I mean, I get it.  My mother has always been the type of to have something horribly traumatic happen one day and the next act like nothing happen.  Nobody apologizes.  It's never brought up again.  Like my father beating her or them arguing likes crazy (and even violently).  Don't get me wrong, my mother also hit my father, but my mother did not beat my father.  She's always been violent, but more like a one-off smacking or slapping or something similar.  Whereas good 'ol dad used his fists or left bruises in one form or another.  But whoever did the violence, whether it be by words or hands, it didn't matter.  We never spoke of it again.  

Like I said, I get it.  It's a coping mechanism for her.  But nowadays, it's more of a cop-out, as she's the only one who's making mistakes and hurting people.  Nobody is doing bad things to her anymore.  So she's twisted this behavior as a way to get away with anything she likes.  But then again, it was always like that, too.  The "forgetting" has never been wholly self-protection.  It's always been half self-preservation.  A way to manipulate others into a pseudo-forgiving of her.  Even though nobody is actually forgiving anything.  

The "forgetting" is away for my mother to not have to take responsibility for anything.  To not have to take action or deal with any hard or difficult feelings.  I think that narcissists are literally incapable of dealing with anything more complicated than base feelings, like joy, anger, rage, etc.  But yet, they can weave these manipulative narratives and complex intricacies of lies.  I mean, they can't keep them straight, nor do they even try to.  But like I said, they can't actually deal with anything complicated.  Like the truth.  Or admitting they were acting from a place of pain.  They are incapable of even understanding those things.  They have zero ability to be introspective.  Nor would they even care to try to be.  

Yesterday, mother saw me go into my room and stopped me and giddily said "I need to Mr. Brooks to take me to the store tomorrow!  I will also need some money in my account!"  

Sigh. 

I just stared at her for a moment.  What the fuck was going on here?  

The day before, I let her have it.  She hadn't spoken to me since Wednesday and then she came up while I was cooking and said "Now that I finally can speak to you", as though I hadn't been around or been in her view in days, which was not true.  "I wanted to say I am sorry."  Oh boy.  And I wasn't having it. 

One thing I was proud for saying was "So, you talk shit about me on the phone to your friends, then you slap on a big 'ol smile and march into the room and act like I am the best thing in earth.  What's wrong with you??  That's not normal!"  

Her response was to say "Why do you listen to my phone calls?"  

The funny part is that she's admitting she does that all the time.  And she does it on a regular basis.  It's sick and twisted to be not only that two-faced, but sociopathic.  No guilt or anything.  Just so freaking pleased with herself that she pulled one over on me (or whoever she's doing that to) that she's literally happy to have this "secret".  Too bad it's not a secret anymore.  Too bad there is almost zero things she can hide from me anymore.  I feel so much less anxious when I know what's going on.  

Yelling at her did SQUAT.  All it did was make her say stupid things back to me.  BUT I did it anyways.  You know why?  She has to know that she can't resort to this shitty behavior and get away with it.  I want her to know that resorting to childish behavior like that is not only inappropriate but will not be tolerated in this house.  This helped remind me of what's important: 

So, when she said that about going today, I replied "Don't you just get scratch tickets for birthdays?"  She looked all mischievous and said "Maybe!" and ran away.  Goodness.  

I will be buying my own scratch tickets today.  Like I always do for my birthdays anymore.  And my hubby will give them to her to give to me.  

Since she said that, she's been acting like everything is normal.  I haven't.  And I don't know if I can ever again.  I've been pulling away from her for years.  And I wonder if this is what will sever the cord completely?  If so, I am ready for it.  I want to be done with playing pretend.  I just want to be real again.  

My birthday is tomorrow, and I am fully prepared for it to be crazy.  I hope it won't be.  But I understand if she ruins it.  I okay with that.  I am used to that.  I will have fun with my family no matter what she decides to do.  She's mentally ill and can't help it.  But I can just decide to have fun anyways.  

And with that, I can finally say the cord is gone.  I don't need to base my happiness on her moods anymore.  Or ever again.  And that's pretty freeing.