Oh god.  Oh no.  What was going on here?   Alarm bells rang in my head like blasting sirens and I had to run to the bathroom to see what he was referring to.  And it was exactly what I had feared: my mother had cleaned the bathroom and instead of just taking my stuff and putting it all in one space like she usually does (and is fine by me), she organized it all.  

"Oh Shay, you are so lucky!  I would kill to have someone organized my bathroom for me!"  

Under normal circumstances, I would be ecstatic.  Had it been my youngest son who was home at the time?  Absolutely!  Because in that case, an organized bathroom would be just that: an organized bathroom.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It would mean that my amazing son did something super nice.  But when it comes to narcissism, it means something else entirely.  It means that she's planning to do it again.  It means she's going to get into my closet next.  Nothing in the closet is hers.  Not one thing.  And my mother is the queen of touching other people's stuff and organizing it and reorganizing it, and so forth (and putting it places you can't find it, which forces you to buy a new one, only for her to say "Oh, it was right here the whole time!"--except the times she would actually hide my things so I never found them until WAY later, if ever).  And once she's done with the closet, she'll move onto the other bathroom.  And then, the kitchen.  Granted, she can't actually do the kitchen, I just did a HUGE deep clean of the kitchen and organized all the cabinets.  So that's nice.  But still.  The fear still lingers.

It also means she's sending you a message: "I can do what I like with your stuff."  None of what she organized was hers.  It was my oldest son's and some of my stuff.  My son is grateful and told me I shouldn't be mad over something so nice.  Is he new here?  Does he not know that everything she does is a manipulation?  Now granted, he has no idea I am still worried about this, he just told me that in the moment.  He said "Should I be mad if you organized my stuff?"  Sigh.  I swear.  I love my kid, I really do, but he really doesn't get it.  His ASD is worse than mine in some ways, which makes him both more hyperresponsive to stimuli and more under responsive to stimuli than me, sometimes at the same time.  He wants to go to school to be a therapist, but it took him YEARS to understand what narcissism really was and what it looked like and while he totally gets it now, he still cannot understand my fears with her.  He has really hard time stepping into someone else's shoes (which I guess is a good emotional protection for a therapist) and seeing through their eyes.  I, on the other hand, do that so badly, that I have what you call "mirror synesthesia".  I can literally feel what other people are feeling (both physically and emotionally).  Which would make me an excellent therapist I think, but drain me so badly that I wouldn't be able to function after a session (which is also why photography sessions drain me so badly, too).   

I mean, he's right, if that's all she was planning on doing, then yes, I am grateful.  It looks very nice.  But I know my mother.  And I know that's not all she's planning.  She's bored and looking for things to do.  So she tried out one small thing to see how I'd react.  I haven't said a word.  And I really really hope she brings it up to me.  This is how I hope it goes: 

Her: Did you notice the bathroom?

Me: Of course, we have two bathrooms. 

Her: I mean, did you see how clean it is?  

Me: Sure.

Her: Did you notice how everything is put away?  

Me: Yes, I do tend to put things away.

Her: No, I mean the cart.  How I organized it.

