cream or anything (but is highly contagious) and doesn't always have that red bump you get on the lash line.  The last time I got this from adenovirus it was pretty bad.  This time was very minor.  

Gross, I know.  But I want a record of this so if I ever get it again, I can look back at my symptoms and realize I've been through it before.  It helps my anxiety.  Of course, my mother fawned over my husband being sick, grilling us on him going to the doctor, but never ONCE said a fucking word about me being sick.  Even though my bronchial spasms were insane I couldn't catch my breath when coughing...she heard me.  She knew I was sick.  But see, she wanted me to know that she didn't care.  Well, point taken, Seahag.  I mean, I already knew this, but now that my hubby and I were sick together at the same time, she really showed her true colors the way she worried so much about my husband and never said a word about me being sick to either me or anyone else for that matter.  Once again, she's in the running for Mother of the Year award.  

So, we decided, due to being sick for half of the month with only ONE WEEK LEFT OF OUR FAVORITE MONTH, we're cancelling Halloween.  We are BIG Halloween people and really went all out last year with a project and everything, but I cannot and will not force myself to do a bunch of work, only to have to take it down a week later.  I don't even know if I could do it anyways, as I get winded when I walk around too much.  Fucking annoying, but it is what it is, and we'll do Halloween better next year.  

Now I just have to bring the candy back.  If I could only find my receipt.  

Instead, I am going to work on my Halloween village (it's very small) that I am going to make.  I've got everything I need, and I watched a bunch of YouTube videos on it, so I have some new ideas.  So, I just have to find a place to work on it (oooh my garage!), and it will be fun.  That way I get to participate in the season, without having to do any manual labor (just creative labor, which I prefer).  I will post pictures on here as I go.  

I had to take Tylenol today because of that pulled muscle in my throat, as it hurts, but not because I feel sick enough to need it.  Thank goodness.  Hopefully this pain will go away soon, and we'll start to get our strength back, and we'll be able to participate in autumnal activities (like the apple orchard--I want to pet goats!).  

Okay, we'll my kids are doing their WWII reenacting (they do it every weekend), my hubby is sleeping with his migraine, my dogs are napping, and the Seahag is seahagging it up somewhere.  So I am on my own.  Do I want to read outside?  Or do I want to clean?  Well, I think I'll do both.  Though cleaning means the Seahag will eventually find me and bother me, so that's fun.  But I've been sick for two fucking weeks and I haven't been able to do much of anything, so I know we need cleaning done.  I did do a little yesterday, so maybe I'll just do smaller bits today, too.  If I push myself, I'll feel wiped and horrible, and that's not what I want for my Sunday Funday.  

Okay, so a little big of organization.  A little bit of cleaning off the kitchen table area (we live out in the country so there's bags of things to burn--I can do one instead of all of them).  Clean out my son's laundry basket I stole for nefarious purposes and give it back to him.  And then set up a table in the garage to get started on my spooky village!  My neighbor sold me these little clay houses I'm going to use for it.  Then I can read later.  I'm on the last book of a series I'm reading.  Oh!  I will listen to an audiobook while I paint the houses!  Yes.  That way I can smell two birds with one nose (it's better than killing them, right? what kind of psycho throws stones at birds?).  Speaking of birds, I want to make friends with a crow.  Not sure how I will accomplish that, like ever, but that's not for today to worry about.  That's project for another time.  Today I have another things to do.  Let's see how much I get done. 

We don't have covid, but whatever this upper respiratory infection is, it's really annoying.  We've been sick since October 6th!!  It's been 9 days!  This isn't fun at all.  Mr. Brooks took yesterday off of work again so we could both go to the immediate care.  And the lady was kind of crazy.  What it is with crazy doctors who work at the immediate care places??  We've had so many!  She diagnosed with me with a "slight heart murmur", which is crazy because I just saw my heart doctor in August and had a heart monitor in June.  But I called my heart doctor just to be safe and see what's up. 

Well, today I woke up not feeling like actual balls, like I did yesterday.  So, that's something.  I also started to feel WAY better yesterday during the day, too, which was great.  Let's hope today goes well, too.  

