If she hadn't had actually blamed me, she wouldn't have made such a big deal out of letting me know she didn't mean to blame me.  She wanted to make sure that I knew that she wasn't blaming me, and when I didn't listen (I was sick with an awful migraine and didn't want to listen to her babbling) she chased me around the house repeating herself.  Then she went into today and had to add it into our conversation, too.  Geezus fucking christ, she sure makes everything be about her.  It makes me want to scream. 

So, she thinks she's smart.  She thinks she can read things, like on the internet, and know things.  But her brain doesn't work, so she actually knows nothing.  She takes everything she reads wrong, but she still thinks that a) she's an expert and b) she can argue with me about everything, even though she's fucking wrong.  

"But Shay, why aren't you grey rocking it?"  Because, I am trying to explain to her how things like "blood sugar" and "blood pressure" work, and she misinterprets what she reads and thinks she's right.  So, I don't  argue with her, I just say "You are absolutely wrong and misunderstanding what you read".  She can't just trust me on things.  She thinks I know nothing and she had to prove she knows everything.  And I am just so fucking tired of it.  

I bought her pants. "These are wrong.  You bought petite and I normally don't get petite."  I answer "Well, did you try them on?  No?  Then there is zero reason to say anything to me about it at all.  If they don't fit, they don't fit.  What can I do about that other than return them?"  

I bought her moisturizer, it doesn't have SPF in it, but yet, she doesn't go out in the sun (which is what she even said), so what the fuck does that even matter?

I bought her three bags of red grapes.  She likes green grapes now (though she always likes both).  Now she's refusing to eat the red grapes.  SHE HAS NO SENSE OF TASTE AND HASN'T FOR YEARS!  So, tell me again how she prefers one over the other that you can't even taste??  I am no longer buying grapes for her if she refuses to eat these.  I am not wasting money on a spoiled brat.

If I make her dinner, do you know what would make this dinner better?  Insert some stupid ingredient here.  That's what she tells me.  Again, I will reiterate, SHE CANNOT TASTE ANYTHING.  So, why would I waste money on more stupid ingredients?  And they aren't just like normal things, they are expensive and annoying things.  Or I buy her expensive ass salmon and she says "I prefer the other flavor better, but this one is okay". 

This is the way of the jackass narcissist old woman.  They are never satisfied.  They are never happy with what you do.  They are always looking for the greener pasture.  The better way.  For whatever they can complain about.  And then, on top of it all, they think they fucking know everything.  

So, yesterday morning, my mother woke up dizzy, blurry vision, and all the symptoms of low blood pressure.  Well, the VA had messed up and didn't send her meds on time (they are still slow on two of the meds) and she missed a day of having her Metformin, which means two pills.  She woke up and her blood sugar was around 180.  And she said it was my fault because I've fed her too late for dinner.  I said that's absurd, rather than eating around 5-6, per usual, I fed her at 7 (two days in a row, and only because I was making her what I was cooking everyone).  I said that's not "eating too late", that's just eating later than usual, which would be more likely to cause low blood sugar than high, especially the next morning.  Also, the food I am usually feeding her?  Is not that high in carbs, either.  But see, she "read it on the internet" so it's right and I am wrong and it's my fault.  I said well, you're misunderstanding what you read on the internet.  But nope, she's still right.  But then I realized, what were we even talking about?  Her issues had nothing to do with high blood sugar.  They were low blood pressure symptoms (though I do know that some symptoms of those two overlap).  

So, I pressed her about her blood pressure.  She finally told me it was low and this and that and I said I will call the doctor and I left.  

5pm rolls around and they never called back, but I knew it was near her dinner time and so I got up and made her dinner.  Mind you, I woke up yesterday with a rager of a migraine, something I don't normally get anymore, and could barely be out of bed.  But I went in, cooked her up a burger, a sweet potato, and some cottage cheese (something quick and easy and I was actually done in less than 10 minutes).  And it was done before 5:10.  So I told her that her dinner was ready.  And that's when it started.  

"OH MY GOD!  YOU DID NOT HAVE TO MAKE IT SO EARLY!  I WASN'T BLAMING YOU!!"  I just ignored her because I was confused by what she was even referring to, but then I remembered what she said earlier and rolled my eyes.  My making her dinner at 5 had nothing to do with her.  I make her dinner that early quite a bit of the time.  But she wanted to make it be all about her, so she would not fucking stop harassing me about it.  

During this horrible headache, I had bit a of a intestinal issue at the same time, which made me feel utterly horrible (I have IBS).  So I was running to the bathroom over and over again, and every single FUCKING TIME I left the room, she started screaming it at me again.  As though it was the most important thing in the god damned world that I know she didn't blame me for her high blood sugar...EVEN THOUGH I already explained to her annoying ass that it was the VA fucking up her meds and it had nothing to do with what she was eating.  So, that gave me oodles more anxiety, which was so much fun.  I felt like a fucking prisoner in my own room, and also in the bathroom.  She even tried to walk in on me in the bathroom to tell me her stupid spiel!!  

I wonder if she knows just what a fucking nuisance she is with her narcissistic behavior?  I mean, she's better, but then there are days like yesterday when I want to fart in her face and run away from home.  

