So, I am tired of keeping all the shit I need for our house in my damned room.  At first, I had to store all our bathroom stuff in here, because she kept going through it and rearranging it and whatnot.  But eventually I put that all back and she's left it alone.  But then I had to hide my dishsoap and scrubbies and all our household cleaners in here, too, otherwise she'll use them for nefarious purposes, which do not always include actually cleaning.  And I still have them all in my room.  But I have come up with a genius idea: I am buying some magnetic child locks and I am going to install them on the cabinets and drawers that I want her to stay out of in the kitchen and store ALL this shit that's taking up ALL this room in my bedroom in there.  It's kind of genius.  Why didn't I think of this before?  

And my explanation for doing so?  To keep the cats out.  Because the cats LOVE to get into our fucking cabinet and fuck shit up.  So, my reasoning is partially true.  But it's also to keep the elderly toddler out of these places, too.  

Also, I turned our front hall coat closet into a pantry (and it's working out GREAT!) and I tried to install a new doorknob (with a lock) on it to keep her out but damn, it's one of those old 1970's ones that someone pounded in the inner part with a hammer.  I can't get it out!  Oh well.  I did install a new front door doorknob though.  So that's something.  OH, and I turned the doorknob on our living room door around so now it locks from the living room side and not the kitchen.  I want to be able to exercise and dance and do things in my living room, but I can't, because she will come in and say shit to me.  I need PRIVACY and this house has zero.  So, I turned the knob around so I can lock everyone out while I am exercising (now, just to remember to turn off the video camera in there when I am in there so my kids don't hit record and share it with their friends LOL).  

So, I feel accomplished today.  

In other news, my mother has been calling her sister since Thursday and she hasn't been answering.  And I am tempted to call the police to do a wellness check on her just be a jerk.  They did that to my mother right before we moved in here (my cousins and my aunt), knowing damn well she was okay because I was there taking care of her.  So, I want to repay them the favor.  Also, I am kind of worried, as she lives alone.  But if she turns out to be fine?  I will never worry about her again.  Because who freaking doesn't call someone back for four days and doesn't answer their emails?  Her Facebook profile has nothing on it, I don't even think she uses it anymore.  So, I really have no idea how to get ahold of her.  But we'll see what happens. 

So, I've been busy today.  I did all that stuff I already said, did all our laundry, cleaned the living room, cleaned our bedroom, washed the bathroom windows, and the toilet.  And I took a walk with my youngest son and we're preparing to play Gloomhaven at some point.  Until them, I am whipping out my new card game that I got called "Onirim" and I hope it's fun.  We got some pizza and it's gross so I'm making a PB&J instead.  

My new locks should be here on Tuesday and I'll be glad to get this crap out of my room for once!!  Ugh!  And yay!  

Her: Oh god, did you buy coffee?  I hope so!  *she squints her eyes*  I am even getting a a withdrawal headache from not having caffeine!

Me: *I squinted back at her*  Really?  You're telling me you're getting a headache from not having any caffeine today?

Her: *squints even harder and raises her hand to her head*  Oh yes!  It's so bad!

Me: *laughs...pretty hard*  Mother, you haven't had caffeine in over 6 months!!  I buy you decaf!  So how on earth can you have a headache?

Her: *immediately straightens up and acts normal and puts on a creepy smile*  OH, I can tell! 

Me: *knowing she thinks she's playing a game that she thinks she's winning*  You do realize you TOLD me to give you decaf, right?  You told me to switch you out around 6 months ago due to the fact your doctor said you need to stop drinking it.  So, it's not like I was tricking you.  

I mean, I was tricking her.  And it worked.  Just like I trick her by giving her diet soda when she wants soda.  She's diabetic and asks for soda and juice and whatever.  And I buy her diet and take the labels off because she says that diet tastes like "prune juice".  YET, she has no sense of taste or smell.  Once, I left the label on and she refused to drink it.  But she sure loves her label-less soda!!  

Oh, and I know decaf has a mild amount of caffeine in it, but she had an entire pot of coffee on her counter full (she puts her coffee in a carafe that keeps it warm), so there was no way she had a headache over not having any, as she still has some in her carafe right now.  The funny part is that she thought she'd take me down a peg by saying "Oh, I can tell!" as though I didn't pull the wool over her eyes.  But SHE'S the one who told me to give her decaf.  She just forgot!!  And I knew she forgot, too, which is why I kept it a secret from her.  

