Today I had a endometrial biopsy and hot damn did that hurt.  I even dropped an F bomb quite loudly LOL  

A week from Thursday I will have my hysterectomy.  I am terrified, but at the same time, I deal with it by numbing myself to the fear.  I just put it out of my mind like this: "If anything bad is going to happen, I HAVE to do this, so there is nothing I can do about it".  I know I need this done, and I can't back out, so I will just do it, like I did my upper GI.  I was terrified, but I just went through the motions and felt completely numb about it.  That's the only way I can get through it.  

But for today, I am just resting because the pain (granted, I don't even need medication for it, just a heating pad).  

So, my mother comes out and starts prying.  

Her: "Oh my, is everything okay?"

My husband: "Yes, why?" 

"Because someone had a doctor's appointment this morning!  I assume because nobody was home!"

"Uh huh."

"I have to worry about my big kids!"  

(inner eye roll) "Okay." 

"You should have told me!  Your dog would not stop barking!"  

"Yup, that's what he does." 

"Yeah, you should have told me."  

"Uh huh."  

"Yeah, I realized you weren't home so I kept talking to your dog and it would keep him quiet.  But as soon as I stopped, he started up again."  

"Yup." 

"Yeah, you should have told me and let your dog into the room with me."  

"Uh huh."  

Silence.  

"Okay, I will go get out of your hair."

"Yup."  

Her words anger me to no end (and annoy the shit out of my poor husband).  "I need to worry about my big kids..."  HA!  Where was her worry when I got out of the ER after having a cyst on my ovary explode and she slammed a door into my back two years ago?  Where was her worry or empathy when I would get migraine after migraine (due to my recently inserted IUD) and she would yell or scream ON PURPOSE to make it worse after I would ask her to stop?  Or when she'd slap me in the back of the head when I'd have a migraine?  WHERE WAS HER WORRY OR EMPATHY FOR ANY FUCKING PART OF MY LIFE, EVER???????? 

Her lies, I swear to god, are just baffling and so anger inducing.  I can only HOPE she asks me about this later herself.  I will do what I can to put myself in her path so she will feel compelled to complain to me about the dog and then, by proxy, have to pretend she was worried I was the doctor's office.  And then I will bring up what I just posted, straight to her face.  I know she's incapable of love or empathy.  I know this.  But fuck, does she have to remind me by saying it?  I need her to stop lying and being fake.  Granted, it's a lot to ask, I know, but geezus.  I don't need a reminder that my mother doesn't love or care about me by her lying to me about it.  

Therapy is in two hours and I will have something to talk about this time.

Sigh.  

Mother wants to cash in her lottery tickets.  Why?  She's not allowed to have cash and she knows it.  The last time she bribed Christmas to buy her illegal (illegal in this house) cat medication and I told her she's no longer allowed to have cash.  Ever.  And she wants me to take her to the gas station to cash in her tickets.  I don't even know where she got them!!  I think she stole them from one of my kids' birthdays.  Oh well, I will get them, cash them (if they're still valid) and put the money in my drawer.  She wants to buy juice.  Bullshit.  She has juice in the fridge (diabetic juice at that).  She actually wants to buy cigarettes.  She's down to 3 a day now.  And I guarantee you she wants to beef up her daily intake by buying a pack and supplementing her daily intake of nicotine.  

Like that's going to happen. 

So, on Friday, I took her to get her ID (because her license is not only expired, but lost somewhere).  That was the last time she'll ever need to step foot in a DMV, as at her age they get a lifetime ID.  I told her we should celebrate.  It's a huge milestone.  Everyone hates the DMV and now she'll never have to go back again.  But that just annoyed her, stating it was "just closer to dying!".  Instead, she wanted to stop at the gas station to cash in her lottery tickets.  I said no, I have a doctor's appointment, and we needed to get home.  She says "Oh?  Don't worry, you can go and leave me in the car."  I laughed and said I had to get something at home.  Well the whole time she's up my ass about me not being late.  Every time I walked back through my bedroom door to do something she kept saying "You're going to be late!!"  I just ignored her.  I know she was just trying to prove I was lying.  I was lying.  But I did leave and go to the resale shop, so that's kind of an appointment.  I had get there before it closed.  

