Well, it's this blog's 10-year-anniversary and I almost missed it.  Why?  Because I am ADHD and don't think about things outside my immediate attention most of the time.  This is why I have a calendar that reminds me of things.  But I didn't put this on my calendar.  I was counting the years of something else when I realize, "Oh wait, I think it's been almost 10 years now....".  So, I went back and looked and sure enough, it had been.  

Wow.  10 years since The Great Awakening (which is me finding out my mother has narcissistic personality disorder and it changing my life forever).  10 years since this path started.  I honestly can't believe it.  2013 doesn't feel so long ago.  And here we are in 2023.  

And I am so ready to move on from all of this.  I feel like my family is in a state of limbo, just waiting to see what happens next.  I feel like we're stuck and sad and have nowhere to go but...well, nowhere.  It's a horrible feeling and my oldest right now is dealing with it the worst.  And while I'm trying to take care of my family, my mother keeps having issues of her own.  And I just wish there was someone else to take care of her.  I wish we had the money to walk away and hire someone to come in and live with her in this house.  I mean, the money is partially there.  But we don't have our own money to leave quite yet.  Also, my family is going through a huge change right now and we don't know how to deal with it quite yet.  And financially, I am not sure we'll ever be able to leave. 

At the same time, I also feel that we're on the verge of something.  The precipice of the future.  Like the 3 of Wands card of the tarot.  Have you ever always wanted something, only to get it and when you do, you have ZERO idea of what to do with it?  It's utterly crazy making.  It's like, isn't this what we've always wanted?  We seem to always get what we want, but whenever get it, we realize it either comes with a price (like having enough money to live on) or it's not as easy as we thought it would be (what we're going through right now).  I am a bit of an idealist.  A dreamer.  I romanticize things.  I assume things will be easy, but so much of my life is me thinking the answers will just automatically come to me when the times comes, but instead, my brain is just sitting there completely blank.  I used to think we could live off-grid on a piece of a land.  But then the other night our freaking electricity went out and we all panicked, not knowing how we could get to sleep in the heat.  Thank goodness it was only a few hours and not days.  How on earth could my family live off-grid? LOL  How stupid can I be at times thinking everything will always just "work out"?  It doesn't.  This started in 2018 when we thought moving to a 20-acre piece of land 500 miles away was just going to "work out".  Turns out, it just made us homeless.  It was a harsh lesson to learn.  But we needed to learn it.  

Also, we lived as though our money would never run out back in 2018, even though no more was coming in.  And when it did, it was a harsh reality eye-opener.  We are in that same position right now.  We need to learn we can't spend money like we still have more coming regularly. Yet, we're going to get more soon, but we have to try to make it last as much as we can, otherwise we'll be screwed again.  And our fucking septic lines are leaking into our yard, so that's even more money we cannot afford to fix.  So, when we move, our dream was always to go live on a lot of land, and have septic.  NOPE.  Next to try: composting toilets.  Or just get city water and sewage.  

Also, living tiny only works if you don't have four people in the same house.  We either all need to have our own tiny home or we need to have a LARGE home that fits us all.  I am tired of not having enough room.  Right now I am working in a tiny corner of my bedroom, when I used to have an entire room to work in (I still have the room, but it floods and my stuff isn't safe in there).  In our old house, I had a studio on the second floor.  We need another two-story house.  But how will we ever afford one?  

Just when you have things all figured out, you realize you never had anything figured out at all.  

And I am really trying hard to make a go of my store.  I didn't realize just hard it would be having POTS and migraines and anxiety.  I am never well enough to just get on a roll and get a bunch of stuff done.  It seems I get into a groove, get sick, take a break, work again, get sick, take a break, etc. etc.  It feels like I am doing nothing at all.  Like constantly starting and stopping, like a wheel of a cart that keeps catching on rocks.  Yes, you'll get to where you want to go, but it's going to take a really, really long time.  But if I can make a go of it and it works?  I will make enough money to help my family.  I just don't have the time to wait anymore.  I wish I could feel well enough to just have a few months of feeling normal so I can just churn things out and get going on this.  So much of my time is just pushing through the pain even though I should be resting.