So, if she "could tell" it was decaf, then why the theatrics about having a withdrawal headache?  She wasn't joking.  She was playing it up real good, acting like everything was hurting her head.  The moment I said it was decaf, that pain magically went away and she acted completely normal until going to bed.  

Hahahahaha!  I love catching her in a lie AND I love that she never realized (though she knew at first) that she was getting decaf!  HA!  Watch, now she'll forget all over again.  Oh, and this isn't her dementia.  It's 100% her narcissism.  As she's always been like this, conveniently "forgetting" things when they don't suit her narrative.  She's a caffeinated black-coffee addict!  And decaf doesn't fit into that narrative.  So she promptly forgot about it.  

What a freaking weirdo.  

So, that parental control app sucks.  I don't like it.  It won't work for what I want.  So, it really doesn't suck, it just sucks for me.   So, instead, I use Microsoft Edge's Family Safety and I just check her history on both Google and Edge.  I removed her as administrator on her computer so the Edge thing can do everything it's supposed to do.  I added an account onto her computer called "adminmaster" and changed her account name to her name (it used to be just "admin"), and now it just automatically logs onto her account with her even knowing I did anything different.  The only thing now is that I will have to put in a password for her to install games, but that doesn't happen too often, so that's fine.  

Also, I installed cameras in the living room, kitchen, and out the front window.  This summer I am going to get two outdoor ones that rotate and run on solar.  The kitchen camera is the only one I really use.  I caught her doing a few things she shouldn't be doing and pretended to walk out and catch her doing them.  But I also don't watch it all the time, so she's been doing other things she shouldn't be doing and I've only found out afterwards.  But they are really good cameras and have excellent quality and they were cheap on Amazon.  And so far, they're working for what I want them for (checking on her when we leave the house and checking on her when I hear her doing something she's not supposed to be doing).  

Also, she's now talking to her friends about having her knee surgery done asap so she can enjoy the summer.  I am at a crossroads here.  If she were to get the surgery say in March, then she'd be in a rehab facility for most likely at least a month (we can only hope), then she'll be out in May.  Ugh.  But if it takes two months, which I am assuming it will (they say it takes 4-8 weeks to be able to walk on your leg unassisted), it will be June.  And that means she'll not have smoked for two months...I am going to make it a rule that she needs to quit.  And I am going to talk to her about it before she goes.  Last night, I was baking paper (haha, I was dying paper and drying it in the oven) and I had all the windows open as I had to have the oven open constantly and it was hot as fuck in the kitchen.  And she tried to go out and smoke and I said "I need you to wait, because I am not shutting all the windows, it's way too hot in here."  And she said "Well, I'll be going to sleep soon."  And I just shrugged.  So what?  It's not fair I can't have my own windows open in my own house because of her.  I was very glad though she didn't suggest going out front to smoke.  As that's a rule in our house she's not allowed to do (my bedroom windows are right there and the smoke gets in).  So my issue isn't her having the surgery, but when, if she's only going to be gone for 1-2 months.  But, I think I'd rather have her gone in spring, so I can have my windows open.  Whereas in summer, the air is on, so we can't have them open anyways.

But that's going to be my thing.  I am going to tell her it's not fair we can't have windows open anywhere and I can't be outside in my own yard as she sits and smokes all summer out there.  She needs to work on quitting before she has surgery.  That way it'll be an easier transition coming home to no cigarettes.  I can no longer live with someone who smokes.  It's not fair.  There is no "area" she can smoke in without bothering the rest of the house.  And I've cut her down to 14 cigarettes a day, down from 20.  And she's done it without complaining.  So she can keep on being cut down, 1-2 a week until she'd down to just a few.  She may fight me on this.  Or she may say "okay".  You never know as it can go either way with her.  But we'll see what happens.  Her doc appointment is on Wednesday to be referred to a surgeon (or maybe they'll try other things first?).  We'll see what he says.  

So, that's it for now.  I start therapy tomorrow, thank goodness, and maybe she'll have some good advice on what to do with my mother.  

Okay, this has happened twice now.  And my Mr. Brooks gave me a great solution.  

So, my mother is a narcissist with dementia.  And her NPD is worse than her dementia at the moment.  So, I fill her meds once a week.  We have two containers: yellow for morning, purple for night.  She takes a LOT of meds.  But I am meticulous about them, even though I am not that meticulous about anything else in life LOL  I count them, I compare them, I make 100% sure they are all exactly the way they are supposed to be, because I have ADHD and I know if I am lazy and don't pay attention, I could mess them up.  But I refuse to mess up her meds and hurt her because I forget a pill or put too many in, etc.  So I have a system to make sure they are 100% right each week.  

