So, I heard her on the phone today and picked up the other receiver, and I hear her trying to change her login information for her personal medical account through our health system.  This is the account I use to order her medication and converse with her doctors.  And now she's trying to lock me out.  Sigh.  

She had asked me for access to her account last week.  I forgot.  And instead of asking me again, she decides to call customer service and change everything (including the email address, which is mine, so I get updates on her medications) to lock me out of it.  So, I ran into my son's room and unplugged the motherfucking phone.  Once again.  

Oh boy, she was MAAAAAADDDD this time!  But what the fuck did she expect?  She can't mess with my ability to refill her medications.  The last time I locked her out of her medical chart thingy was due to the fact she had physically attacked me over Thanksgiving and then cancelled all her appointments without telling me, all from that online account.  So, I revoked her access, because my husband takes off of work to take her to her stupid-ass appointments, so she can't be making the decisions like that without asking me first. 

She doesn't understand this one simple thing:

EVERYTHING I DO, I DO FOR A GOD DAMNED REASON!!  

And it's all to take her of her ungrateful selfish ass.  

Granted, I don't give two squats if she's grateful or not, my level of care will not change.  I do what I do because it's the right thing to do.  I don't feel that me taking care of her vs. her going into a home is the right thing to do.  But I am stuck doing it, so the level of care I give her is the right thing to do, even if she doesn't like it sometimes.  

I don't allow her to drive.  I don't allow her to use the stove.  I don't allow her to go in the basement.  I don't allow to go for walks alone (though in our huge backyard, she can walk all she likes).  I don't allow her to get the mail (we have a long, bumpy and holey driveway and she never takes a cane).  I don't allow her to have unlimited access to the internet.  And I don't allow her access to money.  And every single one of these things is for good reason.  She's a fall risk.  She's a compulsive shopper.  She has dementia.  She can't walk a straight line.  She makes absolutely horrible decisions for herself (she recently wrote a list of all a whole bunch of supplements she wanted to buy online...sigh).  And she hates me for all of these things, but she IS allowed to go for walks with another person.  She IS allowed to buy whatever she likes, as long as I am the one buying the items.  She IS allowed to use the microwave.  She IS allowed to a lot of things.  Like smoke cigarettes, and she has access to all our TV apps and the internet.  She can't do some things on there, but most things she can.  She's not a fucking prisoner or in an old folk's home, even though she acts like it's both.  

It's not my fault her mind and body are falling apart.  

So, I switched it all back, changed her password, gave her access and then told her why she's not allowed to change the email on there (as I need to know when her docs refill her meds and I need to be able to ask for med refills from her docs).  And then I go to Wal-Mart, come home, and she's already changed the email back to hers.  Again.  Goddammit.  

Why in the fuck am I still here doing things for her if all she's going to do is just complain and go behind my back to fuck shit up constantly?

When I asked her about her little "phone call", she said "I only called because I know you're busy."  BULL FUCKING SHIT.  She called because she was angry.  She wanted to go behind my back and lock me out.  See, it's either because today is Valentine's Day.  Or because I forgot to get her her cigarettes last night.  Or because my son's birthday is in two days.  She gets pissy, angry, intolerable, and even violent on or near holidays.  And I know she's gearing up for another blowout.  

Although this time?  If she gets violent or breaks anything or acts like a fool in a dangerous way again?  I will be calling 911 immediately.  I am not putting up with her "meltdowns" of violence anymore.  She calls them "being crabby", as though it's cute.  I call it being unstable and dangerous.  

So, I explained to her why I had to keep my email as the contact email on that account and all she did was act stupid about it and roll her eyes at me.  I should have realized she'd change it back.  But I figured that because I explained it, she'd get it and leave it alone.  But nope.  So, I know she's gearing up for something big.  Something more.  

I can't wait to get her in the medical rehab again.  She is going to have her knee replaced and she's outta here for a bit.  I am so done with this shit. 

Okay, so I just went through her history on her computer, and I am confused.  The email was changed at 4:07pm.  And she hadn't been on that page since 1:01pm.  So how in the hell did it get changed again?  She got an email about it and so did I.  And when I went onto the account, it had been changed again.  So, if she didn't do it, then who did?  Maybe I missed something on her history?  I was hurrying, but unless she learned how to delete her history, then I have no idea how it was her.  

When the phone hung up on her, she came out screaming "WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER??!!  WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER??!!  THE PHONE CUT OUT ON ME AND NOW I CAN'T CAL THEM BACK!!"  

So my husband asks: "Who were you talking to?"

Her: "I was trying to get into my medical account!"

Him: "Oh.  I am sorry.  Did you have a question about your medical stuff?"

Her: "I am trying to get into my account!!"

Him: "Yes, I realize that.  But did you have a question about your account?  Is that why you're so upset?"  

Her: "I JUST WANT INTO MY ACCOUNT!!!" 

He left it at that.  She wasn't going to answer him.  

Her: "TELL SHAY TO COME IN HERE RIGHT AWAY!!" 

I didn't.  I just slowly and sneakily went back into my own room.  And then that's when I went onto my own computer and changed everything back (the password she changed and the email--oh an the password she chose, by the way, was "1234", SMART!  and this is partially why I have control of her shit).  

Then she went out for a cigarette, and I went into her room and logged her in and left it up for her to see when she came back.  When I went to Wal-Mart, I opened her door and told her why she's not allowed to change things.  The entire time she's whining, and sighing and rolling her eyes and she's pissed off and angry and I kept telling her that her having all the control over her account WILL NOT WORK since I use that account to message her doctors to refill her medications.  But she was having none of it.  So much fun having a narcissistic dementia patient as a mother.  Yay. 

Well, I have no idea who changed the email again back to hers, but I still assume it was her.  Somehow.  I just have to figure out how.  And it wasn't a glitch, as we wouldn't have gotten an updated email about it.  It was done on purpose, by a human.  The only other choice is that the guy she talked to on the phone somehow got back into her account and changed it back again, but that makes ZERO sense, as it had been several hours since she had talked to him.  

Also, she was on a rampage this morning about getting her cigarettes, too.  Which I forgot to put out last night.  So, this week is going to be fun.  I swear, if she ruins my son's birthday, I may seriously think about moving out and putting her in assisted living a lot sooner than planned.  Ugh.