I am so sorry, I feel like such an ass, but I had to upload an actual picture of my ex-husband.  I know, I know, I am supposed to be anonymous here.  But it just had to be done.  

No, I am not making fun of southern folk.  My ex is not from the south.  But a hillbilly he is.  Hell, the man even lives in a farmhouse on a farm!  Is he a farmer?  BAHAHAHA hell no.  He ain't fit for that kind of work.  That man would throw his back out letting out a loud fart and then cry about it for week while you waited on him hand and foot in mouth disease.  

What?  What's that you say?  Why am I so angry at him right now?  Well, let me tell you.  

Recently, my youngest and I have been attending events for my ex's side of the family.  My oldest didn't want to go, and at first, I don't think he really understood why.  And now he does.  But I was getting along with my ex and his wife.  I also was careful not to push to hard about his wife's oldest son, who's been harassing my oldest son when he visits, because that's her son and I don't want to piss her off.  But now I regret not saying something, because tonight my ex, who had been drinking, called and started spouting off the SAME BULLSHIT his stepson says to my kid.  

Though he added "Your father is the only one who wants the best for you."  My son said he almost said "Yeah, I am sure Mr. Brooks does", meaning my husband.  He didn't say it, but he was getting pissed off at the insinuation that his mother doesn't want what's best for him.  Secondly, he was getting pissed off at the insinuation that my ex is his father, when he gave up his rights in 2011 and didn't speak to either of the kids for five entire years.  Thirdly, he was getting pissed off at the insinuation that my ex-husband wants what's best for him, or even knows what's best for him or even knows what best for anyone, ever.  But what he's really pissed off about is that he is acting like he wants what's best for him, YET can go over a year without talking to him.  Or seeing him.  And has done so since my son's been a kid.  Why out of the blue does this man supposedly care about him?  Why now?  What's changed?  But also, the fact that he's saying "no man other than your father will want what's best for you, they will only want what's best for them", insinuating that my husband (my children's actual father, legally and otherwise) doesn't want what's best for him...as though my ex knows one damn thing about Mr. Brooks.  WTF?!!  

Then he started in on him for not having a job and telling him that "you may not want to work, but it's something you have to do, blah blah blah, etc. etc.", shaming him for not having a job.  My son has HORRIBLE anxiety and PDA and health issues that prevent him from working right now.  And my ex knows this.  But he doesn't care.  So my son said "I am going to try college to go get a degree to be a therapist".  And you know what my ex said??  "You have to be right kind of person to go to college, son, otherwise you're just wasting everyone's money and time!"  

Deep breath.  If I would have heard that? I would have reached through the phone and punched him in the face.  

So, I did what I always do, told my son his father had been drinking and to just ignore him (though my son has been just LOOKING for a reason to never speak to him again and this was it--good!!).  And then I took to Facebook to see if he's being slushy with his drunkeness posting stupid shit online.  And yes.  Yes he was.  Though, he's been posting this shit for a MONTH!  So it's not just his drunkeness that's causing it!  I kept scrolling through the "poor me, everyone hates me" bullshit.  I was ready to give up and that's when I saw this meme, along with his comment below it (I added the white part at the bottom about smear campaigns): 

I have seen many things posted on his Facebook page that have been something I wanted to comment on.  But not once did I do it.  I usually just giggle and scroll on.  Until yesterday.  

2025 is my now year of Feral-ness.  It should be yours too.  Our Feral Year.  The year where we just give ourselves back over the wild that bore us and we become one with nature and everything in it, including our own once-feral souls.  And in that Feral-ity, we become something else...something untamed and wild and authentic.  Honest.  No more pussyfooting around.  No more taking care of people's feelings who DO NOT DESERVE for us to so do.  No more bowing down to a narcissist.  We slay them with our swords of truth and never look back.  Bridges?  They will be burned to ash and we will stand over that ash, guffawing into the wind that will then take the ash and spread it as far as the eye can see.  Over mountains, over rivers, over streams, over the lying, scheming, narcissists.  And so it begins.  

