Every single day, I seem to be falling further and further into my anxious brain.  I am trying really hard to push it so it doesn't get as bad as last time.  Because a) that sucked and b) my hubby will be working again soon and I can't do this shit alone.  So, I have to make it stop.  I think I am learning to do better and to make my brain work better, and most of all, push myself back into my role of WOTH (remember WOTH?? click here--this was the best idea I ever had) as I've let myself slide back into nothingness again.  

I forget I am the WOTH (woman of the house).  I tend to forget that I am in fucking charge and constantly revert back to my hiding bullshit, which makes me retreat into myself and pretend like I am not dealing with an elderly covert narcissist seahag who is intent on making my life miserable.  My mother loves it when I retreat.  Because when I don't, she pushes my boundaries, just to show me she can and also to drive me fucking batty.  But I am not her child.  I am an adult.  And I am the one in charge of HER, not the other way around.  So, I keep pushing myself to step back into my role, a role she has always taken from me for my entire life, and it's been pushing my anxiety through the goddamned roof.  But I have to step into my role because she's recently been acting like she's in charge of me again.  And that's NOT going to fly.  So, tomorrow, her BFF Christmas is coming over and Mr. Brooks and I have decided my mother has lost the right to have "alone time" with her friends.  If she's going to abuse her privacy with her friends by not only talking shit about me, but also scheming and plotting stupid things behind my back?  Then she doesn't get to have that privacy.  So, I bought cheese danishes, cinnamon rolls, and apple cider I am going to spice to have when her BFF comes over at one o'clock tomorrow afternoon.  They'll have coffee, but I can't drink it, so the apple cider is for me (and the rest of my family, if they want some).  I am so done with letting her run wild and do whatever she likes, only to stab me in the back after all the things I do for her (unlike a parent saying that about their child, I actually do everything for her daily).  If she's going to act like a child, she's going to be treated like one.  She can have her friend over, but it will be a full-family occasion and we're all going to hang out together, just like when we used to live back at our old apartment three years ago when Christmas lived but a mere alley away from us.  But this time?  I get the say-so when people come over or not, what time, etc.  Not my mother.  And I get to say if she gets to be alone with anyone or not.  

I always stay away when Christmas visits to be nice to my mother.  I also stay away because her and my mother are doorknobs who say doorknob things and I don't want to be subjected to listening to two hours of doorknob talk.  That's no fun for me, having to listen to two elderly crazy people talk.  But I had no idea she was reverting back to talking shit about me in my own home, usually right where I can hear it, if I were listening.  So, we're done.  No more.  Now it will be an every-other-week thing, and it will be pre-planned (with me, not with my mother) and it will only be on certain days. Right now she comes over less than that, but recently she's been amping up the amount of her visits (her BFF, I mean).  But I cannot have her call five minutes before she leaves anymore.  It was hard enough to get her to call at all.  Now that she does that, she will call and ask to come over in five minutes.  So, I am going to talk to her about making plans with me at least 1-2 days in advance, and no more than every other week.  I have to put my dog away in his crate the entire time she visits, so that's not pleasant for anyone in the house (he's a LOUD whiner).  Also, to keep my mother from following her friend out to her car when Christmas leaves, I am going to move Christmas's car for her every time she comes over (something I do sometimes already), and then when she leaves, I will move it back (she can't back up properly unless she's in the middle of my driveway).  That will nip that shit in the bud.  "Oh, I can't be alone with her, but I can go out to her car and talk shit all I want!"  No more.

My mother thinks she's getting away with all of this bad behavior.  But she's going to be unpleasantly surprised with the rule change.  But I am the WOTH.  And I am done taking her shit.  And I need to stop hiding in my own house from her, because I do everything (between me and her--my family does things too, so know when I say "I", I mean "us"--me, my hubby and kids) around here.  This is OUR house, not just hers.  So, I am allowed to take up space, too.  And I am allowed to take space in my own life and demand respect from her.  I believe I have more than earned it and earn it every single day.  But I can't make her respect me.  But I sure as hell can not allow her to disrespect me in my own home.  And that's how it's going to be.  She may not like it, but I am done.  The amount of anxiety this has been giving me and for NO reason??  Yeah, I am done with that, too.  

I am the WOTH.  I better start acting like it.  

Damn, why do I keep falling back into this crap?  Why do I forget my power?  Ugh.  I need to wear a WOTH shirt to remind me LOL  

PS: She is not the only reason I have been super anxious as I've been having health issues.  But she is sure adding to it!