I will say, in this moment, when I look back to ten years ago, I can't say if my health is worse or the same (it's definitely not better, that I know).  But things with my mother is definitely better.  I mean, those are famous last words, eh?  I keep saying things like that and BAM!  She does something crazy.  But those instances are a few times a year now, compared to daily.  AND, overall, our daily lives are so much better, in every single way possible with her.  Here are the things that have changed over the past 10 years: 

1. She no longer moves our personal belongings.  She also doesn't clean areas she's not supposed to clean anymore (meaning she doesn't go into a room full of OUR stuff and clean it and then put our stuff all over the place where we can't find it).  No more rearranging the kitchen cabinets.  No more rearranging the bathroom cabinets (which was all MY stuff).  No more touching anything that's not hers.  She cleans her room and sometimes sweeps and cleans up the floor in the kitchen, but hardly ever.  It's bliss.  Before, she used to be like a woman possessed with the spirit of an insane person freaking the fuck out 500 times a day, screaming about this or that, and moving everything around, just to move it.  Like manic-style.  All of that seems to be gone now.  
2. She no longer is charge of anything.  Like holidays, shopping days, birthdays, household chores, household repairs, cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, or anything at all.  I took all her power away.  I hate saying that, but I had to.  With my mother, she either has all the power, or no power.  There is no in-between.  She cannot share power.  AT ALL.  So I had to take it away for the safety and sanity of the rest of us.  And for a long while, it led her into a deep depression.  She either had to stay busy, so she could forget about the emptiness that lived inside of her, or have nothing to do and face the emptiness.  Well, she faced it and now she's come out the other side and is better.  It was not pretty when it happened, but now?  She's dealt with the emptiness and either realized it's not so bad, or she found a way to pretend it's not there by playing video games all day.  My grandmother filled her days with solitaire with a deck of playing cards.  And now my mother is doing the same, but on the computer.  But in actuality, I think the reason it's better, I think her dementia has taken away the emptiness.  I think it's made her forget about it.  Which is a good thing.  While I do not like the person my mother was before, I do not want her to suffer.  So, having the dementia make her forget she's a shell of a person with no hopes or dreams or hobbies, other than hurting people?  It's a wonderful thing.  For both my family and her.  
3. She has finally learned boundaries.  Not because she respects them, but she knows she'll get into trouble (trouble for her is not getting the snackies she's asked for, like apple juice or candy).  Before, she used to have a key to my apartment.  Then to my house.  Then to my other house.  But after all that, she tried to get a key to my next house...and I wised up.  I said no.  She didn't like that, because my mother is all about being a space invader.  To come into your space whenever she pleases.  She has ZERO respect for privacy or pretty much anything at all.  But she demanded respect for herself, of course LOL  When we moved in here, I no longer could say no to her having a key to my house, since she lived here too.  So she used my bedroom in the same way.  Why are narcissists like that?  Why do they think they are so fucking entitled?  She would come into my room while I was dressing, I'd yell for her to stop, she'd say "You ain't got nothing I ain't seen before!!"  Sigh.  So I got a lock on my door.  It took almost a fucking year for her to actually realize she's not allowed in my room.  A YEAR!  But now she refuses to open my bedroom door.  Thank goodness.  

10 years ago today, I was bewildered and confused and didn't know what was going on.  I could not figure out how my mother was lying to me about my father's abuse.  Saying "I don't know what home you grew up in, but I sure wasn't there!".  It's like having your entire reality just melt away before your eyes.  Everything I thought I knew about her was wrong.  Everything I thought I knew about my entire fucking life, WAS WRONG.  I was 36 years old and I had never been more confused in my life.  Thank goodness I didn't have high blood pressure back then, I may have had a heart attack.  I was so mad and so angry and so hurt and so confused.  But little did I know how much that single act my cousin took, about telling my mother about the blog I wrote about growing up with child abuse, how much that would change my life for the better.  Yes, I was a happier person not knowing the truth.  BUT it was living in a fantasy world my mother constructed for me.  Do you remember that scene at the end of Labyrinth where Sarah was in her room and she realized it wasn't real, it was actually a garbage dump falling down all around her?  That's exactly how it feels to realize your parent has NPD.  Nothing is real and it's all fucking garbage.  

