Well, well, well.  What do we have here? Oh, it's you, Linda.  And now I have had to call the police.  

Well, not on Linda.  But on our shitty violent dog-shit of a neighbor that I'd like to scrape off my shoe, thank you very much.  But this whole thing is Linda's fault.  

I was sick yesterday.  I think I am in perimenopause and I've been having these horrible, horrible surges of what I think is cortisol or adrenaline and they make me have internal tremors, but also I was having horrible sleep attacks and just wanted to barf all day.  I feel really, really bad.  So, I laid down to sleep and watch some TV to drift off to, and I quickly fell asleep.  My son woke me up when the show was over and I realized it was 7pm.  Also, we had a tornado watch going on and it was windy AF outside.  So I ran out to get my new plants and secure them and my mom found me when I came back in and asked "When is food?"  She knew her food was already in the microwave, so there was no need to come find me, she just wanted to bitch that I was late with feeding her.  

So I fed her, and laid back and I hear "DING!"  I looked at my phone and sure enough, it's Linda, the lady with the dog.  Linda has not spoken to me in almost a year because she asked me one too many times to watch her dog and I said no and supposedly I left her without a dog sitter.  Yes, that's a reason to not speak to me anymore, right?  Good grief.  

She writes "Did you know your garbage is blowing into our yard???  NOT NICE!!!!"  

I have not heard from this woman for an entire year and that's how she messages me out of the blue.  I wrote back "Calm down, I will come out and get the boxes.  You don't have to be rude."  She then called me rude and told me she's been picking up my garbage out of her yard for weeks.  Bullshit.  I cleaned out my garage two days prior and left some things out until after garbage day, as my bin was full.  They were boxes...that's all.  ONE blew into her yard and she had a meltdown.  I have not had garbage out there beyond that.  

Well, she started saying some more bullshit to me and getting ruder and ruder and ruder to me, so my son went out to make sure there wasn't more garbage and she came outside and started calling him names.  He was confused, because how did she know my son knew about us texting?  So then my son apologized about the boxes, and she cut him off several times, being an idiot to him, and he lost his shit on her.  

It takes a LOT for my son to lose his shit on someone like that. 

And then my little troll of a neighbor across the street, let's call him Jon (oh wait, that's his name), he comes trucking over, hearing the yelling, and says "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" to my son.  My son is 26, so he's not a kid, so I didn't go into full mama bear mode.  But he got involved, and started threatening us, and was even going to come into our yard to fight my son.  I stepped in front of him and I said "You step one foot in our yard and I am calling the cops."  So he replies "Okay, but if any of you leave the yard, I will be watching and I am going to rock your world!"  

So, I called 911.  

Of course the cops acted like this was our fault, because the two narcissistic asshole neighbors said it was, but I set the cops straight (I said "I don't care about the argument, I care he said we're not allowed to leave our yard without him hurting us, that's what I care about.").  He said "Oh" like he didn't know that's what had happened and told me to call the back if he comes near us.  

Yay for police not knowing that a criminal threat is a crime!  

Sigh.  

I could list ALL the bullshit that was said between us, the things Linda said.  Like one thing, apparently, her dog died....and I said "And?  We lost THREE dogs last  year and you said nothing to us."  And she replied "Well you still have five left!"  We have two.  She's a fucking looney idiot.  So many horrible things were said (mostly from the little troll's mouth), but none of that matters.  

BUT....the good and great things that came from all of this??  I got to tell that bitch exactly how horrible she is and how she uses people to watch her dog and acts like he's everyone else's obligation but hers.  I got to tell her that she never liked me, she just used me to do shit for her and that she's a horrible gossip.  AND I gave her her stupid housekey back.  She said a whole SLEW of narcissistic things back to me, but I don't care.  She's a thorn in my side no longer!!  Yay!!!  

And I am done with dealing with people like her.  I refuse to be treated like an object any longer by people who don't matter (or by anyone).  I will be honest and say no to obligations I can't do.  No longer will I say yes when I mean no.  

So, yay!!  No more Linda bothering me!  Or at least I hope she won't.  She better never speak to me again.  And that little half-eaten smashed up granola bar across the street better never speak to me either.  Although, he's such a violent little fuck, I may just make a website to upload videos of him being an abusive little prick to his family (or just to YouTube).  

God, I can't wait to live surrounded by trees and not people.  People are such assholes.  

It isn't easy to just make a decision to feel a certain way and just do it.  It's like if you're a messy person, you can't just clean your house or a room and say "Well that's it, it's going to stay clean now!"  That's not how it works.  It takes maintenance.  Just like it takes maintenance to stay "no contact", or to keep to your carefully constructed boundaries, or to change the way you feel about something.  

