Well, she's done it.  My husband had had enough of her shit and finally told her to stop.  

Okay, so my oldest son today was talking about how my mother's been putting her hands on him.  In like weirder and weirder ways.  And she's always done that to my husband.  I took my son and put him to our sink and said "This is what she does to Mr. Brooks" and proceeded to walk up behind him and place my hand on the small of his back.  He shuddered and said "God, that's rapey!  That's exactly what narcissists do, they put their hands on you without permission and keep doing it because they think they have a right to do so."  I said "I know, right??  She thinks she can touch whoever she likes, whenever she likes.  So only doesn't touch me because she tried to hit me in the back of the head several times, and I grabbed her arm forcefully and growled at her and said "DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH ME, OR ANYONE ELSE LIKE THIS AGAIN!"  She had a thing for smacking people in the back of the head.  And if you told her to stop, she'd ramp up her efforts and do it 2-3 more times, just to show you she can.  

Well, she's been hobbling her old ass in my son's room, without knocking, and I put a sign up on his door telling her to never enter without permission.  It was the last time she came into his room that she touched him on his shoulders in a weird way, which was when he had HIS final straw.  

So, I told my husband about it and said "Listen, I can tell her all day every day not to touch you guys, but you know she will not listen to me and she will think she can do it when I am not in the room.  YOU have to be the one to say something.  You need to say something like "Please don't touch me, I don't like that" or "AAAHHH!!" and scream and run away."  He agreed that next time he should say something.  I think I put it in perspective when I said "Listen, what if we were living with your crazy parents and your dad touched me like that?  Do you think I should let him do it?"  We both shuddered at that idea.  And I said it would be pervy and if that is pervy, then my mother doing it to him was pervy, too. 

So, a few hours later, after our conversation, she came up to us after eating and started rubbing on my husband's back in sensual way and WOULD NOT STOP.  I didn't know she was even doing it, as I was cooking.  So he said, quite forcefully I might add, "You need to stop that.  I DO NOT LIKE BEING TOUCHED."  I had to hold in my laughter.  She looked as though he had slapped her in the face! HAHHAHAHA!   She said "Oh, sorry" and walked off to her room without a word.  But the minute she turned the corner, I burst out silent laughing LOL  I couldn't help myself.  FINALLY!!  Someone stood up the old beast and she was put in her place with her inappropriate touching!!  My son will get to the point of breaking, too, but today, was just a good day for vindication.  Oh wait, I have one more post about yesterday.  I will post it tomorrow.  Another vindication.  And old wound was healed a little bit more.  Well, rehealed.  As it was something I had already done, but go to redo again.  

And like I said, tonight?  She gets three cigarettes from now on.  And I hope she does it without a fight.  

Mother did not get the Christmas she wanted or imagined, so she's punishing me by not obeying house rules...again.  We JUST had this issues a month ago, and now she's doing it again, because she's feeling saucy.  

So, this particular rule is called "The Compartmentalized Cat Rule" (I just named it that) and it states in the bylaws that two particular cats shall remain in the custody of my mother's room, at all times, except for special circumstances.  And those special circumstances are as follows:  

• Cat #1 (17 years old) has issues pissing on things.  She is NOT allowed outside of the room without my mother being there and letting her straight outside.  Then the cat comes back in and goes straight back to my mother's room, all under supervision.  My mother AGREED to this.  Verbally.  
• And Cat #2 (5 or 6 years old) is my dog's nemesis.  He used to literally chase my dog down and bite and scratch him, like a bully.  WELL, the cat got attacked by a coyote (or something around here) and hasn't left the house since.  Good thing, because that dumbass was always getting hurt and I told my mother that if he goes outside again, he will be gone.  Like, I will take him to the pound myself, as we cannot afford to keep taking his gigantic stupid damn ass to the vet.  Well, a coyote did it for us.  And now he won't leave.  And because of this, the cat's personality has changed from being a total bully to a docile doofus.  But the dog, who, at first, took the cat's shit but eventually learned to fight back, which then morphed into RAGE against the cat every tine he saw him.  Like, my dog would attack the cat.  So, the cat is only allowed to leave the room at night when my dog is sleeping, which he does, with the rest of her cats.  