So, with that in mind, I had had enough, TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS of dealing with this one man's bullshit (and by proxy, his family's bullshit) and I decided that enough was enough and I was done.  With ALL of them.  So I burned that fucking bridge to the ground.  

Um...what?  Are you talking about me?  Because I hope you aren't.  I NEVER held your kids from seeing you.  Your mother told me that your wife was doing drugs around my children and that was the only time, other than the time you BRUISED MY SON BY PICKING UP BY THE ARM AND THROWING HIM ONTO HIS BACK TO TEACH HIM A LESSON, in which I got a restraining order on you.  YOU have a horrible temper and you scared the holy shit out of your kids on a regular basis.  You smacked D so hard that he hit the floor, remember that??  You think you're the victim here?  Oh god, PUHHHLEEASE.  I gave you every opportunity to be a good dad and to see your kids.  I PUSHED you to see them, but you went weeks and months without calling and when you finally CAME TO ME and said "Please have Mr. Brooks adopt the kids" (not my idea, it was YOURS), you then BLACKMAILED ME and said "you have to forgive me legally of all my back child support if you want me to give up my rights".  Even though it was your idea to begin with!!!  You gave them up FOR MONEY!!  FOR MONEY!  You made me PAY YOU in order to keep my kids safe from you and your HORRIBLE behavior.  You abused my children and then you told everyone THAT I WAS THE PROBLEM, that I was keeping them from you.  By the time you asked me to have Mr. Brooks adopt the kids, you'd only seen the kids TWICE in a year.  IN A FUCKING YEAR!!!  And that was 100% your choice.  My lawyer was going to go after you for abandonment, but I told him not to.  

And you were only a cub scout leader to SHOW ME UP.  I was taking the kids to cub scouts for an entire YEAR before you had anything to do with it.  So don't play this game where you were oh so great of a father...you weren't, and you know it.  So your family calls you out on your shit and you get mad at them???  Well, I am glad to see for once they can see what I've seen and dealt with all along.  

I never judged your girlfriends, nor did one fucking thing to any of them, other than your current wife, which I now I like her.  But back then, it was a different story. She didn't like me either.  And I thought we all moved passed this???  Why are you bringing this shit back up?  Because someone said something to you?  The last time your mom said something to about it, you called me, begging me to tell you that you made the right choice and that you're not a bad father.  You DID make the right choice in giving them up, because you were AWFUL to them!!!  

AND YES YOU WERE GOING TO LET HARM COME TO YOUR KIDS AND YOU HARMED THEM YOURSELF!!  So shut up about this shit, will ya?  GIVE IT A REST!  IT'S BEEN 84 YEARS SINCE ALL OF THAT HAPPENED, AND YOU'RE STILL BITCHING??????!!!  YOU made mistakes here, Ex-Husband.  Grow up and take responsibility for them!  I have!  And your kids have moved on and are in your life now, what more do you want?????  God, I am so fucking done with you.  LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS WHATEVER IT IS YOUR GOING THROUGH UNLESS YOU WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH!!  

The only travesty here is a 50 year old man who can't grow the fuck up and realize the things he did wrong and only wants to blame everyone else for HIS mistakes!!  God, you are so self-centered that you can't even see the shit you've done to them.  And then you always want to bring it around and blame me, just like you always have.  Sigh. I guess I can't expect more out of you.  You disappointment me, because I thought you FINALLY changed and moved on.  But I guess I'll be your scapegoat until you day you die, right?  Whatever.  I don't care anymore.  I am done with you.  DO NOT call me again.  I don't even know why you still call me sometimes.  I am not the place for you lay down your pity parties at anymore.  I am not here to absolve you of your sins.  You made them.  Be like the rest of us and deal with them like a grown up.  And MOVE ON!!!  

And his response two days later: 

I waited for him to respond before blocking him.  And I did the minute he sent this.  

This man is dumber than a box of rocks.  Obviously it's not about the post!  It's about his response to the post that I was addressing!  

