It isn't easy to just make a decision to feel a certain way and just do it.  It's like if you're a messy person, you can't just clean your house or a room and say "Well that's it, it's going to stay clean now!"  That's not how it works.  It takes maintenance.  Just like it takes maintenance to stay "no contact", or to keep to your carefully constructed boundaries, or to change the way you feel about something.  

I said I wanted to change the way I see my birthdays from what I don't have to what I do have.  So I can be more grateful.  And I stick by that.  BUT it's not as easy as just saying it and it staying true.  I have to remind myself why I am doing this and why it's important to do this.  And I have to remind myself of the lessons I've learned in life from both Buddhism and Toltec teachings.  

So, my birthmother texts me today and says "Oh, I just sent out your card today!  The week just got away from me!"  Which is B-Code for "Oh shit, I just remembered your birthday today and sent you out a card!"  I am not stupid.  I know she forgot because she forgets every single year.  On my 40th, she completely forgot and never even acknowledged it.  That year really fucking sucked.  

But that's the thing.  It didn't have to suck.  Sure, I had just went no contact with my mother, which I was planning on keeping to forever.  So, I was a bit more emotional at that time.  But I could have been grateful for what I did have.  I never want to feel like that again.  It was gut-wrenching and horrible and I was so very, very angry.  I never want to feel so abandoned ever again (my grandmother, her mother, also forget my birthday that year).  I want to feel full.  I want to feel whole.  I want to feel like whatever I get in life is just the icing on the cake.  Because I want to feel like my life is always the cake, no matter what happens.  I never want to feel again like it's just a pile of crumbs and it was all eaten by everyone else without me getting a slice.  I want to feel so whole that even if everyone forgot my birthday, I could still have a wonderful day.  And that everyone could eat the cake every single day and there would always be enough for us all have more.  I want abundance.  But not an abundance of things.  But an abundance of soul (meaning my energy as a person that makes up who I am--as well as a gratefulness for what I have).  

I imagine that the souls of those of us with high ACE scores/trauma/CPTSD look like this (yes I know this is a little disturbing, but sometimes we feel a little disturbed when we feel broken):  

Beaten up.  Bent and twisted.  Gaping holes.  Weeping wounds.  Dry like sandpaper.  And for some of us, almost non-existent.  Or at least that's how it feels to us when we like we have more holes than soul.

And our goal is to get here: 

Souls full of wonder.  Full of love.  Full of the juicy rainbows of life.  

My soul has some weeping wounds, and one of them is my birthday.  During this time of year, that wound gets bigger and bigger until the day of, and then slowly goes back to normal the day after (unless my birthday has been deemed "horrible", like it has in the past, then the wounds can almost take me completely over and it will take months to recover).  I don't want to have a wounded soul anymore.  I don't want to be punished for something that is not my fault.  I didn't do these things to myself, so why am I holding onto those terrible acts and allowing them to shade my life?  I want to be happy.  I want to be whole again.  I want to be whole all the time, not just on certain days when I feel good.  I want to be full of life and gratefulness and understanding.  I do understand people.  But sometimes I forget.  Sometimes I put my shaded viewpoint before them and become hurt by their actions (or inactions).  My birthday is mine, not theirs.  So, I can't expect them to treat my birthday as though it's theirs to always be on their mind.  It's my day to be kind to myself.  And that means to not take personally the actions of others when it comes to this day.  I love my family.  And they do their best.  And I do my best.  And yes, I can do better, but I can't control other people to do better, because that's their action to take.  I can't control anyone but me.  And I can only really control how I react to the actions of others.  So why choose to be hurt?  Yes, hurting is 100% a choice.  It may not feel that way, but it is (even if it's hard to choose otherwise).  We view life as a certain way and when it doesn't live up to that certain way, we become hurt.  We let our wounds speak for us.  We let our wounded souls take over and rather than see things through the eye of understanding, we see them through the lens of our wounded souls.  "I feel I do not deserve love, and this action proves it once again: I am not lovable."  But if we just step sideways into the world of understanding, we will understand that other people's actions have nothing to do with us at all.  He cheats because he hates himself.  She ignores you because she's depressed.  And your mother/birthmother forgets your birthday because she is unhappy with herself and her life choices.  Sometimes these actions are deliberate on their parts, but even if they are, they aren't personal (even if that person meant them to be personal...you don't have to take it personally).  Hurt people hurt people.  Nobody hurts you because you're a bad person.  They hurt you because they are hurting (or they are forgetful or selfish, etc.).  We hurt others under the guise of the idea that they deserve our wrath, but in reality, we are hurting, otherwise we'd be nicer.  

I am not saying it's okay they do these things.  I am just saying that if we can understand, we can relieve ourselves of the pain of taking things personally.  I HIGHLY recommend Don Miguel Ruiz's "The Voice of Knowledge".  It changed my life many years ago.  I don't always remember the book's teachings, but when I do, wow.  It's like night and day for my heart (and my soul).  

So, tomorrow, I will wake up, and I will smile and I tell myself "Happy Birthday" and I will take care of myself and get myself ready.  And then I will do something to make myself happy.  Yes, we have plans tomorrow, and I will wake people up to go.  But I will remind myself that I don't need anything else other than that (to be surrounded by people that love me).  I don't need people to remember or to call or send me a card or whatever.  I will just let those people be who they are and do their own thing because my day is about me, and they have their own lives to lead (that doesn't always include me).  

I need to leave this feeling of abandonment behind.  I know that's the source of this weeping wound.  Even my mother deliberately sabotaging my birthdays in the past felt like abandonment to me.  It's the not caring and the jealousy from her that feels like I am not allowed to have a day of happiness just for myself.  But that's her feelings, and they're not the truth.  Only I get to say what my birthday is about.  I don't mean my family can't surprise me, I mean only I get to say how I feel about this day.  And I want to be happy.  

Okay, I am going to go clean up the kitchen and the living room, because I don't want to clean tomorrow.  And I am going to go sit outside and enjoy this gorgeous day and read something.  All of our internet is out, so I can't do anything else.  Which sucks, but at least I can read a book!  

Oh, and I am doing laundry, too.  So that's something internet free! LOL  

I hope you're having a great May so far and please eat some cake for me, tomorrow!