So I did it.  I got the nerve to ask for a new therapist.  And I got one.  And, well....

Yeah.  We'll see how this goes.  I am going to give her a chance.  But I get diarrhea of the mouth when I feel awkward or nervous and today I ran my mouth like crazy, while she sat there and watched.  

Here's the thing: she doesn't use facial expressions.  So I had no idea what she was feeling or thinking the whole time, which made me nervous as fuck.  So I ran my mouth.  She also kept watching my hands, because when I get this way, I talk with my hands.  And she kept making me feel like I was doing something wrong by staring at my hands while I spoke.  So I kept putting them in my lap.  

I don't know.  The last one talked too much about herself, this one doesn't really talk at all.  

Sigh.  

Why does this have to be so hard?  I am trying very hard not to obsess over this, but I am.  Ugh.  

I am just going to show up and see what happens.  

Also, she said she wants me to tell her when she's doing something I don't like and wanted to know if the other one I switched from told me to do the same thing.  I said no, she was too busy talking about herself LOL  But then she went on to say how much people don't like constructive criticism, so I got mixed signals there.  So, does she want me to tell her, even though she won't like it?  I found that weird.  

Anyways, she's not mean or anything.  So that's nice.  She's just VERY hard to read, which makes me nervous.  

And she kept looking at her watch.  

So the mixture of her looking at her watch a few times (she should have had a clock in the room), not really speaking to me, no emotions on her face at all, her staring at my hands when I spoke (not the whole time, but every time I did it her eyes would drift to my hands, which caused me to shove them in my lap), and her being more than a bit awkward with me, well it made me horribly self-conscious and now I can't stop thinking she found me annoying.  I mean, I get it.  I am annoying.  I guess. I've been told that my whole life.  But I don't like being reminded of it.  Esp. not by someone who's supposed to help me. 

Granted, she did seem super awkward when we started, so maybe she's just nervous?  That very well could be.  Though, I tend to think she found me tedious because at the end I said "I need to apologize, I have ADHD and sometimes I run my mouth."  And she didn't even respond or say I was fine or that it wasn't a big deal. Instead, she just made me a new appointment.  Which felt so freaking horrible in the moment.  I mean, all of this could be her own issues and may have had nothing to do with me, but still, how can she help me feel better if I feel worse when I leave her office?

I don't know.  I just need to go do something else for a bit and not think about it, because my RSD is kicking in and I feel pretty low right now.  I will go back, if I feel this bad every time I leave her office, I don't think it would be good for my mental health to keep seeing her (which may or may not be any fault of her own).  And if that's the case, I will just be done.  I guess I am not meant for therapy.  

I have never had a therapist make me cry before.  Or had one that made me feel so self-conscious.  I guess there is a first for everything.  

I sure wish more people like me were therapists.  Ones with empathy.  Ones with real tools.  Ones with an open heart and mind and soul.  Friendly ones.  Friendly and effective.  I am too friendly and too ADHD to be an effective therapist myself.  This I know.  But I sure wish more had personalities like mine.  

Sigh.  

I really hate change.  I really hate this uncomfortable annoying space we find ourselves when we lose something we're used to, like a doctor or a therapist or whatever.  You finally find one you can tolerate and bam, they are gone, and now you're in limbo, trying out all the other ones until you find the right one.  I will say I finally found the right OBGYN, so that makes me happy <3  I just hope she stays.  

Okay, I need go through my library books now so I can bring them back.