Well, the whole "forgiving my mother" thing I haven't really been active with...minus the fact that I do see her dementia causing her to do things she normally doesn't do (like forgetting how to make oatmeal) and it makes me sad.  But beyond that, she's been annoying the hell out of me by asking other people to take her to her appointments other than my husband.  No reason.  She just don't want to "put him out".  It's freaking irritating.  Thank goodness my son's sleeping schedule got messed up other she'd be bothering him at 7:30 am to take her to her lab appointment tomorrow.  

My son will NEVER take my mother anywhere, unless I come with.  She's a horrible person to him and has been for his entire life and he's made the decision to never go anywhere with her.  Not even with us as a family.  Oh boy, I tried to take her to a garden place with us and he had a total meltdown about it.  I couldn't have been more proud :)  

For real.  He's a very forgiving person and has always thought I was harsh in the way I treat people (I have boundaries--he used to not have them for himself).  But now he has built boundaries with her and now never wants anything to do with her hasn't for over a year.  I think last May for Mother's Day and her birthday was his last straw.  We do everything for her.  EVERYTHING.  And she had the nerve to shit-talk my husband to her BFF Christmas and because of that (I heard her when she did it), my mother didn't get any gifts that month for anything.  No Mother's Day or birthday gifts, no cards.  Nothing.  I was so freaking angry.  And my son saw just how toxic she was, that nobody was safe from her wrath and he's been done with her ever since.  

And I don't blame him.  

She thinks he will take her to get her haircut, to her appointments, etc.  Like her little personal chauffeur.  And she needs to stop, as he'll never once take her anywhere, ever again.  I am proud of him for sticking to his guns.  Also, she gives him extreme anxiety.  And he's been super anxious lately.  So, I am not going to make anything worse for him by asking him to take her places (plus, I wouldn't ask him anyways).  She just thinks we're all at her beck and call.  And we're not.  My husband takes her to her appointments, and I come with if she needs a haircut or has to go somewhere special (like a funeral, which is why she's getting her haircut, her old friend died and his funeral is soon).  And that's it.  My other son doesn't drive and even if he did, he wouldn't take her either.  

I am sorry, but how often did she take my kids places?  How many times did she have them over for dinner (when we all know she had enough food) or did a single thing for my kids???  I will bring that up to her one day.  Especially if she asks why they won't take her.  "I don't want my kids to take you anywhere."  She'll ask why and I'll say "Well, how often did you do anything for them?  How often did you promise to do things for them but never followed through?  How often did you take them places or hung out with them?  How many times did you ask them to come over to play a board game or watch a movie?  Even when they lived in your house with me?  How often did you just hang out with my kids?  Or take them to THEIR appointments?  Or even come with to their appointments?  Not once.  Never.  You took me to my appointments when I couldn't drive, not happily, buy you did sometimes.  And so I took you to all your appointments for years.  I even made them for you.  But you messed that up so now my husband takes you.  That's the only person who will ever take you to your appointments.  So stop asking!"  If she asks how she messed it up, I will say "You were rude to me and about me to the people we were seeing.  You treated me badly, so I stopped taking you."  

And that's that.  

In order to forgive my mother, I need to work on my anger towards her for the things she's done to me.  And I honestly have no idea if I can do that.  It took me TWELVE years after my father's death to forgive him and move on.  I think it may take that long with my own mother, too.  I don't think I can forgive her while living with her, and maybe not even while she's still here on earth.  My mother was horrible to me for longer than my father was.  And even though the things my father did were HUGE things (like a knife gashing me every so often), my mother's things she did were like little needles poking at me every single day of my life, over and over again.  Eventually those needle holes became huge gaping wounds that never stopped hurting and never stopped getting bigger.  

I want to forgive her for my own sake.  But how?  How can I when she's still poking me with needles every now and then?  

Like I said before in my post about my kids going to Germany this coming summer, my kids got tickets to see Rammstein in their homeland (my kids are only a little German, but I meant the band's homeland).  And recently my mother had looked at me and said "Well, what are we going to do while their gone??  Your husband will be at work and we'll be all alone!!  We should plan to do some fun stuff!"  

