For most of our lives, as children of narcissistic mothers, we've all been taught that the gift giving is what matters.  It's how we honor our mothers and it's how we let them know they are worthy of being our moms.  It's what we do for them that counts.  Or rather, how much we give them of what they want.  Whether that means gifts, or leaving them alone, or whatever their wishes are for the day.  And if we don't do enough, we are guilted into believing that we don't care enough about them and we are bad daughters and sons. 

So, we grow up believing this is the right way to act.  So, when we become mothers, we believe we are also owed, maybe not as much as our mothers demanded of us (and the rest of the world), but owed enough of what we want, as well.  If our kids don't mow our lawns, or make us breakfast, or give us cards on special says, we sulk or get angry, feeling let down or that we aren't loved enough.  Even if we don't consciously choose to act like our mothers, somewhere those ideas do live in our psyches and if our kids don't call us when we think they should or do what they're supposed to do for us, we still feel somewhat let down.  

And I've finally realized this is all nothing but bullshit.  

Because if we really want to release the effects of what our narcissistic mothers have done to us how they molded us and shaped us, then we need to reject the idea of Mother's Day (or our birthdays) being about us being pampered or shown appreciation.  And what I suggest to do instead is to show internal appreciation to ourselves for our motherhood journeys and to our children for giving us the gift of motherhood.  We may have chose to bring them into the world, but we didn't choose them.  They came to us as people already.  And we need to show how grateful we are for those fully-formed humans who came into our lives and changed us from young women and turned us into moms.  

My Mother's Day was spent cleaning up my yard.  And I loved every second of it.  Yet, so many women bitch that they have to do that kind of stuff on their special holiday, as though "time off" should only come once a year.  But I love watching something go from looking totally insane to something pretty and nice (yes, my garden area of my yard was overgrown and crazy looking!).  So I was spending my day getting things done that I wanted and needed done and I was having fun while doing it.  And I am proud of myself for getting most of it done.  And I spent all that time mowing down 2-foot-tall grass in my garden being eternally grateful for my motherhood journey.  That I have two beautiful and wonderful grown sons and I have a great relationship with them both.  I thought about how proud I was of them and myself for getting as far as we have in life and being able to still be as close as we are.  And I am grateful to my husband who adopted those boys back in 2011 and has been a great father to them both.  My kids came out and helped me on and off, but really, it was like any other day.  And I didn't get any cards or gifts, but that was at my request, because for me, it doesn't make any sense when my birthday is only a week away.  

But even if it wasn't, I don't require my family to do anything for me (anymore).  I don't expect anything at all.  I just want to spend time with them and see their faces.  My kids need to know that they can show me their love and appreciation whenever they like, not just on special days.  Because love isn't saved up for single moment or acts.  Love is always.  Narcissists need these large grandiose single acts because they don't think love is always.  Love to them is intermittent, and only when someone is doing something you want them to.  

I used to be devastated if my husband and kids didn't go all out for my birthdays.  And they never did (in my old shitty opinion--they DID do a lot, but it was never enough back then), and so I was always devastated.  And I let them know it.  Because I learned from my mother that's how love worked.   It took me a long time to realize how wrong I was.  And it took until this year to realize that why nothing was ever good enough for me before was because there was a large gaping hole inside of me that could never be filled with enough acts of love/service or gifts.  That is, until I could learn that I was enough all on my own without my mother's approval.  And once I figured that out, I realized there wasn't a hole at all and I would be okay if nobody ever gave me a gift again (because gifts are not representative of my worth as a mother or wife).  

And so now, all these years later, I've fully committed to the "doing nothing" attitude for these holidays, and I just go with the flow.  I don't expect anything at all.  Not from my kids or hubby.  Or anyone else for that matter.  And now I can get that excited feeling of sparks my belly again knowing my special days will be special just because I exist, not because other people have to fill that gaping unfillable hole in my soul anymore.  It's all about gratefulness now, not a want or a need.  And definitely not an expectation.  