I said I wanted to change the way I see my birthdays from what I don't have to what I do have.  So I can be more grateful.  And I stick by that.  BUT it's not as easy as just saying it and it staying true.  I have to remind myself why I am doing this and why it's important to do this.  And I have to remind myself of the lessons I've learned in life from both Buddhism and Toltec teachings.  

So, my birthmother texts me today and says "Oh, I just sent out your card today!  The week just got away from me!"  Which is B-Code for "Oh shit, I just remembered your birthday today and sent you out a card!"  I am not stupid.  I know she forgot because she forgets every single year.  On my 40th, she completely forgot and never even acknowledged it.  That year really fucking sucked.  

But that's the thing.  It didn't have to suck.  Sure, I had just went no contact with my mother, which I was planning on keeping to forever.  So, I was a bit more emotional at that time.  But I could have been grateful for what I did have.  I never want to feel like that again.  It was gut-wrenching and horrible and I was so very, very angry.  I never want to feel so abandoned ever again (my grandmother, her mother, also forget my birthday that year).  I want to feel full.  I want to feel whole.  I want to feel like whatever I get in life is just the icing on the cake.  Because I want to feel like my life is always the cake, no matter what happens.  I never want to feel again like it's just a pile of crumbs and it was all eaten by everyone else without me getting a slice.  I want to feel so whole that even if everyone forgot my birthday, I could still have a wonderful day.  And that everyone could eat the cake every single day and there would always be enough for us all have more.  I want abundance.  But not an abundance of things.  But an abundance of soul (meaning my energy as a person that makes up who I am--as well as a gratefulness for what I have).  

I imagine that the souls of those of us with high ACE scores/trauma/CPTSD look like this (yes I know this is a little disturbing, but sometimes we feel a little disturbed when we feel broken):  

Beaten up.  Bent and twisted.  Gaping holes.  Weeping wounds.  Dry like sandpaper.  And for some of us, almost non-existent.  Or at least that's how it feels to us when we like we have more holes than soul.

And our goal is to get here: 

Souls full of wonder.  Full of love.  Full of the juicy rainbows of life.  

My soul has some weeping wounds, and one of them is my birthday.  During this time of year, that wound gets bigger and bigger until the day of, and then slowly goes back to normal the day after (unless my birthday has been deemed "horrible", like it has in the past, then the wounds can almost take me completely over and it will take months to recover).  I don't want to have a wounded soul anymore.  I don't want to be punished for something that is not my fault.  I didn't do these things to myself, so why am I holding onto those terrible acts and allowing them to shade my life?  I want to be happy.  I want to be whole again.  I want to be whole all the time, not just on certain days when I feel good.  I want to be full of life and gratefulness and understanding.  I do understand people.  But sometimes I forget.  Sometimes I put my shaded viewpoint before them and become hurt by their actions (or inactions).  My birthday is mine, not theirs.  So, I can't expect them to treat my birthday as though it's theirs to always be on their mind.  It's my day to be kind to myself.  And that means to not take personally the actions of others when it comes to this day.  I love my family.  And they do their best.  And I do my best.  And yes, I can do better, but I can't control other people to do better, because that's their action to take.  I can't control anyone but me.  And I can only really control how I react to the actions of others.  So why choose to be hurt?  Yes, hurting is 100% a choice.  It may not feel that way, but it is (even if it's hard to choose otherwise).  We view life as a certain way and when it doesn't live up to that certain way, we become hurt.  We let our wounds speak for us.  We let our wounded souls take over and rather than see things through the eye of understanding, we see them through the lens of our wounded souls.  "I feel I do not deserve love, and this action proves it once again: I am not lovable."  But if we just step sideways into the world of understanding, we will understand that other people's actions have nothing to do with us at all.  He cheats because he hates himself.  She ignores you because she's depressed.  And your mother/birthmother forgets your birthday because she is unhappy with herself and her life choices.  Sometimes these actions are deliberate on their parts, but even if they are, they aren't personal (even if that person meant them to be personal...you don't have to take it personally).  Hurt people hurt people.  Nobody hurts you because you're a bad person.  They hurt you because they are hurting (or they are forgetful or selfish, etc.).  We hurt others under the guise of the idea that they deserve our wrath, but in reality, we are hurting, otherwise we'd be nicer.  

I am not saying it's okay they do these things.  I am just saying that if we can understand, we can relieve ourselves of the pain of taking things personally.  I HIGHLY recommend Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Voice of Knowledge".  It changed my life many years ago.  I don't always remember the book's teachings, but when I do, wow.  It's like night and day for my heart (and my soul).  

So, tomorrow, I will wake up, and I will smile and I tell myself "Happy Birthday" and I will take care of myself and get myself ready.  And then I will do something to make myself happy.  Yes, we have plans tomorrow, and I will wake people up to go.  But I will remind myself that I don't need anything else other than that (to be surrounded by people that love me).  I don't need people to remember or to call or send me a card or whatever.  I will just let those people be who they are and do their own thing because my day is about me, and they have their own lives to lead (that doesn't always include me).  

