Her: WHAT DID YOU ORDER?!  (she screams while waving her hands around, holding a box)

Me: I have no idea what you're talking about.  (I assumed she meant on Amazon?  But how did she know I ordered something on Amazon and what on earth would she be angry about?)

Her: WHAT DID YOU ORDER??!

Me: I am still confused here.  What are you talking about?

Her: I THOUGHT YOU ORDERED TEST STRIPS!  THEY SENT ME NEEDLES!

Me: What?  They sent you diabetic needles?  You don't even take insulin.  You take pills.  (I grab the box she ripped open from the bottom, with lancets falling out).  Ma, these are finger prickers.  They aren't needles.  They always send you these with your test strips.  

Her: NO THEY DON'T!

Me: Yes.  They do.  Here (I hand her the box of test strips from her pile of medicine in my room).  I just gave you the wrong box.  Sorry.

Her: Oh.  I'll just take these back and throw my old ones away.  

Me: Why?  They don't expire.  There is nothing wrong with them.  Just keep your old ones and I will give you this box when you run out.  

Her: (goes back into her room mumbling to herself)

There are days I wonder if she has dementia, then there are days like this.  I still can't say for sure it's 100% dementia (as she's on a lot of meds that mess with your memory--things her old neurologist wanted her to get off of, but she can't), but I can surely say that she has confusion attacks.  Though she will go through certain periods of time with more confusion attacks on a regular basis, and other periods of time where she seems fine.  That's the way of certain dementias, especially vascular.  But like I said before: vascular is over diagnosed and many people who have been diagnosed are found to have not had it after their deaths (from post mortem investigation).  

But whatever is causing the confusion and freaking out and forgetting, it doesn't matter.  My mother has memory issues, but more than that, she has understanding issues.  She doesn't understand most things anymore.  Which is one reason she can't see her doctors alone.  She doesn't understand when I tell her things or when she reads something online.  She gets so confused about things and sometimes, like this time, she gets angry about them.  I never yell back at her when she's mad about something (though her anger to my face has been few and far between lately, thank goodness) because I never know why she's mad.  Is it confusion?  Or is she just being a bitch?  She's not a bitch anymore, thank goodness. so I assume it's always confusion that's causing it.  Before, it was always her just being cruel or mean or rude or judgmental (aka, being a bitch).  But she's so much better now.  Not because she's "changed" due to some sort of self-introspection, but more due to the fact I've taken away everything she can bitch about so there's nothing left.  Also, she's nicer because she's scared of what I will do: like put her in a nursing home or have her committed if she's violent (which is what I told her I'd do if she was ever violent with me, or anyone else, again-and she knows I don't threaten anything, I tell the truth of what I will actually do).  

While I don't like being yelled at or accused of doing something wrong (which is exactly what she was doing here--accusing me ordering the wrong thing--rather than just inform me that I gave her the wrong thing), I am finding that I don't give two shits anymore.  Ever since I gave up needing to be on top of every single correspondence of hers that she has with people outside our house, for fear of them talking shit about me or planning something behind my back, I have chilled out on most things with her.  I just don't fucking care anymore.  Did I not please her with what I did for her?  I don't care.  Did I make her mad because (insert bullshit here)?  I don't care.  Did I do something wrong in her eyes?  I just don't fucking care.  I am not sure if I am turning a permanent corner or a partial (and temporary) one, but a corner has been turned.  

And I am glad.  My mother is batshit crazy, but I am her caretaker.  So, while I stopped caring about whether or not she approves of me as a human and a daughter, I am now getting her requests done faster and on time, rather than before when I'd let being overwhelmed take over and I'd take forever to get her anything or do something for her.  Now, most things are done same day.  I have stopped caring and in turn, my caretaking has gotten better.  And I think that's because I see this more as a job now than an obligation.  She's not anywhere as mean or as bad to me anymore, so I can learn to let it go and stop caring about it and just get the job done.  

Again, this could be a temporary or permanent way of feeling, I don't know.  But it's something.  And I am glad for the change.