I have fully disconnected the cord between me and my mother, something I've tried to do for years.  And now I am free from her.  I can finally say that for once in my life.  I am free of her disappointment (well, when I am expecting it, she can still get me sometimes if I am not expecting it, but nowhere near as badly).  I am free of her judgment.  And I am free of her opinion of me.  So, Mother's Day for me, with her, is easy.  And now I'm making it even easier by learning to be grateful for what I have on MD, rather than bitching about what I don't have or didn't get.  There is no such thing as the perfect gift or action.  We can always find fault in every single little thing in life, if we went to.  And I used to be like that.  And it made my family miserable.  So, I stepped back and asked myself "Why?  Why do I expect these things?  Do I think they don't love me if I don't get those things?  Do I think they don't care?  I know better than that.  So why do I NEED these things?"  And then I realized: I actually don't need them at all.  I just need them.  I just need to know they are still existing beside me in life and I am happy with that.

So, what do I actually need on Mother's Day?  I need to feel the love in my heart for my kids.  I need to remember the joys of pregnancy and the silliness of the fears I had before I had children (about having children).  What if I can't...?  What if this happens?  Or that happens?  We did it all and we ended up okay anyways.  And now I have two grown men who are amazing and kind and are there for me when I need them to be (like when I was sick or when I am super anxious), as I am for them.  I am so fucking lucky in life to have my kids.  And that's what I need on Mother's Day.  To remember that.  I don't need flowers (though I did get myself a hanging basket of flowers--they are gorgeous!).  I don't need candy or spa days or even a card.  I just need to fill my heart with joy for my children and my motherhood journey.  And all the crazy bumps in the road we've endured and to be thankful we've gotten through them all.  

If I had asked for my kids to take me somewhere, they would have.  If I had asked for a card, they'd have bought me one or made me one.  If I had asked for special treats or a food I loved, they'd have made them for me.  I know this, as they do those things every single year for me.  But this year, I asked for nothing, because I already have enough and all I needed was them.  I didn't get to see them a lot, as they both were sort of sick and felt gross and were zoning out with their own things they had to do.  But they still hung out with me and helped me and we had a cookout and sat outside and I worked some more on the yard while talking to them.  It was wonderful.

My mother: "Oh, isn't this always the way??  You're the mom and you have to clean and cook and do yardwork!!!  You should be making them all do it!!"  

I laughed, and knew because of her words, I was doing exactly what I should have been doing, because I wanted to be doing those things.  I am sick so much of the time, so when I feel good, I LOVE doing the stuff I wish I could do every day.  My family's worth to me is not bound by their ability to give me things or do things for me.  I am not a narcissist.  So I grilled food, mowed my garden, did laundry, and cleaned the house some (and burned our paper garbage), because I wanted to spend my day doing things I like doing.  And my family still got the best of me that day.  My mother's reign in my life didn't just affect me.  It affected my family by the way I treated them when I was still under the spell of my mother.  So, I can help heal them by showing I love them whether they do things for me or not (or really, they are always doing something wonderful for me just by existing).  

And I really hope that one day, they'll forget about the tyrant me.  The mom they could never please on her birthday.  The mom they HAD to do things for or else she'd be let down.  The mom who always found fault in every gift she ever got.  Why was I like that?  I really hate that I did that to them all (including my hubby).  I really despise myself for being such an asshole that my own husband told me earlier this month "I hate May.  I feel like I am always letting people down."  That makes me want to cry knowing I did that to him!  His own mother's birthday is in May, too as is my mother's.  So he's had my mom's birthday, Mother's Day (for all 3 of us), my birthday, and his mother's birthday, all with shitty women (I wasn't shitty, unless it was my birthday LOL).  I knew when I heard that that I had to work on healing him so eventually he'll come to love this month.  Not because of those days (as we don't celebrate his mother's birthday anymore, and not much for my mom's birthday or MD for her), but because it's a wonderful month filled with lilacs and lilies of the valley, and spring celebrations and fun!  I want to heal us all: him, myself, and my children.  And I want my kids to grow up, being fully healed of all that shit so they can have healthy relationships with their own future families.

