I always have to tell her more than once.  Twice at least, but usually more.  Why?  Is she a child?  Does she have a learning disability?  Does she not understand what I am asking her to stop doing (or do)?  Does she maybe not speak my language?  Or maybe she thinks I am joking?  I am sure it's none of those reasons.  Mother just wants to do what mother wants to do, and screw anyone else.  I say to her politely "Stop messing with the front yard.  You have both side yards and the backyard to do things in leave the front to me.  Let me have my own space, please."  She argues with me, but relents.  But then the next day, she's out front with a shovel again.  So I say again, "I told you yesterday to leave the front yard alone.  Why do I have to tell you more than once?"  She gives me some silly answer, but I tell her to stop and she gets annoyed and tromps off with her shovel, back through the house to the back.  

But now, she's getting into my secret pantry.  See, I took our front hall closet and turned it into a secret pantry.  It took awhile, but she found out about it and at first, I wanted to put a lock on it.  My kids thought I was crazy, but now she's getting into it and taking food.  She had diabetes and I have to watch what she eats.  And that's where I store things that I control.  But now she's thinking she can have free reign over it.  And since I 100% know I cannot trust her to listen to me, I went out today to the hardware store and bought a padlock and a lock thingy to install on it.  I am not sure what they're called, so I will call it a lock thingy.  

Not only is it my secret pantry, it's where I store things she's not supposed to have.  She didn't even ask me if she could get into the pantry either, she asked my son while he was sleeping, and now thinks she can just go get what she likes out of it.  I am not even going to talk to her about it, since I have to lock it no matter what.  I'm just going to lock it up.  Now, I wish I could install a locking doorknob.  Which is something I bought to use on that door, but alas, the freaking doorknob is from 1973 and it's embedded into the door itself.  What the hell?  So now I have to put a padlock on it.  Great.  Now anyone that enters the house will see it.  Well, I bought a lock and the hardware to match the knob and they're both tiny and I am installing it right by the knob to make it blend in a little better.  This will be the interim lock until I can get the freaking doorknob removed and re-installed.  

I hate that I have to do these things, but hey, it gives me peace of mind to know that our shit is safe, and that she's not getting into things she's not supposed to have (and now, neither will my kids, which is nice side effect LOL).

I swear, this is harder (and more annoying) than being a parent.  I never had to lock shit up from my kids.  Ugh.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

So, her birthday and Mother's Day went by without her getting a card or a gift from me.  If you read the past two posts, you'd know why.  And she never said a word.  But then, as you read in my last post, she just decided to stop being mad at me, and not only started speaking to me again (after about 5 days or so blissful silence from her), but now she won't shut the fuck up.  

And then she gave me this card.  Mind you, I chose the card last year when I went to the Dollar Tree and got a huge mass of cards for her to send out to people on every subject.  So, she didn't pick the card out.  But she sure did write in it:

Happy Birthday,

I know I probably never say it enough but I really love you.  And so proud of you--And thank you is just a small word to thank you for all you do for me.

Love,

Mom  

Then, the card says it's printed stuff and she signs it "With all my love, Mom".  

Oh geezus.  Make me gag.  So, all these years where, she's written "Love ya!" on my cards, that really was on purpose.  So she knows exactly how to say things that nice moms say, but instead chose to say "love ya!" instead.  "Love ya!" is the phrase my mom picked up many years ago, in the mid twenty-teens.  It was a phrase her and one of the women in her posse, a woman named Valentine's, used to say to each other.  Valentine's was a user and a terrible person and a total idiot.  I feel mean saying that about her, but she really was.  Anyways, Valentine's, after her mother died, started calling my mother "mom" and "ma".  And my mom let her.  And the icing on the cake was that my mother and I had this thing we did, probably something a lot parents do with their own children which was throwing up the "I love you" sign in sign language to each other when I was leaving the house.  She started it and it was our "thing".  But then, out of the blue, one day she gave that to Valentine's.  I never did that with my mother again.  I refused to.  If our "special" thing was so easily given away?  Also, letting the crazy bitch call her mom?  Yeah.  I was done.  

