Who am I?  This question has plagued me my entire life.  And just when I think I have it figured out, I get a wake-up message that I was so very wrong.  There is no one Shay, anymore than there is just one star in the sky.  I am not like the sun and the moon and the earth.  I am not constant and unchanging.  And that's not really what I mean for this blog post.  I am not talking about being unadaptable to change.  I am talking about the fact you couldn't call me the "the sun" or "the moon" or "the earth" in namesake.  As one day I may think I am a star shining brightly in the sky, illuminating the days for those around me and providing warmth for others.  Or that I could be "the earth" and provide a shelter and a safe haven and food and a home for those I love.  Or that I could be "the moon", being a beacon of hope, shining in the long and starless night.  But then my mother opens her mouth and reminds me that I am not "the sun", "the earth", or "the moon" for myself or anyone else.  She reminds me that I am nothing.  I am fodder for her anger and sadness and frustration.  I am hers.  I am hers to do what she likes with.  Even though I don't want to be hers.  I want to be mine.  But I am not allowed nice things.  I am not allowed anything in life.  If I have something that's just mine, she tries to take it away from me.  I only allowed what she gives me.  And as long as I am living with her and/or she's in my life, I will be hers forever. 

And that's what it means to be a caregiver for your narcissistic parent in your home.  

Except it's not my home, is it?  I have no way to remove her or to leave, as this is her legal home (it's in her name, yet I did all the work to get it and do all the work to keep it).  And it's not my home as I can't do whatever I like in it at any given time, not without her being in my way or trying to control the situation.  Or without her commenting on everything we do or her trying to intervene or use it against us to hurt us.

Yesterday I....what's the past tense of swinging?  Oh it's swung.  I thought so, but I had to look it up, as I've never said that word before.  Weird.  Anyways, yesterday I swung.  If you didn't know, I try to swing every single day as a way to a) calm my nervous system and allow it to be okay with swinging (as a child, I could never swing very high, as it would make me sick) and b) to allow my inner children to have some fun every single day.  But then one day, a few weeks ago, I was out there and mother saw me and kept staring at me.  So much so, I got so self-conscious that I stopped.  For like, weeks.  Not to mention it also rained for weeks so I couldn't anyways, but I had no interest in doing so even if it had been nice out.  And yesterday, even though it felt wonderful to swing again (she was inside), I was so paranoid the entire time that she was going to come out and say something about it or stare at me some more.  So all it did was trigger my inner child to be on guard.  To be on the lookout in case she came out.  To be hypervigilant.  And jumpy.  I just couldn't fully relax.

One part of my hypervigilance is listening to her conversations.  I've done that my entire life because I couldn't bear the idea of my mother hating me so much, yet I had to know if she did (today it's to see if she's planning or scheming something).  My son once accused me of liking it.  I don't like it.  I fucking hate it.  I do it because I feel I have to.  To protect myself.  To protect my family from her.  But this past blog post and today's conversation she had with her BFF Christmas, I just can't do it anymore.  I can't listen to them talk shit about me and make fun of me.  I am sick of letting them make me feel like I am worthless.  I am so sick of feeling this way.  I am so tired of caring.  Why do I care so much?  I need to take that inner little girl that's being triggered (though, I suspect it's way more than just one) and protect her instead of exposing her to more pain.  That's what I am feeling right now.  It's not 46-year-old me that's hurting.  It's 5 year-old-me.  10 year-old-me.  17 year-old-me.  And all the ages in between.  All of those inner children are crying and hurting because I subjected them to hearing her bullshit being said about me and I have to carry around their pain today.  That's a lot for one person to carry.  It's too much  That's why I feel so bad right now.  And that's why I can't listen to her conversations anymore.  Because the 46-year-old me doesn't give two shits about what an old hag thinks of me.  I know better.  But all those inner kids?  They aren't there yet.  They haven't been given the chance to heal yet.   

I should apologize to them (to my inner children, not my mother and her idiot friend).  I should hug them and say I am sorry that I allowed them to be hurt again.  And I need to help them learn that she's only acting out because she's angry or sad or depressed.  It has nothing to do with me at all.  I am just her scapegoat.  

If I didn't live with her, I wouldn't worry so much.  But at the same time, no matter what I do, I will be under constant stress as long as she is in my life.  I am looking to move her into senior housing and letting us stay here in the house.  She will be making enough money to afford it soon.  And we finally have income again.  It won't be easy, but we could find a way to make it work.  We have in the past.  So much of my life has been deciding between money and my mother.  So, in order for us to have enough money to live on, that means having my mother directly in my life.  If I want her out of my life, then we are so far below poverty it's not even funny.  It was always a choice between feeding my family and making sure my kids were taken care of or keeping our mental sanity.  And she always knew that and used it to her advantage.  So my question is now: do I put her in AL and struggle again or keep her here and learn to deal with it and be able to save money and afford a better life later on?  I just wish I knew how to learn to deal with it.  Though, I am trying.

