My stomach hurts.  Because, once again, mother is talking shit about me behind my back to her BFF Christmas.  But what bothers me even more, that not only does Christmas believe her, but she joins in and laughs at me.  I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I am so tired of feeling like the only people who are outside of my immediate family hate me and want to pick on me behind my back.  Why do I care so much what two fucking idiots thinks of me?  Two narcissistic fucking idiots, that is.  Seriously, you could combine their IQ together and still not have enough to power a small clock.  Unlike a real potato, which can do that all its own.  

So, I beg an answer to this question: why do I fucking care so much? 

They laughed at me today.  Literally laughed at me doing something nice for both of them.  It was like they were saying "We could do this nice thing back in the day, but you can't, because you do not belong, you interloper."  And now that I am the only person in power to do this nice thing, and now it's stupid or silly.  

I can't win no matter what I do.  They are mean girls who are pushing me out.  Just like my mother always does.  It's like, if she has nobody else, I am good enough for her.  But the MINUTE she as a friend who's not me, she shoves me off as though I am an annoying tag-a-long.  

I really fucking hate her so much.  I hate that she can make me feel unwanted, even today, all these years later.  When I feel like this, I can't even imagine a life where I will feel happy again.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to get away from her.  Life keeps getting in the way and keeping us tied together and I am so ready to be done with that.  I am ready for her to go live in assisted living or a nursing home and for me to be free of her, never having anything to do with her again.  But I fear that will never happen.  That I will be stuck in this torment forever.  

How can I find a way to not be tormented by her?  I've done so much work and yet, here I am, still the same person, still allowing her to make me feel the same shame and humiliation about myself as she always has.  She's talked shit about me for my entire life.  For over forty years.  I was under the blind assumption that it was only when she was angry with me.  But as it turns out, even if she doesn't show it, she's always angry with me.  So, how do I stop caring?  I've already cut the cord on loving her.  I don't.  I care about her well-being and whatnot, but I do not love her.  So, what will it take for me to stop thinking of her as my mother who should love me?  Why can't I find my own sense of self-worth and confidence so I stop caring what she thinks of me?  Or what her BFF thinks of me?  Why do I care what two people who are dumber than a box of rocks think of me?  I just don't freaking get it.  It makes zero sense.  

I am so overwhelmed living here.  Like, to the point of it affecting my mental health.  I can't deal with her issues as well as my kids' and husband's issues and my own, too.  It's all too much.  I can't be the sole person dealing with it all.  It's not fair.  When I ask for help, I do not get it.  Not for long periods, anyways.  Things will change for two seconds and then go right back to normal.  I just don't want to have to be the person always reminding everyone else to do shit.  It's not fair.  

I mean, I get it.  We all have ADHD in this house.  It's not like they are bad people, they are actually amazing people.  But it's just too much for me.  Too much expected of me.  

I just want to put her in a home and be done with it.  But we're in a predicament where we can't just do that.  Sigh.  

I think the experts are right.  I think you can only heal from narcissistic abuse when you are no longer living with your abuser.  I thought I could heal with her living here.  But I don't think I can.  

I need to systematically go through all our things and just start chucking shit.  I know I've said this before but I need to actually do it this time.  Just, be picky about what we keep and get rid of the rest.  What does this have to do with my mother?  Well, the more I get rid of, the safer I will feel about having to leave here one day.  And the safer I feel about her getting into our shit.  The less we have, the less she can get into.  

And if she were to be put in a home or something, we'd have to leave because the state would take the house.  So, I'd feel better if we were "move ready", even if we don't move for a long period of time.  

I am closer to 50 than 40 now.  I want to be done with feeling this way.  I am even terrified of making friends because what if to my face they are sweet and kind and laugh at me behind my back?  I feel so full of shame for who I am, I have no idea if I can ever heal from that.  

So, I am wallowing in shame right now, but then it hits me.  "Remember your training, middle-aged Jedi.  Remember the force."  Just kidding.  I am referring to Buddhism.  To remember what I learned in how to deal with things like this.  To find the compassion, even for people who don't deserve it.  To find the way she is hurting and realize that's where her anger towards me comes from.  It had nothing to do with me at all.  Same goes for her BFF, if she wants to laugh at me, then it's her own issues that are causing it.  I think her BFF is mad at me for suggesting she stops driving because she gets dizzy and she could get into an accident.  Then she lied and told my mother I said she shouldn't come over at all, even though I said her husband should drive her.  But the funny part is that I told my mother exactly what I said to her, so my mother, in some way, knew she was lying.  

But again, none of this is my fault.  They are two miserable gossiping old sea hags and they are just taking out their miserableness on me.  

And I still don't know if my mother has dementia.  I think she plays up her forgetfulness in front of me because when she talks to her BFF she sounds perfectly normal.  So yeah, I don't know.  

Sigh.  Her BFF wants me to change her password for her email for her, and now I am not going to do it.  I mean, if you're going to laugh at me behind your back, why would I do anything for you?   So, I don't need to do nice things for her.  I won't be mean, but I won't go out of my way, either.  

But one thing I am going to do is?  Start getting rid of all the cats we have.  I hate that idea, when I look at them I love them so much, but we CANNOT afford to pay their vet bills.  And my mother insists that I take them all to the vet, all the time...which is total BS as my pets NEVER went to vets growing up.  She let our cat live for at least 10 years with ear mites and his ears were seeping black liquid and she still never took him to the vet.  Talk about neglect.  For us, we live in a house with like 7 cats and vet prices are THROUGH THE ROOF.  So, they need to find new homes where they can be taken care of.  

The thing is, they are all so old which also makes me feel horrible giving them up.  It sucks.  I just don't know what to do.  Sigh.  

Well, tomorrow is a new day and maybe I'll have a clearer head tomorrow.  Ugh.