When I went no contact with my mother in 2017, Valentine's died.  Then, Valentine's daughter, whom my mother hated with the fiery passion one normally would reserve for Hitler or Jeffery Dahmher, all of a sudden started coming around my mother.  So, my mother told this woman that she was her new daughter and the woman's kids were her new grandchildren.  And she posted all their pictures on her fridge.  Funny part?  The woman didn't have custody of her children and one of them was taken away from her at birth.  Then the woman got pregnant again and skipped town so child services wouldn't take her new baby away, like they did the last one.  

So, ladies and gents (do gents read my blog? probably not, but just in case),  I, like you, am purely replaceable.  And after I went no contact, my mother never once has signed a card "I love you" or "Love, Mom", it was always "Love ya, Mom".  And all those years I just knew that it was still a jab at me and every time I read it in a card, it just pissed me off and hurt my feelings.  But I did get used to it.  It's been awhile now.  

Then I get this stupid card, after what just happened.  And we all know it's only a manipulation to get back in my good graces.  And it's not going to work.  

And now my mother is super chatty at me and super hyper.  And I haven't really seen or spoken to her much this past week and now I am stuck with having to tell her to knock it off.  The other day I told her to STOP thanking me for making her dinner and gushing over how great it tastes.  We all know she has no sense of taste, so we know it's just a manipulation and it's fake as fuck.  But what I said to her is "it's just weird, nobody else in the house does that."  So, I wasn't here yesterday and she went to my husband and thanked him and gushed over the flavor of the food.  He said "I didn't cook this, Shay did."  She said "Well, she told me I can't thank her so I will thank you instead."  She knew he'd tell me so she's getting her way without defying what I asked.  So freaking manipulative.  I didn't mention it to her, and won't, because that's what she wants.  Unless she mentions it to me, which she might.  And then I will tell her how childish it was to do that.  But if she doesn't, I won't say a word.  

Anyways.  That's it for now.  I will write more later about all this, as I journaled some about it and will share it here, but I am tired of typing for now.  Though I will add that I did have a good birthday.  I spent the day cleaning out the garage to make room for my son's new kayak.  Now, that may sound like a chore, but in reality, I've been wanting clean that fucker out for months and now when I walk out there, I feel serene.  So, that was pretty rad.  And, I got some wonderful gifts from my hubby and kids, which I looooooove, so that was great, too.  She didn't ruin MY birthday, just hers.  Which was really freaking awesome.  

I mean, I get it.  My mother has always been the type of to have something horribly traumatic happen one day and the next act like nothing happen.  Nobody apologizes.  It's never brought up again.  Like my father beating her or them arguing likes crazy (and even violently).  Don't get me wrong, my mother also hit my father, but my mother did not beat my father.  She's always been violent, but more like a one-off smacking or slapping or something similar.  Whereas good 'ol dad used his fists or left bruises in one form or another.  But whoever did the violence, whether it be by words or hands, it didn't matter.  We never spoke of it again.  

Like I said, I get it.  It's a coping mechanism for her.  But nowadays, it's more of a cop-out, as she's the only one who's making mistakes and hurting people.  Nobody is doing bad things to her anymore.  So she's twisted this behavior as a way to get away with anything she likes.  But then again, it was always like that, too.  The "forgetting" has never been wholly self-protection.  It's always been half self-preservation.  A way to manipulate others into a pseudo-forgiving of her.  Even though nobody is actually forgiving anything.  

The "forgetting" is away for my mother to not have to take responsibility for anything.  To not have to take action or deal with any hard or difficult feelings.  I think that narcissists are literally incapable of dealing with anything more complicated than base feelings, like joy, anger, rage, etc.  But yet, they can weave these manipulative narratives and complex intricacies of lies.  I mean, they can't keep them straight, nor do they even try to.  But like I said, they can't actually deal with anything complicated.  Like the truth.  Or admitting they were acting from a place of pain.  They are incapable of even understanding those things.  They have zero ability to be introspective.  Nor would they even care to try to be.  

Yesterday, mother saw me go into my room and stopped me and giddily said "I need to Mr. Brooks to take me to the store tomorrow!  I will also need some money in my account!"  

Sigh. 