So, no more expectations.  Not for Mother's Day or my birthday.  I am happy with whatever happens or doesn't happen, and I will just practice gratefulness instead.  Not for her (I will never be grateful for abuse, even if it did allow me to have my hubby and kids by having her as a mother).  But for them.  As they are my life and the only people that matter to me.  

I've been heading this way for years, but I still carried a secret amount of anger in me, esp. for my birthdays.  But no more.  It's all gone now.  My special days will be about me and what I do for myself instead.  And that will always include gratefulness for what I have in life and who I have it with.  But it could also just be enjoying a good book or making a yummy treat for us to share.  It's not about labor (though MD did include a different kind of labor LOL--well, at least for me, as not all moms were pregnant).  It's about connection.  I disconnected from her.  But now I need to strengthen my connection to those I choose to be connected to, which is my family, but also includes myself.  

I am not special because I am a mom or because I was born.  I am special because my family loves me.  And I love them back.  Your family could be your dog/other pet or a group of friends (either online or in real life).  It could be anyone you choose as your family.  Even if your family is just you, that's okay.  Strengthen that connection on your special holidays.  It's not about being honored or remembered, it's about honoring yourself and remembering your connection to yourself, and by connecting to those you love who actually love you back.  Real love, not the narcissistic version of love our mothers gave us.

For my birthday this year, I bought a set of 40 "Happy Birthday" cake toppers.  And I am going to two cemeteries to place them on people's graves who share my birthday.  Because even though they're gone, I want to honor our connection.  I won't know them or anything about them, but I will remember the day of their births.  And I want to remind myself that I am still on the right side of the dirt, for now, so I need to honor that and be grateful for every second I am still here.  I also want to honor the lives of the people who came before me, who, on May 17th, got that spark of light in their bellies every year on that day (or, like me, who got that spark, but by the end of the day it always ended in a brush fire).  I want to heal my birthdays, as well as theirs.  

My mother didn't break me, she only bent me.  She bent me into a twisted mess for a very long time.  But I am finally unraveling it all and I can find myself again.  The person I was meant to be without her abuse.  And I am so much not like her, it's not even funny.  

If my family wants to do amazing things for me on my special says, I will be grateful for it and love every second!  If they don't, I will be grateful for the day no matter what it brings!  I am sick of hating my birthdays.  I am sick of my family hating the month of May.  I am so fucking done with all of that. I am disconnecting from my past ideals of what I thought Mother's Day and my birthday were about and instead, replacing it with a connection to everything and everyone I love instead.  

Because gifts and acts of service, while nice, are petty to be upset over if they aren't done enough to our liking.  I do not want to be petty anymore.  I do not want to feel like the world owes me something.  It doesn't.  It owes me nothing.  I am in charge of my own healing and my own behaviors and reactions.  Nobody owes me a damn thing.  We are all only human, after all.  And I no longer want to put the blame on anyone for not giving me what I need in life, because I am the only one who can do that (though I will put the blame on those who hurt me as a child, even if I do understand how it happened). 

I am not saying people are incapable of giving me what I need.  What I am saying is to change what I need because my reaction to what I am given is of my choosing: I can be grateful no matter what--or I can be disappointed no matter what.  And I choose the former.  I choose to be happy. 

This doesn't mean I forget my mother is an evil old seahag.  It just means I can let her be an evil old seahag anytime she likes, including my birthday, but I don't have to care anymore.  Because I choose to be grateful for my actual family, instead.  Why worry about those who don't matter when we can love those that do?  

Thank you to my beautiful family for loving me despite my horridness about these two days of the year.  You all matter to more more than anything, esp. more than the way my mother has treated me and taught me to be.  You are worth changing for.  I am worth changing for.  We all are.  

So, what part of your mother's (and/or father's) abuse will you undo this month?  Make May be the month you begin your healing if you haven't already.  Baby steps, my friends.  Unfurl yourself from their abuse and see how far you can reach in life.  Happy Belated Mother's day.  Because even if you don't have children, you are your own inner mother to yourself.  Never forget that.