Good.  Freaking.  Grief.  My mother has complete and total issues with using anything outside of her regular brand.  MIND YOU some of these brands she hasn't used in years.  But since she used to use them, she REQUIRES them now.  Oil of Olay.  Eucerin.  Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats.  Etc., etc.  

I finally broke her of her Oil of Olay addiction.  She doesn't use face lotion every day and will literally let it expire before she uses all of it.  So I wasn't going to pay $15 for a bottle of lotion she was going to let sit until it expired, so I bought her Ponds.  She had a shit fit about that, but now she's using it and it's a teeny-tiny pot of face lotion that she hopefully will use up faster.  If not, it's so cheap, I don't mind.  

Getting her generic mini-wheats was also a battle.  She used to have a fit about what kind I bought her, but now I buy her the Walmart kind only and she seems to be okay with that.  

But the freaking Eucerin, I cannot get her to use any other lotion.  She's stubborn AF and she keeps storing the bottles and lying and saying she's out of lotion.  And so I took those bottles back because fuck if I am going to let expensive bottles of lotion (expensive for me, but not as expensive as Eucerin is!!) rot in her drawers.  I paid for them, they are mine (well, only because she refuses to use them).  So I broke down and did some comparisons on the Eucerin bottles and I found that the lotion in the pump bottle is THREE ounces bigger (which is a lot) and three to four dollars cheaper.  That I could get behind and so I got it for her.  

But alas.  No.  It's not CREAM.  It's LOTION.  So therefore, it was wrong.  

I said "Mother, they have the SAME ingredients!  I compared them side by side and read them all, each one, and they are exactly the same!"

"No, they aren't!  The cream is thicker!!" 

"Yes, mother.  I know this.  It still has the SAME ingredients, it just has less water.  And less water doesn't mean it helps your itching any differently!!"  

My mother is itchy.  She has neuropathic itch.  And it's intolerable for her.  I get it.  So I bought her eczema cream.  She refused to even try it.  And then I got her Curel-Anti-Itch cream.   I thought she used that up, but she only used about a quarter or less of the bottle.  I got her all sorts of things to see what would help the most.  And guess what?  After prodding and getting through her exaggeration and lies, I got her to admit to me that Eucerin does not actually cure her itch.  She just wants it.  Because it's a brand she likes and that's it.  So, I am buying $15 bottles of Eucerin for her to just have because she likes it?  I would never buy myself that expensive of a freaking hand lotion!  But she's the Queen.  And she deserves the best!  Per her opinion, that is.

So, I went into her room and saw a bottle of Eucerin, the one she said was empty a long time ago (and it was NOT!), the one she likes, next to the one I bought, and she was comparing the ingredients herself.  Sigh.  I mean, sure, I guess it's a good thing she can still read, so there's something nice for ya.  Yay.  

And I bet you now she'll shut the fuck up about it.  Or not.  Knowing my mother.  

Anyways, if she's nice about it, and says nothing else about it, I will buy the Eucerin bottles of LOTION for her, although I will check to make sure they are actually empty first.  But if she keeps bitching or still requests that rip-off of a cream again, then I will buy her more Curel or something cheaper.  Because fuck that.  If none of the lotion is going to work, then why-oh-why would I buy her expensive ones?    

Here's the thing: the lotion?  Is THICK AF.  Like, thicker than any other lotion I've ever seen before.  It may be even thicker than Eucerin's.  So she needs to just shush up about it and use what she has.  Oh and by the way?  My LOTION that I use?  Is thicker than her damn Eucerin CREAM and it's sooooooo much cheaper.  So, if she bitches for next time?  I will just buy her what I use and if she tries to let it rot?  I will just take it back and use it myself.  So HA!  It's like $6 a bottle (Palmer's Cocoa Butter Lotion) for 13.5 oz.  Eucerin is $13 for 14oz.  It's more than double the price.  