But twice now, she's "claimed" I've messed them up.  One time, around 6 months ago, or so, she said I forgot an entire night's worth of pills.  And that's not possible, as I COUNT them as I dole them out.  I could not have skipped an entire day, counting 6 each time instead of 7.  LOL  That's just insane.   Plus, when I am done with each set of them (morning or night), I compare each one to the other, to make sure they all have the same exact number of pills in each one.  I can even tell you which one is which by the size and shape.  So I knew she either stashed them somewhere, or she threw them out.  Why?  I guess to make me look like I messed up?  I don't know.  

But then tonight, she came into the room and said "You're missing a pill in here.  Look!"  And she showed me.  And I opened up the rest of the nights and I saw, sure enough, one was missing.  But then I saw two in another night.  I mean, I never mess them up, but I could see maybe missing a pill on accident.  Or maybe putting two in one.  But both?  Missing a pill and putting two of that SAME pill into another night?  That makes no sense.  I know myself and I would have caught that when I checked them.  I think she pulled out one of tonight's pills and put it in Tuesday's compartment.  But I know there is no way I'd do that.  I have anxiety, and I am pretty OCD about her meds (and I mean that literally, not figuratively) being 100% right, so there is ZERO way I messed up two different days.  

Other reasons I am pretty sure she did it: she doesn't look at her meds when she takes them.  Like, ever.  She just opens them, puts them in her hand, and takes them with water, not even looking at her hand.  She will do this while playing computer games or reading.  So why tonight did she "notice"?  Granted, I am glad she did if it had been my fault, but it's very odd to me that she even noticed.  Then, she opened the other meds to tell me which pill was missing.  Which is also odd to me.  But also, I said "There no way I forgot your pill, I count them when I put them in, and again after when I am done.  It has to be in your room."  And she was adamant that it was not in her room and I had to forget it!  Like, a little too adamant.  Which made me really think "Hmmmm".  But then I looked down and straight away saw that pill in the other night's compartment and said "Here it is.  See?  I didn't forget it.  Someone put it in here," with a smile.  She said "Oh, huh?  I don't know.  Maybe?  Um, okay, thanks!"  And she trotted off to her room to take her meds.  Sigh.  

Now, maybe I did mess them up?  But I highly doubt it.  And if it was her, then why?  Did she think she was going to make me feel bad or something?  But since I know I didn't do it, I don't feel bad at all.  I don't think she gets just how much I pay attention to her meds.  So my hubby said "It's only once a week, just take a picture of her meds each and every week, with a timestamp, and that way you'll 100% know if she's the one messing with them or not."  I mean, I know she is, but she makes me feel crazy!  Esp. the last time before this, there was ZERO way I just skipped a day in her pill organizer.  Esp. since each one only has 7 days.  

I don't want to add yet another thing to my chores I have to do for her, but I guess I have to for my own peace of mind.  And also to prove I dole out her meds properly if she gets it into her head to lie about me taking care of her improperly or something like that (which she's done before).  Ugh.  Why can't we just have normal parents?

Most things she says, I really try hard to not take personally.  But this time?  It was just too much for me to just brush off.  Granted, it's not that bad.  She's a selfish child and a brat, so I get it.  But even selfish children usually love their parents.  My mother doesn't love me.  I know this.  I just hate being reminded of it.  

Her: I don't care if I die today.  I've lived a good life!

Her BFF Christmas: Yes, you've lived a good life.

Her:  Well, I've had good friends!!  And two men that loved me!

Christmas: Some people don't even get one!

Nowhere was I mentioned in this.  Neither one of them brought me up.  I spend each and every day taking care of her ungrateful ass.  

Then the conversation went on to talk about what an alcoholic my father was and how she knew after he got out of the military just how much he drank.  

So, my mother decided to adopt a child with a man who drank too much (10 years went by from when she realized he was an alcoholic until they adopted me, so you know he just got worse) AND a man who used to get drunk and chase my dog around in the yard, beating him with a belt?  

Okay then.  I can clearly say that my abuse was predominantly her fault.  She KNEW ahead of time he was like this and still went out and bought a child to bring into that home.  Good job there, Ma.  You win the mother-of-the-year award.  