Read that: her cats are allowed to leave her room, with her bedroom door open, in the middle of the early morning (as my mom gets up at 4 am every single day), so all the cats can come out and play.  My dog is sleeping, so it's fine.  We also know to look for the cats if he wants to go outside at that time of day.  

But today, Cat #1 (the 17 year old) is out in the kitchen, and my oldest son says to me "Hey, Cat #1 is out in the kitchen.  Hey, wait, Grandma's door is open!"  So he sent me in there to go shut it.  I took cat #1 (she's a total moose, btw LOL) and threw her (nicely) onto my mom's bed and said "Why on earth was she out here?  You KNOW she's not allowed out here unless you're letting her outside!  She pisses on the counter!"  Which my mother replies "She doesn't do that."  I said "Yes, she does!  You KNOW this!  You agreed to keep her in your room unless she's going outside!  Why is she out here??  And why is your door open??"  She replies "GOD!  Can't my cats do anything at all???"  

First of all, it's only TWO cats who aren't allowed out willy-nilly.  All the other cats (read: ALL SIX OTHER ONES) are allowed out whenever they like.  So, WTF is she even talking about?  Second, they were all already out this morning when I got up to pee (not on the counter).  So they were just FINE.  

Her reply?  "Where is Cat #2?"  I said "WHAT?!!! He's not allowed out here!  Did he leave your room??  (I am totally panicking now, as my dog is in the kitchen with me)  What are you thinking??  Ma, you realize my dog will attack him, right??  I am not punishing your cat, I am PROTECTING him!!  What's wrong with you??  You realize my dog will hurt him, right?"  She replies in a sing-song voice "I know."  My son said "Yeah, you know, and that's why you're a bad cat owner!  You don't care about your cats, you only care about pissing off mom, which is why you do this shit!!"  

Safe to say, my son was PISSED.  But I will say I do feel good he sees it.  That it's not just me saying she's doing this shit on purpose to make me angry, he sees it, too.  We ALL see it.  

Here's the thing: WE JUST DID THIS SAME EXACT SCENARIO EXACTLY ONE MONTH AGO!!  

This SAME thing JUST happened.  Her acting like she can do whatever she likes.  Last time I found Cat #2 crying at her door for like five minutes and I realized he was in the hallway and I let her have it.  Although this time he didn't get out.  

Want to know why she's acting out?  Because I didn't make Christmas dinner yesterday.  Instead, my ex-husband called me and told me they were making homemade pizza for dinner, so I copied him, because I was tired AF and didn't want ham.  So I made homemade pizza.  Which was damn good, btw (I make kickass pizza, but since I don't eat dairy or acidic food, I make my own version of pizza for myself which is really, really good, but normal pizza for everyone else).  But it wasn't ham and potatoes and green bean casserole.  So mother was complaining about it.  

Well guess what?  I have been looking for a good reason to knock her cigarettes down to 3 (I had her down to four before Thanksgiving) and now I have a good reason to.  I mean, she's on her way to quitting.  She doesn't agree she should, but I don't care, I DO NOT want to buy one more bag of tobacco.  I have about a third of a bag left and I want to get her to zero by the end of the bag.  But this is the right time to go down to three.  She's already cranky, so why not?  

So yes.  Mother is always up to her tricks.  She has so very tricks left, but this is one of them.  And lowering her "smokies" intake will piss her off even more.  Oh well.  HAPPY HOLIDAYS, Y'ALL!  WHOO HOO!  

Okay, so there's one more thing that happened today, but this is something totally different, so I will post that in the next post.  So feel free to read on, as this one is a doozy. 

  

via GIPHY

So, lately my mother has taken to just hanging out in my son's room without permission.  At first, he said nothing about it.  I figured if it bothered him, he would tell me.  But we now switched rooms and she's amped up her crossing his boundaries and now just enters his room without knocking or asking to go in.  He came to me and said "Help!" after she wandered in last night started rubbing his shoulders without asking if it was okay to do so.  So, I created this: 

And I just taped it to his door.  