When she was bitching at me about it, I just screamed "You're welcome!" and shut the door on her.  I am so done listening to tell me what I get her is not good enough.  Esp. this time, as it's exactly what she asked me to buy.  Same ingredients.  A bigger size.  And cheaper.  

You may be saying "But Shay, you buy her things she didn't ask for, that's why she bitches."  Nope.  I always used to buy her exactly what she wanted or I would have to buy her something different because the store would be out of whatever it was.  And she would do nothing but complain, complain, complain, bitch, moan, and actually at times be pretty angry about it.  Her sighs.  Her whining.  Her threats.  "I guess I will just have to get my someone to give me a ride to the store so I can get it myself since nobody else will do it for me."  So, I learned, to stop caring and just buy the cheapest of whatever it is she wanted, because no matter what I chose or did, it was never good enough.  And then I learned if I just broke her of her addictions to this crap, she'd be fine.  

She's like a little kid who's mommy and daddy never told her no.  She's Dudley Dursley from Harry Potter, except I think he finally outgrew his spoiled-ass behavior.  Whereas my mom is a 77-year-old spoiled toddler.  And now I have to be the one to break her of her it, because her parents never did.  Or rather, I assume my mother never got what she wanted as a child, as her mother was an overt narcissist, and now she's making up for it.  But instead of just indulging herself, she's become a tyrant who thinks that whatever SHE wants all the time, is the only thing that matters, and if she doesn't get it, or even if she does, it's not good enough.  

And here's the the thing: that kind of behavior is breakable.  I know this from experience, as I used to be just like this when it came to my birthdays.  Nothing anyone ever did was good enough for me and I would complain about it all.  Even if it was amazing.  You know why?  Because I hated my birthdays.  Because my mother and father always ruined them.  So, I grew up with every single birthday being ruined, that I learned this pattern of behavior of hating everything that went on or was given to me because deep down inside, I was still stuck in the cycle of thinking every single birthday was bad.  

And one day, I realized (because it was pointed out to me) that I was hurting my husband and kids, and so I stopped.  And now?  I am happy on every single birthday and no matter how boring it is, I enjoy every freaking second of it.  I choose happy on those days, because my parents tried to choose awfulness for me.  They created that for me.  And I broke it.  So I know that narcissists are doing the exactly the same thing.  Someone, probably their own parents, chose miserableness for them, and they just accepted it and now they are always miserable and take it out on us.  But they can't break the cycle themselves.  They aren't like us.  So we have to break it for them.  

Every single dinner I used to make for my mom, she would complain, wrinkle her nose at me, or say "You know what would make this better?"  And then proceed to tell me how to fix the food better.  After enough times of saying "YOU ARE WELCOME!" she stopped bitching.  It took over a year, as she's a wild horse that's hard to break, but she did break, and now she never complains about anything I feed her.  Unless it makes her sick (like long noodles--she can't swallow those).  

So, I just have to stop caring if she hates Eucerin lotion and tell her "Just be glad it's the brand you like and has the same ingredients" and walk away.  I need to stop caring if she cares because this is part of the breaking process.  She will always give me lip.  Until she doesn't.  And then the breaking process is complete.  

I used to fear her threats.  I used to fear her rage.  Now I don't fear her at all.  So, why does her complaining upset me?  It shouldn't.  But the younger part of me is still triggered by her words.  Esp. since it's been so long since she's said them.  It makes me feel like we're back to square one.  But we aren't.  We soooooooooo aren't.  She can complain.  She can once in awhile not like something I do and tell me about it.  It's not like we're back in the old days of her complaining about EVERYTHING I do.  I need to calm that firefighter (from IFS) down and realize it's just part of the process.  She will comply, or she won't.  Either way it's okay.  She'll either use up her lotion, or she'll let it rot.  Either way, I need not be bothered by it.  

A million steps forward and one step back is not back to square one.  It's just one tiny setback.  I need to remember how far we've come and celebrate that instead.  <3