Me: Do you give me a pat on the back every time I clean the stove or every single day when Mr. Brooks does the dishes?  No, so why do you need someone applauding you every time you do something?  That's weird.  I clean and cook and do what I do because that's how things work.  I don't need someone to praise me when I do things.  That's called being an adult.  I never got praise growing up, all you ever did was find flaws in how I did it wrong.  I would wash the mirror at the end of the hallway and all you would say was that there were streaks on it.  If I vacuumed, you'd tell me I missed a spot.  You NEVER gave me praise, so why on earth do you expect me to give you praise?  In case you were listening to the video I put on the other day, know that how you are treated as someone in my care is in direct relation to the way you treated me growing up.  Granted, I actually care about your well-being, unlike you when I was a kid, so you're actually getting better care than I did.  I actually try to keep you safe, when you just completely neglected and ignored me as a kid.  And you smoked in the house which gave me constant bronchitis.  I am lucky that didn't give me lung damage.  You not only did the bare minimum as a parent, you went out of your way to be spiteful and mean to me, to put me down when I did things I was proud of.  If I painted a painting, you would stare at it and find all the things wrong with it.  You made fun of me and made me believe I was stupid and incapable of doing anything right.  Especially in math.  You are the reason I had such a hard time with math, you know that?  Your constant judgement and cruelty to me when we played Yahtzee.  You made me play that game with you almost every single day so you could feel better about your own poor math skills.  What kind of mother does that?  What kind of human being does that to a child?  You made me believe everything I did was not good enough.  So, tell me again how you want me to say thank you for cleaning up stuff that wasn't yours to clean up and praise you for a job well done.   Because I would be grateful, but since you are you, I am suspicious of your motivations for doing so.  Because I know you way too well.  And I know everything you do is a manipulation.  Not only that, why on EARTH would I praise you for a job well done, when you couldn't even give that to me as a child?  Why do you think you deserve it?  You were a terrible parent and now I am your parent and I am a far better one to you than you were to me, but I don't need to praise you cleaning up other people's stuff.  We don't clean for praise, we clean because something needs to be clean.  You did a job that needed to be done.  Big deal.  That's what adults do.  So grow up, and stop always asking for people to applaud you for the simplest of tasks.  You're not a pet monkey.  You're an adult.  Act like it.  

Ahhhh, relaxation.  I feel much better after writing that.  

I may not say all that.  I will probably forget half of it.  But I will say about how she found faults in everything I ever did growing up, to make herself feel superior to me and why on EARTH would I need to praise her when she treated me so badly?  

I do feel much better now about the whole thing.  Knowing why I don't thank her or praise her.  Because that's what she wants from me.  She requires adoration and praise for every little thing she does.  Why have I never thought to say this to her before???  It's wild, but I will now.  I just hope she brings it up.  

So, I found this YouTube channel named Psychology with Dr. Ana.  And her video on estranged parents came up and I started watching it.  After hearing what it said, I started it over and put it on pause.  I then fed my mother dinner and didn't turn on the classical music I normally put on for her while she eats (though I don't think she really likes it, but I do, because I don't like her listening to what I talk about in my room--I think she prefers to have the kitchen silent while she eats so she can easily hear what everyone is talking about in other rooms).  And I turned on the YouTube video on my television.  LOUDLY.  It was a thirty minute video, and it lasted her entire dinner.  And, hopefully, she heard the whole thing. 

Did it do anything?  

Probably not.  My son said "She probably didn't even listen."  And I bet he's right.  But it sure made me feel better.  Yes, it made me feel a little weird, now and then, especially when the Dr. so blatantly called out my mother for her behavior.  The things that hit dead on were like a little stab to my gut and made me almost turn it down out of fear.  But the I remembered: she did this.  Not me.  She is the one at fault.  And while I normally do not call her out for her bad behaviors, I do sometimes.  And usually it's not out of the blue for her.  Not like this.  But sometimes it's warranted and deserved.  

Last night I had dreams about her and my cousins.  I don't remember what about.  I also had dreams bout Sean Puffy Daddy Combs, because I feel asleep watching a documentary about him LOL  Ew.  It was a weird dream where I mixed up a Facebook reel I saw earlier in the day with this documentary haha  About a woman who's boyfriend was cheating on her with a blonde woman.  And P. Didders was diddling with the blonde girl.  So weird.  

Anyways, that's what I did and I am not sorry about it.  I am sure she didn't even pay attention to what I was watching.  It was pretty loud though, so had she been listening to my TV she would have definitely heard what it was saying.  But she has an ability to tune things out and become engrossed in her books while she eats.  But that's okay, I did it for me, not her.  Well, a little bit for her, but it's not like it will change anything.  I just like holding people accountable when they refuse to take accountability.  

It's Tuesday, January 28th, 2025.  I had my hysterectomy last Thursday, the 23rd.  It was terrifying, but it's been five days and I am doing better.  I still can't do much without pain, so I stay still most of the time.  I have made the mistake twice of feeling great, then doing too much, and then being in pain afterwards.  Today is one of those days.  We went to my therapist appointment and there's a graveyard nearby, so we went trapsing around the cemetery (it was so cool!) and immediately my incision started hurting.  Ugh.  