I need to leave this feeling of abandonment behind.  I know that's the source of this weeping wound.  Even my mother deliberately sabotaging my birthdays in the past felt like abandonment to me.  It's the not caring and the jealousy from her that feels like I am not allowed to have a day of happiness just for myself.  But that's her feelings, and they're not the truth.  Only I get to say what my birthday is about.  I don't mean my family can't surprise me, I mean only I get to say how I feel about this day.  And I want to be happy.  

Okay, I am going to go clean up the kitchen and the living room, because I don't want to clean tomorrow.  And I am going to go sit outside and enjoy this gorgeous day and read something.  All of our internet is out, so I can't do anything else.  Which sucks, but at least I can read a book!  

Oh, and I am doing laundry, too.  So that's something internet free! LOL  

I hope you're having a great May so far and please eat some cake for me, tomorrow!  

For most of our lives, as children of narcissistic mothers, we've all been taught that the gift giving is what matters.  It's how we honor our mothers and it's how we let them know they are worthy of being our moms.  It's what we do for them that counts.  Or rather, how much we give them of what they want.  Whether that means gifts, or leaving them alone, or whatever their wishes are for the day.  And if we don't do enough, we are guilted into believing that we don't care enough about them and we are bad daughters and sons. 

So, we grow up believing this is the right way to act.  So, when we become mothers, we believe we are also owed, maybe not as much as our mothers demanded of us (and the rest of the world), but owed enough of what we want, as well.  If our kids don't mow our lawns, or make us breakfast, or give us cards on special says, we sulk or get angry, feeling let down or that we aren't loved enough.  Even if we don't consciously choose to act like our mothers, somewhere those ideas do live in our psyches and if our kids don't call us when we think they should or do what they're supposed to do for us, we still feel somewhat let down.  

And I've finally realized this is all nothing but bullshit.  

Because if we really want to release the effects of what our narcissistic mothers have done to us how they molded us and shaped us, then we need to reject the idea of Mother's Day (or our birthdays) being about us being pampered or shown appreciation.  And what I suggest to do instead is to show internal appreciation to ourselves for our motherhood journeys and to our children for giving us the gift of motherhood.  We may have chose to bring them into the world, but we didn't choose them.  They came to us as people already.  And we need to show how grateful we are for those fully-formed humans who came into our lives and changed us from young women and turned us into moms.  

My Mother's Day was spent cleaning up my yard.  And I loved every second of it.  Yet, so many women bitch that they have to do that kind of stuff on their special holiday, as though "time off" should only come once a year.  But I love watching something go from looking totally insane to something pretty and nice (yes, my garden area of my yard was overgrown and crazy looking!).  So I was spending my day getting things done that I wanted and needed done and I was having fun while doing it.  And I am proud of myself for getting most of it done.  And I spent all that time mowing down 2-foot-tall grass in my garden being eternally grateful for my motherhood journey.  That I have two beautiful and wonderful grown sons and I have a great relationship with them both.  I thought about how proud I was of them and myself for getting as far as we have in life and being able to still be as close as we are.  And I am grateful to my husband who adopted those boys back in 2011 and has been a great father to them both.  My kids came out and helped me on and off, but really, it was like any other day.  And I didn't get any cards or gifts, but that was at my request, because for me, it doesn't make any sense when my birthday is only a week away.  

But even if it wasn't, I don't require my family to do anything for me (anymore).  I don't expect anything at all.  I just want to spend time with them and see their faces.  My kids need to know that they can show me their love and appreciation whenever they like, not just on special days.  Because love isn't saved up for single moment or acts.  Love is always.  Narcissists need these large grandiose single acts because they don't think love is always.  Love to them is intermittent, and only when someone is doing something you want them to.  

I used to be devastated if my husband and kids didn't go all out for my birthdays.  And they never did (in my old shitty opinion--they DID do a lot, but it was never enough back then), and so I was always devastated.  And I let them know it.  Because I learned from my mother that's how love worked.   It took me a long time to realize how wrong I was.  And it took until this year to realize that why nothing was ever good enough for me before was because there was a large gaping hole inside of me that could never be filled with enough acts of love/service or gifts.  That is, until I could learn that I was enough all on my own without my mother's approval.  And once I figured that out, I realized there wasn't a hole at all and I would be okay if nobody ever gave me a gift again (because gifts are not representative of my worth as a mother or wife).  

And so now, all these years later, I've fully committed to the "doing nothing" attitude for these holidays, and I just go with the flow.  I don't expect anything at all.  Not from my kids or hubby.  Or anyone else for that matter.  And now I can get that excited feeling of sparks my belly again knowing my special days will be special just because I exist, not because other people have to fill that gaping unfillable hole in my soul anymore.  It's all about gratefulness now, not a want or a need.  And definitely not an expectation.  

