I am used to my mother's rejection.  I am used to knowing she doesn't love me or even care about my well-being.  I've come to terms with that.  It's taken me a bit, but I've been here for awhile, so it's okay.  It's just something that is, something I can't change or fix, so I accept it and go on living my life.  I can't change it, it just what it is.  

And I've gotten mostly over my father's rejection of me as well.  He didn't reject me as much as just plain abuse me, but it was still rejection at it's core.  And I know 100% that these two people were just little kids in grown bodies (and my mother still is) and the things they reject in me are things they are jealous of or reject in themselves.  I am just a projection screen for them to put their own bullshit on.  I know this.  Deep down, I really do know this.  I don't always believe it, but I know it.  

But now I am trying to have relationship with my birthmother (if you haven't read about her on here yet, please go to the search box and write "birthmother" in it) and here I am, getting rejected yet one more time. 

Could this just be a perceived rejection?  Like maybe I am being too sensitive or looking for a reason to be angry about?  No, it's definitely for real.  Because she's done it over and over and over throughout the years and while again, I KNOW this is her issue and not mine, I just don't always believe it.  I let it get to me.  Granted, I had LOTS of time to heal and come to the understanding with both my parents' abuse and rejection of me.  But with her, this is has just really started.  Our relationship was very minor at first, as well as even when we stayed for a whole week with her at her house.  So I know I need to give myself time in order to come to terms with this.  But hot damn, why?  Was was this always my destination in life?  Granted, if you're reading this, it was probably yours so, so I know I am not special.  I am different because I was adopted, but that doesn't mean anything.  I mean, I was given up for adoption at six months old for a reason.  It's just like...some people only have one parent who rejects them, and some of us have both.  But I have three.  I thought for a second that knowing my birth family that I'd get a second chance this whole "family" thing, as my entire adoptive family is full of narcissists.  But, as it turns out, so is my birth family.  

But is my birth mother a narcissist?  I honestly don't have an answer for that.  I know her mother is.  I know her sister and brother are.  But her...she doesn't quite fit the bill exactly.  I mean, she gossips.  But in a benign way.  She's super self-centered.  But in an autistic way.  She doesn't seem to lash out at people, which is good.  She doesn't seem to participate in smear campaigns.  Which is a huge indicator that she's probably not one.  But does tend to see people as tools for her own gain, rather than actual people.  Which could be autism (I grew up doing exactly that).  

Having autism the way she does would definitely make for a bad parent, if that's what's causing her issues.  I can see that.  But she's 67 years old.  She's had loads of time to figure this shit out.  Granted, I was lucky, I was born with all the empathy she lacked, on top of my own.  So while I grew up being a total jerk to so many people (even though at my core, I didn't to hurt anyone), I grew up and learned to do better.  I am fully aware that some people don't have this ability.  That I get.  But still.  I don't like being on the receiving end of it.  Then again, neither did all the people I was mean to myself when I was younger.  But I didn't birth those people.  And she birthed me.  I guess the question is here: does that really matter?  She chose not to be my mother, and that was the right thing to do, but I guess I just can't get behind the choice of not wanting your own child.  Especially your own six month old baby.  

I know, I know, not everyone is like me.  We are all different.  Not everyone was born with my hyper-empathy and my deep-rooted maternal instincts (something I was constantly told, even as a child, that I had, as I was some kind of little herding sheep dog with my friends, always mothering them like they were my kids LOL).  My brain is my brain and it works the way my brain works.  I can't expect everyone to think exactly the way I do.  But isn't the normal natural way to live as a human being is to have maternal instincts?  To love and care about your child, even if they're not living with you?  Right?  But too many humans don't have that.  Why?  How is that evolutionarily wise?  I mean, I guess that caring for your children isn't really a trait of evolution, as what does it matter for the species if you are loved or not?  Yes, it fucks us up, but it doesn't stop us from procreating--in fact, it may actually cause more procreating.  So maybe fucking up your kids is good for the species to continue?  I mean, that would make sense as to why there are so many narcissists in the world.  

I still wonder if my birth mother has NPD.  Because even though I've known her for almost 30 years now, I still don't know her very well.  I mean, up until late last year, she pretty much ignored me for a year at a time.  Now she lives a few hours away and she's up my ass all the time, usually only asking me for favors.  Which again, leads me to questioning her NPD status.  Since I don't actually know her very well, she could be hiding all sorts of parts of her personality from me.  So honestly, I have no clue.  And I want to tell her how much she bothers me, but at the same time, I fear her never speaking to me again.  Not really because I'd miss her, as she doesn't really jive with me or even care about my existence (I usually have to remind her about that one).  But for selfish reasons.    

I tell you, if she acted like an actual birth mother, someone who regretted giving up their kid, and treated me like someone she actually cared about and missed...I would want her in my life all the time.  But I never know what exactly it is she wants from me when she wants to visit.  Granted, I know she just wants to visit, but I feel like I could be an old neighbor and she'd treat me exactly the same.  But I guess in some way it's better she doesn't regret giving me up...at least I know my existence, and subsequent disappearance, didn't cause her any pain.  I mean, that's a good thing, right?  I know she can't help the way she is, but it feels so defeating.  

I just need to come to terms with this.  And her.  And it will just eventually become part of my backstory.  

I just recently had a hysterectomy and she knew about it and I thought when she called me right before she was wishing me luck.  She wasn't.  She asking for...potatoes (if you don't know what that is, just search "potatoes" on my blog search bar).  And when she just emailed me, I thought she was going to ask how I was doing.  And again, she was talking about stupid fuck-ass potatoes again.  Sigh.  Not even my therapist asked how I was doing or how I felt about removing my uterus.  I feel so alone.  Yes, my husband and kids care, but not a single woman in my life has cared (other than my amazing OBGYN).  I mean, this is a big deal and I haven't even begun to process it.  And not only that, but the fact it was major surgery (and I lost a freaking ovary during surgery), and she hasn't even bothered to ask how I am doing.  Not once.  

I mean, I can list all the times she's forgotten my birthdays (including my 40th--which really sucked).  I can list all the times she's forgotten Christmas.  Or all the times she's forgotten I existed at all, for almost a year.  Or when she never called me once during the pandemic.  And part of is the fact she goes around calling me her daughter.  It's like NOPE.  I am not your daughter.  I am the child you gave away on at Christmastime when I was six months old.  So shush your mouth, lady.  You are not my mother in way, shape, or form.  

And then there was the time that my family was abducted (we were offered a home under false pretenses in order for her to get us into her home so she could abuse us) and made us homeless and I posted about it and my birthmother said "Well, you got through it so you're fine!" 

Ugh.  

Okay, enough bitching for now.  Until next time....