But I had my procedure and my recovery so far, and my mother doesn't know a damn thing about it.  Thank goodness.  Not that she'd care, but it's none of her business and I don't want her to know about it.  If she finds out, she will pretend to care, which is actually worse.  So it's just better she just doesn't find out at all.  

So, my procedure was scheduled at 6am and we got there at 5:30.  We woke up to a snowstorm, which sucked because a) I am terrified of driving/riding in the snow and b) we hadn't had snow yet this year.  We live in the north.  We used to get snow for Thanksgiving.  But with the weather patterns changing, we haven't had snow until January for the past few years.  But this year, we got that snowstorm, and then it melted the next day which was in the forties.  The weather here is so wonky anymore, and we're almost to the point of getting rid of winter as a whole, which I do not like.  Though I do like being able to drive most days without snow.  

We get there and it's like a little kiosk in a mall, you sign in, and then they come get you and put you into a tiny room with one bed and a TV.  You get undressed, they blood test you, IV you, and get you all comfy with blankets and pillows.  It's almost spa-like LOL  I did not expect that.  So we watched TV and they came in and said "Okay, time to go!"  I panicked.  I have pretty bad anxiety, but she said "Oh don't worry, I am going to give you something for that" and she injected something into my IV and bam...I felt fine.  I was even fully aware and happy in the OR room (but not crazy happy, just calm).  I even got to look around and see everything without feeling totally numb or disassociating, as I usually do when I have a procedure done.  

And just like that, I woke up.  I was shaking from freezing so bad, that my teeth were clattering together.  The nurse put a heating tube in my gown and I immediately felt better.  I was so groggy though, I could not think straight.  But that lasted only a few minutes and then I went off back to my room, where they said "Well, when you feel good enough to get dressed, you can go home."  I was super dizzy, but eventually that wore off, too.  And I went home.  They lost my hat.  Well, someone lost my hat, I don't know if it's lost in our house at the hospital, but it's gone.  My favorite hat, too.  Sigh.  

Recovery sucked.  I am hypermobile, which means sleeping is where I get most of my pain from, and I am always tossing and turning (we are buying a new mattress next month).  But I cannot sleep on my back, like at all, because a) I have pharyngeal spasms (my throat closes) due to to post nasal drip, and b) it's excruciating.  Well, I can't sleep on my side with three incisions in my belly, so I have to sleep with a couch pillow under my legs, and a triangle pillow under my upper back, neck, and head.  If I crick my neck to either side, I always pinch nerves in my neck, which gives me migraines, so I have to sleep with my bathrobe balled up against one side and a pair of sweatpants balled up on the other side, to keep my head in place.  IT'S SO WEIRD!!!  And fucking painful.  But, I will say, I am only waking up once a night to pee, so that's good.  And I get a full night's sleep.  The night I came home, I didn't sleep at all, neither did I the night before, so I was anxious about not being able to sleep, but I did and have been ever since.  Thank goodness.  

Here's what they don't tell you about recovery: you're throat can hurt.  BADLY.  So bad, you can barely eat, as though you got your tonsils removed.  And the pain can radiate through your shoulders and down into your back and diaphragm.  And it can be horrible.  I am not trying to scare anyone, as I have found what helps: Tylenol...and ICE water.  Must be iced.  Hot damn, does that help!  My sore throat moved all the way to my voice box and I could barely speak for an entire day.  And it didn't start the day after, but two days after!  And DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT, eat anything aggravating: tomato crap, vinegar crap, citrus, etc.  Oh god, just don't do it!  I did, and I paid greatly for it!  

I am still drinking my ice water now.  It helps soooo much! 

Okay, so I got my results back from them dissecting Big Birtha (I named her posthumously--she's given birth to two children and one angel child from a miscarriage many years ago) and I was right!  I have adenomyosis.  I knew it!  I am very glad I had this done, as that shit causes PAIN and bleeding.  The IUD helped with that, but I FINALLY lost all the weight from my two Mirena IUD insertions (30lbs each!!) and I have gone over a year without a migraine (minus one time) and I refused to get another IUD.  Turns out, I would have bled post menopause due to the fact that I had both that and polyps.  So this procedure was needed WAY more than anything else. 