I just stared at her for a moment.  What the fuck was going on here?  

The day before, I let her have it.  She hadn't spoken to me since Wednesday and then she came up while I was cooking and said "Now that I finally can speak to you", as though I hadn't been around or been in her view in days, which was not true.  "I wanted to say I am sorry."  Oh boy.  And I wasn't having it. 

One thing I was proud for saying was "So, you talk shit about me on the phone to your friends, then you slap on a big 'ol smile and march into the room and act like I am the best thing in earth.  What's wrong with you??  That's not normal!"  

Her response was to say "Why do you listen to my phone calls?"  

The funny part is that she's admitting she does that all the time.  And she does it on a regular basis.  It's sick and twisted to be not only that two-faced, but sociopathic.  No guilt or anything.  Just so freaking pleased with herself that she pulled one over on me (or whoever she's doing that to) that she's literally happy to have this "secret".  Too bad it's not a secret anymore.  Too bad there is almost zero things she can hide from me anymore.  I feel so much less anxious when I know what's going on.  

Yelling at her did SQUAT.  All it did was make her say stupid things back to me.  BUT I did it anyways.  You know why?  She has to know that she can't resort to this shitty behavior and get away with it.  I want her to know that resorting to childish behavior like that is not only inappropriate but will not be tolerated in this house.  This helped remind me of what's important: 

So, when she said that about going today, I replied "Don't you just get scratch tickets for birthdays?"  She looked all mischievous and said "Maybe!" and ran away.  Goodness.  

I will be buying my own scratch tickets today.  Like I always do for my birthdays anymore.  And my hubby will give them to her to give to me.  

Since she said that, she's been acting like everything is normal.  I haven't.  And I don't know if I can ever again.  I've been pulling away from her for years.  And I wonder if this is what will sever the cord completely?  If so, I am ready for it.  I want to be done with playing pretend.  I just want to be real again.  

My birthday is tomorrow, and I am fully prepared for it to be crazy.  I hope it won't be.  But I understand if she ruins it.  I okay with that.  I am used to that.  I will have fun with my family no matter what she decides to do.  She's mentally ill and can't help it.  But I can just decide to have fun anyways.  

And with that, I can finally say the cord is gone.  I don't need to base my happiness on her moods anymore.  Or ever again.  And that's pretty freeing. 

Not a picture of my mother, but with the cigarette and look of annoyance, it's eerily similar.  

Anyways, let's celebrate Mother's Day talking about Mother's Day pasts in my life.

Now, unlike many daughters of narcissistic mothers, I do not hate this holiday.  I haven't been one to celebrate it too hard for my mother in a very long time.  I used to.  I used do everything I could to please her.  But it's been many years since I've even tried.  Nowadays, I just buy her a plant and that's that.  But today, she get's nothing.  You know why (if you've read what happened lately).  Also, my hubby lost his job, so we really don't have the money to spend on expensive plants.  So there.  I am not even buying myself a plant this year.  I just want to spend Mother's Day doing what I like.  Which may be cleaning out the garage.  Or, doing absolutely nothing.  Or maybe I'll play my two new video games.  Who knows!  It's a day where anything can happen.    Well, I hope anything good and no more tantrums from Mummy.  

So, back in early grade school, I used to buy my mother these really cool tulips one of the first grade teachers would bring to school.  He must have had a thousand of them, and would take the white ones and put them in colored water so they'd change to the color of the water.  I always thought that was pretty cool.  They were ten cents a piece.  And I'd buy as many as I could and bring them home for my mom.  I do not remember if she liked them or not.  I am sure she complained (if not to my face then behind my back).  But that's not what I remember.  I just remember how fun it was buying those tulips.  