I am going to take her tickets, cash them if I can, and when she asks for them, I will say "You know you're not allowed to have cash.  After what you did last time, remember?  I do not trust you anymore.  For any reason, whatsoever."  Just like she's not allowed to have my dogs in the kitchen with her while she eats dinner.  I have a kitchen camera and watched her literally SHOVEL food into their mouths two seconds after she told me "I would never do that!" after I said my dogs get sick on people food and aren't allowed to have any.  She did it twice, after I walked out and said not to do it, after I saw her do it, and she said "No, I'd never do that.  Don't worry."  Then picks up her fork FILLED with food and shovels it into both dogs' mouths, once again, mere seconds after I turned my back.  

I swear to god she has ZERO respect for me.  She just fears me.  Not that I'll get mad and scream, as I almost never do that, but that I will take away her privileges, like a child.  Well, at least she takes me seriously, right?  She does not love me, nor does she respect me at all, but she does take me seriously.  And that's all because I hold to my forever boundaries.  

Forever boundaries are boundaries I will keep with her FOREVER.  She's NEVER allowed in my bedroom.  She's NEVER allowed to go down the basement alone (she's a bad fall risk).  She's never allowed to have that assface twathead Brudiddly-uce over (he's in love with her--and angry that she lives with me and not him--he's toxic and awful).  She's NEVER allowed to hit me in the head (like she used to on a daily basis--to everyone in my household).  She's NEVER allowed to have my dogs with her while she eats and she's NEVER allowed to have cash.  There were more boundaries but they're no longer valid now, as she's outgrown them (like taking out the garbage, etc.).  If you read my past posts, you'll know why all of these are in place.  I've been writing since day one of all of this.  I keep track to remind myself (and others if need be) when I forget or if the details are fuzzy.  I write it all down so I always have access to my past without her trying to rewrite it, as she always does.  

So here is to Forever Boundaries: the boundaries we NEVER let up on, no matter what.  Because those, my friends, are the only way to keep the peace when living, or dealing with a narcissist.  Because once you let up for just a moment, they will see that and swoop right and try to take over your life again.  Go no contact if you can, but if you can't, then keep forever boundaries.  You, and you family, will be so much better off for it.  

I made friends with C back in 2014 or so, when I ran a women's group online.  I wasn't equipped to run that group.  I fucked up, royally.  I didn't know what I was doing.  Or how to do it properly.  Neither did the other women, but it was still my group and I wasn't good at it and I hurt some people.  Yes, I got hurt too, but what I did was worse.  When the group imploded, I left and decided to cut everyone off.  I had LOTS of online friends from that group but removed them all from my page because I knew that I wasn't good with groups of people.  And I really wasn't good at groups of feral women.  And we were oh-so-feral.  I even cut C off, but she was really hurt by this, so I put her back on my friendslist and we've been friends ever since.  As the years have gone by, our friendship has waxed and waned.  But the older I get (I coming up on 50 in a few years) the more I cherish our friendship the less I like our friendship to wane.  I didn't know why it was waning in the past, I just knew we both had busy lives and families and whatnot (she has a boyfriend a dog) and I figured it was just that.  Life.  Just as it was for me.  

Turns out, when our friendship was waning (meaning she contacted me less and less), it was because she was buddying up with another group member.  It's been over 10 years and she still keeps in contact with a HUGE lot of those women.  Which is fine, but what's not fine, is her lovebombing me to the point of thinking I am special to her and then her moving on to someone else in that group and then someone else, etc. and then eventually coming back to me later, lovebombing me all over again, as though no time has passed.  