Again, I wasn't mentioned.  Have you read this blog from the beginning?  If not, I will tell you: this blog started BECAUSE my mother denied my father was a drunk who abused us.  And then I went no contact with her in 2017 because I was done with it all and she still refused to admit any of it.  And now she's all forthcoming with all her secrets about my father.  But she doesn't include me in any of that.  She will admit SHE was abused.  She will admit SHE had to deal with my father.  But I am nowhere in this equation.  Just like when she decided to tell the world SHE was raped at 14, but when I told her I was raped at 14, she ignored me and told everyone I was a whore who was "sleeping with everyone back then, so who knows?" (when in actuality, I was a virgin).  

SHE'S THE VICTIM HERE GUYS, NOT ME.  JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

I am not denying she's a victim.  I've always included her in my crusade against my father.  Always.  But she refuses to include me in hers.  I'm always cut out so she can get all the pity.  In fact, she told me she always protected my father over me because he meant more to her than I ever did.  "He was my husband, what did you expect me to do?"  

"I don't know what home you grew up in, but it sure wasn't the same house I was in."  That's what she said to me back in 2013 when The Great Awakening happened.  She refused to even admit he drank too much.  She admitted he punched me in the face, but acted like it wasn't a big deal.  "Oh that?  Yes, he did that, but that was all."  As though your father punching you in the face for trying to protect your mother from being beaten is just another Sunday.  

I live in a world where my life is not my own.  I am not allowed to participate in it.  I am excluded on purpose.  When my uncle died, I was a HUGE part of his life up until his death.  His children weren't.  And I was completely left out of everything honoring him.  When my father died, my mother didn't allow me to grieve with her, as SHE was the only person who had lost someone.  Also, when my father was in the hospital, I was put in charge of taking care of HER mother, instead of seeing my dad.  She'd bring my uncle with her, even though my father hated him.  And when he died, my uncle got first dibs on a pillow made from his old clothes, as though that wasn't MY father.  

I really fucking hate her.  I hate her so much, every single day in every single way.  Yesterday, I gave her my $12 dinner from a restaurant and she tried to feed it to my dogs.  I told her it was expensive, and she needed to not share it with anyone, so she made a HUGE deal how she was forced to eat it all.  I said "You could have saved it, I never said you had to eat it, I said you had to not share it."  But she went on and on and on about how she was forced to eat it all.  She said "Why did you give me something so expensive?"  I looked at her and said "I don't really know."  And I was telling the truth.  Granted, I hated my food, and I knew she can't taste anything, so that's why, but still.  She's not deserving of nice things.  But I am not a monster, like she is, so I don't just feed her hot dogs all the live-long day, like she did to me as a kid.  

But unlike her, I can hate someone, and still treat them well.  I can hate her, and have a good reason to hate her, and still not be a fucking monster to her.  I still buy her the things she wants and needs.  I still make sure her meds are right.  I still cook for her.  I still check on her to make sure she's okay.  And I care about her wellbeing.  But I honestly do not like her, and there is zero love I have for her.  ZERO.  But just because you don't love someone doesn't mean you want them to hurt or suffer.  My job is to put up with her dumbass until she goes into a home.  And this coming Wed. she will see the doc who will hopefully refer her to the surgeon and then she'll be getting her knee replacement done and hopefully will be in a fucking home for good period of time.  I HOPE.  That's my big wish right now: a fucking break to live my life like a normal person for a moment.  Last time I didn't get to.  But this time I will be able to just breathe and relax without her fucking mouth or cigarette smoke stinking up the place.  

Even if it's only for a month, that's ONE MONTH without her I will be rejoicing in!  And, if I realize it's the ONLY way I can live from then on?  I will start the process of getting her into a retirement home.  I have a call on the 23rd, this coming Friday, with a Medicaid expert.  So, I'll see what they say.  

Though, I will say, we can't afford to live without her right now.  Which sucks.  

Sigh.  

At least I can look forward to a small break without her.  Which I hope will be a long break, but there's no guarantee.  Anything is better than nothing.  

I need to concentrate on something else.  Who cares if she doesn't include me in her "life well lived" (drinking and smoking?).  I know her life wasn't "well-lived" and those two "men" that loved her, one beat her and other was in love with his ex the entire time.  So, it's all a lie.  All of it.  It's a game of pretend to make herself feel better.  Which makes me sad.  