Another year, I got her a golden apple necklace with a fake diamond in it.  It was from the sale at school where we could go buy our mothers gifts.  Our parents would bring us to school, give us money and we'd be allowed to shop alone.  That was also pretty cool.  She still has the necklace in her jewelry box, but never wears it.  Which is fine, because she doesn't wear any jewelry.  I thought that necklace was pretty cool and was very proud of myself for buying it.  Again, I can't remember how much she wore it and or anything about her, as my memory is all about the actual gift and not the (most likely) ungrateful recipient.  In some devious way, I'd like to find it and ask here where she got it and see if she makes up some stupid story about how it came into her possession.  She's notorious for that.  She once told her BFF that she got this music box from her on her eighth birthday.  Too bad when she was eight, it was 1955 and the song on the music box was "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" by BJ Thomas.  It was also too bad that BJ Thomas was only 13 in 1955.  My mother was having a HUGE meltdown because her BFF Christmas was confronting her about all the many, many things my mother had said behind her back and instead of addressing these things, my mother was performing some grandiose performance, proving just how loyal she was to her.  Too bad it was all lie.  But then again, what does my mother say that isn't a lie?

Though I do remember one year where she was wholly ungrateful on Mother's Day.  I was in my early twenties, married, and my son was around two years old, and I had sent my mother and mother-in-law together on a  Mother's Day scavenger hunt.  I had bought them movie tickets, a gift card to a restaurant, and some other things (like flowers and chocolates, etc.).  And they had to go find them all.  It was a very involved process of getting places to hold these things for us for them to find.  And all my mother did was fucking complain.  After that, I pulled back on Mother's Day celebrations with her.  She made me feel like I did something wrong by sending her with my mother-in-law and that I ruined Mother's Day for her.  But that's my mom for ya.  She always made me feel like I ruined everything, no matter what I did. 

I once threw my parents a surprise anniversary party with about 30 people in our house.  And it was perfect!  I mean, as perfect as any white-trash hoe-down could be.  And neither of my parents caught on and when they came home that day to a pitch black house, they had though someone broke in (because someone coughed in the darkness) and the lights flew on and we all screamed SURPRISE!!!  And they about fainted.  It was freaking awesome!  And all my mother about it was "People usually throw a surprise party for bigger anniversary, like their thirtieth, not their twenty-seventh" with a roll of her eyes.  Did I mention I was eleven?  

I cannot do anything right in her eyes.  

But guess what?  

As I got older, I adopted that terrible attitude.  But only on my birthdays.  Nobody could anything right on my birthdays.  I complained about everything, from what we did to what people bought me.  Nothing was ever good enough.  This went on for years.  And then one day, I looked at my husband and said "I think I am emulating my mother.  I don't think I am complaining because of the trauma of all those years of my parents doing bad thing on my birthdays, I think I am just emulating her shitty behavior.  Why??"  And when I realized this, I started to change.  And now my birthdays are awesome.  I don't care what we do or what I get or anything at all.  I went for so long unable to be happy on my birthdays, thinking I always deserved more for some reason, and I don't know how I never realized that's what I was doing.  But by doing that, being like her, I can see my mother's behavior for what it is: a bad fucking habit.  Her making feel like I am not good enough has nothing to do with me at all.  And instead, it has everything to do with her, and most likely, she is adopting the attitude of her own mother.  She probably does as she was taught.  But see, she's 76 now and has NO IDEA how to be introspective and change.  At least I realized the truth and broke free a while ago.  Thank freaking goodness.  But added to that, I now can take her behavior and understand why she is the way she is.  She's all surface with no depth.  Like a shallow pool.  She can't dig deeper and change.  Because there is no deeper.  She's like a kiddie pool nobody put a shock treatment in and so she's just full of nasty algae and bird shit, which just keeps accumulating every single year.  I try to clean it, but she's so meshed in with all that crap that it's impossible to separate anymore.  And maybe it was never possible to separate her from it to begin with. 

Anyways, my Mother's Day memories are now filled with the fun things my kids and hubby have done with me instead.  Also, I've come to realize that for me, Mother's Day is no big thing.  My birthday is in a few days and why should I get two days in one week?  That's weird.  So, I don't even have my kids or hubby buy me cards or gifts because there's no point.  It's a waste of money.  I usually just buy me and my mother a plant (but not this year).  My mother, on the other hand, commands these things.  SHE deserves both days, don't you know?  *hardeyeroll*

But this year it will be a quiet one.  I am sure my mother is still expecting a card and gifts.  And yes, I have a card for her.  Hell, I still have both her birthday cards, too.  But they will stay in my room and I will give them all to her next year.  Which would be funny because they have this year on them.  But that would just be perfect, would it not?  Ha! 