She made me feel like I was an important part of her life.  She used to always tell me she loved me (like a sister) and how she wanted to be adopted into my family.  So much so, I was considering making a place for her in our new home.  I mean, she's been saying it for YEARS and so I thought that she wanted to escape her life and be with people who truly cared about her.  She loves my kids and my husband and my pets.  And I love her dog.  

This dog.  She makes me look at oodles and oodles of pictures of him a day and then tells me about all of his adventures.  I know more about this dog than I do most people's children.  I know his diet.  I know his friends.  I know most everything there is to know about him.  I am there to celebrate C's wins (like the time her boyfriend and her published a children's comic) and to be there for her losses (her IVF that didn't take, and her boyfriend leaving her a month later, etc.).  I am there for everything.  

But I sat back and thought about it.  When was she there for me?  She sent me one birthday message saying I was one of her closest friends last year.  But for most years, she just said "happy birthday".  And the messages I give her for her birthday she never reads.  I am going to do an in-person author signing of my book in a few weeks...she liked the post, but didn't say a fucking word about it.  She's never even asked to see my book or asked what it was about.  

C is my only friend.  And all the dreams I had of meeting her and hanging out and maybe one day her living in my dream commune are now gone.  Because I am pretty sure C is a fake.  Sure, she's a real person.  But she's not a real friend.  She's opportunistic.  She cycles through her friends and treats us all as though we're so freaking special to her, but never at the same time.  She showers us with compliments and tells us how amazing we are.  She always tells me she wishes she had me as a mom growing since I am such a great mom to my children.  But she also gave me compliments even when it didn't make sense to do so, which always struck me as weird.  She also wants me to be the cheering section for her wins, but she's hardly ever there for mine.  

So, today, I deleted everything I ever posted on her wall and I put her on restricted.  I am nobody's afterthought.  She always said she "never wanted to meet me because leaving me would be too hard".  As though it would break her or something.  Wow.  I can't believe I fell for that.  For real, I actually fell for that.  I honestly thought she cared about me that much that it would hurt her to say goodbye to me if we met.  God, I was so fucking stupid that I wanted to make space for her in my family's life so she wouldn't have to say goodbye.  What is so freaking wrong with me?

I know she's sensitive.  But I saw the signs and ignored them.  She used to have this cat, Alfons.  Back then, he was her life.  And she shared every moment of his life with me, the same way she does with her dog now.  I loved Alfons.  He felt like a part of my life, too.  But when Alfons died (rest his purry little soul), she erased him from her life.  All of his pictures were gone.  And she never spoke of him again.  And she went out and got her dog and he replaced Alfons in her life.  She did the same with her boyfriend.  They were together for YEARS and were planning on getting married.  She was going through IVF with him and now, after he dumped her, he just doesn't exist.  No old pictures.  No words about him or her healing from their breakup.  Nothing.  And she went out and bought a house to replace him with.  A HUGE house with fuck tons of land.  I don't even know why, it's just her and her dog, but that's what she does.  She cannot access her feelings and we all have to play pretend around her, even though these things affect the people around her, too.  When Alfons died, I was so very, very sad.  But I could not tell her that, because she had a dog in place of him and we weren't allowed to talk about her once beloved cat anymore.  

I am done with people like this.  I feel for her, I really do.  I know she's locking away her hurt and pain, but because of this, she can't access any feelings at all, unless she's in the moment with you.  If she's not in the moment with you, you, or whatever the situation is, doesn't exist.  She doesn't respond to me anymore (like before) and she doesn't care about anything that's going on in my life.  She's moved onto other people, like Janae, another girl from our group.  She's publicly telling her wonderful and beautiful she is, and how she adores her.  And I no longer exist to her.  I need REAL friends.  

But do those even exist?  

Sigh.  

I am so tired of friendships.   Being aware of red flags is fucking exhausting.  Because they're everywhere.  Why can't people just be fucking normal?