I am heading out to the home store in a minute to go pick up a shed for our backyard.  And some other stuff I need.  I just need Mr. Brooks to wake up so we can go.  

I hope we're both heading towards wellness soon, too.  As this sickness is just awful.  Ugh.  My throat hurts and I'm still coughing with bouts of coughing fits and Mr. B. is just all around sick still.  I just want us both to be healthy again.  I bought him N95 masks for work so maybe that will stop him from getting more goddamned sicknesses from there, which is where we got this one and covid last year.  

I just want this be done with.  I want to be healthy again.  Ugh. 

My youngest's birthday was yesterday.  It was boring, as my husband and I are still sick (we don't have covid, but it sure feels like it considering it's been over a week now and how bad we feel).  Which made me feel so guilty.  But my son had fun with his brother and their friends.  It was quite hilarious to hear a bunch of dudes singing Happy Birthday to my son all together, without any prompting from anyone LOL  It's been so long since he's had a group of friends to spend his birthday with.  I am so happy they found these guys (the last bunch--who were my oldest's friends that my youngest sometimes hung out with--were freaking awful and I hope they all get arrested at some point in their lives--and they will, no doubt).  These new group of guys (and a girl) are very cool and all have a lot in common.  And unlike the last group, they aren't toxic and evil (one of those little shits from the old group called my father-in-law and pretended to be my oldest son and said he was in the hospital and dying after a car accident!).  

My youngest son has severe social anxiety and these guys have been my oldest son's friends for about a year (or possibly more) and after them all prodding my youngest for, well, mostly the entire time, he finally relented and started doing stuff with them.  And now they're all friends and he even hangs out with them alone, without his brother.  I think that's so cool and I could not be happier.  And I am so happy he had fun with them on his birthday!  It made me feel good to know that us being sick didn't ruin it for him.

My mother, on the other hand, has been hyper and demanding and bringing up shit I thought we had curbed her of, but I guess not.  And yes, she did bring up the fact that she didn't get any scratch tickets on my son's birthday, just like I predicted she would, and it was right in front of my son as he was opening his card with the tickets in it (and he did win $25, making a $5 profit, though!).  How more selfish can you get? 

First of all, she's been babbling again lately.  Which if fine.  It's been raining here for a FREAKING WEEK and she's not been able to play outside, which she normally does daily.  So she's bored, and annoying.  But man, do I enjoy the silence when she's busy doing something other than talking to me.  Because talking to me doesn't mean just "talking" to me.  It means badgering me about dumb things as well as coming up with lots of various silly ideas.  

She even asked to have her own Echo Dot (she asked for an Alexa, as that's what she thinks they're called).  I didn't say no, but she can't even work her own TV anymore.  How on earth would she figure that out?  Alexa about 80% of the time doesn't listen to me.  So, if the same happened to my mom, she'd be at my door giving me it back to get rid of (because the minute something doesn't work, she gets angry at it and throws it away).  Also, she has a CD player right on her nightstand and has her BFF bring over CDs to listen to.  Does she listen to them?  Nope.  She doesn't like music.  So why does she need or want an Echo Dot?  Sigh. 

Then, like I said, she asked why she didn't get any scratch lottery tickets for my son's birthday.  I, again, didn't answer her.  Oh wait, never mind, yes I did.  I said "I wonder why that is?"  She kept feigning ignorance in a silly way, showing me she KNOWS why she's not allowed to have lottery tickets anymore (as she used the cash from her last ones to go behind my back and ask her BFF to buy pet supplies for her that she's not allowed to have).  I just ignored her after that and walked away.

Then she badgered me about my husband being sick, pretending she was worried about him, which she wasn't (as she never actually worries about anyone) and kept getting on my case about him seeing a doctor, which he already had.  She had already asked him twice to go to the doctor, and then came and bothered me about it.  My husband told her he already had went, but whatever is stuck in her fucking hearing sockets caused her to either not hear him or not believe him, and she then came and bothered me about it.  When I told her he already went, she kept asking what doctor, where it was it at, what day did he go, etc.  What the fuck?  A) noneyabusiness and b) whydoyoufucking care?  Know what?  I was sick all week too, but did she say ONE WORD about that?  Nope.  Only about him.  Showing me, once again, that he matters more to her than I do.  Like I care LOL  The only reasons it bothers me are that a) it's fake and b) it makes him horribly uncomfortable because we know it's all fake concern.  