When I die, I can honestly say my husband loves me.  As do my children.  And my life IS well-lived.  It could be better, but I've done some actual great things.  And now I will try my best do even better.  

When I think about my mother and her shitty life, it actually breaks my heart.  If she thinks that being degraded and beaten was "love" and "well-lived", then I guess it makes sense to not realize when someone good is actually in your life.  I have to remind myself: I am not here for her to love me or thank me for taking care of her.  I am here because someone needs to take care of her, and I am the only person who can.  And my life isn't about her anymore.  It's about my family.  And me.  She's just the old person I take care of to the best of my abilities.  And that's it.  And it's good enough.  For now.  

I am blessed to have such a great family.  Granted, we aren't perfect, but we try like hell to do the right thing.  And if we don't, we learn how to, and try to change our behavior in the future.  But then we add my mother into the mix.  And that's just unnecessary baggage.  Because so much of our lives is about her.  Which is okay, we are her caretakers.  It's not that big of a deal, when she's being good.  When she's not, then it's a huge deal.  

I think being raised by a narcissist (or two) makes us really reactive to their behavior towards us.  I see this all the time in the groups I am in, as well as in my own behavior sometimes.  It's as though the narc's behavior, even if mild, is the worst thing on earth.  Like "how day they do this to us?", which is play straight out of their gamebook.  As though we're special.  And it's like we're not seeing that they treat others the same way, too.  Nope.  It's just us.  And we're the only ones being victimized.  I have to work really hard to remember her behavior is not personal.  That I am not special just because I am her daughter.  That, in fact, she doesn't have a clue what that actually means.  I mean, if I were to hurt her, then I'd be the biggest villain on earth, as I am her daughter, and how dare I do this to her?  But it doesn't need to go both ways, because she is not my mother, she's my abuser.  I am not special to her.  She sees me as no different than she saw her old friends.  She proved this by cycling between us as golden children and scapegoats, and then taking our (my mother and I) special things we did together and giving them away to one of her neighbors who call her "ma".  It was then I realized I meant nothing more to her than her friends did.  And she had no idea what it meant to be a mother.  

So, I stopped taking her behavior personally.  Now, yes, I am still hung up all the shit she's done in the past.  And I still get angry quite frequently (I don't always tell her I am though) at her behavior towards me.  But I don't fly off the handle and freak the fuck out about it.  Not like she does.  I see so many people starting this journey freaking the fuck out.  And that's normal.  In the beginning, we're pretty fucking shocked,  I get it.  But there is a point we need to move past that, and some just never do.  And what these people don't understand is that that is learned behavior from their narcissistic parent(s).  To be so "personally attacked", "mortified", and "so deeply wounded"?  That's a narcissistic trait.  And it's something we, as non-narcissists, need to let go of and move past, eventually.  I still sometimes get really wounded by her words or behaviors.  But then I remind myself, I am not her.  I don't need to take such offense.  She's a potato.  Why do I care what a potato thinks of me?  

Recently, my mother told she would have given me back to the adoption agency as a child if I would have said I didn't want to live with them anymore.  Sounds extremely horrible, right?  But, I can't find the energy to be super angry about it.  Why?  Because a potato said it.  A potato who was lashing out at me for calling her out on her SHITTY parenting growing up (after she physically assaulted me on Thanksgiving 2022).  "Oh, I was a bad mother?  Well, if I was so bad, why didn't you ask to go back to the adoption agency?"  Granted, she didn't say it like that.  She's not that coherent.  I had to coax out of her what she meant, because she can't always form her thoughts correctly anymore.  But only a potato would say something like that, because obviously it was stupid.  A) that's called "giving me back up for adoption", B) the fuck she would have, she'd have laughed in my face and told me I was stupid for saying it, as it doesn't work that way.  But here she is, 40 some odd years later, saying it, because she's a fucking potato, and potatoes will say anything so you don't eat them.  Well, too bad, motherfuckers, I love me some French fries.  

That's what I mean.  I just basically think she's a fucking idiot, and why do I care what an idiot says to me or thinks of me?  I don't need to be offended by it.  Would I be offended if an actual potato said it?  No?  Then I can't be offended by her.  That's how we need to think of narcissists.  If a potato on your shelf or at the grocery store said something rude to you, would it hurt your feelings?  Would it make you angry?  Would it wound you?  No?  Then don't let the narcissists in your life do those things either.  Because they are fucking potatoes.  All of them.  They are simple-minded and stupid.  Even if they think they're smart.  They're just not.  