Now, imagine us living with my mother, with her not changed at all, and us going through our life circumstances right now.  I mean, had my mother not changed and she didn't let me take her car keys away right after we all moved in here, and we'd probably all be dead right now.  She'd had run out and gotten the BAD covid and given it to us.  Because my mother is seriously stupid and thinks she's a badass who doesn't have to play by the rules.  She doesn't even wash her hands after using the toilet!!  And when she does wash her hands, for whatever reason, she doesn't even use soap.  Her dementia saved us all.  But if by some chance we had all survived and didn't die, if we were going through what we are going through right now, the amount of stress would drive us all insane.  Not her.  She was born insane.  But she'd squander all her money away, not pay her bills, and we'd all be homeless.  And my husband would be suffering even more than he is now.  Yeah, it would be horrible.  Then again, I don't think I could still be living with her had she not have changed.  I'd been driven to the edge a long time ago and we'd had moved out.  For real, my anxiety and depression was getting to the point I couldn't function anymore.  Which is why I went no contact with her in 2017.  All my childhood issues came ROARING back.  Things I thought I had overcome a LONG time ago.  It also doesn't help this house looks like my childhood home with a bedroom ceiling light that looks like my childhood bedroom's ceiling light, and the same bricks out front as my childhood home.  How come I didn't notice this when we bought it?

In ten years, we moved out of poverty (though we're back in it for now, but it's only temporary), we took away all my mother's control over our lives, and we own a hybrid car (which I think is pretty cool).  We've experienced life during this time, by going no contact with my mother for 14 months, becoming homeless, and finding our way back again.  We've been diagnosed with things we've suffered from most of our lives that took until now to get the diagnoses.  We've lost 5 dogs: Angel, Harley, Daisy, Buddy, and Cooper, and our 2 cats Harry and Dobby.  We've researched narcissism to the point that we can almost tell upon meeting someone if they are a narcissist or not (almost--even if not a narcissist, we can tell they are toxic). Even my kids have this skill now.   I've consistently blogged for 10 straight years about this all, too, which for me is a fucking feat!  LOL  Ten years ago today, I started this blog, not having any idea of where this will take me.  And here we are, ten years later, having been on a long and strenuous and wonderful ride.  So many great memories and many not so great ones.  But mixed together, that's called life.  And we've lost a few people along the way (my mother's posse), but overall, it's been great.  Here are some of the great memories: 

• I changed the name of this blog from "Girl Lost" to "Healing From Her", because I felt that I was no longer lost anymore.  
• I took photography classes and actually learned how to use my camera. I started a photography business and did well, but my fibromyalgia kicked in and made me pay for it, so I stopped (stupid, I know).  Even so, it was a great experience, and what I learned I will use for my store.
• I started my own store. Something I've always wanted to do.  
• My family went on many excursions to the various parks in our town, something we all love to do. I have loads of wonderful pictures we've taken throughout the years.
• I wrote four memoirs and have almost completed a few more (though that was in 2020 alone).
• I've written many fiction stories/books.  
• My kids reconnected with their father after five years of radio silence.  It's been a good thing for them. 
• My husband got a wonderful job at place down the street that pays quite well.  He did end up leaving, but that was due to medical issues. 
• We got two wonderful dogs, Kobe and Arthur, funnily both from my ex-husband.  They are our only two left and are both dogs who love snuggles and give hugs.  
• My hubby started his journey a few years ago to get his Master's degree. 
• We had fifteen chickens last year.  It was a wonderful experience and I cannot wait to have chickens again.  Just less of them and closer to the house (and we need to be living somewhere else). 
• We got Tilly, our fourth tortie.  She's cute and sweet and crazy.  She was starving to death when she came to us and we brought her back to good health and she's perfect now 💖  She's insane, but she's perfect.
• And I found Buddhism.  And it has saved my sanity. 
• I have many more things I could add, but I will stop writing for now.  I have other things I need to be doing (like not going outside--air quality is horrible today, fucking fires!).