I have fully disconnected the cord between me and my mother, something I've tried to do for years.  And now I am free from her.  I can finally say that for once in my life.  I am free of her disappointment (well, when I am expecting it, she can still get me sometimes if I am not expecting it, but nowhere near as badly).  I am free of her judgment.  And I am free of her opinion of me.  So, Mother's Day for me, with her, is easy.  And now I'm making it even easier by learning to be grateful for what I have on MD, rather than bitching about what I don't have or didn't get.  There is no such thing as the perfect gift or action.  We can always find fault in every single little thing in life, if we went to.  And I used to be like that.  And it made my family miserable.  So, I stepped back and asked myself "Why?  Why do I expect these things?  Do I think they don't love me if I don't get those things?  Do I think they don't care?  I know better than that.  So why do I NEED these things?"  And then I realized: I actually don't need them at all.  I just need them.  I just need to know they are still existing beside me in life and I am happy with that.

So, what do I actually need on Mother's Day?  I need to feel the love in my heart for my kids.  I need to remember the joys of pregnancy and the silliness of the fears I had before I had children (about having children).  What if I can't...?  What if this happens?  Or that happens?  We did it all and we ended up okay anyways.  And now I have two grown men who are amazing and kind and are there for me when I need them to be (like when I was sick or when I am super anxious), as I am for them.  I am so fucking lucky in life to have my kids.  And that's what I need on Mother's Day.  To remember that.  I don't need flowers (though I did get myself a hanging basket of flowers--they are gorgeous!).  I don't need candy or spa days or even a card.  I just need to fill my heart with joy for my children and my motherhood journey.  And all the crazy bumps in the road we've endured and to be thankful we've gotten through them all.  

If I had asked for my kids to take me somewhere, they would have.  If I had asked for a card, they'd have bought me one or made me one.  If I had asked for special treats or a food I loved, they'd have made them for me.  I know this, as they do those things every single year for me.  But this year, I asked for nothing, because I already have enough and all I needed was them.  I didn't get to see them a lot, as they both were sort of sick and felt gross and were zoning out with their own things they had to do.  But they still hung out with me and helped me and we had a cookout and sat outside and I worked some more on the yard while talking to them.  It was wonderful.

My mother: "Oh, isn't this always the way??  You're the mom and you have to clean and cook and do yardwork!!!  You should be making them all do it!!"  

I laughed, and knew because of her words, I was doing exactly what I should have been doing, because I wanted to be doing those things.  I am sick so much of the time, so when I feel good, I LOVE doing the stuff I wish I could do every day.  My family's worth to me is not bound by their ability to give me things or do things for me.  I am not a narcissist.  So I grilled food, mowed my garden, did laundry, and cleaned the house some (and burned our paper garbage), because I wanted to spend my day doing things I like doing.  And my family still got the best of me that day.  My mother's reign in my life didn't just affect me.  It affected my family by the way I treated them when I was still under the spell of my mother.  So, I can help heal them by showing I love them whether they do things for me or not (or really, they are always doing something wonderful for me just by existing).  

And I really hope that one day, they'll forget about the tyrant me.  The mom they could never please on her birthday.  The mom they HAD to do things for or else she'd be let down.  The mom who always found fault in every gift she ever got.  Why was I like that?  I really hate that I did that to them all (including my hubby).  I really despise myself for being such an asshole that my own husband told me earlier this month "I hate May.  I feel like I am always letting people down."  That makes me want to cry knowing I did that to him!  His own mother's birthday is in May, too as is my mother's.  So he's had my mom's birthday, Mother's Day (for all 3 of us), my birthday, and his mother's birthday, all with shitty women (I wasn't shitty, unless it was my birthday LOL).  I knew when I heard that that I had to work on healing him so eventually he'll come to love this month.  Not because of those days (as we don't celebrate his mother's birthday anymore, and not much for my mom's birthday or MD for her), but because it's a wonderful month filled with lilacs and lilies of the valley, and spring celebrations and fun!  I want to heal us all: him, myself, and my children.  And I want my kids to grow up, being fully healed of all that shit so they can have healthy relationships with their own future families.

So, no more expectations.  Not for Mother's Day or my birthday.  I am happy with whatever happens or doesn't happen, and I will just practice gratefulness instead.  Not for her (I will never be grateful for abuse, even if it did allow me to have my hubby and kids by having her as a mother).  But for them.  As they are my life and the only people that matter to me.  

I've been heading this way for years, but I still carried a secret amount of anger in me, esp. for my birthdays.  But no more.  It's all gone now.  My special days will be about me and what I do for myself instead.  And that will always include gratefulness for what I have in life and who I have it with.  But it could also just be enjoying a good book or making a yummy treat for us to share.  It's not about labor (though MD did include a different kind of labor LOL--well, at least for me, as not all moms were pregnant).  It's about connection.  I disconnected from her.  But now I need to strengthen my connection to those I choose to be connected to, which is my family, but also includes myself.  