A super great book on learning to not take things so personally is "The Voice of Knowledge" from Don Miguel Ruiz.  This book changed my life.  It's about how NOTHING anyone (narcissist or not) does or says to you has anything to do with you, and everything to do with how THEY are feeling inside.  It's eye opening.  And it's true.  

Which brings me to my family member.  I won't say who, as I love the shit out of this person and I am not calling them out to humiliate them.  But this person is autistic.  They have ASD (as do I).  And this person has always had meltdowns.  More than most people.  More than even my mother.  And at first, I took these attacks personally.  I got livid.  I though my job was to put this person in their place and eventually they'd stop.  But as it turns out, with autism, that doesn't really happen.  They got better on their own, along with the other family members' help.  They still have meltdowns.  But nowhere as much as they used to and they have the ability to regulate themselves better, so they calm down on their own.  But if I let myself get "deeply wounded" and react, rather than respond, it can escalate and get worse.  No, it's not right this person attacks in the first place (not physically, but verbally).  And they know this.  But stepping back and realizing someone someone with ASD and ADHD (which they have) has very poor executive functioning and it's really hard for them to get out of the loop of anger (they also have RSD: rejection sensitive dysphoria--which people with ADHD get, and is part of that whole "deeply wounded" feeling) is not attacking me because of me, but because inside they can't regulate their emotions and feelings, I can respond instead of react, and not take what they say personally.  

I mean, I fail at this.  A lot.  But I am getting better at it.  And if I remember what I learned in that book, and remember what I know about ASD, ADHD, and RSD, then I can back the fuck off and help this person reregulate themselves, rather than take what they are saying personally.  

There are two different things going on here, but with the same approach and the same outcome: 

1. My mother is a childish asshole.  She means what she says, and knows better.  And she's manipulative and cruel on purpose.  BUT, I don't need to take what she does or says personally because deep down, she knows she's a fucking idiot potato with a low IQ and EQ, and it has nothing to do with me at all, as she's just lashing out at me because she feels bad inside.  And what do I care what a potato thinks of me?  She can't take responsibility for anything she does wrong, so while I don't need to forgive her, I don't have to care about it either.  
2. My family member is a good person.  They have issues with regulating their emotions and are held accountable to their bad behavior, but in the moment, I can step back and help them.  They calm down, apologize, explore why they felt bad, and I can forgive them, love them, and not take their behavior personally, because it has nothing to do with me at all.  They just feel bad inside.  And they can't express that in the moment properly sometimes.  (I am using "they" as a non-sex identifier, not because they identify as "they").

So his birthday went off without a hitch from her.  I forgot this is her new modus operandi for the most part on the "day of" whatever we're celebrating.  Let me paint you a picture of who she used to be, and who she is now when it comes to birthdays and holidays: 

The old version of mother, 1.0 Birthday Edition: 

