Today I was watching the latest episode of "The Lost Flowers of Alice Hart" and I had a visceral flashback reaction to the episode.  Had I been alone, I would have let the episode wash over and let myself fully react to it.  But I was with my husband and I don't do shit like that in front of others.  He has no idea what it's like to experience physical abuse like that or watch it happen to your mother.  He has no idea what it's like to lay in your bed, and disassociate in order to remove yourself from being able to hear the abuse going on in the other room.  And he has no idea what it's like to still have triggered reactions to things in life due to this.  Nobody in my life does.  He had his own abuse in childhood.  But it wasn't like mine.  It was chaotic, loud, and terrifying.  His was more neglect and emotional abuse.  I got to hear the chairs being thrown, the glass breaking, the shoving of bodies into furniture.  I got to hear it all.  I even got to experience a bit myself, in childhood, teenage years, and adulthood.  And even got to experience some as an adult from my own crazy ass mother.  The last time she did it was Thanksgiving on 2022 (this past Thanksgiving) after I went to the ER the night before and almost needing surgery (but luckily didn't, but I was still in extreme pain).  It's funny.  After that night, I kept thinking "did I overreact?  was what she did as bad as I made it out to be?"  And after watching this, feeling that feeling in my gut all over again (though this time it was so much more than that), the answer is yes.  What she did that day was pretty fucking bad.  And I will not allow it to happen again without me having her committing to our hospital's psych floor for being violent.  

I am so angry right now.  After watching this entire show so far, and each episode reminds me of what I went through.  No, my father's physical violence was nowhere near as bad as this show, but it was bad.  And all I could see was my father's anger in the men's eyes (there are two so far that have beaten women) and realize I am not okay with my dad's behavior anymore.  Yes, I would say twelve years after his death, I did forgive him and heal from his abuse.  But healing doesn't always mean forever.  "I am healed" is not an "end" statement, like a destination you arrive at.  It's a "for now" statement.  A "in this moment statement".  I was healed.  I had forgiven him.  But I am heading back towards reopening those wounds again, and have been for a long time.  Or rather, I am peeling off the scab that never healed.  Not that it's a good thing to peel scabs off.  But sometimes there's infection underneath you need to let ooze out a little.  Infection you didn't realize was there.  Or maybe it's a reinfection?  Like, some kind of bacteria got in there and made a mess of things that you thought were long healed.  But just so you know, his abuse is the bacteria.  Not the shows I watch.  I am not reinfecting myself with them.  He's reinfecting me (as is my mother).  Because abuse is like chicken pox.  It will resurface forever, especially when you are mentally overwhelmed (like how chicken pox becomes shingles and manifest when you're physically run down).  I have been very open-wounded lately.  And those open wounds allow my abuse to bubble up to the surface again, forcing me to have to work through it in a different way all over again.  

I am creating a healing program for my healing circle that I am attempting to start and I think I will use the ideas I am making for my program to help me on this healing journey I am on, once again.  

Do you know how wonderful it feels to be "healed" and having forgiven your abuser?  Only to be enraged all over again eleven years later when things keep triggering you?   I've been triggered all throughout these years, but nothing ever made me feel like I was going backwards.  But I've come a startling conclusion through all of this: 

Perhaps he should have never been forgiven?  Perhaps I only did so in order to heal myself and it was best for me at the time.  But maybe I am ready now, to deal with things I never had the courage to deal with before?  And maybe this time around, I won't need to forgive him in order to heal?