Also, there was an EXTRA piece of meat they pulled out and an extra tube...as if I had an extra malformed uterus or something...WTF???? 

Here, I will bold the parts that confuse me and I will be asking my doctor about: 

Received in formalin is an intact 155 g hysterectomy specimen consisting of uterus and cervix (8.5 cm cervix to fundus by 6.5 cm cornu to cornu by 4.5 cm anterior to posterior), two fimbriated fallopian tubes (3.0 cm in length by 0.7 cm in diameter and 4.5 cm in length by 0.7 cm in diameter), an additional tube piece (5.0 cm in length by 0.6 cm in diameter), an ovary (2.5 x 2.5 x 1.8 cm), and an additional piece of tan-pink soft tissue (3.0 x 2.0 x 1.7 cm) with a partially smooth, partially roughened outer surface.  The additional piece of soft tissue is sectioned to reveal a tan-pink, fibrous cut surface.

So uh, that "extra piece of tube" is BIGGER than my actual fallopians!!   And who put that big hunk of meat in there and what was it attached to?  Was that even supposed to come out?  What in the hell?  Aahhhh how did they not see this back when I would get ultrasounds and whatnot??  Where was it hiding??!!  This is freaky, like finding out you had a twin you absorbed living inside of you!  I am just glad it didn't show that this thing had teeth!  

Here are my results for what was wrong with Birtha: 

So yes, I am glad to say goodbye to Big Birtha.  She gave her all.  She gave me two amazing kids and knew it was a good idea to not have a baby at seventeen years old and decided to end that pregnancy for me (I didn't even know I was pregnant).  She did well.  Yes, she GAVE ME SHIT the rest of the time.  Tried to expel my second child way too early and put me in the ER a week after he was born, in which I had to have a D&C.  And then put me in the ER many times after that with gross-ass bleeding that was abnormal (hence the need for the IUD).  But hey, she did what she could.  She was a problem child, but I forgive her.  She didn't mean to do the things she did.  It's all over now.  She has been put out to pasture and sleeps with the fishies now.  I loved her.  And hated her.  But I will be, forever and always, grateful to her angry little fist-sized self.  

Thank you Birtha.  I bid you farewell and wish you happiness on your journeys.  To the dump.  Or ever they put biological medical waste these days.  

 Let's just hope that extra "tissue" was just...well, I have no idea what it could be.  I am going to call their office to get into see them for a checkup and I will ask then LOL  Because EWWWWWW!  And yay!  It's all over but the healing now.  And I am grateful for that, too.  But for my kids?  This entire journey with her was worth it.  Rest well, sweet Birtha.  You did well.  Well, for like 18 months.  The rest of the time you were shit, but still.  Best 18 months ever!  

I wrote about this before, and I can't believe I am writing about it again.  There has to be a point where this stops.  I am not here to be used and I refuse to put my family in position by people who have NO CLUE what they're doing to get them into trouble, just because someone asks me to.  If you read my post before about potatoes, then you'll know what I am talking about.  If not, here's a summary: 

My son tried potatoes to cure his SEVERE anxiety.  Everywhere you look online and off, they keep saying that potatoes will do this.  For life.  I mean, who doesn't want their anxiety cured for life?  Esp. when your anxiety is so bad you can't function normally.  Well, my son had to wean himself off his meds (which I didn't like--but I am not his boss) to try the potatoes.  He did so, but found there is nowhere to buy potatoes.  So, he had to grow his own.  For his own use (let me be very, very clear about that part).  In no way was he ever going to share his potatoes with anyone, ever.  

Well, my birthmother read some crap from, oh what's his name...alright alright alright!  Dammit, perimenopause, I can't remember shit anymore!  Oh I googled it, Matthew McConawhatsit.  Well, she's enamored by him and thinks he's god, and he loves potatoes and so she wanted some potatoes, too, because she thinks it's a cure-all, too.  So I STUPIDLY SAID "Oh, my son tried those, they did not work, except in the moment, but not long-term."  She lived states away and wanted me to give her some of his.  I was like....uhhhhh...what?  Then she came at me and said "Oh your uncle wants some, too!"  Oh.  My.  Fucking.  God.  She's telling people now that my son has his own potatoes??????  Holy banana boat, what in the hell is going on here?  That's beyond stupid, for both the and us!  What in the hell?  