I am not special because I am a mom or because I was born.  I am special because my family loves me.  And I love them back.  Your family could be your dog/other pet or a group of friends (either online or in real life).  It could be anyone you choose as your family.  Even if your family is just you, that's okay.  Strengthen that connection on your special holidays.  It's not about being honored or remembered, it's about honoring yourself and remembering your connection to yourself, and by connecting to those you love who actually love you back.  Real love, not the narcissistic version of love our mothers gave us.

For my birthday this year, I bought a set of 40 "Happy Birthday" cake toppers.  And I am going to two cemeteries to place them on people's graves who share my birthday.  Because even though they're gone, I want to honor our connection.  I won't know them or anything about them, but I will remember the day of their births.  And I want to remind myself that I am still on the right side of the dirt, for now, so I need to honor that and be grateful for every second I am still here.  I also want to honor the lives of the people who came before me, who, on May 17th, got that spark of light in their bellies every year on that day (or, like me, who got that spark, but by the end of the day it always ended in a brush fire).  I want to heal my birthdays, as well as theirs.  

My mother didn't break me, she only bent me.  She bent me into a twisted mess for a very long time.  But I am finally unraveling it all and I can find myself again.  The person I was meant to be without her abuse.  And I am so much not like her, it's not even funny.  

If my family wants to do amazing things for me on my special says, I will be grateful for it and love every second!  If they don't, I will be grateful for the day no matter what it brings!  I am sick of hating my birthdays.  I am sick of my family hating the month of May.  I am so fucking done with all of that. I am disconnecting from my past ideals of what I thought Mother's Day and my birthday were about and instead, replacing it with a connection to everything and everyone I love instead.  

Because gifts and acts of service, while nice, are petty to be upset over if they aren't done enough to our liking.  I do not want to be petty anymore.  I do not want to feel like the world owes me something.  It doesn't.  It owes me nothing.  I am in charge of my own healing and my own behaviors and reactions.  Nobody owes me a damn thing.  We are all only human, after all.  And I no longer want to put the blame on anyone for not giving me what I need in life, because I am the only one who can do that (though I will put the blame on those who hurt me as a child, even if I do understand how it happened). 

I am not saying people are incapable of giving me what I need.  What I am saying is to change what I need because my reaction to what I am given is of my choosing: I can be grateful no matter what--or I can be disappointed no matter what.  And I choose the former.  I choose to be happy. 

This doesn't mean I forget my mother is an evil old seahag.  It just means I can let her be an evil old seahag anytime she likes, including my birthday, but I don't have to care anymore.  Because I choose to be grateful for my actual family, instead.  Why worry about those who don't matter when we can love those that do?  

Thank you to my beautiful family for loving me despite my horridness about these two days of the year.  You all matter to more more than anything, esp. more than the way my mother has treated me and taught me to be.  You are worth changing for.  I am worth changing for.  We all are.  

So, what part of your mother's (and/or father's) abuse will you undo this month?  Make May be the month you begin your healing if you haven't already.  Baby steps, my friends.  Unfurl yourself from their abuse and see how far you can reach in life.  Happy Belated Mother's day.  Because even if you don't have children, you are your own inner mother to yourself.  Never forget that.  

I guess am being a selfish jerk.  I feel like a little kid, throwing a temper tantrum.  But I feel justified in my insanity.  I am not here asking you to tell me if I am wrong or not.  I am just here expressing my feelings about what I did and what I am doing and why I am doing it.  

So, my cousin called today and left a message for my mother.  My cousin is the sister of the cousin who started this whole mess.  And this cousin, the one who called today, backs her sister up on everything she did.  And they all hate me.  Why?  Because I called them all out on their shit.  My ENTIRE family abandoned me when my father was dying (long before this mess happened) and I was stuck taking care of my grandmother, instead of spending time with my own dad.  My grandmother, was all four of my cousin's grandmothers, and was the mother of my aunt and uncle.  And yet I was the only one taking care of her.  I had to change her diapers.  I had to feed her.  I had to bathe her.  I had to get her out of bed each day.  My entire life was taken up by my 90-year-old grandmother, even though I had a toddler and a five-year-old.  And so I got pissed.  And I wrote a blog post about it.  An ANONYMOUS blog.  And then I realized they all also left me to rot in my house as a child, even though they all knew how abusive my parents were.  So I called them all out on that, too, with a second blog post.  And my cousin's little mini version of herself found it, showed it to her mother, and this cousin (the sister of the one who called) showed EVERYONE in my entire family what I wrote, and then went to my mother and showed her.  

And all hell broke loose.  This was in 2013.  

And that's when I started this blog.  