Someone.  Please.  Help.  Me.  

I didn't want to tell her the truth.  I mean, I wish I could, but it would be rude and wrong and mean.  But at least it would be the truth.  I am not mean, rude, or cruel.  I am not her.  But here are the things I wish I could say to that request of hers:

• I can't hang out with you alone because you are not my safe person.  You CAUSE me anxiety, rather than calm it.  So I can't be alone with with you.  Like ever.  
• You are cruel.  You have been nothing but cruel to me and my oldest son since our births.  What makes you think that I want to hang out with my abuser?
• You only want to "hang out with me" so you can dictate what we do and control me, just like you used to back in the day.  I think you want to relive the "old days" with me, back when YOU were in charge of my life.
• What makes you think I'd ever want to spend a day alone with you, much less a week?  You have never apologized for one thing you've ever done wrong to me and you never once corrected the fact that you told everyone I was lying about the abuse I endured growing up in our household.  You've also never once apologized for telling all your friends that I was lying about being raped, when they shouldn't have even known about it in the first place.  You told them all I was a whore.  And now you deny ever saying it, because all but one person who heard it is dead,.  Tell me again why you think I'd even remotely like you after doing such shitty things?
• I don't like you.  I care about your well-being as a person, but I do not like you at all, much less love you.  Why would I want to have "girl-time" with an old, rude, cruel, and mean narcissist that I don't like?  
• Why would I choose to hang out with you over my husband?  Don't be an idiot.
• You always tell my youngest son that he needs to go to culinary school and be a chef when you see him cooking.  YET whenever you see my oldest cooking you tell him he's doing it wrong, just like you used to do with me.  Why would I want to hang out with a person who treats my children so shittily?  Also, you've never once said I should go to any school, ever, even when I showed promise as a musician or an artist.  So why do you say that him?  Oh, if I ever have the "pleasure" of hanging out with you alone one day?  I will bring that up and tell you how stupid you sound saying it.  Even my youngest son thinks it sounds fake as fuck.  
• I just can't wrap my head around why on earth you'd think, after all you've done to me, my kids, my husband, and everyone else in your life, that I'd want to spend a second with you??  You see me leave the room when you come into the room, and you know I don't like you.  So stop pretending we're buddies.  We never were.  You were my abuser who controlled everything we did together (even when I was a kid).  I didn't know any better back then.  And I will tell you that if ever bring the fact that we used to hang out all the time together.  
• No thank you.  
• *laughs incessantly*  Oh wait, you're serious?  Oh.  Sorry.  But no.  *leaves room*
• You made your bed with me.  You chose this.  The way I feel towards you now is your own fault.  Not mine.  I didn't do any of this.  I didn't do anything to you.  All I ever did was fail you, over and over, since I was old enough to think for myself.  Nothing I've ever done has been good enough for you.  But now I look back and realize I was trying to please a potato!  A potato cannot be pleased.  It's a freaking potato for goodness sake!  Why did I ever think that a potato could parent me, love me, or treat me well?  It's a potato!  Potatoes aren't capable of any of those things.  All they can do is be a potato.  Well, I am done hanging out with potatoes.  I am done trying to make starchy tuber happy.  And I feel so stupid that I ever cared what a potato thought of me.  Doesn't that sound crazy??  It sounds like a crazy person, doesn't it?  To try to make a potato happy or to make one proud of you?  That's crazy-making.  I am so done with that.  I am now only here to provide you with care: to keep you physically safe, feed you, clean up after you, wash your clothes, and provide a home for you to live in.  That's my job.  That's it.  By being a potato, you've proved that I am worth nothing to you unless you need me.  And that's not a mother-daughter relationship, now is it?  That's a caretaker/patient relationship.  So that's what we are.  And when you don't need the care I provide for you, I am free to do what I like.  I am under obligation to provide you with entertainment.  I am sorry if you don't see it this way, but this the exact way you made it.  I didn't create this dynamic between us, you did.  And because of that, we're not buddies.  We're not friends.  I am your caretaker.  If you need a friend, call your BFF Christmas.