She does NOT do this to our youngest son.  Only him.  She used to do this to me, but since I put up boundaries with her, she then decided my son would be her scapegoat instead.  And I I am putting an end to it before it goes any further.  

I used to have the same sign (or something very similar) on my door, and it stopped her from coming in.  So, I did not hesitate to put one up for him.  

I KNEW she was pushing me by pushing him, but I didn't want to say anything.  As long as he was okay with it, I figured it wasn't my place to step in.  He's an adult and much of the time, he doesn't want me to make decisions for him, so I don't.  But this time I told him, she won't quit.  It will only get worse and she will eventually enter your room when you aren't there, like she did me.  So he agreed, putting up a sign is best, as telling her verbally what you don't want her to do not only doesn't work, but she will do it more and more the more you tell her not to.  It's crazy!  

She always has to do something stupid around the holidays, right?  

On Saturday I took her Christmas shopping and she asked me "What size do you wear?"  I internally groaned.  "2X" I replied.  And just like I knew she would she said "OH MY GOD, you DO NOT wear clothes that big!  There is is no way!" right in the middle of the store.  Sigh.  I just walked away.  

Then today she said "Do you have more crackers?"  I said yes.  "Oh, I figured you were too busy to get me any and that maybe one day when you went shopping you'll finally get me some more.  It's okay.  It's okay you did that."  "Did what?"  "Not get me crackers before."  Sigh.  

She's obviously in a mood.  

"Are you making your wonderful lasagna for Christmas?"  "No, ma, I am making ham.  It's in the fridge.  It's been there all week."  "Oh.  Well, that's okay."  (thanks for letting me know that's okay LOL).  Sigh.  

I think her BFF Christmas (the person, not the holiday) is angry with me for not letting her come over on Friday.  But I was so pissed that she just showed up, so I knew she would be out and about with her other friend going shopping on Saturday, so I called her house at 1pm, on purpose, knowing she would not be home.  I did this so I could leave a message, canceling her coming over on Sunday (which I had felt pressured into inviting her to).  Why on earth did she think she has the right to come over whenever she pleases?  So, I cancelled on her, because no.  Just, no.  

God damn old women and their insane holiday behavior!  

Oh, my son literally just came in here and said "Grandma is being fucking WEIRD!!  She came into the kitchen while I was washing my plate and she kept touching me and putting her hands up my shirt!  It makes me feel weird!"  He HATES confrontation and also hates when I confront her on his behalf, because that puts him into the position to have to deal with her when she will eventually come to him and ask if what she did was so bad.  So I get it.  She makes everyone uncomfortable.  But this is just gross.  She touches my husband all the time, too.  I tell them both to say "Please don't do that."  But nobody will.  And I won't stand up to her for them, because it makes them feel weird, so I guess she's just gonna be all touchy until she takes it too far and they freak out on her.  But oh well, that's what she gets.  Damn that woman needs to learn to keep her hands to herself  Why are narcissists like this??  I HATE being touched by people I don't want to touch me, so there is no way I would tolerate that.  And guess what?  My mom knows this.  She doesn't touch me unless she's falling I am there to catch her.  But that's it.  

Well, we'll see how this holiday turns out.  I hope it's got minimal weirdness, but with my mom, you never know.  

Well, happy holidays, ya'll!  Hope yours is uneventful and fun!

So uh, my mom's BFF Christmas just came over without telling me she was doing so and got annoyed I would not let her in.  She was supposed to come over last week, but my house is PACKED with crap due to the fact my hubby and I traded rooms with our oldest son (the living room).  You couldn't even get to the front door!  Much less the kitchen.  But I told her my husband was sick (which he is).

So, I said later this week.  She called on Tuesday, I said he was still sick.  She said "Maybe Friday?"  I said I will let you know.  She called last night, I didn't see it until late.  She called his morning, I didn't answer, as I didn't want to deal with it.  We're still organizing everything and the kitchen is still packed with boxes.  There is ZERO room for her to visit.  And I didn't want to explain all that.  

NOR SHOULD I HAVE TO.  

This is MY house.  I live here.  I do not owe a single person an explanation for why they cannot visit.  Why it's not a good time.  Yes, my mother lives here, too, but I have things going on right now, I can't help that people cannot come over at the moment. 