• She would either take charge by doing things herself, or be barking orders everyone to do certain things.  
• The first certain thing on a birthday would be to require buying donuts.  This is her thing.  Everyone gets donuts on their birthday.  It's not a horrible thing.  But after I took her keys away, she would be barking orders at whoever to "not forget the donuts!!".  Like, we weren't allowed to have a birthday without them. 
• Every aspect of the birthday would be about her, no matter who's birthday it was.  One thing was that even though she had asked you up until your birthday what restaurant you wanted to go to, she had already picked one of her favorites.  Asking you was just to make it look like she actually cared that you wanted something on your own birthday. Oh yes, she REQUIRED everyone go out to eat for your birthday.  Even though she knows I HATE restaurants. 
• If she didn't plan it, she wouldn't participate.  So, if you picked where you wanted to eat and you all were going out, and driving, she would refuse to go.  If you picked somewhere to go during the day, and she didn't have a part in planning it, she would refuse to go.  Unless it was her idea, and she was in 100% control, she couldn't even fathom how to act on such a trip, so she'd say "Oh, you guys go and have fun!  I'll just stay home on this one!"  I am not sure if it was anger because she wasn't in control of it, or it was just her severe anxiety (something she picked on me for having my entire life).
• The last time we went out with her, it was 2016 I think.  We chose "Famous Daves" for my hubby's birthday and we didn't give her the chance to change the location.  She was NOT happy.  Even though we had just went there with her for lunch and she loved it.  But now, since she didn't get to choose on the actual birthday of someone else, she was pissed.  And the entire time she was bitching and complaining.  She was rude to the waitstaff and just plain grouchy.  We were leaving and she SCREAMED at my husband, because she LOVES to tell people how to drive when they're driving.  And my husband slammed on the brakes and screamed at her back haha!  She deserved it.  She was so fucking assholey the entire night and we made a vow right then and there we'd never go out with her again.  Not to her face, but after we dropped her off.  Then the next day she said "From now on?  I pick the restaurant!!"  I laughed really hard and said "Don't worry about that, after how you acted last night?  We're never going out with you again!"  Then my son's birthday came around a couple months later and she asked where are we going?  Like she hadn't just told me we weren't allowed to pick where to go and I said "How quickly you forget.  I told you on Mr. Brooks' birthday, we're never going out with you again.  And I meant it!"  Oh boy she was mad, but she never asked to go out with us again on our birthdays.  And from that day on, we went out alone, without her.  This year we went to Mission BBQ for my son's birthday (we went a few days ago) and it was the most horrible place I'd ever been in my life.  And I am waiting on getting my refund.  Their food is wretched and it's fast-food style, and cost us around $85!!!!!  What in the holy fuck are they even doing??  We're going to take our refund and go to a REAL restaurant, with waitstaff and actual real portions of food for the price we pay and it won't taste like cardboard.  And it will be the same price, including tip.  But here's the difference between me and my mother: had my mother went?  She would have made a HUGE scene, embarrassing everyone, because she was being duped.  But me?  I was quiet, saved my food to bring home and give to my mother for dinner tomorrow (she has no sense of taste, she won't know it doesn't taste like anything).  Not embarrassing my family is worth more to me than getting a refund in the moment or letting everyone know that this place is more than just a ripoff, it's a disservice to humanity to exist.  
• She tried to make these "traditions" look like she was being nice to you, but in reality, she just wanted an excuse to eat donuts and going out to eat several times a year at her favorite restaurants. 

So, I heard her on the phone today and picked up the other receiver, and I hear her trying to change her login information for her personal medical account through our health system.  This is the account I use to order her medication and converse with her doctors.  And now she's trying to lock me out.  Sigh.  

She had asked me for access to her account last week.  I forgot.  And instead of asking me again, she decides to call customer service and change everything (including the email address, which is mine, so I get updates on her medications) to lock me out of it.  So, I ran into my son's room and unplugged the motherfucking phone.  Once again.  

Oh boy, she was MAAAAAADDDD this time!  But what the fuck did she expect?  She can't mess with my ability to refill her medications.  The last time I locked her out of her medical chart thingy was due to the fact she had physically attacked me over Thanksgiving and then cancelled all her appointments without telling me, all from that online account.  So, I revoked her access, because my husband takes off of work to take her to her stupid-ass appointments, so she can't be making the decisions like that without asking me first. 

She doesn't understand this one simple thing:

EVERYTHING I DO, I DO FOR A GOD DAMNED REASON!!  

And it's all to take her of her ungrateful selfish ass.  

Granted, I don't give two squats if she's grateful or not, my level of care will not change.  I do what I do because it's the right thing to do.  I don't feel that me taking care of her vs. her going into a home is the right thing to do.  But I am stuck doing it, so the level of care I give her is the right thing to do, even if she doesn't like it sometimes.  

I don't allow her to drive.  I don't allow her to use the stove.  I don't allow her to go in the basement.  I don't allow to go for walks alone (though in our huge backyard, she can walk all she likes).  I don't allow her to get the mail (we have a long, bumpy and holey driveway and she never takes a cane).  I don't allow her to have unlimited access to the internet.  And I don't allow her access to money.  And every single one of these things is for good reason.  She's a fall risk.  She's a compulsive shopper.  She has dementia.  She can't walk a straight line.  She makes absolutely horrible decisions for herself (she recently wrote a list of all a whole bunch of supplements she wanted to buy online...sigh).  And she hates me for all of these things, but she IS allowed to go for walks with another person.  She IS allowed to buy whatever she likes, as long as I am the one buying the items.  She IS allowed to use the microwave.  She IS allowed to a lot of things.  Like smoke cigarettes, and she has access to all our TV apps and the internet.  She can't do some things on there, but most things she can.  She's not a fucking prisoner or in an old folk's home, even though she acts like it's both.  

It's not my fault her mind and body are falling apart.  

