I am blessed to have such a great family.  Granted, we aren't perfect, but we try like hell to do the right thing.  And if we don't, we learn how to, and try to change our behavior in the future.  But then we add my mother into the mix.  And that's just unnecessary baggage.  Because so much of our lives is about her.  Which is okay, we are her caretakers.  It's not that big of a deal, when she's being good.  When she's not, then it's a huge deal.  

I think being raised by a narcissist (or two) makes us really reactive to their behavior towards us.  I see this all the time in the groups I am in, as well as in my own behavior sometimes.  It's as though the narc's behavior, even if mild, is the worst thing on earth.  Like "how day they do this to us?", which is play straight out of their gamebook.  As though we're special.  And it's like we're not seeing that they treat others the same way, too.  Nope.  It's just us.  And we're the only ones being victimized.  I have to work really hard to remember her behavior is not personal.  That I am not special just because I am her daughter.  That, in fact, she doesn't have a clue what that actually means.  I mean, if I were to hurt her, then I'd be the biggest villain on earth, as I am her daughter, and how dare I do this to her?  But it doesn't need to go both ways, because she is not my mother, she's my abuser.  I am not special to her.  She sees me as no different than she saw her old friends.  She proved this by cycling between us as golden children and scapegoats, and then taking our (my mother and I) special things we did together and giving them away to one of her neighbors who call her "ma".  It was then I realized I meant nothing more to her than her friends did.  And she had no idea what it meant to be a mother.  

So, I stopped taking her behavior personally.  Now, yes, I am still hung up all the shit she's done in the past.  And I still get angry quite frequently (I don't always tell her I am though) at her behavior towards me.  But I don't fly off the handle and freak the fuck out about it.  Not like she does.  I see so many people starting this journey freaking the fuck out.  And that's normal.  In the beginning, we're pretty fucking shocked,  I get it.  But there is a point we need to move past that, and some just never do.  And what these people don't understand is that that is learned behavior from their narcissistic parent(s).  To be so "personally attacked", "mortified", and "so deeply wounded"?  That's a narcissistic trait.  And it's something we, as non-narcissists, need to let go of and move past, eventually.  I still sometimes get really wounded by her words or behaviors.  But then I remind myself, I am not her.  I don't need to take such offense.  She's a potato.  Why do I care what a potato thinks of me?  

Recently, my mother told she would have given me back to the adoption agency as a child if I would have said I didn't want to live with them anymore.  Sounds extremely horrible, right?  But, I can't find the energy to be super angry about it.  Why?  Because a potato said it.  A potato who was lashing out at me for calling her out on her SHITTY parenting growing up (after she physically assaulted me on Thanksgiving 2022).  "Oh, I was a bad mother?  Well, if I was so bad, why didn't you ask to go back to the adoption agency?"  Granted, she didn't say it like that.  She's not that coherent.  I had to coax out of her what she meant, because she can't always form her thoughts correctly anymore.  But only a potato would say something like that, because obviously it was stupid.  A) that's called "giving me back up for adoption", B) the fuck she would have, she'd have laughed in my face and told me I was stupid for saying it, as it doesn't work that way.  But here she is, 40 some odd years later, saying it, because she's a fucking potato, and potatoes will say anything so you don't eat them.  Well, too bad, motherfuckers, I love me some French fries.  

That's what I mean.  I just basically think she's a fucking idiot, and why do I care what an idiot says to me or thinks of me?  I don't need to be offended by it.  Would I be offended if an actual potato said it?  No?  Then I can't be offended by her.  That's how we need to think of narcissists.  If a potato on your shelf or at the grocery store said something rude to you, would it hurt your feelings?  Would it make you angry?  Would it wound you?  No?  Then don't let the narcissists in your life do those things either.  Because they are fucking potatoes.  All of them.  They are simple-minded and stupid.  Even if they think they're smart.  They're just not.  

A super great book on learning to not take things so personally is "The Voice of Knowledge" from Don Miguel Ruiz.  This book changed my life.  It's about how NOTHING anyone (narcissist or not) does or says to you has anything to do with you, and everything to do with how THEY are feeling inside.  It's eye opening.  And it's true.  

Which brings me to my family member.  I won't say who, as I love the shit out of this person and I am not calling them out to humiliate them.  But this person is autistic.  They have ASD (as do I).  And this person has always had meltdowns.  More than most people.  More than even my mother.  And at first, I took these attacks personally.  I got livid.  I though my job was to put this person in their place and eventually they'd stop.  But as it turns out, with autism, that doesn't really happen.  They got better on their own, along with the other family members' help.  They still have meltdowns.  But nowhere as much as they used to and they have the ability to regulate themselves better, so they calm down on their own.  But if I let myself get "deeply wounded" and react, rather than respond, it can escalate and get worse.  No, it's not right this person attacks in the first place (not physically, but verbally).  And they know this.  But stepping back and realizing someone someone with ASD and ADHD (which they have) has very poor executive functioning and it's really hard for them to get out of the loop of anger (they also have RSD: rejection sensitive dysphoria--which people with ADHD get, and is part of that whole "deeply wounded" feeling) is not attacking me because of me, but because inside they can't regulate their emotions and feelings, I can respond instead of react, and not take what they say personally.  

I mean, I fail at this.  A lot.  But I am getting better at it.  And if I remember what I learned in that book, and remember what I know about ASD, ADHD, and RSD, then I can back the fuck off and help this person reregulate themselves, rather than take what they are saying personally.  

There are two different things going on here, but with the same approach and the same outcome: 

1. My mother is a childish asshole.  She means what she says, and knows better.  And she's manipulative and cruel on purpose.  BUT, I don't need to take what she does or says personally because deep down, she knows she's a fucking idiot potato with a low IQ and EQ, and it has nothing to do with me at all, as she's just lashing out at me because she feels bad inside.  And what do I care what a potato thinks of me?  She can't take responsibility for anything she does wrong, so while I don't need to forgive her, I don't have to care about it either.  
2. My family member is a good person.  They have issues with regulating their emotions and are held accountable to their bad behavior, but in the moment, I can step back and help them.  They calm down, apologize, explore why they felt bad, and I can forgive them, love them, and not take their behavior personally, because it has nothing to do with me at all.  They just feel bad inside.  And they can't express that in the moment properly sometimes.  (I am using "they" as a non-sex identifier, not because they identify as "they").