But apparently she called and said she was coming over, something I told her a long time ago she was not allowed to do.  I told her she needs permission to visit, as I have a very aggressive dog (to strangers in his house, to us he's not aggressive to us at all and he is trying to like strangers outside of his house and doing quite well with it) and because I need to make sure it's clean.  Because, WTF.  Who doesn't want to clean up before someone stops by???  

Sigh.  

So, Christmas (not the holiday) was bored.  She's someone who always needs something to do, or else she gets anxious.  And she wanted something to do today, apparently, and thought that she could just disobey my house's rules, and just pop over for a visit with my mom.  Here are the reasons why that's not allowed: 

1. My house is not always put together.  a) Right now I have a HUGE burn pile built up in the kitchen (we burn our paper and cardboard), b) our dishes aren't done, c) the floor needs a good mopping, and d) THERE ARE FOUR HUGE PLASTIC BINS FILLED WITH STUFF BLOCKING EVERYTHING.  Some of those bins are for our garage sale, but most are to figure out where they need to go.  I am in the process of organizing and cleaning, I do not need someone, esp. a judgmental asshole who hates messy spaces, coming over and seeing my mess.  And yes, she's a judgmental asshole, as she's bitched to me before about having to clean her friend's fridge (she was paid to do it), and she kept talking about how "horribly disgusting it was".  I was like, "Why would she need you clean it if it was clean already???!!"  What an idiot.  
2. I have a mean dog.  He's actually pretty lovely and lovey and kind and sweet and adorable.  But he HATES strangers at his house.  He will BITE them.  Enough said.  She sat there today, saying "I won't catch what your husband has, I can just come through!" while my dog was going NUTS at the door, trying to break it down.  I was standing there like "Can you not see how stressful this is for me?  Cannot you not hear the rage in my dog's barks?  Do you want to come in and have him bite you??"  I need to either remove him from my house when she comes over or crate him.  Recently, my son has been taking him out on a leash when she comes over to get him used to her.  I hate it, but it seems to be working.  
3. I don't have a doorbell that works, I can't hear her knocking.  Today, though, she called my mom's number, which made me run to the door to answer it, because otherwise my mom would try to come out into my room to let her him, even though there is ZERO room for her to, and my mom is not allowed in my room. 
4. IT'S JUST FUCKING RUDE IF I ALREADY TOLD HER NOT TO DO IT!!  And I did tell her not to do it, more than once.  And she agreed.  Now the crazy woman has a cell phone, so she can call the moment she's on the porch and if I don't answer, she will call our house phone, which rings my mom's room.  Next time I will turn off the internet so the phones won't work LOL  

I found my first best friend.  Again.  I've looked her up many times in my life.   I've always wanted to contact her, but I don't know what to say.  I know she's most likely a narcissist.  Maybe not.  I had my best friend's daughter pegged for one, and she turned out to be a really wonderful adult.  Same goes for my kids' oldest stepsister.  She used to be horrible but grew up sweet and kind.  But there was something different about Tricia.  That's her real name.  I have no reason to hide it.  Granted, if I compared her to my best friend's daughter, I couldn't say they were that much different.  But then again, my BFF's daughter didn't hurt people for fun.   I was like 4 when I met her, but I knew her for many years, and that's my memory over 40 year later.  

I remember being in an argument with her and her reaching out and shoving me into a rosebush.  And I was stuck and screaming and my mom came out and Tricia followed us indoors into the bathroom, and I was so angry at her I just wanted her to leave.  But she just stood there, watching my mother washing all the blood off my body.  I don't remember her being sorry.  I don't remember her saying anything at all.  She just watched.  Granted, my memory could be wrong, but this stood out, just like the time she decided to poop in my front yard (so gross-kids are ick).  She also used to get the other kids to throw rocks at me when she was mad at me, or stick sticks into the spokes of my bike wheels when I would be riding home away from them in tears because they were being mean to me.  Tricia was my bully.  And my best friend.  

