I found my first best friend.  Again.  I've looked her up many times in my life.   I've always wanted to contact her, but I don't know what to say.  I know she's most likely a narcissist.  Maybe not.  I had my best friend's daughter pegged for one, and she turned out to be a really wonderful adult.  Same goes for my kids' oldest stepsister.  She used to be horrible but grew up sweet and kind.  But there was something different about Tricia.  That's her real name.  I have no reason to hide it.  Granted, if I compared her to my best friend's daughter, I couldn't say they were that much different.  But then again, my BFF's daughter didn't hurt people for fun.   I was like 4 when I met her, but I knew her for many years, and that's my memory over 40 year later.  

I remember being in an argument with her and her reaching out and shoving me into a rosebush.  And I was stuck and screaming and my mom came out and Tricia followed us indoors into the bathroom, and I was so angry at her I just wanted her to leave.  But she just stood there, watching my mother washing all the blood off my body.  I don't remember her being sorry.  I don't remember her saying anything at all.  She just watched.  Granted, my memory could be wrong, but this stood out, just like the time she decided to poop in my front yard (so gross-kids are ick).  She also used to get the other kids to throw rocks at me when she was mad at me, or stick sticks into the spokes of my bike wheels when I would be riding home away from them in tears because they were being mean to me.  Tricia was my bully.  And my best friend.  

I also remember her and the boy I liked (who happened to be her boyfriend) being overly sexual with one another.  Which led to her being overly sexual with me, which led me to being overly sexual with other children we hung out with.  I didn't know it was wrong.  I don't know who started it, whether it was her or the boy I liked, but either way, one of them had to have been molested or shown something they shouldn't have seen, on a regular basis.  Which then led both of them to being overly sexual when we were all together.  

This affected my life greatly, as a kid.  Nobody ever asked me where I learned that stuff or why I did and said the things I did, I just got into trouble.  A lot.  And today?  Not a single kid from my childhood has sought me out as an adult.  And I really wonder why.  I can only assume it's because they thought I was a total weirdo as a kid and did weirdo things.  Granted, as I aged, those things got less and less, thank goodness, but what Tricia had taught me as a kid really affected my life back then.  And the lives of our friends.  

And I wanted to write to her about it.  But what on earth would I say?  "Hey I remember you were a total spoiled brat and taught me inappropriate things that messed up my life as a kid."  And if I am wrong about her, and she's not a narcissist, maybe, just maybe, we could get to the bottom of what was being taught to either her or I and we could finally put that chapter of our lives to rest.  But I don't think I am wrong about her.  So what will it do then?  Absolutely nothing.  Also, it may bring her to retaliate against me.  So, what's the point?  Thinking we'd figure things out is also a long shot, most likely her answer would be "I don't remember".  Or she'd blame me, even though she was older than me and I know I learned all about certain things from her.  

Instead, I think I want to put her chapter to rest.  I need to let her go.  I need to expunge her from my past and my soul.  I need to allow all the horrible things she did to me, and that she got others to do to me, to not be erased, but to be forgiven.  I could say she was just a child, but I was also just a child.  And I didn't deserve the things she did to me.  And I didn't do those things to her.  I did not bully her.  I did not hurt her in any way.  I looked up to her and thought she was my best friend.  But she used that against me and because of that, I followed a cycle of letting horrible people do horrible things to me from then on.  She was my first real friend in life.  And she showed me what friendship was.  And from then on, I either had friends who abused me, or I became a friend to those who I saw as weaker then me and bossed them around, the way she did me.  I didn't abuse them, but I did hurt them.  I never learned to do better until I was in my 30's.  

I think I now know what to write to her.  I was confused before.  I didn't know what I would say.  But just like my old neighbor Ray, who was a priest and touched me inappropriately under the Christmas table at his sister's house in 2016 or so, and the man I used to babysit for over 30 years ago, I wrote them a letter, said what they did, and let it go.  I now have to write to Tricia.  And I will let her go.  

There are other people I could write to.  But I tend to either run into them, or they can find me online or may know where I live.  So, I will leave them all alone until my family moves.  This December, which is the month of letting go for me, as I sent my last two letters in December two years ago, will be about my first real friend, Tricia A.  The little girl with stark blonde hair who treated me like total trash as a kid.  I need to find a way to forgive her and move on.  Sending her a letter would be good, but I need to be careful, as her old BFF, a mutual friend of ours growing up, knows how to find me.  But I can just block her if I have to.  Tricia is a narcissist.  That much I remember.  But her old BFF is not, but she is a flying monkey of hers.  So that's similar.  I just hope I don't run into her anywhere.  But if I do, I will say "Listen, what happened between me and Tricia as kids is between us, you weren't there, you don't know.  This is none of your business."  And I will walk away (or block her on social media).  

Thinking about sending her a letter hurts my stomach.  But I know I need to do it, though I also don't want to be on this woman's radar, which I haven't been for most of my life.  But I can send a letter that's short and to the point, and not signed, but she will know exactly who it is.  

Okay, I think I will work on my letter today.  I will say sending a letter to my hubby's boss who had a crush on him and then insulted me at his going away party for work was the right thing to do, but what I wrote was NOT the right thing to write, as it didn't convey exactly how I felt.  It was too nice.  So I need to remember that this time.  Not to be mean, but to convey exactly what I want to say, but at the same time imagine her reading it and laughing at me, so I have to be careful not to completely humiliate myself.  Also, I don't know what she's capable of as a narcissistic adult, so I also need to be careful.  

Okay, off to go plan my letter.