Because I'll be DAMNED if someone is going tell me that I can't write about my own fucking life.  So, oh, they were so upset to see two blog posts?  And now there's an entire blog decided to all those assholes.  

So, not only did that happen, a few years ago, this cousin (the same one who showed the blog posts to my family) literally sought out my mother-in-law to find her and warn her about me and to tell her I was mentally unstable.  And of course, my in-laws, who are both narcissists as well, never even told us about it, they just assumed it was true.  

So, I confronted my cousin about this after one day she came over to visit my mother and I was there (I lived upstairs) and she was nice to me.  So I called her, and immediately she told me "Yes, I warned her about you, because you're fucking crazy!"  Um....two-faced much?  I don't pretend to like people I hate if I see them in person.  That's not being an adult, that's being two-faced and manipulative.  So, I am "fucking crazy" because I wrote about my abuse growing up and none of you did anything to save me?  Even though this particular cousin LIVED IN OUR HOUSE and saw it with her own eyes?  She said "I was 19, what did you expect me to do??"  Oh good lord, you have a brain at 19 to do all sorts of things, you asshole!  When I was 17 I used to let my ex-boyfriend's brother come and sleep at my house because his dad was an abusive alcoholic.  I KNEW how to help people at every single age of my life!  But she couldn't figure it out at 19?  Okay, then.  That just goes to show what a narcissist you are, that you didn't think about anything but yourself at 19.  

Then the cousin who called today, contacted me after the whole "blog" debacle (there was no debacle, they just all overreacted and were the ones acting like psychos), used to be my protector against her sister.  She's severely codependent and I think she's a bit narcissistic herself, too.  Because eventually she morphed into her sister.  So she contacted me and told me if I have a problem with her, to talk to her instead of "putting her on blast" online.  Do adults really talk like that?  Anyways, I politely told her it was an ANONYMOUS blog (her niece only found it because she was snooping through every single thing of mine on social media) and nobody knew who my family was and nobody ever read those two posts, other than them.  AND since it was my private thoughts about my own family, my own life, and upbringing and whatnot, I would write what I want, when I want.  Nobody gets to police what I say other than me.  I didn't say it that way, I said it really nicely.  And probably left a majority of that out.  But she sort of listened to me and she ended it with "So, if you ever have a problem with something I do or my sister does, bring it up to us and we'll work it out."  So, I took her up on her offer and said "Actually, something really does bug me.  I call you guys and contact you do stuff with me and my kids all the time, and you two go places and do all this stuff without me and never once call me back to include me, ever.  And this really bothers me, as I want my kids to know their cousins and we all have kids the same ages.  I am always home and you two are always working, so I never know when you're home, so I'd prefer it if you guys called me instead of me calling you all the time."  And do you think we "worked out all out"?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  No.  She blew the fuck up and screamed "STOP GIVING ME THAT STAY AT HOME MOTHER CRAP!  YOU CAN CALL WHENEVER YOU LIKE!  DON'T PUT THIS ALL ON US!"  That's not what I said, but okay.  So, I didn't answer her and blocked her instead, because that was it.  She wasn't capable of "working it all out" or even having a civil conversation with me over something that hurt my feelings and made me feel excluded. 

You know what these two sisters did to me on my 21st birthday?  They REQUIRED they take me out for my first legal drink.  I was breastfeeding my 3-month old baby and I didn't want do anything like that, but they insisted.  And they INSISTED they would take me to Woodfield Mall by Chicago.  It was hours and hours away and I had a newborn baby and I did NOT want to go.  But I couldn't say no back then to people who pushed me.  And they pushed and pushed and pushed me.  So I went.  And just like back when I was 12 and my cousin (the one who started this whole mess) asked me to go this big expensive mall with her (I wanted her approval so much back when I was young) I was soooo excited!  And I found out that my JOB was to babysit her son (my cousin who's severely mentally ill--one day he'll be on the news for something horrible he did, just wait--I really hope I am wrong).  I loved him, he was my little buddy.  But I wasn't there to babysit.  I was there to be with my cousin.  And on my 21st birthday, there I was, reliving that day, not babysitting, but just there to hold these two bitches' bags.  Did we go into one store I wanted to go into?  NOPE.  It was just store after store, hours upon hours, of me following them around, holding their bags, while THEY shopped.  Then we went into a restaurant in the mall, and they forced me to drink (though I only took a couple sips) and I was in EXCRUCIATING pain, due to the breastmilk swelling my breasts past the size they were supposed to stretch to.  I tried pumping, but Evenflo DOES NOT make breast pumps that work.  I sat in the backseat crying all the way home because I was in so much pain.  When I got back, all I did was run to my baby, grab the bottle they were going to pop into his mouth, and nursed him until we both felt better.  It was one of my worst birthdays ever (minus the one where nobody showed up to my party--oh wait, that happened twice).  

