Today after Christmas left, my son came up to me and said "Did you hang out with Grandma and Christmas all afternoon on purpose?"  I said yes.  He said "Ha!  Yeah, she knows damn well she can't ask you to leave because what other reason would someone have to ask someone else to leave unless they were going to talk shit about them!"  I laughed and said "Exactly."  

Before we moved here, I hung out with my mom and Christmas and their gang of wayward weirdos every single day.  So, this wasn't out of the ordinary.  It's just been the past three years since moving in here have I left my mother to her own devices with her friends.  And since finding out she's using that time to do devious things behind my back, that's no longer an option for her anymore.  Now, we're all gonna hang out together, every single time.  

Good thing Christmas is her last friend, because goodness knows I would not want to hang out with any of her other ones.  Ugh.  

Anyways, today I served coffee cake and apple cider and coffee and cinnamon rolls and we all chatted around our kitchen table.  Then mother started bashing one of the girls from her old gang, one of the ones that died, and Christmas joined in.  I hated the woman (who I haven't talked about in years, but used to call her BM so I will call her that for this blog post), so even though I do not advocate for letting my mother talk shit about other people, especially one of her friends, this particular woman was a total two-faced asshole who used my mother, Christmas, and myself, for as much as she could take us for.  BUT...then my mother started in on her old trademark bullshit grandiloquence of stating how she "never once felt sorry for BM's mother, who allowed her child to be abused by her husband".  This was something she said quite often back in the twenty-tens, prior to The Great Awakening (when I started this blog), and I would sit there and look at her and think "You did the SAME thing to me!"  But then I rationalized it away by thinking maybe it was her secret way of apologizing?  Yes, that's it!  She can't say something like that with a straight face and think she wasn't as guilty of that as BM's mother was.  Turns out, I was 100% wrong and she refused to admit my father abused me (which is The Great Awakening--realizing 'ol mother was a narcissist).  

Well, she said it again today.  And I ALMOST laughed out loud.  But then Christmas added "Well, then I don't blame her (BM) for using her mother for all she had.  She was a terrible mother."  So, I saw my chance to relate my situation with my own mother sitting at the table to BM and her mother.  So, I added "Damn straight, her mother owed her!"  Christmas smiled and said "She sure did!"  And my husband laughed, knowing I was talking about my own mother.  I am not sure if Christmas got it, too.  And I am sure my own mother didn't.  But it doesn't matter.  I got to say it LOL  And I finally got to say something when she brought it up again.  It's been probably at least five years since she's said it last, so it felt good to bounce back with something.  

So, then Christmas left, and I offered to back her car up for her, so that way mother could not walk her to her car and say shit about me (or about the crap she wanted C to buy for her).  And that was that.  It went perfectly.  

Well, not at first.  At first, I was having such anxiety sitting at the table with my mother that I was dizzy and felt horrible and couldn't breathe right (my chest even hurt).  I sat there for about an half an hour that way until I'd had enough.  So I went to the bathroom and said to myself "Self, I do not know what manager is having an issue sitting with my mother at the dinner table, but know that I am safe.  Know that she cannot hurt me and I am okay.  So please, just let this manager slip out and put someone else in charge, because we are not eating dinner together, so you don't have to protect me right now."  

Did I feel like a fucking weirdo for talking to myself (well, whispering) in the bathroom today?  Yes.  But did it work?  Amazingly, yes.  I walked back out and just like that, my anxiety was 100% gone.  And I got to actually enjoy the rest of our visit.  

If you don't recognize what I was saying, then you need to learn about IFS (internal family systems).  Google it right now and let it blow your mind.  Managers in IFS are those who "manage" your reactions to situations and events in life.  Firefighters are the bozos who show up screaming, wanting to put the fire out (they are the reactionaries).  Both are protecting your inner children from being retraumatized.  And sitting at the dinner table with Mummy is a HUGE trigger for me.  I had forgotten since it's been so long.  So, I had to go in the bathroom and straighten myself out, and even though I didn't expect it to, it worked!!  So that was quite amazing!  I think that was the best thing out of this entire issue/event!  

So, I'll be doing more of that as time goes on.  If this entire issue with my idiot mother was to teach me how to do that?  Then it was worth it.  I am quite happy with how this has turned out so far.  Let's just hope it doesn't get worse.  Because we all know that narcissists love to make things worse.