I guess am being a selfish jerk.  I feel like a little kid, throwing a temper tantrum.  But I feel justified in my insanity.  I am not here asking you to tell me if I am wrong or not.  I am just here expressing my feelings about what I did and what I am doing and why I am doing it.  

So, my cousin called today and left a message for my mother.  My cousin is the sister of the cousin who started this whole mess.  And this cousin, the one who called today, backs her sister up on everything she did.  And they all hate me.  Why?  Because I called them all out on their shit.  My ENTIRE family abandoned me when my father was dying (long before this mess happened) and I was stuck taking care of my grandmother, instead of spending time with my own dad.  My grandmother, was all four of my cousin's grandmothers, and was the mother of my aunt and uncle.  And yet I was the only one taking care of her.  I had to change her diapers.  I had to feed her.  I had to bathe her.  I had to get her out of bed each day.  My entire life was taken up by my 90-year-old grandmother, even though I had a toddler and a five-year-old.  And so I got pissed.  And I wrote a blog post about it.  An ANONYMOUS blog.  And then I realized they all also left me to rot in my house as a child, even though they all knew how abusive my parents were.  So I called them all out on that, too, with a second blog post.  And my cousin's little mini version of herself found it, showed it to her mother, and this cousin (the sister of the one who called) showed EVERYONE in my entire family what I wrote, and then went to my mother and showed her.  

And all hell broke loose.  This was in 2013.  

And that's when I started this blog.  

Because I'll be DAMNED if someone is going tell me that I can't write about my own fucking life.  So, oh, they were so upset to see two blog posts?  And now there's an entire blog decided to all those assholes.  

So, not only did that happen, a few years ago, this cousin (the same one who showed the blog posts to my family) literally sought out my mother-in-law to find her and warn her about me and to tell her I was mentally unstable.  And of course, my in-laws, who are both narcissists as well, never even told us about it, they just assumed it was true.  

So, I confronted my cousin about this after one day she came over to visit my mother and I was there (I lived upstairs) and she was nice to me.  So I called her, and immediately she told me "Yes, I warned her about you, because you're fucking crazy!"  Um....two-faced much?  I don't pretend to like people I hate if I see them in person.  That's not being an adult, that's being two-faced and manipulative.  So, I am "fucking crazy" because I wrote about my abuse growing up and none of you did anything to save me?  Even though this particular cousin LIVED IN OUR HOUSE and saw it with her own eyes?  She said "I was 19, what did you expect me to do??"  Oh good lord, you have a brain at 19 to do all sorts of things, you asshole!  When I was 17 I used to let my ex-boyfriend's brother come and sleep at my house because his dad was an abusive alcoholic.  I KNEW how to help people at every single age of my life!  But she couldn't figure it out at 19?  Okay, then.  That just goes to show what a narcissist you are, that you didn't think about anything but yourself at 19.  

Then the cousin who called today, contacted me after the whole "blog" debacle (there was no debacle, they just all overreacted and were the ones acting like psychos), used to be my protector against her sister.  She's severely codependent and I think she's a bit narcissistic herself, too.  Because eventually she morphed into her sister.  So she contacted me and told me if I have a problem with her, to talk to her instead of "putting her on blast" online.  Do adults really talk like that?  Anyways, I politely told her it was an ANONYMOUS blog (her niece only found it because she was snooping through every single thing of mine on social media) and nobody knew who my family was and nobody ever read those two posts, other than them.  AND since it was my private thoughts about my own family, my own life, and upbringing and whatnot, I would write what I want, when I want.  Nobody gets to police what I say other than me.  I didn't say it that way, I said it really nicely.  And probably left a majority of that out.  But she sort of listened to me and she ended it with "So, if you ever have a problem with something I do or my sister does, bring it up to us and we'll work it out."  So, I took her up on her offer and said "Actually, something really does bug me.  I call you guys and contact you do stuff with me and my kids all the time, and you two go places and do all this stuff without me and never once call me back to include me, ever.  And this really bothers me, as I want my kids to know their cousins and we all have kids the same ages.  I am always home and you two are always working, so I never know when you're home, so I'd prefer it if you guys called me instead of me calling you all the time."  And do you think we "worked out all out"?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  No.  She blew the fuck up and screamed "STOP GIVING ME THAT STAY AT HOME MOTHER CRAP!  YOU CAN CALL WHENEVER YOU LIKE!  DON'T PUT THIS ALL ON US!"  That's not what I said, but okay.  So, I didn't answer her and blocked her instead, because that was it.  She wasn't capable of "working it all out" or even having a civil conversation with me over something that hurt my feelings and made me feel excluded. 

You know what these two sisters did to me on my 21st birthday?  They REQUIRED they take me out for my first legal drink.  I was breastfeeding my 3-month old baby and I didn't want do anything like that, but they insisted.  And they INSISTED they would take me to Woodfield Mall by Chicago.  It was hours and hours away and I had a newborn baby and I did NOT want to go.  But I couldn't say no back then to people who pushed me.  And they pushed and pushed and pushed me.  So I went.  And just like back when I was 12 and my cousin (the one who started this whole mess) asked me to go this big expensive mall with her (I wanted her approval so much back when I was young) I was soooo excited!  And I found out that my JOB was to babysit her son (my cousin who's severely mentally ill--one day he'll be on the news for something horrible he did, just wait--I really hope I am wrong).  I loved him, he was my little buddy.  But I wasn't there to babysit.  I was there to be with my cousin.  And on my 21st birthday, there I was, reliving that day, not babysitting, but just there to hold these two bitches' bags.  Did we go into one store I wanted to go into?  NOPE.  It was just store after store, hours upon hours, of me following them around, holding their bags, while THEY shopped.  Then we went into a restaurant in the mall, and they forced me to drink (though I only took a couple sips) and I was in EXCRUCIATING pain, due to the breastmilk swelling my breasts past the size they were supposed to stretch to.  I tried pumping, but Evenflo DOES NOT make breast pumps that work.  I sat in the backseat crying all the way home because I was in so much pain.  When I got back, all I did was run to my baby, grab the bottle they were going to pop into his mouth, and nursed him until we both felt better.  It was one of my worst birthdays ever (minus the one where nobody showed up to my party--oh wait, that happened twice).  