So, my cousins have barely spoken to me since 2013, and two of them haven't spoken to me at all since then (my boy cousins).  That year, they had a family reunion I was not allowed to come to and they used the ENTIRE time to talk shit about me.  My mother was the center of attention that year, and she just laid into me and lied and lied and lied about me (saying all my abuse was made up).  

And this cousin, the one who called today, thinks she's buddy buddy with my mom.  She sends her Mother's Day cards, and birthday cards and Christmas cards, all of which I hand over.  She will email and call and thank goodness has never tried to visit, because that is not happening.  All of which I let happen.  But as the years have gone on, she communicates less and less.  Which I like.  But she sent a combo Mother's Day and birthday card to my mom this year.  I gave to my mom, but my birthday is a week away, and I KNOW she only does this shit to bother me because of that.  "Look I remember YOUR mother on Mother's Day, and her birthday, but not yours, ha!"  Last year she sent separate cards and I threw the Mother's Day card in the garbage, since she's not her mother.  Before moving here, she's never once sent her card for Mother's Day.  She just doing it to be an asshole.  

So today, she called.  My mother didn't pick up, and my cousin left a message.  She was telling her to call her back and to wish her a Happy Mother's Day and birthday.  She hardly ever calls my mom.  She just gets a hair up her ass and decides to when she feels like it.  Funny...back in the day?  My mother lived above her brother in an apartment (a two-story flat).  And my two cousins would come to visit on Christmas.  They'd visit their father, and then go home.  Never once coming up to see my mom.  EVEN THOUGH my mother paid for their father's groceries and paid his bills and was taking care of him when had Lewy Body dementia.  And they just sat back and did nothing.  And they'd come each year for Christmas and never once stop say hell to my mother (we were there, too, but they didn't know that).  And NOW she thinks she can just send her cards and call?   And she sends pictures of her kids for my mom to put up in the house (even though I love her kids, so that doesn't bother me, even though she thinks it does, ha!).  

So, I erased her message, deleted her call from caller ID, and then I deleted her number from the directory on our phone.  And next?  I am going to delete her fucking number from my mother's list of phone numbers.  Because I am tired of this.  She thinks she can befriend my mother while treating me like shit?  AND my mother thinks she can befriend a manipulative cunt who treats her daughter like shit?  And who treated her like shit in the past?  This is the same cousin who told me my mother could not "play the martyr" when it came to my grandmother and taking care of her and asking my aunt and uncle for money to help put her in a home for a month after my father died???  She was THEIR mother, too!!  And then my cousin lied and said she never said that to me.  

Sigh.  Nope.  Just like the wedding invite we got from her sister's (my other cousin) daughter (the one who caused all this chaos in the first place), this is going in the garbage. 

My mother has alienated me my entire life from everyone in our family, always talking shit about me to everyone, always making me out to be crazy or wild or horrible.  And my family has always used me as the scapegoat for all of their bullshit.  So I am done.  When my mother is in a home, sure, let them all be BFF's with her all day every day (and they won't--as history has taught us), but when she's in MY home and MY care?  They WILL NOT act as though I do not exist.  Because FUCK THEM.  FUCK THEM ALL.  And my mother doesn't get to alienate me from them anymore, either (which is why I sign all her Christmas cards after she seals them up and gives them for me to send).  I am her caretaker.  But more so?  I am her fucking daughter.  Sure, she bought and paid for me, so she's not actually my mother, but I am her damn daughter.  She CHOSE me.  And will not be erased from the family she put me in.  They will either respect me, or they don't get to have anything to do with her.  Not while I am here, doing the dirty work of taking care of an elder, once again, in my own home.  NOPE.  Not happening.  Not anymore.  

So Tam, if you're reading this?  Which I know you're not, but let's pretend.  Then know I am not the joker or the loser my mother has made me out to be.  And if you're not going to treat me with respect?  Then get the fuck out.  You do not belong in my family.  And as long as my mother lives in my home?  She's a part of this family, which you have chosen to not be a part of.  And you will not use her to annoy me or to try to hurt my feelings anymore.  Y'all may have been here first, but I was here last and I am still here and I more her family than any of you are.  This bitch CHOSE to bring me home.  So stop acting like I am just some kind of invader or infiltrator....or usurper, as my name might have you to believe.  Yes, you guys lost out on the boy cousin you were supposed to have.  And I took his place.  But that's not my fault.  I didn't ask to be here.  And now you've gotten your wish.  I have been removed and removed myself from your lives.  But my mother is a part of that deal.  You don't want me?  You don't get her.  So there.  And that's how the cookie crumbles.  Put that in your green juice and drink it!  

(And don't forget, I know you're the one who sent me that anonymous letter in the mail back in the day about me being a loser, Miss Yoga International.)

And this is my Mother's Day gift from my mother to me.  I am finally standing up for myself and not allowed my family to dictate shit anymore.  If they want her?  They have to take me.  And I know they do not want me.  So, this is their choice.  