Here's the thing.  Back when she had control of my life, which was still around a year ago, she did everything she could to hurt me and control me.  It was constant and she never let up.  Then I finally got control back by building boundaries and taking over her life (one, she can't do certain things anymore, mentally, so I had to and two, she's an "all or nothing" type of person, if you give her any bit of control back she will take it and then try to take it all--I DO NOT want control of her life, like at all, but I have to otherwise she'll make us all homeless and she'll mess up mine and my family's lives) and she's fucking pissed about it.  Even when she slaps a saccharine sweet smile on her face and pretends to play nice, she's still seething inside.  What did I expect?  Did I think she'd roll over and take this lying down?  She's not that person.  She's a lying, scheming, hateful person who talks shit about everyone and everything, all the time (including her BFF Christmas and all my family members).  Do, did I think for one second that by taking away all her control she'd love me more?  Ha!  What a stupid thought!!  Of course she hates me.  Of course I am her scapegoat.  Of course I wasn't going to win her over by being in charge of her.  

I always joke (well, not exactly joking, it's the truth) that she acts like a spoiled bratty preteen girl acting out against her mother who sets rules for her.  And I realize, that's exactly what's going on.  I am her scapegoat because she's an unruly child who needs boundaries.  It's funny, she's tried so hard all my life to treat me as though I am a child.  Yet, here is that "child" being in charge of every aspect of her life.  No wonder she's so pissed.  She wanted nothing to do but control me for my entire life and now I am the one controlling her life.  That really has to be a huge hit to the ego.  And to the evil part of her that hates she can't control me anymore.  Like I said, no wonder she's pissed.  Not that she has a right to be.  Or rather, not that she has a right to act the way she does about it.  Be pissed all you want, but talk to me about it.  Not that things would change, because things are they way they are due to her poor decision making skills.  But then again, if she were the type to talk to me, she'd not have the boundaries placed on her to begin with.  She'd be reasonable and not make crazy-ass decisions all the time.  I had to take away her ability to do those crazy-ass things and now she's angry for life.  Oh well.  I guess I will have to be okay with her being angry with me.  I have to learn to be okay with her talking shit about me.  Because what she does behind my back or feel about me or my family, doesn't fucking matter.  She's an idiot, just like her BFF. 

Let them be idiots. 

So yes, assisted living would be the best place for her.  She'd be out from under my thumb.  It would be great.  But again, that would be financial ruin and we'd be back in the place we were before.  We'd have to move out and go live in an apartment.  And that's an insane thought.  

Oh and I am also feeling...I don't know what the word is for it.  It feels like I've walked into the twilight zone and nothing is real anymore.  Because when I try to sell anything online?  Which is what I do for a living.  NOT A SINGLE PERSON EVEN SEES MY POSTS OR CLICKS ON THEM ANYMORE!!  WTF is going on?  I am trying to open a store and I am terrified nobody will buy from me.  I used to get TONS of messages to buy stuff the same day I'd post it.  But now?  Nothing but crickets.  I feel...defeated.  And to even make this crap, it takes it's toll on me because I have my mother to deal with, and I have to manage the lives of my kids and hubby and myself.  One of my sons is pretty self-sufficient, but the other depends on me for everything (he has ASD--though they both do, my older son's ASD and ADHD are more severe and they really interfere with his life).  So, I am being pulled this way and that every single day of my life (not to mention, I also have ASD and ADHD).  And then I try to make money on top of it all and nothing happens.  It's like, why do I even try?  I don't get it.  Well, I will try in my store and if nothing happens, then I don't know what I will do for money.  Sigh.  

If I could only make enough money, I could put my mother in assisted living and we could be free.  And she'd also be more happy, too.

Sigh.  

Just keep swimming, right?  I just wish I was as clueless as Dory so I could just be happy even when I live with a shark.  Though my mother would never go for the whole "fish are friends, not food" idea.  I am the only food she lives on anymore.  But I am tired of being her food.  

Oh, and another thing?  She knows I am listening to her conversations and says inflammatory things on purpose to hurt me.  She said it today.  So, here I am falling right into her trap.  Silly me.  When will I learn?  Sigh.  I need to just let go.  And if she surprises me with something stupid, then I'll deal with it.  I just can't live like this anymore.  I can't deal with this shit.  So, I just need to let it all go.  And let her be the child she is.  

I became the WOTH, didn't I?  I can do this, too.