Then today, after standing at my door and screaming my name a bunch of times and then badgering me about cigarettes, and god knows what else, she asked me to do the dishes.  Not me to do them, her.  She asked if SHE could do the dishes.  

What the holy goddamned hell is going on here? 

If you're new to my blog, know that I stopped allowing my mother to do the dishes over a year ago due a myriad of reasons.  Here they are:

1. She doesn't clean them right.  They are always filthy when she's done.  Some I swear she puts back in the cabinet dirty without washing them at all.  And when I'd bring that up, she'd act all sneaky about it, like smiling and saying "Oh, really?"  You know she did it on purpose to make us mad.
2. One time, she pulled the fucking dirty dish cleaners (I used luffa at the time) OUT OF THE GARBAGE to use on the dishes.  She denies it, but nobody else did it, so I know it was her (nobody else did the dishes at the time, and nobody else would ever in a million years yank them out of the garbage to use).  How fucking sick is that???  I shudder just thinking about how dirty our dishes must have been whenever she cleaned them!!  Oh, she always wants to clean my stove, too and I found out she was using the SAME BRUSH on it as she uses to clean her toilet!!!!  WHAT THE FUCK??!   Yuck yuck yuck yuck!!
3. If I give in and let her do them one time (which makes me giggle, as read #1 and #2 as to why that would never EVER happen), she will then think she can do them every single day from now until forever.  That's how my mom is: give an inch and she won't just take a mile, she'll take the entire fucking world.  
4. And lastly, but not leastly (and definitely most importantly) she acts like an irate lunatic when she does the dishes.  Or really when she does anything.  Like cook holiday dinners or cook any meals or clean rooms or vacuum or really anything at all.  She will yell and scream and blame and use the act of whatever she is doing to bash, accuse, and abuse everyone around her, but mostly my oldest son.  See, my oldest son is her scapegoat in the this house.  I used to be public enemy #1 to her, and my son was #2, but now she can't be mean to me to my face anymore, so she uses my son for this.  Who ignores her.  But she's been better with that, too.  BUT, if I give her back an ounce of power?  Sigh.  We all better watch out because all this rage she's been holding in for the past year (a year ago she had a breakdown and physically assaulted me) will come out and she will let it all loose.  So no, she's never doing my dishes, making us a meal, baking holiday cookies/bars, cleaning areas that are not hers, or having any kind of power over us, whatsoever, ever, ever, EVER AGAIN.  You'd think dishes would be a safe activity for someone to do.  But not my mother.  It's just another excuse to gain control over us.

Today Christmas called my phone to see if she could come over today (even though I've told her twice recently to call one to two business days before she wants to come over so I can prepare).  But today when she called I was sleeping.  My hubby is super sick, like gross sick.  Reminds me of how bad we felt with covid (yet we don't have covid).  I am getting over being sick, though I was never as bad as him.  He's awful.  He was even off of work for almost the entire week because of it.  He's back today, but really shouldn't be.  

I didn't answer the phone.  She left a message about asking to come over and said she was going shopping and would call me back afterwards.  I called her back and left the message that we're all sick and she can't come over and to call me back if she wanted to.  Instead, she called my mother back, but my mother didn't answer.  I honestly wonder if she was calling to ask my mom if I was lying (though you could hear on the phone how sick we are--unless she thought I was faking).  She didn't call me back and tomorrow is my youngest son's birthday, so she's not coming over this weekend.  If she has an ounce of brains she wouldn't ask again for a week, knowing I said we're really sick.  But she's an idiot so how much you want to bet she will ask again tomorrow?  