Hope your Mother's Day went good and I hope you stayed away from your mothers!!  

Has the world gone fucking stupid?  

Huh?  Has everyone turned into morons??  I WAS LITERALLY REMOVED FROM A FACEBOOK GROUP (a group who's sole purpose was created for making online friends with other neurodivergent people) FOR NOT PICKING BEAR!  What has this world come to?????  WHY WOULD YOU PICK A BEAR?????  AND WHY IN THE HOLY HELL DO YOU CARE WHAT I WOULD PICK??!!

I have met many men in my life and most of them have not raped me.  I have been alone in places with men I don't know and none of them have raped me.  I have ONLY been raped by men I know and I've been raped more times that I care to count (for real, I honestly have lost track and I have no idea of the number).  And you know what?  If I see a fucking bear in the wild??  I AM GOING TO FREEZE AND BE QUIET AND HOPE IT DOESN'T SEE ME!  Because bears fucking eat people!!!  

If I am lost in the woods, how THE FUCK is a bear going to help save me????  That bear could attack me, and I have zero way to defend myself.  But a man could save me.  Esp. if that man is a forest ranger!  But even if he's another hiker, sure, he could rape me.  But he, most likely, will help me find my way home.  Assuming that because some men rape others that all men will rape IS THE SAME FUCKING THING AS ASSUMING A BLACK PERSON IS GOING TO ROB YOU BECOME SOME BLACK PEOPLE ARE CRIMINALS!! 

"Well, Shay, the statistics say that a large amount of men rape people, so the odds are..."

"Well, my fine moron, statistics also say that large amount of black men are criminals, so the odds are....WAIT, that's racist!  No!  We can't assume that!!  And we should NOT assume that!!  So, the same applies to men, you fucking dumbasses!!"  

So, let me ask you, you helpless little idiot woman, why are you walking in the woods alone, without a weapon?  Oh, you were with your family, but your dumbass got lost?  I am going to tell you right now, you should NOT be hiking in the woods with your family, in bear country!  Are you fucking stupid?  If you're going hiking IN BEAR COUNTRY, you should always bring a weapon, because if you don't, you deserve to be mauled by a bear.  Because that same weapon would protect you against a man, and could possibly protect you against a bear (bear spray works for more than just bears, ladies!) 

If my ass is lost in the wild, you better be sure I'd be carrying something that would keep me as safe as I possibly could be.  And I come across a man, I will watch him from afar at first, and see if he looks normal.  If so, I will approach him and ask for help.  And most likely, he will help me without raping me.  But I can't ask a bear for help, as I will be avoiding that thing at all costs!!  Because I know the bear will not only not help me, but will put me in danger.  The man?  Well, I should be armed with something that I can fight him off with.  And I tell you what, if a man is out prowling in the woods for rape victims??  Then he's going to kill his victims, too.  So...he's better of being dead.  "So, try to rape me in the woods, motherfucker, and see what happens!  See how now we're going both be stuck in the woods, but one of us is never leaving and it won't be me (well, unless nobody finds me).  Maybe I can find a bear to ride out of the wilderness while I carry a flag made your shirt (after I search your body for a phone or something else I could use)?"  

So the question is not "man or bear?" because that's the wrong fucking question.  It's "What kind of weapon am I bringing on a bear country hike?"  and "If I am so scared of men, why don't I already have my conceal carry license?"  or "Why do I participate in silly thought experiments without actually thinking them through properly?"  Because bears don't just roam in any woods.  They roam in bear country.  And if you are stupid enough to enter woods without making sure if you are in bear country or not, then you deserve to be eaten by a bear.  If you find out that the woods you want to hike in is bear country, then why are you not bringing a weapon to protect yourself (my mother once hiked in a bear country in Alaska with a can of pennies.....yes, the sound scares them off, but what if it didn't?--so, she deserved to be eaten by a bear, but alas, she was not...sigh)?  And if you are a human, woman OR man, hiking alone in the woods, why are you not bringing a weapon??  Are you stupid?  Even at your city parks, if there are woods and you are alone, you need a weapon, period (not for bears, but muggers, rappers, and murderers).  Otherwise you're not prepared for life and you should go back home and hide in your house and think about why you are out there tempting fate.  Because other humans are dangerous.  Not because you think everyone man is a rapist, but because other human beings, PERIOD, are violent.  We are animals, just like bears.  So asking "man or bear" is like asking "moose or alligator".  Both will kill you in a heartbeat (faster than a man can rape you!).  

"But Shay, didn't you just prove my point?"  Yes, ma'am, I did.  But I also proved MY point: arm yourself because this world is fucked and is filled with violence.  Carry bear spray, pepper spray, or anything you can to protect your own safety (oh this reminds me, I need new pepper spray).  Because only YOU can prevent forest fires (and attacks to your body).