So, my cousins have barely spoken to me since 2013, and two of them haven't spoken to me at all since then (my boy cousins).  That year, they had a family reunion I was not allowed to come to and they used the ENTIRE time to talk shit about me.  My mother was the center of attention that year, and she just laid into me and lied and lied and lied about me (saying all my abuse was made up).  

And this cousin, the one who called today, thinks she's buddy buddy with my mom.  She sends her Mother's Day cards, and birthday cards and Christmas cards, all of which I hand over.  She will email and call and thank goodness has never tried to visit, because that is not happening.  All of which I let happen.  But as the years have gone on, she communicates less and less.  Which I like.  But she sent a combo Mother's Day and birthday card to my mom this year.  I gave to my mom, but my birthday is a week away, and I KNOW she only does this shit to bother me because of that.  "Look I remember YOUR mother on Mother's Day, and her birthday, but not yours, ha!"  Last year she sent separate cards and I threw the Mother's Day card in the garbage, since she's not her mother.  Before moving here, she's never once sent her card for Mother's Day.  She just doing it to be an asshole.  

So today, she called.  My mother didn't pick up, and my cousin left a message.  She was telling her to call her back and to wish her a Happy Mother's Day and birthday.  She hardly ever calls my mom.  She just gets a hair up her ass and decides to when she feels like it.  Funny...back in the day?  My mother lived above her brother in an apartment (a two-story flat).  And my two cousins would come to visit on Christmas.  They'd visit their father, and then go home.  Never once coming up to see my mom.  EVEN THOUGH my mother paid for their father's groceries and paid his bills and was taking care of him when had Lewy Body dementia.  And they just sat back and did nothing.  And they'd come each year for Christmas and never once stop say hell to my mother (we were there, too, but they didn't know that).  And NOW she thinks she can just send her cards and call?   And she sends pictures of her kids for my mom to put up in the house (even though I love her kids, so that doesn't bother me, even though she thinks it does, ha!).  

So, I erased her message, deleted her call from caller ID, and then I deleted her number from the directory on our phone.  And next?  I am going to delete her fucking number from my mother's list of phone numbers.  Because I am tired of this.  She thinks she can befriend my mother while treating me like shit?  AND my mother thinks she can befriend a manipulative cunt who treats her daughter like shit?  And who treated her like shit in the past?  This is the same cousin who told me my mother could not "play the martyr" when it came to my grandmother and taking care of her and asking my aunt and uncle for money to help put her in a home for a month after my father died???  She was THEIR mother, too!!  And then my cousin lied and said she never said that to me.  

Sigh.  Nope.  Just like the wedding invite we got from her sister's (my other cousin) daughter (the one who caused all this chaos in the first place), this is going in the garbage. 

My mother has alienated me my entire life from everyone in our family, always talking shit about me to everyone, always making me out to be crazy or wild or horrible.  And my family has always used me as the scapegoat for all of their bullshit.  So I am done.  When my mother is in a home, sure, let them all be BFF's with her all day every day (and they won't--as history has taught us), but when she's in MY home and MY care?  They WILL NOT act as though I do not exist.  Because FUCK THEM.  FUCK THEM ALL.  And my mother doesn't get to alienate me from them anymore, either (which is why I sign all her Christmas cards after she seals them up and gives them for me to send).  I am her caretaker.  But more so?  I am her fucking daughter.  Sure, she bought and paid for me, so she's not actually my mother, but I am her damn daughter.  She CHOSE me.  And will not be erased from the family she put me in.  They will either respect me, or they don't get to have anything to do with her.  Not while I am here, doing the dirty work of taking care of an elder, once again, in my own home.  NOPE.  Not happening.  Not anymore.  

So Tam, if you're reading this?  Which I know you're not, but let's pretend.  Then know I am not the joker or the loser my mother has made me out to be.  And if you're not going to treat me with respect?  Then get the fuck out.  You do not belong in my family.  And as long as my mother lives in my home?  She's a part of this family, which you have chosen to not be a part of.  And you will not use her to annoy me or to try to hurt my feelings anymore.  Y'all may have been here first, but I was here last and I am still here and I more her family than any of you are.  This bitch CHOSE to bring me home.  So stop acting like I am just some kind of invader or infiltrator....or usurper, as my name might have you to believe.  Yes, you guys lost out on the boy cousin you were supposed to have.  And I took his place.  But that's not my fault.  I didn't ask to be here.  And now you've gotten your wish.  I have been removed and removed myself from your lives.  But my mother is a part of that deal.  You don't want me?  You don't get her.  So there.  And that's how the cookie crumbles.  Put that in your green juice and drink it!  

(And don't forget, I know you're the one who sent me that anonymous letter in the mail back in the day about me being a loser, Miss Yoga International.)

And this is my Mother's Day gift from my mother to me.  I am finally standing up for myself and not allowed my family to dictate shit anymore.  If they want her?  They have to take me.  And I know they do not want me.  So, this is their choice.  

Hope your Mother's Day went good and I hope you stayed away from your mothers!!