Anyways, mother has been acting up all week because it's someone's birthday.  Remember when I posted about how she wanted to show me something she wanted to buy my son (with the added "Well, I want to get something, too, from there")?  She never asked me again about it.  Then she asked my husband to take her to the gas station to get her scratch tickets for him on Wednesday after her food doctor appointment.  He said no, as this is something I knew she'd do and warned him against.  She doesn't want to just buy him tickets, she wants to buy herself tickets, too.  Like always.  Buying other people items means buying herself items.  I would love to be able to let her go shopping, but she's literally insane with money.

Although, this Christmas (the holiday, not her BFF), I will buy her all new shirts.  I will clean out her closet, get rid of her ratty old crap and fill it with new cute things.  Now, I know she loves to shop.  But she shops like she's a millionaire with no budget.  If I bring her to Walgreens, the resale shop, or Family Dollar or even the gas station, she will spend at least $100.  Back when I first took over her money, she said "I need spending money each month!"  I said "Okay, but your cigarettes are included in that.  I will give you $50 extra."  She said "OH MY GOD!  I NEED AT LEAST $200!!"  And I laughed and laughed and laughed and she literally could not fathom why I thought that was insane.  She had to pay rent, half of the utilities, her car payment, her phone payment, her car insurance payment, her life insurance, and other payments to pay each month.  Also, I had an account set up that we both contributed to so we could pay for house repairs (that I forced on her, she didn't want to do it).  She doesn't make that much money so the idea she could just run around spending $200 on random bullshit every single month (she's a hoarder) was just nuts.  She doesn't even have hobbies, so what was she spending that money on before?  Oh I know!  She wasn't paying her fucking bills!  She lost her life insurance AND her car insurance due to this spending habit, and then her car was totaled.  Do you think she just gave up?  HA!  She ran out and bought a new car without telling me.  Which the bank has back at this time.  She couldn't even pay her car insurance, but then went and got a new car loan??  What the hell was wrong with her?

What is it with these narcissistic old people and making poor decisions?  Oh wait, they've always made poor decisions!  So, how is it that they live so damn long??  If I had made the kind of terrible decisions that my parents did/do all their lives?  I'd have gotten myself maimed or fallen off a cliff a long time ago.  I mean, I live so carefully so stupid things don't happen to me.  And yet here is the fourth stooge doing all sorts of crazy shit (not today, but before) like drunk driving, dementia driving, standing on one leg on a wobbly old chair, using rickety old stairs when she has poor balance, etc. and she's barely ever even hurt herself.  Okay, so never mind the physical repercussions, what about legal ones?  My mother STOLE money from the government and all she got was a slap on the wrist.  Sigh.  

Well, I used to know a terrible narcissist who was evading police because he had a warrant out on him for whatever it was he caught doing at the time (and he had done so many terrible and illegal things), so I called up his parole officer and told them where to find him and he got arrested.  So, while he was only one narcissist getting what he deserved, at least I got to be the one who turned him in.  Which was pretty sweet seeing his mugshot the very next day appear online.  My family and I laughed and laughed and laughed.  And I still laugh about it to this day. 

Christmas, my mother's BFF, on the other hand, certainly has dementia and should NOT be driving.  When I mentioned this to her she got angry and told my mother I told her not to come over anymore.  Which I did not say.  I politely told her to be evaluated by a doctor before driving again (she had had a dizzy spell while in the car recently).  And she's still driving and never told her doctor about any of it.  Sigh.  

I just can't with these people.  I literally can't.  I just want to move away, put my mother in assisted living and be done with her and her BFF and any of her other friends that sometimes stop by.  I want peace.  But I know, to just tough it out and make the best of what's to come as best I can.  It's irritating and annoying and stupid.  But one day it will be better.  Until then, I will just bitch about her on this blog and be grateful for everything else I have right now, besides Ye Olde Seahag, better known across the demon dimensions as YOS.  I think she may be their queen.  

I just want Christmas to stop bothering with my mom.  She needs a new BFF and she needs to go away.  I am finding that I honestly hate this woman so very much due to the fact that I've realized just how much shit she instigates between me and my mom.  I used to think she was my friend.  That she had my back and was on my side or at least understood.  When the truth is, she understands nothing.