Well, I said "They made him super sick and so he doesn't have any anymore."  Then she proceeded to tell me every remedy for that.  I said to each and every single remedy she came at with that he'd tried it (and he had) and it didn't work.  And the more he at the potatoes, the worse and worse and worse his nausea got, to the point of having bad potato dreams while eating them.  And who the hell wants bad potato dreams?? So yeah, we did not have any.  But did that stop her from asking again and again?  No, it did not.  

"Tell me how to grow my own potatoes!  Do you think your son will take me to where he got his potato seeds?"  No.  No he will not, you insane weirdo.  

But she kept on.  And today she called me to ask me once again for the same information.  

"One reason I called you was because..." and as it turned it, it was the ONLY reason she called me.  

Lest me remind you: she NEVER calls me.  Like EVER.  She hardly remembers I am even alive, unless she either wants something or is bored.  During lockdown, she never contacted me once!  And she lives alone, with nobody to take care of!  I have FOUR other humans I was taking care of.  And I did eventually call her.  "Oh, I was just thinking about you!"  Where you?  Because I hadn't heard from you in almost two years, but sure!  Okay.  Let's pretend that's true! 

Is she a narcissist?  I don't think so.  But she is VERY self-centered and very, VERY clueless.  About everything.  

Tomorrow is my book signing.  I told her about it.  She lives an hour away now.  I thought she was calling to either a) tell me good luck or b) ask if she could come up and to come to my signing.  NOPE.  Not one word about that.  I just told her a few days ago, so it's not like it's been a bit or anything for her to forget.  

Today, I told her about my EMB and reminded her I am having a hysterectomy in one week and did she say "Good luck!" or "Wow, that sounds tough...".  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Nope.  Nothing.  She just changes the subject as though I was talking about a TV show I was going to watch next week and now it's her turn to talk about herself.  Sigh.  

She's not my mother.  She's a woman who's body carried me as a fucking fetus.  I need to remember that.  She gave me up for a reason and that reason is that she would not have been a good mother.  Neither is my own mother (hence this blog), but wow, it really sucks I was never meant to have a good mom.  Ever.  I was doomed to be surrounded by and raised by narcissists (my grandmother is a HUGE narcissist--who I would have been raised by had I not been adopted), whether I stayed in my blood family or been adopted.  

But the NERVE of this woman calling me to ask me about buying her own potato seeds and the setup needed to do so, it's like my son, who was in his early 20's could figure that out by himself?  She can too!!  I messaged her back just now and told her the place didn't exist anymore and she'll have to do some research online to find out in potato forums where to buy what she needs locally.  I did not tell my son about it, as I DO NOT want him sucked back into that line of thinking, as he's fully back on his meds and they are working (thank goodness--as going off your meds could make them not work anymore).  But she doesn't think about that part.  I am going to have to explain this all to her if she asks again.  Or rather, I will tell her if we're going to meet up at some point "Hey, please don't bring up the idea of potatoes to my son because I want him to stay on his meds and not get any bright ideas to go off his meds again, okay?"  

I still can't believe she told her WACKO brother about it and offered him something that wasn't hers to give.  Who even does that???? 

Sigh.  I actually thought she was calling for a good reason.  I thought she was calling because she missed talking to me or just wanted to hear my voice.  Why did I think that?  Why did let myself think that?  Why do I forget things and think she actually cares about me?

Because that's not who she is.  And this is just yet another reminder.  She only calls when she wants something.  If she still lived 12 hours away?  She'd be back to emailing me once a year.  But now she's an hour away and is all alone with no friends and nobody to talk to, so she writes to me every other week.  It's only my proximity to her that matters.  And all she wants to do is info dump on me anyways, she doesn't care about what's going on my own life.  Sigh.  