Anyways, happy Motherless Day to everyone <3  You can love Mother's Day with your children and separate it from your own mother's bullshit. Your kids deserve to be able to celebrate this day with their own mother that they love without your mother's drama infiltrating it.  So, if you hate this day, learn to heal for them instead.  Your kids deserve a normal life away from your mother's abuse.  And letting your mother ruin this day for your kids?  It's just letting her abuse your kids, even if she's not here.  Sever that cord between you and your mother.  Sever the hold she has on you.  And let your kids honor you as the wonderful mother you are <3 They deserve healing, too, just as you do.  

Fart on all the bad moms in the world and get your revenge by not letting them ruin this day for you.  If you have no kids?  Then learn to see this as just any other day.  Because remember: it's just a made up holiday that some person got the idea for that Hallmark jumped on and decided to capitalize for their benefit.  It really has no true meaning.  It's a capitalistic money making industry.  That's all.  

Happy Capitalistic Money Making Hallmark Holiday, y'all!  Now, go watch some movies and do whatever you like (kids or no kids)!! 

So, my mother's BFF Christmas called me when we were on our way home from the store.  We had to go pick up a water cooler thingy because our water is contaminated with PFAs.  Then we stopped at the grocery store and came home.  And the reason C called was because she couldn't get through to my mother on her birthday.

So, I gave her her phone and C called just as I did.  Right before she called, my mother has been being an asshole since the day before, doing the work I asked my son to do.  He didn't do it fast enough, so she was showing him up by doing the things instead (like carrying stuff through the yard--which is something she should not be doing as she's unsteady on her feet).  I told her to stop, and then she got a the call from C.  And it wasn't even two minutes before she started in.  

I saw my mother get out of her seat and walk away into the yard, so I ran into my son's room who's window was open and listened.  I KNEW she was going to say something she didn't want us to hear, and I was 100% right.  C asked if we did anything for her birthday, so she started in and said "They don't do anything speedy around here" in an exasperated voice.  "I am just so sick and tired of sitting around and watching them do nothing."  And then she started bashing my husband, saying he's been out of work for two weeks and is just now mowing the lawn for the first time.  C replied "I just came over the other day and the lawn was mowed."  My mother replied "Sure, but he only did half of it."  Not true, the battery died and we maybe missed a quarter of it, but it's sparse and you really could not tell.  

My mother NEVER bashes Mr. Brooks.  Never.  But I guess she's in such a horrible mood that she's even picking on him, as though it was only his job to mow.  Funny thing, I mowed half the front myself, and part of the back, but she acted like he was the only one that was moving and/or already mowed.  But that's my mother for ya.  I am fucking invisible.  

She also said we didn't get up until noon today (not true) and we waited to grocery shopping at 4, meaning we are lazy asses and don't go the store until late in the day.  I mean, she's not wrong, we do grocery shop late.  I hate going early.  Also, I am not a fucking morning person.  I get up at 10am (sorry early birds, I just can't do it), and sometimes I have sleep inertia that can last for a long period of time (it's a sleep disorder thing) so I don't leave my room right away.  OR, I am working (writing, etc.) and I don't leave my room either.  Usually I don't leave my room because of her.  I don't want to see her or deal with her always asking me to do something for her (which is the only reason she talks to me).  But to her, I must be sleeping.  Because why else would I be in my room so much?  

Today?  We didn't leave the house until 4 because we were cleaning the house all fucking day.  We had tons of things to do.  But she was too busy hiding from us to see that.  Just like she does on every holiday.  Brooding and being pissed off that she's not in control of anything anymore.  Brooding because she can't make our lives a living hell anymore.  What a nice person she is. 

Anyways, C wasn't listening to her, so she kept on pressing the issue, that we were lazy fucks who did nothing.  The funny thing is she was "tired of watching us do nothing" yet my mother literally does nothing.  

She said a whole slew of other things that I literally cannot remember in this moment (maybe I will later?).  

