Not a picture of my mother, but with the cigarette and look of annoyance, it's eerily similar.  

Anyways, let's celebrate Mother's Day talking about Mother's Day pasts in my life.

Now, unlike many daughters of narcissistic mothers, I do not hate this holiday.  I haven't been one to celebrate it too hard for my mother in a very long time.  I used to.  I used do everything I could to please her.  But it's been many years since I've even tried.  Nowadays, I just buy her a plant and that's that.  But today, she get's nothing.  You know why (if you've read what happened lately).  Also, my hubby lost his job, so we really don't have the money to spend on expensive plants.  So there.  I am not even buying myself a plant this year.  I just want to spend Mother's Day doing what I like.  Which may be cleaning out the garage.  Or, doing absolutely nothing.  Or maybe I'll play my two new video games.  Who knows!  It's a day where anything can happen.    Well, I hope anything good and no more tantrums from Mummy.  

So, back in early grade school, I used to buy my mother these really cool tulips one of the first grade teachers would bring to school.  He must have had a thousand of them, and would take the white ones and put them in colored water so they'd change to the color of the water.  I always thought that was pretty cool.  They were ten cents a piece.  And I'd buy as many as I could and bring them home for my mom.  I do not remember if she liked them or not.  I am sure she complained (if not to my face then behind my back).  But that's not what I remember.  I just remember how fun it was buying those tulips.  

Another year, I got her a golden apple necklace with a fake diamond in it.  It was from the sale at school where we could go buy our mothers gifts.  Our parents would bring us to school, give us money and we'd be allowed to shop alone.  That was also pretty cool.  She still has the necklace in her jewelry box, but never wears it.  Which is fine, because she doesn't wear any jewelry.  I thought that necklace was pretty cool and was very proud of myself for buying it.  Again, I can't remember how much she wore it and or anything about her, as my memory is all about the actual gift and not the (most likely) ungrateful recipient.  In some devious way, I'd like to find it and ask here where she got it and see if she makes up some stupid story about how it came into her possession.  She's notorious for that.  She once told her BFF that she got this music box from her on her eighth birthday.  Too bad when she was eight, it was 1955 and the song on the music box was "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" by BJ Thomas.  It was also too bad that BJ Thomas was only 13 in 1955.  My mother was having a HUGE meltdown because her BFF Christmas was confronting her about all the many, many things my mother had said behind her back and instead of addressing these things, my mother was performing some grandiose performance, proving just how loyal she was to her.  Too bad it was all lie.  But then again, what does my mother say that isn't a lie?

Though I do remember one year where she was wholly ungrateful on Mother's Day.  I was in my early twenties, married, and my son was around two years old, and I had sent my mother and mother-in-law together on a  Mother's Day scavenger hunt.  I had bought them movie tickets, a gift card to a restaurant, and some other things (like flowers and chocolates, etc.).  And they had to go find them all.  It was a very involved process of getting places to hold these things for us for them to find.  And all my mother did was fucking complain.  After that, I pulled back on Mother's Day celebrations with her.  She made me feel like I did something wrong by sending her with my mother-in-law and that I ruined Mother's Day for her.  But that's my mom for ya.  She always made me feel like I ruined everything, no matter what I did. 

I once threw my parents a surprise anniversary party with about 30 people in our house.  And it was perfect!  I mean, as perfect as any white-trash hoe-down could be.  And neither of my parents caught on and when they came home that day to a pitch black house, they had though someone broke in (because someone coughed in the darkness) and the lights flew on and we all screamed SURPRISE!!!  And they about fainted.  It was freaking awesome!  And all my mother about it was "People usually throw a surprise party for bigger anniversary, like their thirtieth, not their twenty-seventh" with a roll of her eyes.  Did I mention I was eleven?  

I cannot do anything right in her eyes.  

But guess what?  

As I got older, I adopted that terrible attitude.  But only on my birthdays.  Nobody could anything right on my birthdays.  I complained about everything, from what we did to what people bought me.  Nothing was ever good enough.  This went on for years.  And then one day, I looked at my husband and said "I think I am emulating my mother.  I don't think I am complaining because of the trauma of all those years of my parents doing bad thing on my birthdays, I think I am just emulating her shitty behavior.  Why??"  And when I realized this, I started to change.  And now my birthdays are awesome.  I don't care what we do or what I get or anything at all.  I went for so long unable to be happy on my birthdays, thinking I always deserved more for some reason, and I don't know how I never realized that's what I was doing.  But by doing that, being like her, I can see my mother's behavior for what it is: a bad fucking habit.  Her making feel like I am not good enough has nothing to do with me at all.  And instead, it has everything to do with her, and most likely, she is adopting the attitude of her own mother.  She probably does as she was taught.  But see, she's 76 now and has NO IDEA how to be introspective and change.  At least I realized the truth and broke free a while ago.  Thank freaking goodness.  But added to that, I now can take her behavior and understand why she is the way she is.  She's all surface with no depth.  Like a shallow pool.  She can't dig deeper and change.  Because there is no deeper.  She's like a kiddie pool nobody put a shock treatment in and so she's just full of nasty algae and bird shit, which just keeps accumulating every single year.  I try to clean it, but she's so meshed in with all that crap that it's impossible to separate anymore.  And maybe it was never possible to separate her from it to begin with. 

Anyways, my Mother's Day memories are now filled with the fun things my kids and hubby have done with me instead.  Also, I've come to realize that for me, Mother's Day is no big thing.  My birthday is in a few days and why should I get two days in one week?  That's weird.  So, I don't even have my kids or hubby buy me cards or gifts because there's no point.  It's a waste of money.  I usually just buy me and my mother a plant (but not this year).  My mother, on the other hand, commands these things.  SHE deserves both days, don't you know?  *hardeyeroll*

But this year it will be a quiet one.  I am sure my mother is still expecting a card and gifts.  And yes, I have a card for her.  Hell, I still have both her birthday cards, too.  But they will stay in my room and I will give them all to her next year.  Which would be funny because they have this year on them.  But that would just be perfect, would it not?  Ha! 

Anyways, happy Motherless Day to everyone <3  You can love Mother's Day with your children and separate it from your own mother's bullshit. Your kids deserve to be able to celebrate this day with their own mother that they love without your mother's drama infiltrating it.  So, if you hate this day, learn to heal for them instead.  Your kids deserve a normal life away from your mother's abuse.  And letting your mother ruin this day for your kids?  It's just letting her abuse your kids, even if she's not here.  Sever that cord between you and your mother.  Sever the hold she has on you.  And let your kids honor you as the wonderful mother you are <3 They deserve healing, too, just as you do.  

Fart on all the bad moms in the world and get your revenge by not letting them ruin this day for you.  If you have no kids?  Then learn to see this as just any other day.  Because remember: it's just a made up holiday that some person got the idea for that Hallmark jumped on and decided to capitalize for their benefit.  It really has no true meaning.  It's a capitalistic money making industry.  That's all.  

Happy Capitalistic Money Making Hallmark Holiday, y'all!  Now, go watch some movies and do whatever you like (kids or no kids)!!