For some reason, his whole family thinks that he is supporting his sister's ex-husband who is a gangbanger and abuser.  The ex beat the fuck out of his sister and went to jail for it and for some reason, this guy keeps ending up at my ex's house.  Well, I wonder why his family is angry at him?  

Here's the thing.  My ex allowed his BFF named Jeff try to beat my ass right in front of him and he did NOTHING to stop it.  Also, my ex and their other BFF Ken knew that Jeff was physically beating his pregnant girlfriend and they both stayed friends with him knowing this and did nothing to stop it.  Also, my ex???  Tried to let me drown while I was pregnant while he saved himself and did NOTHING to help me--even though he could swim and I couldn't.  So, if they think that my ex will give one flying rat's ass about this man beating his sister???  Pssshhhhtttt.  Get real.  He's a bystander.  Nothing more.  (my husband said that's a polite way of calling him a pussy--I said potayto, potahato).   

So my bridge has been burned to the ground, ladies and gents.  No more ex-husband in my life and no more birthfather in my children's lives.  They both blocked him and are done.  My husband now is very happy about this, as I used to go to bat for my ex (like an idiot) thinking he could eventually one day be the father he should have been to my children.  But he never did.  My husband did, though.  

So yes, Mr. Ex.  I DID find another man to be their father.  And while he's not perfect (as neither am I), my children are SO MUCH BETTER OFF than if you would have stayed being their dad.  You're just sore that you didn't have it in you to step up, and now you want to blame everyone but the actual person who's fault it is: YOURS.  

Godspeed and good luck with whatever your going to do with your life now.  Because it sounds like you're going to need it.  

Last post ever about his asshole.  And I'm out.  

But some things in life you don't get to say the issue is all yours.  When someone does something concretely wrong to you, something that is so bad, that they need to be aware of it, then maybe it's worth confronting them.  I sent a letter to my old neighbor, informing her of what her uncle did to me at a Christmas dinner a few years ago.  I know that was necessary.  I ran into the man's sister at Costco a few months ago, and LUCKILY that bitch is completely blind and didn't see me.  She was horrid and I hated living next door to her every second of the day.  She's the one who took notes on when my lights were on at night and reported back to me each day.  I do not miss that one bit (though that was 1 of 100 things she did to my family).  

But this year is my 30 year high school graduation anniversary.  I am not sure if they're having a reunion, (they never have had any other than the first one at 5 years), but even if they do, I am not going.  I have no need to see those people again.  Not because I am angry, but because I am really trying hard not to travel backwards.  At least not right now.  Because that same year, right before graduation, a friend of mine raped me.  

It was my 18th birthday party, we all went camping.  There was me, Jen, Candace, Amy, Sheila, Crystal, Greg, Carrie, Becky, Todd, Jason, and BJ.  Sheila, Greg, BJ, and I all shared a tent.  We were having fun, giggling and playing word games and being silly.  But BJ kept flirting with me, something he'd never done before, and I was into it.  BJ was older than us by a couple years.  He was already graduated (I think).  He went to prom with Becky.  He was more of Becky and Carrie's friend than mine.  Greg was my ex-boyfriend (like really, really recently ex).  But BJ was being nice and I thought hmmm, well maybe we'd make a better fit than Greg and I did.  BJ's flirting got more and more sexual as the night went on.  Sheila and Greg left for awhile and BJ immediately started kissing me.  I did not expect we'd have sex, but quickly he was pulling my pants down.  I can't remember if I had actually wanted to or not.  But I remember being kind of okay with it.  Back then, I didn't know how to tell a man no.  I would leave my body and just endure sex, as I literally felt nothing.  And I didn't know I was allowed to tell a man I was attracted to "no", or even how to know if I wanted sex or not.  I was numb.  So I will say I did consent to having sex with him.  But I did not consent to him putting his semen into my body.  I did not consent to not being asked if that was okay or not.  I did not consent to man making a choice for me that could have horrible, horrible consequences.  I had just turned 18.  It was my birthday.  