If I would have given up my baby, a) it would have been at birth, not SIX MONTHS OLD and b) I would want that child in my life as much as possible and I'd call just to hear their voice.  But I am not her.  Because if I would have had to give up my child?  It would have been under duress and exceptional circumstances.  It would not have been my choice.  My mother gave me up because she wanted to prove to her mother that SHE was in charge of what happens to me and she didn't want her to have me.  My grandmother tried to take me from her, and so she said "Oh yeah?  I will just give her to strangers then!" and then they fought in court, my birthmother won and just like that, I was in a new home right before Christmas.  At six months old.  

Sigh.  

Yup.  Why did I think she'd miss me enough to call me?  So dumb.  So very, very dumb.  

I think next time I will say I am busy or I just won't answer the phone.  It's never about anything nice anyways.  

I am so tired of people letting me down, using me, or abusing me (and my family).  

We deserve so much better than this.  We all you.  So do you.  

Make 2025 be about standing up for yourself, with everyone, and put a stop to these people's access to you.  That's what I am doing.  Or, at least trying.  

Sigh.  I am so fucking done with this shit.  

Today I had a endometrial biopsy and hot damn did that hurt.  I even dropped an F bomb quite loudly LOL  

A week from Thursday I will have my hysterectomy.  I am terrified, but at the same time, I deal with it by numbing myself to the fear.  I just put it out of my mind like this: "If anything bad is going to happen, I HAVE to do this, so there is nothing I can do about it".  I know I need this done, and I can't back out, so I will just do it, like I did my upper GI.  I was terrified, but I just went through the motions and felt completely numb about it.  That's the only way I can get through it.  

But for today, I am just resting because the pain (granted, I don't even need medication for it, just a heating pad).  

So, my mother comes out and starts prying.  

Her: "Oh my, is everything okay?"

My husband: "Yes, why?" 

"Because someone had a doctor's appointment this morning!  I assume because nobody was home!"

"Uh huh."

"I have to worry about my big kids!"  

(inner eye roll) "Okay." 

"You should have told me!  Your dog would not stop barking!"  

"Yup, that's what he does." 

"Yeah, you should have told me."  

"Uh huh."  

"Yeah, I realized you weren't home so I kept talking to your dog and it would keep him quiet.  But as soon as I stopped, he started up again."  

"Yup." 

"Yeah, you should have told me and let your dog into the room with me."  

"Uh huh."  

Silence.  

"Okay, I will go get out of your hair."

"Yup."  

Her words anger me to no end (and annoy the shit out of my poor husband).  "I need to worry about my big kids..."  HA!  Where was her worry when I got out of the ER after having a cyst on my ovary explode and she slammed a door into my back two years ago?  Where was her worry or empathy when I would get migraine after migraine (due to my recently inserted IUD) and she would yell or scream ON PURPOSE to make it worse after I would ask her to stop?  Or when she'd slap me in the back of the head when I'd have a migraine?  WHERE WAS HER WORRY OR EMPATHY FOR ANY FUCKING PART OF MY LIFE, EVER???????? 

Her lies, I swear to god, are just baffling and so anger inducing.  I can only HOPE she asks me about this later herself.  I will do what I can to put myself in her path so she will feel compelled to complain to me about the dog and then, by proxy, have to pretend she was worried I was the doctor's office.  And then I will bring up what I just posted, straight to her face.  I know she's incapable of love or empathy.  I know this.  But fuck, does she have to remind me by saying it?  I need her to stop lying and being fake.  Granted, it's a lot to ask, I know, but geezus.  I don't need a reminder that my mother doesn't love or care about me by her lying to me about it.  

Therapy is in two hours and I will have something to talk about this time.

Sigh.  

Mother wants to cash in her lottery tickets.  Why?  She's not allowed to have cash and she knows it.  The last time she bribed Christmas to buy her illegal (illegal in this house) cat medication and I told her she's no longer allowed to have cash.  Ever.  And she wants me to take her to the gas station to cash in her tickets.  I don't even know where she got them!!  I think she stole them from one of my kids' birthdays.  Oh well, I will get them, cash them (if they're still valid) and put the money in my drawer.  She wants to buy juice.  Bullshit.  She has juice in the fridge (diabetic juice at that).  She actually wants to buy cigarettes.  She's down to 3 a day now.  And I guarantee you she wants to beef up her daily intake by buying a pack and supplementing her daily intake of nicotine.  

Like that's going to happen. 