So, I switched it all back, changed her password, gave her access and then told her why she's not allowed to change the email on there (as I need to know when her docs refill her meds and I need to be able to ask for med refills from her docs).  And then I go to Wal-Mart, come home, and she's already changed the email back to hers.  Again.  Goddammit.  

Why in the fuck am I still here doing things for her if all she's going to do is just complain and go behind my back to fuck shit up constantly?

When I asked her about her little "phone call", she said "I only called because I know you're busy."  BULL FUCKING SHIT.  She called because she was angry.  She wanted to go behind my back and lock me out.  See, it's either because today is Valentine's Day.  Or because I forgot to get her her cigarettes last night.  Or because my son's birthday is in two days.  She gets pissy, angry, intolerable, and even violent on or near holidays.  And I know she's gearing up for another blowout.  

Although this time?  If she gets violent or breaks anything or acts like a fool in a dangerous way again?  I will be calling 911 immediately.  I am not putting up with her "meltdowns" of violence anymore.  She calls them "being crabby", as though it's cute.  I call it being unstable and dangerous.  

So, I explained to her why I had to keep my email as the contact email on that account and all she did was act stupid about it and roll her eyes at me.  I should have realized she'd change it back.  But I figured that because I explained it, she'd get it and leave it alone.  But nope.  So, I know she's gearing up for something big.  Something more.  

I can't wait to get her in the medical rehab again.  She is going to have her knee replaced and she's outta here for a bit.  I am so done with this shit. 

Okay, so I just went through her history on her computer, and I am confused.  The email was changed at 4:07pm.  And she hadn't been on that page since 1:01pm.  So how in the hell did it get changed again?  She got an email about it and so did I.  And when I went onto the account, it had been changed again.  So, if she didn't do it, then who did?  Maybe I missed something on her history?  I was hurrying, but unless she learned how to delete her history, then I have no idea how it was her.  

When the phone hung up on her, she came out screaming "WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER??!!  WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER??!!  THE PHONE CUT OUT ON ME AND NOW I CAN'T CAL THEM BACK!!"  

So my husband asks: "Who were you talking to?"

Her: "I was trying to get into my medical account!"

Him: "Oh.  I am sorry.  Did you have a question about your medical stuff?"

Her: "I am trying to get into my account!!"

Him: "Yes, I realize that.  But did you have a question about your account?  Is that why you're so upset?"  

Her: "I JUST WANT INTO MY ACCOUNT!!!" 

He left it at that.  She wasn't going to answer him.  

Her: "TELL SHAY TO COME IN HERE RIGHT AWAY!!" 

I didn't.  I just slowly and sneakily went back into my own room.  And then that's when I went onto my own computer and changed everything back (the password she changed and the email--oh an the password she chose, by the way, was "1234", SMART!  and this is partially why I have control of her shit).  

Then she went out for a cigarette, and I went into her room and logged her in and left it up for her to see when she came back.  When I went to Wal-Mart, I opened her door and told her why she's not allowed to change things.  The entire time she's whining, and sighing and rolling her eyes and she's pissed off and angry and I kept telling her that her having all the control over her account WILL NOT WORK since I use that account to message her doctors to refill her medications.  But she was having none of it.  So much fun having a narcissistic dementia patient as a mother.  Yay. 

Well, I have no idea who changed the email again back to hers, but I still assume it was her.  Somehow.  I just have to figure out how.  And it wasn't a glitch, as we wouldn't have gotten an updated email about it.  It was done on purpose, by a human.  The only other choice is that the guy she talked to on the phone somehow got back into her account and changed it back again, but that makes ZERO sense, as it had been several hours since she had talked to him.  

Also, she was on a rampage this morning about getting her cigarettes, too.  Which I forgot to put out last night.  So, this week is going to be fun.  I swear, if she ruins my son's birthday, I may seriously think about moving out and putting her in assisted living a lot sooner than planned.  Ugh.  

Well, it's February y'all.  And I've FINALLY been editing my first memoir (I have four done, and several more partially done, and one I just started).  And I have say, while I crack up at my own jokes, I am not too sure if the world is ready for my way of explaining my life story.  I wrote in more of a stream-of-consciousness style, with a bit of rambling.  But surprisingly, I always make it right back to where I was going when I started, so that's something.  

Imposter syndrome sucks.  I fear releasing my writing for two reasons: 

• everyone's going to laugh at me (Adam Sandler style)
• and if my family where to get ahold of it