He got up and immediately asked me when I had my last period and told me that I should be perfectly fine since it was impossible to get pregnant at that point in my cycle.  A man was sitting there tell ME how MY body worked.  As if he knew anything at all.   And then he pulled up his pants and acted like everything was normal.  I pulled up my pants and wondered what the fuck just happened.  I felt violated, but I didn't know why.  My friends came back and the silliness I felt before they left was gone.  I just wanted to sleep.  

I woke up the next day and avoided BJ at all costs.  He got offended and acted like I was being an asshole.  I didn't know why I was avoiding him, maybe I just regretted having sex with him?  But it felt deeper than that.  I didn't know why I couldn't stand to be near him.  I didn't want to talk to him.  I just wanted to go home.  He told everyone we slept together and that I was being an asshole ignoring him.  As though I was the one hurting him.  This was while we were still there.  All my friends were huddled around him, consoling him as though he was the victim.  To him, he was.  I don't even know if he knew what terrible thing he had just done to me.  Hell, I didn't even really understand it, either.  But I did feel ashamed.  I didn't want to have sex with him.  But I did it because I didn't know how to say no.  I would freeze and leave my body and let whatever was about to happen happen.  Granted, I can't say he knew any of that. But that's why we're taught about enthusiastic consent today.  Because even if a man has no idea you don't want to, and you don't know how to say no, you feel raped, but technically that part isn't rape.  The ejaculating inside of my body without my consent was.  

He could have had HIV or some other STI.  He could have gotten me pregnant and I would have had to have an abortion.  That would have fucked me up mentally, emotionally, and possibly physically for life.  I became obsessed after that that I could have contracted HIV from him.  I was getting tested every week for months.  I never let a guy do that.  Had he asked, I would have enthusiastically said NO.  But he didn't ask.  And I didn't even know it had happened until it was done.  He wrecked my mental health.  I was so obsessed with the idea that I could be dying that I even planned my funeral!  This was the middle 90's, this shit was drilled into your head back then.  And I have severe anxiety and OCD.  Had he just asked, the answer would have been NO!  But he didn't ask.  He didn't even think to.  What would he have done if I had gotten pregnant?  I wouldn't have told him.  I would have just gotten an abortion.  

And that's why I am writing him a letter.  This one I will send.  To to this day, 30 years later, I bet he still thinks I am an asshole for brushing him off.  But he needs to know why.  Not to punish him, but to make him aware that his actions had consequences for me (though not as bad as it could have been).  And maybe he could understand that part of himself that acted that way.  Or not.  It really doesn't matter.  My job is to put the information into the world and hopefully it lands upon ears who need to hear it.  If not, well, whatever.  Not my concern.  I did my job to heal myself a little bit and the rest I don't need to worry about.  Sounds assholey, but I mean....look at who I send letters to.  They are all people who deserve to be reminded of what they did.  

BJ is a military man now.  He has two boys I think.  He needs to teach those boys about consent.  And he needs to make amends to the other women in his life who he's done this to (if any).  

I have no idea how to find his address (my usual ways aren't working).  But I will.  Or I send it on Facebook.  The thing is, he's still friends with people I know.  So if I block him, I need to block them, too.  Or not.  One of the friends was there that day.  I hope he shows her my letter.  She was one of the people who took his side back then.  She didn't know the truth.  Hell, I couldn't even explain what was going on.  I would like her to know, but I don't want to spread rumors.  He will be the only one I tell.  Unless someone else asks about it.  Then all bets are off, because that means he's sharing it. 

Why would I send him a letter?  To heal myself.  To open his mind to what he did wrong.  Because what he did was seriously wrong.  And maybe he's learned his lesson.  Maybe not.  And maybe this letter will help him to.  Or maybe not.  It's not up to me what he does with the information.  It's only up to me provide the information.  

I already did this with my rapist from when I was 14 and he raped me out of my virginity.  But I posted that online on something he commented on (on a mutual friend's page) for everyone to see.  He deserved that.  I was 14 when it happened and he was a legal adult.  And it was textbook rape.   

Okay, I need to go search for his address some more.   If not, I will send it on Facebook.  Ugh.