But today, she got me!  I checked her blood sugar and her blood pressure and she started in again and I said to her "What ARE you even talking about?  I feed you at that time or near it every single day!"  She replies "No, you've been giving me dinner around 7."  I glared at her.  "For TWO DAYS, ma!  Only two days!  Every other damned day I feel you between 5-6.  So, what are you even talking about?"  "Well, because I said..."  "Ma!  You weren't even sick because of your blood sugar!  It was your blood pressure!  The doc called back and said if you're high, and then it goes normal, you'll experience low blood pressure symptoms.  She said your pressures were not so low they need to change your meds.  So, none of this has anything to do with you eating at 7!"  She said "Oh, it was okay you fed me at 7."  

It was in this moment I just wanted to walk away and scream at the top of my lungs.  But I didn't.  I just called her bluff.  "I know that.  It's okay if you eat late once in awhile."  She replied "Oh, that's good.  Because...(insert the rest of her idiot story--aka lies, here)".  "Ma!  You are so freaking weird!  I don't even know what you're talking about!  Me feeding you at 5 had nothing to do with you at all!  Just drop it."  And I then shut her door and left.  

End scene.  

Yeah, I should have just walked away sooner, but she irritates me and I normally let her get away with being irritating and I say nothing, but there is a point when I can get my fill of just letting her get away with being annoying.  

If she didn't want me to think it was my fault, she wouldn't have been so adamant about it not being my fault.  The lady doth protest too much, methinks.  Shakespeare must have known my mother because she is the QUEEN of overacting.  I think he wrote this line for her.  

Here is the shitty thing: I have had blood sugar issues since I was a teen.  Not eating for almost two years will do that to you (I became anorexic in the 10th grade).  Eventually, your body is like "Oh, no food?  Well no blood sugar for you!!"  So, I've been prone to having passing out attacks when I don't get food or if I fast for too long.  And my mother knows this.  And back in the day when she used to be in charge of my life, she would make me run errands with her (she would literally make me go with her by offering to buy me groceries--which I desperately needed--and then telling me if I didn't go with her, I wouldn't get any groceries to feed my children) and she'd run me right through lunch time, which would make me feel like I was going to pass out.  To top it off, I have POTS, something I had no idea about, so that made it even worse.  And she knew I would feel sick as fuck (nausea, dizziness, etc.), and then she'd drop me off at home and let me drive her car and tell me specifically "My car is not allowed to go through drive-thrus!"  But by that point, I had no choice, as I was too sick to make anything myself and my children were too little to make food.  So, she'd give me her debit card to go get extra groceries (as she knew I had no money).  So I'd go to the grocery store, get a $1 item and get $20 cash back to go feed my family lunch.  I know it was assholey, but if I used her debit card to get food, she'd see and then punish me by not buying my family groceries next time.  Our foodstamps weren't enough to actually help us at the time, and were only make enough money to pay rent, and a couple of bills each month (which bill depended on which one was going to get shut off first).  Our first check of the month paid for rent, and we had $50 for the rest of two entire weeks.  I am not proud of what I did, but then again, I am.  She controlled my life with money.  And she knew she could do it, too.  Which is why she did it.  It was the only thing she could use to control us.  

Had she just brought me home before lunch time?  Or allow me enough time to get up and make something to bring with?  I would have eaten my own food (though, sometimes, I didn't have any, which she also was well aware of).  The worst part about it was that she KNEW how sick I'd feel, fucking with my blood sugar like that (I had hypoglycemia and reactive hypoglycemia), and she did not care one bit.  In fact, she did it on purpose to hurt me.  She wanted to feel like she had power.  And hurting me made her feel strong.  

And me, for two nights in a row, feeding her dinner late?  Did not make me feel powerful or happy or good.  My goal was not to hurt her.  My goal was to do something nice for her for once.  See, I always make her her own dinners.  They are basic, easy, and fast.  And they are food she prefers.  I try my best to make it lower carbohydrate and to make them well-rounded meals.  But once in awhile, I make her what I make the rest of my family.  I was making sausage lentil soup one night, and the next night I made hotdogs and brats on the grill (something she LOVES).  So, I included her in our dinner, which always take longer to make than her meals.  And it's never once messed with her blood sugar in the past.  If she's hungry beforehand, I'll give her a snack if it takes too long.  But the VA fucking up her meds just happen to coincide with my two late dinners and so she blamed me immediately for feeding her late (even though her symptoms were from her blood pressure and not her blood sugar).  

I just find it funny that both situations are about making someone wait to eat, both who have blood sugar issues, and the difference between the motivations for doing so.  I was trying to do something nice for her and she was trying to hurt me to benefit herself.  There is something so deeply sick in that.  A person who wanted to see their child suffer and not only not care, but do it in purpose.  To gain some kind of sick pleasure from doing so.  

That's the person I was adopted to.  That's the person who bought me like a package of baby parts, waiting to be molded into something like clay.  But then who realized I was not, in fact, empty, but my own person, but by then, it was too late to get a refund (though, today she says she would have given me back to the adoption agency if I had wanted to, no refunded needed!).  

Or maybe she bought me to abuse me.  Maybe she always knew that's exactly what she wanted?  Most likely not.  I don't think people fully realize who they are in any given situation until they are in that situation.  Yes, my mom's a sociopath, but I don't think for one moment she would have ever relished in hurting me if I were her little minion.  I think she loves hurting me because I am NOT her minion and I don't live my life for her.  I am different from her and she knows that deep down, I don't love her.  I care about her as I do any human being, but my actual love is saved for those who deserve it.  

And this?  Just another day to prove she doesn't deserve it.