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Had my EMB today...OUCH!

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Today I had a endometrial biopsy and hot damn did that hurt.  I even dropped an F bomb quite loudly LOL  

A week from Thursday I will have my hysterectomy.  I am terrified, but at the same time, I deal with it by numbing myself to the fear.  I just put it out of my mind like this: "If anything bad is going to happen, I HAVE to do this, so there is nothing I can do about it".  I know I need this done, and I can't back out, so I will just do it, like I did my upper GI.  I was terrified, but I just went through the motions and felt completely numb about it.  That's the only way I can get through it.  

But for today, I am just resting because the pain (granted, I don't even need medication for it, just a heating pad).  

So, my mother comes out and starts prying.  

Her: "Oh my, is everything okay?"

My husband: "Yes, why?" 

"Because someone had a doctor's appointment this morning!  I assume because nobody was home!"

"Uh huh."

"I have to worry about my big kids!"  

(inner eye roll) "Okay." 

"You should have told me!  Your dog would not stop barking!"  

"Yup, that's what he does." 

"Yeah, you should have told me."  

"Uh huh."  

"Yeah, I realized you weren't home so I kept talking to your dog and it would keep him quiet.  But as soon as I stopped, he started up again."  

"Yup." 

"Yeah, you should have told me and let your dog into the room with me."  

"Uh huh."  

Silence.  

"Okay, I will go get out of your hair."

"Yup."  


Her words anger me to no end (and annoy the shit out of my poor husband).  "I need to worry about my big kids..."  HA!  Where was her worry when I got out of the ER after having a cyst on my ovary explode and she slammed a door into my back two years ago?  Where was her worry or empathy when I would get migraine after migraine (due to my recently inserted IUD) and she would yell or scream ON PURPOSE to make it worse after I would ask her to stop?  Or when she'd slap me in the back of the head when I'd have a migraine?  WHERE WAS HER WORRY OR EMPATHY FOR ANY FUCKING PART OF MY LIFE, EVER???????? 

Her lies, I swear to god, are just baffling and so anger inducing.  I can only HOPE she asks me about this later herself.  I will do what I can to put myself in her path so she will feel compelled to complain to me about the dog and then, by proxy, have to pretend she was worried I was the doctor's office.  And then I will bring up what I just posted, straight to her face.  I know she's incapable of love or empathy.  I know this.  But fuck, does she have to remind me by saying it?  I need her to stop lying and being fake.  Granted, it's a lot to ask, I know, but geezus.  I don't need a reminder that my mother doesn't love or care about me by her lying to me about it.  

Therapy is in two hours and I will have something to talk about this time.






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