So she hangs up, and comes into the house and says "Wow, I've been doing nothing all day long!"  I laughed really hard and said "Oh wow, that's funny."  She said "What?"  So, I looked at her in the face and repeated myself slowly with the same inflections in my voice.  I was PISSED.  I knew I wouldn't be able to hold it in and told my son and husband to leave the room so I could have at it.  

I gave her her dinner (I had planned a nice dinner with the whole family--she ended up with leftovers because fuck her) and said "Oh, by the way, I was wrapping your gifts in my son's room who's window was open and heard all the shit you were talking about me and my family to C".  She literally played dumb.  "What are you talking about?  I didn't say anything!"  

I looked at her and paused and stared at her for a moment.  I said "Are you kidding me right now?  Don't play dumb."  "What??  What did I say?" she asked.  I replied "Do not play dumb.  I HEARD you.  For one, you said you were tired of sitting around all day watching us do nothing.  Plus all that other shit."  Her eyes widened and she stared at me and then looked down at her book and ignored me.  So I went on.  "What is wrong with you?"  She said "Oh Shay!" I said "FUCK OFF!  YOU CANNOT TREAT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE THIS WAY AND EXPECT THEM TO BE HAPPY WITH YOU!!"  And I slammed my door.  It wasn't what I wanted to say.  It was lame.  But it was what I said, so there's no taking it back.  Then I opened my door with her HUGE box of gifts and said "I am going to put these in your room so you can open them alone since that seems to be what you want!!!"  She said "Don't bother."  But I threw the box in and slammed her door and then went back to my room.  But later, she was out smoking, so I went into her room and took the box back.  Because fuck her.  I got her a HUGE box filled with the things she wanted and likes and now they are all mine (minus her shitty books she can have).  One thing I am returning to Amazon (I just put in for a refund).  And the rest I will probably donate.  

The old me would still give them to her.  I am not the old me.  I am so tired of this shit.  And I am done allowing it to happen without consequences.  She gets no birthday gifts this year.  Granted, she will tell people this.  But then I will call them and tell them exactly why.  I mean, if I even care to.  

The biggest issue here?  Is why do I care so much?  Why did I let it bother me so much?  I am just so tired of feeling inadequate.  I am so tired of feeling like a loser in my own house.  I have severe anxiety (though it's not severe all the time, but when it is, it can be debilitating), and I am not a morning person, and I have ADHD.  So, this combo makes for not a perfect person, in my mother's eyes.  And anything less than perfect, and you're a total loser.  I mean, I can do things perfectly for a year, and then make one mistake and she's back to acting like I do nothing but make mistakes.  And when she points out the fact she thinks I am a loser out to me (all the time, for my entire life), it just reopens old wounds that cannot heal as long as I am around her.  I cannot be myself or fulfill my full potential in life as long as I am around someone who thinks my potential is dirt.  I keep trying to "do it anyways", but it's not easy.  None of this is easy.  It wouldn't be easy even if she wasn't here due to my ADHD, anxiety, migraines, POTS, and all the other BS that's a part of my life, but having her here makes it damn near impossible.  But I keep trying.  I don't give up, because if I did, I'd never forward.  

I tried to calling Christmas yesterday to talk to her about what I heard and to tell her to stop listening to my mother's lies, but she didn't answer.  Maybe she'll call me back today?  If not, I will try calling again.  Again, I know I should not care, but I do.  And I am going to clear things up with her.  I know, it sounds stupid and pointless.  I know it is.  But this time, I feel I have to do it anyways.  

Mother's Day is Sunday.  My birthday is a week away.  Both days I will not be including her in.  

Also, has anyone ever sued an adoption agency for the adoption fees?  Because I would like to.  I think I could win, too.  Maybe.  But I'd like to try and see.  Because why do they get the money when I was the one who paid for their mistake with my entire life so far??  I want interest, too.  I even have the receipts.  Any lawyer out there want to take the case? 

I am stoked because this year I got her two birthday cards and a Mother's Day card that are not only benign (meaning, they don't over-praise her for being a mom or show too much love), but also are perfect in their wording.  SHE won't get it.  She will think they are cute.  But I get it.  And I am laughing manically on the inside because of just how perfect they are.  Here are her cards: