I just had a really fucked up thought.  

What if...the reason there are so many narcissists in the world, is because they are the norm, and we are the outliers?  What if...in order to survive in this crazy world as prehistoric people, that everyone was born without much empathy?  Because think about it...what evolutionary benefit does empathy help when it comes to surviving in the wilds?  Running away from or fighting wild animals, how does empathy help us there?  

What if we always think that empathy is the norm, but what if it isn't?  And that's why this world is so messed up?  I am not saying they were straight up full-blown sociopaths/psychopaths, I am just wondering if they all had less empathy than normal, like most narcissists today do?  

Studies say all species of man, though some more than others, had empathy.  So, having zero empathy is still the most uncommon thing, but just because a species took care of their sick or elderly, it doesn't mean they were like us (the people with all the empathy).  At least not all of them.  I bet there were some, but I really wonder if various levels of actual narcissism is just the state of the human species, for the most part.  And the only reason why we're so aware of it is because of social media.  

I mean, we never were aware of how many shark attacks happen on a regular basis, and when they started reporting it, we were shocked.  We thought that the sharks had went feral and now were attacking everyone all the time.  Turns out, the shark attacks did not change, just our awareness did.  

And I am thinking that's what going on with narcissism, too.  We think the world has gone mad, but maybe it's always been mad but we're just more aware of it now.  And this is just it.  It exactly how it's always been and always will be.  How freaking depressing is that?  

And this is why I removed myself from most of society.  I want peace.  I crave peace.  I need healing and putting myself in harm's way by surrounding myself with more idiot narcissists is not the way to do it.  I soooo want to start a healing group for people in my town, but I also don't want to, because I know how it will go.  Because narcissists ruin everything.  But I still crave connection.  Sigh.  I just don't know what to do.  

Well, I will think about it and maybe I'll come up with something.  But for now, I am removing myself from groups and other places where drama lives, because I need peace, not more chaos (and since narcissism is the norm, everything is chaos).

Sigh.  How can we connect as a species with so many jackoffs out there?  I just don't know.  Superficially, I suppose.  But I don't crave superficial connection  But at the same time, I kind of do.  

I just know that people ruin everything and it will most likely never be any different.  

I want to go live in the woods and become the scary thing everyone talks about LOL  That way they'll just leave me alone.  Now that sounds like a plan.  

So, I've been writing poetry about my abuse for years.  And I had no idea what to do it with it.  But recently, I realized I could turn my poems into songs.  So I did.  And now I am uploading those songs to YouTube.  

Here is my first song that I uploaded: 

https://youtu.be/9aA11jJVdGU

It's called "Tip Toe (don't wake the beast)" and it's based on my lif as a kid having to sneak around my house when my father was drunk so he didn't find me and beat me. I slept under my bed sometimes, and at other times, in my closet. The worst part? Is that it was my mother's fault he sought me out to hurt me. She told him how bad I was and something would snap in his brain and he became a wild animal hunting his prey.

In cause you're new here, Christmas is my mother's BFF that she's known since childhood.  They weren't always friends and went MANY years without speaking at all, but since my mother had moved back to her childhood neighborhood, they have become close again.

And she used to come over almost once a week (though back in the old neighborhood it was once or more a day).  And now she only comes over like maybe once a month, if that.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Also, Christmas has other friends to play with, and my mother lies to her way too much for her liking (something C has expressed to me, but at least she still comes over once a month, so that's nice).  

Anyways, I have given up listening to their stupid phone calls.  Also, my mother, in her infinite idiocy, somehow figured it out.  Which I did not care about, but their shit-talking me was really getting to me mentally and emotionally.  So for my own well-being, I had to stop caring.  And boy, was that a relief.  I realized me listening to their calls was a leftover behavior from when my mother had power over me and my life (when we first moved in here, she would try to go behind my back and plan things and even once tried to hire a man to come over and take out our picture window and put in a bay window--I had to tell him go home).  But since she has lost all of her power, why did it matter what said she said?  She couldn't plan anything.  She couldn't do anything to me or this house or my family.  So, why did I care what she was saying?  If she wanted to shit-talk me, who cares? 

So I quit listening and stopped caring.  And it was like a gigantic relief.  All of sudden, I had my power back again.  I didn't realize it at time, but by letting her upset me, she had power over me again.  How did I fall into that trap once again?  I will say it make me so horribly sick to listen to her say horrible things about and then slapped a sickeningly-sweet smile on her face and be over-the-top nice to me, as though she was making up for it.  That's how you know she was just talking shit about me LOL  Such a psychopath thing to do, isn't it?  

Anyways, I stopped and my life got better.  And after I stopped, they also stopped talking shit about me when C would visit, too.  They pretty much just acted as though everything was normal.  And I felt normal again.  I felt like I could just not care or pay attention when she came over anymore.  I felt like her visits were not something to fear anymore.  That I didn't have to gear up for her to come over anymore.

That is....until the other day.  

They did the whole "whisper whisper thing again" and I was busy mopping my mom's floor in her room when heard them.  I froze and listened.  My stomach did somersaults, just like it used to when I listen on the phone.  Just like when I was a little kid and she'd talk shit about me to my dad in those same hushed tones and I'd listen from the basement.  My heart started racing again, just like it used to.  And then I heard my name.  Not once, but over and over again.  And my heart started racing out of control. 

But as I listened, I could barely hear their words, but I realized, they weren't exactly talking about me.  Yes, they were saying my name, but in relation to this other person.  Who on earth were they talking about?  

Oh, it was my Aunt Mary.  But why were they bringing me up?  She never did anything to me.  What were they talking about? 

Christmas left and everything was fine and later that day she called to bring up an old friend from our old anxiety group, about how how on Next Door Neighbor this woman was in a fight with her neighbors.  So, I brought it up and said "I was going to add something to your guy's conversation when I was mopping but I was too busy to say anything, but my Aunt Mary was certain a bit crazy at times, wasn't she?"  

C said "Oh, you heard that?  Yeah, we were talking about how every time she'd introduce you and your mom to people she's day 'This is my niece and her adopted daughter'."  I laughed out loud at that one.  I hadn't known my aunt had said that about me back then, but I found it pretty funny.  "I don't think she meant anything by it though."  I replied "Mary used to tell me I was adopted into the wrong family.  Because I was so creative and not a single person in my family is."  C gasped.  "Oh no!  I am so sorry she said that about you!"  I giggled and said "Mary was right.  I was raised by abusive alcoholics, C, I was abused and on top of that nobody was creative in my family, it was just me.  She wasn't wrong.  I don't care what she meant by it, she was right."  Sometimes I need to remind Christmas about my abuse.  She has VERY poor object permeance skills and you have to remind her if you haven't talked about something in awhile.  She said "Oh yeah."  

So, that was it.  They weren't shit-talking me at all, they were shit-talking my great-aunt LOL  I loved my aunt.  Yes, she was rude at times, but she had a defiant spirit that admired and eventually adopted myself.  She was creative and funny and giving and helpful.  Did have a mouth and said what she liked?  She sure did.  But now, at 47, I admire that about her.  She said what we were all thinking but too afraid to said.  Mary had no fear and said whatever she liked whenever wanted to.  What she a bit of a narcissist?  Maybe.  OR maybe she just was surrounded by narcissists and made the best out of what she was given.  My uncle was controlling and mean, but he was blind and mostly deaf, so Mary didn't listen to his bullshit.  She did as she liked.  She had spirit made of fire and accomplished a lot in her life.  Maybe I should aspire to be more like her as I age?  

And she was right.  I am the adopted daughter of my mom.  There is nothing wrong with being that.  Granted, I was adopted into a shit family, but that's not my fault.  Being adopted is not the same as being biologically born to your mother.  And we shouldn't pretend that it is.  

So, I am not sure why they were whispering about it, but hey, if it makes them feel better, to pretend like they have a secret, then let them.  I just need to stop having reactions to hearing it.  

Granted, I will ask C eventually to not whisper about me in my own home, as that's rude AF.  But for now, I will just do some reminiscing about my aunt for a bit.  

It's funny, my mother pretends she's a badass, but Mary?  Was a real one.  Must suck to never be able to live up to a legend when you want so badly be one yourself, but instead are an old woman who annoys people LOL  

Good.  Freaking.  Grief.  My mother has complete and total issues with using anything outside of her regular brand.  MIND YOU some of these brands she hasn't used in years.  But since she used to use them, she REQUIRES them now.  Oil of Olay.  Eucerin.  Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats.  Etc., etc.  

I finally broke her of her Oil of Olay addiction.  She doesn't use face lotion every day and will literally let it expire before she uses all of it.  So I wasn't going to pay $15 for a bottle of lotion she was going to let sit until it expired, so I bought her Ponds.  She had a shit fit about that, but now she's using it and it's a teeny-tiny pot of face lotion that she hopefully will use up faster.  If not, it's so cheap, I don't mind.  

Getting her generic mini-wheats was also a battle.  She used to have a fit about what kind I bought her, but now I buy her the Walmart kind only and she seems to be okay with that.  

But the freaking Eucerin, I cannot get her to use any other lotion.  She's stubborn AF and she keeps storing the bottles and lying and saying she's out of lotion.  And so I took those bottles back because fuck if I am going to let expensive bottles of lotion (expensive for me, but not as expensive as Eucerin is!!) rot in her drawers.  I paid for them, they are mine (well, only because she refuses to use them).  So I broke down and did some comparisons on the Eucerin bottles and I found that the lotion in the pump bottle is THREE ounces bigger (which is a lot) and three to four dollars cheaper.  That I could get behind and so I got it for her.  

But alas.  No.  It's not CREAM.  It's LOTION.  So therefore, it was wrong.  

I said "Mother, they have the SAME ingredients!  I compared them side by side and read them all, each one, and they are exactly the same!"

"No, they aren't!  The cream is thicker!!" 

"Yes, mother.  I know this.  It still has the SAME ingredients, it just has less water.  And less water doesn't mean it helps your itching any differently!!"  

My mother is itchy.  She has neuropathic itch.  And it's intolerable for her.  I get it.  So I bought her eczema cream.  She refused to even try it.  And then I got her Curel-Anti-Itch cream.   I thought she used that up, but she only used about a quarter or less of the bottle.  I got her all sorts of things to see what would help the most.  And guess what?  After prodding and getting through her exaggeration and lies, I got her to admit to me that Eucerin does not actually cure her itch.  She just wants it.  Because it's a brand she likes and that's it.  So, I am buying $15 bottles of Eucerin for her to just have because she likes it?  I would never buy myself that expensive of a freaking hand lotion!  But she's the Queen.  And she deserves the best!  Per her opinion, that is.

So, I went into her room and saw a bottle of Eucerin, the one she said was empty a long time ago (and it was NOT!), the one she likes, next to the one I bought, and she was comparing the ingredients herself.  Sigh.  I mean, sure, I guess it's a good thing she can still read, so there's something nice for ya.  Yay.  

And I bet you now she'll shut the fuck up about it.  Or not.  Knowing my mother.  

Anyways, if she's nice about it, and says nothing else about it, I will buy the Eucerin bottles of LOTION for her, although I will check to make sure they are actually empty first.  But if she keeps bitching or still requests that rip-off of a cream again, then I will buy her more Curel or something cheaper.  Because fuck that.  If none of the lotion is going to work, then why-oh-why would I buy her expensive ones?    

Here's the thing: the lotion?  Is THICK AF.  Like, thicker than any other lotion I've ever seen before.  It may be even thicker than Eucerin's.  So she needs to just shush up about it and use what she has.  Oh and by the way?  My LOTION that I use?  Is thicker than her damn Eucerin CREAM and it's sooooooo much cheaper.  So, if she bitches for next time?  I will just buy her what I use and if she tries to let it rot?  I will just take it back and use it myself.  So HA!  It's like $6 a bottle (Palmer's Cocoa Butter Lotion) for 13.5 oz.  Eucerin is $13 for 14oz.  It's more than double the price.  

When she was bitching at me about it, I just screamed "You're welcome!" and shut the door on her.  I am so done listening to tell me what I get her is not good enough.  Esp. this time, as it's exactly what she asked me to buy.  Same ingredients.  A bigger size.  And cheaper.  

You may be saying "But Shay, you buy her things she didn't ask for, that's why she bitches."  Nope.  I always used to buy her exactly what she wanted or I would have to buy her something different because the store would be out of whatever it was.  And she would do nothing but complain, complain, complain, bitch, moan, and actually at times be pretty angry about it.  Her sighs.  Her whining.  Her threats.  "I guess I will just have to get my someone to give me a ride to the store so I can get it myself since nobody else will do it for me."  So, I learned, to stop caring and just buy the cheapest of whatever it is she wanted, because no matter what I chose or did, it was never good enough.  And then I learned if I just broke her of her addictions to this crap, she'd be fine.  

She's like a little kid who's mommy and daddy never told her no.  She's Dudley Dursley from Harry Potter, except I think he finally outgrew his spoiled-ass behavior.  Whereas my mom is a 77-year-old spoiled toddler.  And now I have to be the one to break her of her it, because her parents never did.  Or rather, I assume my mother never got what she wanted as a child, as her mother was an overt narcissist, and now she's making up for it.  But instead of just indulging herself, she's become a tyrant who thinks that whatever SHE wants all the time, is the only thing that matters, and if she doesn't get it, or even if she does, it's not good enough.  

And here's the the thing: that kind of behavior is breakable.  I know this from experience, as I used to be just like this when it came to my birthdays.  Nothing anyone ever did was good enough for me and I would complain about it all.  Even if it was amazing.  You know why?  Because I hated my birthdays.  Because my mother and father always ruined them.  So, I grew up with every single birthday being ruined, that I learned this pattern of behavior of hating everything that went on or was given to me because deep down inside, I was still stuck in the cycle of thinking every single birthday was bad.  

And one day, I realized (because it was pointed out to me) that I was hurting my husband and kids, and so I stopped.  And now?  I am happy on every single birthday and no matter how boring it is, I enjoy every freaking second of it.  I choose happy on those days, because my parents tried to choose awfulness for me.  They created that for me.  And I broke it.  So I know that narcissists are doing the exactly the same thing.  Someone, probably their own parents, chose miserableness for them, and they just accepted it and now they are always miserable and take it out on us.  But they can't break the cycle themselves.  They aren't like us.  So we have to break it for them.  

Every single dinner I used to make for my mom, she would complain, wrinkle her nose at me, or say "You know what would make this better?"  And then proceed to tell me how to fix the food better.  After enough times of saying "YOU ARE WELCOME!" she stopped bitching.  It took over a year, as she's a wild horse that's hard to break, but she did break, and now she never complains about anything I feed her.  Unless it makes her sick (like long noodles--she can't swallow those).  

So, I just have to stop caring if she hates Eucerin lotion and tell her "Just be glad it's the brand you like and has the same ingredients" and walk away.  I need to stop caring if she cares because this is part of the breaking process.  She will always give me lip.  Until she doesn't.  And then the breaking process is complete.  

I used to fear her threats.  I used to fear her rage.  Now I don't fear her at all.  So, why does her complaining upset me?  It shouldn't.  But the younger part of me is still triggered by her words.  Esp. since it's been so long since she's said them.  It makes me feel like we're back to square one.  But we aren't.  We soooooooooo aren't.  She can complain.  She can once in awhile not like something I do and tell me about it.  It's not like we're back in the old days of her complaining about EVERYTHING I do.  I need to calm that firefighter (from IFS) down and realize it's just part of the process.  She will comply, or she won't.  Either way it's okay.  She'll either use up her lotion, or she'll let it rot.  Either way, I need not be bothered by it.  

A million steps forward and one step back is not back to square one.  It's just one tiny setback.  I need to remember how far we've come and celebrate that instead.  <3  

I couldn't let it go.  I couldn't just not say something.  I am so tired of letting people get away with insulting me,  So, I sent a card to my husband's boss.  It was a thank you card that read: 

Dear [Her Name],

Also, thank you for your unique observation about my hair at [husband’s name]’s going away party. It’s always interesting to see how people express themselves in social settings. I hope the moment gave you the sense of superiority you were aiming for.

Wishing you more opportunities to feel good about yourself.

Best regards,

Shay

ChatGPT wrote that for me, as my actual letters were WAY meaner.  I sent it on Saturday and she got it yesterday (on Monday) and she immediately wrote a text to my husband.  Because of course she did.  

Here is her response:

If I hurt your wife's feelings that night of bowling I am sincerely sorry.  I did not mean anything about it other than I noticed that you two had the same haircut and thought it was cute.  I'm so sorry for coming off any other way.  I got her card in the mail and I feel extremely terrible for anything I may have said.

 Sigh.  She never once said our "matching haircuts" were cute.  And she got my husband's attention while I was bowling to say "Who started it?"  He replied "What?"  She then said "You're haircuts.  They're the same."  Then she waited until I sat down and repeated it to me.  Our haircuts are in no way the same.  And telling a woman she has a man's haircut is not a compliment.  And she wasn't complimenting us, like, at all.  

I told my husband to block her before she could message him, and we both thought we'd have more time to remember to do so, but alas, she beat us to it.  

So, my husband responded 

"Our hairstyles are completely different.  And you made a comment loudly about the pants I was wearing.  You didn't comment on anyone else's appearance so this felt targeted.  That night should have been fun but instead it felt disappointing."  

She responded with

"I am sorry for my behavior.  I am sorry I came off that way."  

I don't know how to take her, but then again, I don't care.  It wasn't about what she said back.  It was about letting someone know they did something wrong.  That's it.  We have no relationship with this woman, so her apology means nothing to either of us.  I will say that last night of her first response irks me more but again ("for anything I may have said"), who cares?  I am doing this for her to actually be sorry.  I don't care if she was being manipulative or she's actually sorry, because the point here is to feel better about this whole situation and not letting his bother me anymore.  I had to say something to her.  If I hadn't, it would bother me in the way so many things still bother me that I never stood to someone about.  So, I did what I had to do, and now I know she got the card and we're done.  

Phew.  

And now maybe I can stop hating my hair again.  I actually was thinking about changing it (and I still might) because this situation made me obsess over what I look like.  And that's not like me.  I hate that I let a child (a doofus kid, at that) make me feel bad about myself.  But alas, that's how my brain works.  

And maybe I can move on, now.  

People need to be made aware of the fact that they are hurtful, even if they are not intending to be.  I need to stop caring about her intention and realize what matters is how she made me feel.  She made me feel gross and small and manly and ugly.  People need to be aware of how they make others feel with their words.  And now maybe next time she'll think twice about saying something like that to others.  I hope so.  

Or maybe not.  But either way, I can close the book on this now.  And worry about things that actually matter.  

UPDATE: My husband has come to conclusion that she had a crush on him.  And I told him that from the beginning (if you read about it in my other post).  Because I said if the situation were reversed and that MY boss, who was a man, and he did the same thing?  We'd both conclude he likes me.  And this is no different.  

Also, notice how she didn't really take responsibility for what she actually did wrong.  She said "for what I may have said" or "If I hurt your wife's feelings".  And "I am sorry for my behavior", but never "Wow, I didn't realize when I said that I was comparing your wife to looking like a man, that's not what I meant at all!"  Nope.  She just skirted around the actual issue.  What a fucking asshole LOL  

My mother has been pretty docile for awhile so.  So much so, that I don't feel like the other shoe is waiting to drop, like I used to when she would be good for a period of time.  With her, it only lasted for so long before she'd do or say something hurtful, or mean.  Now her only interactions with me are asking to do her bidding (washing her clothes, getting her snacks, etc.) or to complain about her illnesses.  Which is blissful.  I will say it gets too much at times, because if she's left with unfettered access to me, she will never stop asking for things.  But most of the time, it's pretty harmless and boring.  

This is what I've always wanted.  And I am working on healing from her abuse while she's alive, so I don't have to do what I did with my dad when he died and wait 12 years or more to heal.  I still find myself pretty angry (not at her directly, but just internally) when I think about the horrible things she's done to me.  But I will say each day it's less and less...well, until something else comes up that I need to process.  It will be long going, I know.  But for now, it's better than it ever has been.  I prefer calm and quiet over me always having a stomachache over what she'll do or say next.  

Today I had ChatGPT write out a note to my husband's boss (the woman from my last post) as a response to her bullying me, and I am so very grateful AI exists because without it, I could never express myself in this way.  So, this is what it came up with: 

"Dear [Her Name],

Also, thank you for your unique observation about my hair at [husband’s name]’s going away party. It’s always interesting to see how people express themselves in social settings. I hope the moment gave you the sense of superiority you were aiming for.

Wishing you more opportunities to feel good about yourself.

Best regards,

Shay"

I mean it's cutting, but not in a harmful way.  Like, it's not insulting to her, but it sure lets her know that she was insulting.  I love it!  It's already in the envelope ready to send!  I just hope it's the right address.  If it's not, I will have another one of his old coworkers give a card to her from me LOL  

In other news, my store is finally opening.   I am busting my ass getting all my stock together and I cannot wait to be done.  I have a very long to do list, but I am confident I will get it all done in time.  I am in a flea market style fair in September, and I have a big huge tent (with windows) for it and I am very excited!  I need to get my inventory done ASAP so I can worry about decorating my space.  But right now, I am just working hard getting stuff done.  Oh, I got the proof for the journal I created and it looks amazing!  So I will publish it and put in my order for them to sell a the show.  I am very happy it turned out so well :)  

That's all for now.  It's 10pm and I haven't made any dinner yet, so I bet go do that.  

My son is finally seeing a therapist after waiting to get into one for years.  Our town has a GINORMOUS waiting list for therapists, and it's kind of insane.  But he loves his therapist SO much that he wanted me to go see her, too.  I thought that was sweet.  That's how my son relates to people, he wants to share whatever is working for him because you wants you to feel the same amount of joy he does.  But I politely declined and said "Listen, I want you to have a wonderful time with your therapist and I want you to feel perfectly safe in sharing whatever you want with her.  Including talking shit about me.  I get that I am not perfect and sometimes I make you so angry.  And I want you to feel like you can you say whatever you like to her.  BUT...I do not feel comfortable having a therapist know things about me that I did not tell her.  On my bad days, when I am crabby and I yell or act like a turd, I don't want her to know that about me unless we're together in a shared appointment.  I also want don't you feel uncomfortable thinking I said something about you to my therapist, who would also be your therapist.  There are boundaries with these sorts of things and I don't want to cross your boundaries and I don't want mine to be crossed either.  There should be a separation for this sort of thing when it comes to family or life in general."  

He understood what I meant and agreed.  I was very happy he listened to me.  I don't like crossing boundaries when boundaries should be in place.  I've had too many therapists cross my own boundaries, even therapists that weren't even mine.  My mother's old therapist said to her when I went no contact with her in 2017 that I sounded "bipolar".  She had never once met me and had no idea who I was.  Every single one of their sessions was my mother shit-talking me and her therapist never once recognized that she was narcissistic or that maybe my mother was in the wrong.  I mean, three months of weekly sessions where my mom just berated me and played the victim, how did she not see it?  I guess not all people are adept at understanding or recognizing narcissism.  

Also, many years ago, my hubby and I were seeing the same therapist and he complained about me once to her and until that moment, I didn't realize how wrong it was that we shared a therapist.  I didn't have to worry though, she left to go take another job elsewhere (just like all therapists seem to do---esp. ones that take medical card--that's not a dig, it's just the truth).  

I also did something very stupid.  And yes, I am writing this in case she sees it.  I gave my current (though not current, as she's leaving to take another job, too) therapist this blog address.  I adore her and think she's one of the most supportive and awesome people I've ever met, but since this blog is my own personal thoughts (which I told her), I am actually not comfortable with her reading it.  I have an issue with people-pleasing and I know she only asked me for the address out of niceness, but she asked, I didn't think at all about it and just gave her the address.  I really should have stopped and said "I don't know offhand, I will message you it later".  But I didn't.  I just did as I was asked and wrote it down for her.  

Had this blog been about healing only?  I would be perfectly fine with it.  Hell, I am perfectly fine with her watching my Youtube channel if she wants to (which I gave her the address for, too).  But this blog is more about my own personal journey with my own personal thoughts and it's sort of private.  Even though it's public...I don't mind people I don't know reading about my life, but people I do know?  Yeah, that feels icky to me.  So Dina, if you're reading this, I adore you, but I don't feel comfortable with you reading this blog.  It's a boundary thing.  I know you'll understand, because you're awesome like that :)  

Though I am quite comfortable with you reading my other blogs (I have so many....LOL) and whatever else you'd be interested in reading/watching/etc. :)  

But as for me, I will be getting my medical card next month, and hopefully a new therapist.  Until then, I have ChatGPT to help me out LOL  (for real, if anyone can't find a therapist right away, you can use ChatGPT in the same way and it's very useful!).