I made friends with C back in 2014 or so, when I ran a women's group online.  I wasn't equipped to run that group.  I fucked up, royally.  I didn't know what I was doing.  Or how to do it properly.  Neither did the other women, but it was still my group and I wasn't good at it and I hurt some people.  Yes, I got hurt too, but what I did was worse.  When the group imploded, I left and decided to cut everyone off.  I had LOTS of online friends from that group but removed them all from my page because I knew that I wasn't good with groups of people.  And I really wasn't good at groups of feral women.  And we were oh-so-feral.  I even cut C off, but she was really hurt by this, so I put her back on my friendslist and we've been friends ever since.  As the years have gone by, our friendship has waxed and waned.  But the older I get (I coming up on 50 in a few years) the more I cherish our friendship the less I like our friendship to wane.  I didn't know why it was waning in the past, I just knew we both had busy lives and families and whatnot (she has a boyfriend a dog) and I figured it was just that.  Life.  Just as it was for me.  

Turns out, when our friendship was waning (meaning she contacted me less and less), it was because she was buddying up with another group member.  It's been over 10 years and she still keeps in contact with a HUGE lot of those women.  Which is fine, but what's not fine, is her lovebombing me to the point of thinking I am special to her and then her moving on to someone else in that group and then someone else, etc. and then eventually coming back to me later, lovebombing me all over again, as though no time has passed.  

She made me feel like I was an important part of her life.  She used to always tell me she loved me (like a sister) and how she wanted to be adopted into my family.  So much so, I was considering making a place for her in our new home.  I mean, she's been saying it for YEARS and so I thought that she wanted to escape her life and be with people who truly cared about her.  She loves my kids and my husband and my pets.  And I love her dog.  

This dog.  She makes me look at oodles and oodles of pictures of him a day and then tells me about all of his adventures.  I know more about this dog than I do most people's children.  I know his diet.  I know his friends.  I know most everything there is to know about him.  I am there to celebrate C's wins (like the time her boyfriend and her published a children's comic) and to be there for her losses (her IVF that didn't take, and her boyfriend leaving her a month later, etc.).  I am there for everything.  

But I sat back and thought about it.  When was she there for me?  She sent me one birthday message saying I was one of her closest friends last year.  But for most years, she just said "happy birthday".  And the messages I give her for her birthday she never reads.  I am going to do an in-person author signing of my book in a few weeks...she liked the post, but didn't say a fucking word about it.  She's never even asked to see my book or asked what it was about.  

C is my only friend.  And all the dreams I had of meeting her and hanging out and maybe one day her living in my dream commune are now gone.  Because I am pretty sure C is a fake.  Sure, she's a real person.  But she's not a real friend.  She's opportunistic.  She cycles through her friends and treats us all as though we're so freaking special to her, but never at the same time.  She showers us with compliments and tells us how amazing we are.  She always tells me she wishes she had me as a mom growing since I am such a great mom to my children.  But she also gave me compliments even when it didn't make sense to do so, which always struck me as weird.  She also wants me to be the cheering section for her wins, but she's hardly ever there for mine.  

So, today, I deleted everything I ever posted on her wall and I put her on restricted.  I am nobody's afterthought.  She always said she "never wanted to meet me because leaving me would be too hard".  As though it would break her or something.  Wow.  I can't believe I fell for that.  For real, I actually fell for that.  I honestly thought she cared about me that much that it would hurt her to say goodbye to me if we met.  God, I was so fucking stupid that I wanted to make space for her in my family's life so she wouldn't have to say goodbye.  What is so freaking wrong with me?

I know she's sensitive.  But I saw the signs and ignored them.  She used to have this cat, Alfons.  Back then, he was her life.  And she shared every moment of his life with me, the same way she does with her dog now.  I loved Alfons.  He felt like a part of my life, too.  But when Alfons died (rest his purry little soul), she erased him from her life.  All of his pictures were gone.  And she never spoke of him again.  And she went out and got her dog and he replaced Alfons in her life.  She did the same with her boyfriend.  They were together for YEARS and were planning on getting married.  She was going through IVF with him and now, after he dumped her, he just doesn't exist.  No old pictures.  No words about him or her healing from their breakup.  Nothing.  And she went out and bought a house to replace him with.  A HUGE house with fuck tons of land.  I don't even know why, it's just her and her dog, but that's what she does.  She cannot access her feelings and we all have to play pretend around her, even though these things affect the people around her, too.  When Alfons died, I was so very, very sad.  But I could not tell her that, because she had a dog in place of him and we weren't allowed to talk about her once beloved cat anymore.  

I am done with people like this.  I feel for her, I really do.  I know she's locking away her hurt and pain, but because of this, she can't access any feelings at all, unless she's in the moment with you.  If she's not in the moment with you, you, or whatever the situation is, doesn't exist.  She doesn't respond to me anymore (like before) and she doesn't care about anything that's going on in my life.  She's moved onto other people, like Janae, another girl from our group.  She's publicly telling her wonderful and beautiful she is, and how she adores her.  And I no longer exist to her.  I need REAL friends.  

But do those even exist?  

Sigh.  

I am so tired of friendships.   Being aware of red flags is fucking exhausting.  Because they're everywhere.  Why can't people just be fucking normal?