I also remember her and the boy I liked (who happened to be her boyfriend) being overly sexual with one another.  Which led to her being overly sexual with me, which led me to being overly sexual with other children we hung out with.  I didn't know it was wrong.  I don't know who started it, whether it was her or the boy I liked, but either way, one of them had to have been molested or shown something they shouldn't have seen, on a regular basis.  Which then led both of them to being overly sexual when we were all together.  

This affected my life greatly, as a kid.  Nobody ever asked me where I learned that stuff or why I did and said the things I did, I just got into trouble.  A lot.  And today?  Not a single kid from my childhood has sought me out as an adult.  And I really wonder why.  I can only assume it's because they thought I was a total weirdo as a kid and did weirdo things.  Granted, as I aged, those things got less and less, thank goodness, but what Tricia had taught me as a kid really affected my life back then.  And the lives of our friends.  

And I wanted to write to her about it.  But what on earth would I say?  "Hey I remember you were a total spoiled brat and taught me inappropriate things that messed up my life as a kid."  And if I am wrong about her, and she's not a narcissist, maybe, just maybe, we could get to the bottom of what was being taught to either her or I and we could finally put that chapter of our lives to rest.  But I don't think I am wrong about her.  So what will it do then?  Absolutely nothing.  Also, it may bring her to retaliate against me.  So, what's the point?  Thinking we'd figure things out is also a long shot, most likely her answer would be "I don't remember".  Or she'd blame me, even though she was older than me and I know I learned all about certain things from her.  

Instead, I think I want to put her chapter to rest.  I need to let her go.  I need to expunge her from my past and my soul.  I need to allow all the horrible things she did to me, and that she got others to do to me, to not be erased, but to be forgiven.  I could say she was just a child, but I was also just a child.  And I didn't deserve the things she did to me.  And I didn't do those things to her.  I did not bully her.  I did not hurt her in any way.  I looked up to her and thought she was my best friend.  But she used that against me and because of that, I followed a cycle of letting horrible people do horrible things to me from then on.  She was my first real friend in life.  And she showed me what friendship was.  And from then on, I either had friends who abused me, or I became a friend to those who I saw as weaker then me and bossed them around, the way she did me.  I didn't abuse them, but I did hurt them.  I never learned to do better until I was in my 30's.  

I think I now know what to write to her.  I was confused before.  I didn't know what I would say.  But just like my old neighbor Ray, who was a priest and touched me inappropriately under the Christmas table at his sister's house in 2016 or so, and the man I used to babysit for over 30 years ago, I wrote them a letter, said what they did, and let it go.  I now have to write to Tricia.  And I will let her go.  

There are other people I could write to.  But I tend to either run into them, or they can find me online or may know where I live.  So, I will leave them all alone until my family moves.  This December, which is the month of letting go for me, as I sent my last two letters in December two years ago, will be about my first real friend, Tricia A.  The little girl with stark blonde hair who treated me like total trash as a kid.  I need to find a way to forgive her and move on.  Sending her a letter would be good, but I need to be careful, as her old BFF, a mutual friend of ours growing up, knows how to find me.  But I can just block her if I have to.  Tricia is a narcissist.  That much I remember.  But her old BFF is not, but she is a flying monkey of hers.  So that's similar.  I just hope I don't run into her anywhere.  But if I do, I will say "Listen, what happened between me and Tricia as kids is between us, you weren't there, you don't know.  This is none of your business."  And I will walk away (or block her on social media).  

Thinking about sending her a letter hurts my stomach.  But I know I need to do it, though I also don't want to be on this woman's radar, which I haven't been for most of my life.  But I can send a letter that's short and to the point, and not signed, but she will know exactly who it is.  

Okay, I think I will work on my letter today.  I will say sending a letter to my hubby's boss who had a crush on him and then insulted me at his going away party for work was the right thing to do, but what I wrote was NOT the right thing to write, as it didn't convey exactly how I felt.  It was too nice.  So I need to remember that this time.  Not to be mean, but to convey exactly what I want to say, but at the same time imagine her reading it and laughing at me, so I have to be careful not to completely humiliate myself.  Also, I don't know what she's capable of as a narcissistic adult, so I also need to be careful.  

Okay, off to go plan my letter.