So, on Friday, I took her to get her ID (because her license is not only expired, but lost somewhere).  That was the last time she'll ever need to step foot in a DMV, as at her age they get a lifetime ID.  I told her we should celebrate.  It's a huge milestone.  Everyone hates the DMV and now she'll never have to go back again.  But that just annoyed her, stating it was "just closer to dying!".  Instead, she wanted to stop at the gas station to cash in her lottery tickets.  I said no, I have a doctor's appointment, and we needed to get home.  She says "Oh?  Don't worry, you can go and leave me in the car."  I laughed and said I had to get something at home.  Well the whole time she's up my ass about me not being late.  Every time I walked back through my bedroom door to do something she kept saying "You're going to be late!!"  I just ignored her.  I know she was just trying to prove I was lying.  I was lying.  But I did leave and go to the resale shop, so that's kind of an appointment.  I had get there before it closed.  

I am going to take her tickets, cash them if I can, and when she asks for them, I will say "You know you're not allowed to have cash.  After what you did last time, remember?  I do not trust you anymore.  For any reason, whatsoever."  Just like she's not allowed to have my dogs in the kitchen with her while she eats dinner.  I have a kitchen camera and watched her literally SHOVEL food into their mouths two seconds after she told me "I would never do that!" after I said my dogs get sick on people food and aren't allowed to have any.  She did it twice, after I walked out and said not to do it, after I saw her do it, and she said "No, I'd never do that.  Don't worry."  Then picks up her fork FILLED with food and shovels it into both dogs' mouths, once again, mere seconds after I turned my back.  

I swear to god she has ZERO respect for me.  She just fears me.  Not that I'll get mad and scream, as I almost never do that, but that I will take away her privileges, like a child.  Well, at least she takes me seriously, right?  She does not love me, nor does she respect me at all, but she does take me seriously.  And that's all because I hold to my forever boundaries.  

Forever boundaries are boundaries I will keep with her FOREVER.  She's NEVER allowed in my bedroom.  She's NEVER allowed to go down the basement alone (she's a bad fall risk).  She's never allowed to have that assface twathead Brudiddly-uce over (he's in love with her--and angry that she lives with me and not him--he's toxic and awful).  She's NEVER allowed to hit me in the head (like she used to on a daily basis--to everyone in my household).  She's NEVER allowed to have my dogs with her while she eats and she's NEVER allowed to have cash.  There were more boundaries but they're no longer valid now, as she's outgrown them (like taking out the garbage, etc.).  If you read my past posts, you'll know why all of these are in place.  I've been writing since day one of all of this.  I keep track to remind myself (and others if need be) when I forget or if the details are fuzzy.  I write it all down so I always have access to my past without her trying to rewrite it, as she always does.  

So here is to Forever Boundaries: the boundaries we NEVER let up on, no matter what.  Because those, my friends, are the only way to keep the peace when living, or dealing with a narcissist.  Because once you let up for just a moment, they will see that and swoop right and try to take over your life again.  Go no contact if you can, but if you can't, then keep forever boundaries.  You, and you family, will be so much better off for it.  

I made friends with C back in 2014 or so, when I ran a women's group online.  I wasn't equipped to run that group.  I fucked up, royally.  I didn't know what I was doing.  Or how to do it properly.  Neither did the other women, but it was still my group and I wasn't good at it and I hurt some people.  Yes, I got hurt too, but what I did was worse.  When the group imploded, I left and decided to cut everyone off.  I had LOTS of online friends from that group but removed them all from my page because I knew that I wasn't good with groups of people.  And I really wasn't good at groups of feral women.  And we were oh-so-feral.  I even cut C off, but she was really hurt by this, so I put her back on my friendslist and we've been friends ever since.  As the years have gone by, our friendship has waxed and waned.  But the older I get (I coming up on 50 in a few years) the more I cherish our friendship the less I like our friendship to wane.  I didn't know why it was waning in the past, I just knew we both had busy lives and families and whatnot (she has a boyfriend a dog) and I figured it was just that.  Life.  Just as it was for me.  

Turns out, when our friendship was waning (meaning she contacted me less and less), it was because she was buddying up with another group member.  It's been over 10 years and she still keeps in contact with a HUGE lot of those women.  Which is fine, but what's not fine, is her lovebombing me to the point of thinking I am special to her and then her moving on to someone else in that group and then someone else, etc. and then eventually coming back to me later, lovebombing me all over again, as though no time has passed.  

She made me feel like I was an important part of her life.  She used to always tell me she loved me (like a sister) and how she wanted to be adopted into my family.  So much so, I was considering making a place for her in our new home.  I mean, she's been saying it for YEARS and so I thought that she wanted to escape her life and be with people who truly cared about her.  She loves my kids and my husband and my pets.  And I love her dog.  

This dog.  She makes me look at oodles and oodles of pictures of him a day and then tells me about all of his adventures.  I know more about this dog than I do most people's children.  I know his diet.  I know his friends.  I know most everything there is to know about him.  I am there to celebrate C's wins (like the time her boyfriend and her published a children's comic) and to be there for her losses (her IVF that didn't take, and her boyfriend leaving her a month later, etc.).  I am there for everything.  

But I sat back and thought about it.  When was she there for me?  She sent me one birthday message saying I was one of her closest friends last year.  But for most years, she just said "happy birthday".  And the messages I give her for her birthday she never reads.  I am going to do an in-person author signing of my book in a few weeks...she liked the post, but didn't say a fucking word about it.  She's never even asked to see my book or asked what it was about.  

C is my only friend.  And all the dreams I had of meeting her and hanging out and maybe one day her living in my dream commune are now gone.  Because I am pretty sure C is a fake.  Sure, she's a real person.  But she's not a real friend.  She's opportunistic.  She cycles through her friends and treats us all as though we're so freaking special to her, but never at the same time.  She showers us with compliments and tells us how amazing we are.  She always tells me she wishes she had me as a mom growing since I am such a great mom to my children.  But she also gave me compliments even when it didn't make sense to do so, which always struck me as weird.  She also wants me to be the cheering section for her wins, but she's hardly ever there for mine.  

So, today, I deleted everything I ever posted on her wall and I put her on restricted.  I am nobody's afterthought.  She always said she "never wanted to meet me because leaving me would be too hard".  As though it would break her or something.  Wow.  I can't believe I fell for that.  For real, I actually fell for that.  I honestly thought she cared about me that much that it would hurt her to say goodbye to me if we met.  God, I was so fucking stupid that I wanted to make space for her in my family's life so she wouldn't have to say goodbye.  What is so freaking wrong with me?

I know she's sensitive.  But I saw the signs and ignored them.  She used to have this cat, Alfons.  Back then, he was her life.  And she shared every moment of his life with me, the same way she does with her dog now.  I loved Alfons.  He felt like a part of my life, too.  But when Alfons died (rest his purry little soul), she erased him from her life.  All of his pictures were gone.  And she never spoke of him again.  And she went out and got her dog and he replaced Alfons in her life.  She did the same with her boyfriend.  They were together for YEARS and were planning on getting married.  She was going through IVF with him and now, after he dumped her, he just doesn't exist.  No old pictures.  No words about him or her healing from their breakup.  Nothing.  And she went out and bought a house to replace him with.  A HUGE house with fuck tons of land.  I don't even know why, it's just her and her dog, but that's what she does.  She cannot access her feelings and we all have to play pretend around her, even though these things affect the people around her, too.  When Alfons died, I was so very, very sad.  But I could not tell her that, because she had a dog in place of him and we weren't allowed to talk about her once beloved cat anymore.  

I am done with people like this.  I feel for her, I really do.  I know she's locking away her hurt and pain, but because of this, she can't access any feelings at all, unless she's in the moment with you.  If she's not in the moment with you, you, or whatever the situation is, doesn't exist.  She doesn't respond to me anymore (like before) and she doesn't care about anything that's going on in my life.  She's moved onto other people, like Janae, another girl from our group.  She's publicly telling her wonderful and beautiful she is, and how she adores her.  And I no longer exist to her.  I need REAL friends.  

But do those even exist?  

Sigh.  

I am so tired of friendships.   Being aware of red flags is fucking exhausting.  Because they're everywhere.  Why can't people just be fucking normal?